I never realized my ex-husband was such a litigious person.
Maybe he never was before, but he certainly was a bully – one of the reasons we
are now divorced – so it stands to reason that if he doesn’t get his way, he is
quick to run to his attorney. This has been an ongoing issue since our divorce
was finalized in 2000. Yes, I said 2000, almost 14 years ago!
We had joint custody of our two sons (I say had because the oldest is almost 21),
though I had primary physical custody. This was for the best, believe me. He
doesn’t see them often at all, and the kids have developed a rather low opinion
of him over time. No Parent Alienation
Syndrome here – the kids figured it out after he repeatedly let them down, then
finally told ME it was time to let it all go.
Several times I have had to take him to court to get him to
pay what he legally owes, even doing so a few times without legal
representation. I am not a lawyer, and for the difficult stuff, I always would
recommend to at least consult an attorney, but for medical/dental expenses or
child support adjustments, it’s a pretty simple form and a 15-minute hearing.
I have done it a few times and become quite good at it!
I do know my limitations, however. The latest was my ex’s
failure to pay for his share of my oldest son’s college expenses. Without
giving a fully detailed account of that, the gist of it is that he told my son over a
year ago that he would no longer pay for college. Now, he can’t do that when it
clearly states in our Separation Agreement that we both pay an equal share of
college tuition, room and board at an in-state, four-year institution. He is required to pay even if now he doesn't want to.
Last August, I had again asked for the money that my
ex-husband owed me, since I alone had been paying for my son to attend college.
To me, it’s not even so much about the money as in affording my son the
opportunity – and his dad telling him at the last minute that he wouldn’t pay
really messes with the kid’s mind, especially since his dad had done the same
thing right before his freshman year and my son was concerned he wouldn’t be
able to attend college. I assured him that was not the case, made arrangements
to make sure he would be able to, and then advised his father he’d have to
cover his half. But the stress my son had to endure, each and every time his
dad does this – that’s what gets to me.
Of course it’s been a long, drawn-out battle, and it doesn’t
have to be. Immediately after my email to him last August, the ex went to his
lawyer, apparently told some story that I was refusing to provide him documentation
of what I had paid (of which he cannot provide proof – uh, since he never
asked!), and they filed a motion in court. Of course what he put in the motion
was not true, and had he asked for receipts, I would have provided them to him (I
keep immaculate records, by the way.)
So, I was forced to enlist the services of my attorney. Now,
my attorney has not met my ex – not this one, anyway – but from what he heard
from me, he immediately said, “So, he’s a bully.” Wow, that’s the best
description I had heard yet. My lawyer proceeded to tell me he had no qualms
about taking this to court, that he felt I had a very good chance of getting
the judge to see my side. Full disclosure: my son lived at home his second year
in college, and so I was including room and board costs in my request for
payment from the ex. My lawyer asked where I came up with the amount, and I included
a study done by the university my son was attending, that compared costs of
living off-campus with their parents, off-campus alone, or on-campus in the
dorms. I used the amount they had estimated it would cost to live with parents,
even though it seemed low to me at the time.
My lawyer agreed it was a reasonable amount, and then asked
if it was okay to have his associate try the case, since he was half the price
per hour, and my lawyer would still be there to assist him. Worked for me! And so far, it has worked. Unfortunately,
though, after we filed the response to their motion and included all the
documentation, quite a few weeks went by without hearing anything. So my lawyer
contacted his lawyer only to find out that they were “not going to pursue the
matter at this time”, essentially withdrawing their motion!
Um, hello, what?? By
this time, I was already over $1,500 into what I had paid my lawyer. How is it
okay for the ex to not even try to
communicate with me but immediately get the lawyers involved, only to back off
when he realized he really did owe me money? It’s not like I am lying about it!
I have no reason to lie but I’m not stupid, either. What I learned a long time
ago is that when #1 is doing something deceitful, he almost always tries to
accuse me of doing the same thing. (Fact: he cheated at the end of our marriage
and accused me of doing so, even though I was not. Our marriage counselor
pointed that out to me…lesson learned.)
I met with my lawyer and told him that I still wanted to
continue with this. #1 already owed me $3,000+, and I intended to have him
repay that money with my lawyer’s fees included, because my oldest still has another
year in college. AND I have another son that will be going to college in just
over a year, and I don’t want to have to go through this with him as well. I
filled out the necessary documentation for the court, and then his lawyer asked
me to provide MORE information. I gave them everything they asked for, and then
we waited. Oh, and my lawyer asked for items as well, though my ex was slow at
providing them, so it just drug out.
And still nothing happened. Finally, I was sick of it and
met again with my lawyer in December. He had the paperwork ready to go, so we
filed a motion to recoup the expenses, plus my lawyer’s fees, IN ADDITION TO
have the child support refigured. I had estimated my ex’s income and because he
had failed to keep the court informed of his income regularly as required, we
had just found out that I was about $20,000 short! Not only would my support
increase, it would go up $300 a month.
In the county where I live, and where our divorce was
finalized, a table was created years ago to aid in determination of child support
amounts. Basically, both parents’ income is combined, the ages of the children
are entered, and the support obligation is returned. They then take the
percentage of total income that is #1’s and apply that to the total
support. That’s what he owes each month.
There are a few other things that are considered, such as the fact I pay the
health/dental insurance premiums and the ex gets a pay differential for living
in a different state with a higher cost of living. But all in all, it’s not
something that is really negotiable in court, especially since the teenager no
longer goes to visit him, so he doesn’t get credit for travel expenses.
We filed a counter-motion in December…December 30th
to be exact. Which means any ruling will be retroactive to the first of that
month. Not only will the support increase, he will also owe me a lump sum at that
time of five months of retroactive increase. This was also included in the
motion to the court. Of course his attorney then asked for even more paperwork,
and I again provided them all they asked for within 24 hours. The next time I talked
to my lawyer, he was setting up a court date but it was going to be June before
we could get a 2-3 hour block of time to have the judge hear everything! He
told me he got the impression from the opposing attorney that her client was
requesting that she drag this out – probably so I would just give up. Grrrrrr.
My suggestion then was to split the support out, as it would
could get that scheduled sooner as a 15-minute hearing before a trustee, and
then we could do the other in a trial before the judge. He agreed and set up
the dates – April 7th for the trustee, and the end of June for the
expenses.
It didn’t take long for his attorney to again ask for more
information – specifically my 2013 tax return, and then proof of a bonus that
my ex supposedly heard that my employer pays to its employees in the first
quarter each year! First, I do NOT get a bonus. Second, even if I did receive
one, it would have appeared at least on the end-of-the-year pay stub I’d
provided, or on my W2, or the very least on my tax return. Third, an increase
in my income increases the overall amount of our combined incomes, which also
increases the overall amount of child support!!
Is he really that stupid? So not only did I send the most recent pay
stub, but I sent several from last March/April, as well as the end of the year
one, and my 2013 W-2 AGAIN. Can’t
have too much proof, in my opinion.
Also, I was pretty sure #1 was being deceitful again, saying
I received a bonus because he was trying to cover one up. My lawyer has
uncovered some evidence that he does
receive one through an incentive plan, and when he questioned why #1 hadn’t
provided a copy of his 2013 tax
return yet, my lawyer was told that #1 had not yet filed it. Um, the deadline
is in 11 days! And since often times bonuses are paid out on a separate check
and a separate W-2, I am convinced that he is not wanting us to find out that
he received one; hence, not giving us a copy of his return. Fishy.
Now to date, I have paid my lawyer $2,000 and I just got the
most recent bill – I owe him another $1,500. Which means if we go to court in
June, I will probably have paid him well over $4,000 when all is said and done.
#1’s lawyer charges a LOT more than my lawyer does, I’m sure. I don’t
understand why he’s willing to pay $6-7,000+ to avoid paying me the $3,000 he knows he owed, except his MO in the past
was to avoid giving me any money directly at all costs. Not that it makes any sense…
I am not sure what the premise behind this is as I have
never misspent any money. Matter of fact, my children are very well cared for
and live in a lovely home that I pay for, but I think that’s what irks him and
drives him to do these things…he can’t accept that I can raise the boys on my
own without any help from him. Yes, I get support, but it barely covers
car/health insurance and food for the teenager, and I get nothing for the
oldest, though I do pay his car/health insurance, tags/taxes, cell phone and
help him with food, car repairs and spending money. And I haven’t asked for
reimbursement for those things because I know I wouldn’t win – they aren’t
covered in our agreement, and my oldest is over 20 years old.
I sat down and determined how much my mortgage, utilities
and food costs were the year that my son lived at home (well, the 9 months of
his sophomore year, since that’s what the university had also used, and how
long he would have lived in the dorms). I told my lawyer I was doing this since
the ex had determined that the $568 a month the university had estimated was
too high, and that it was more like $200 a month. Has he not fed a growing teenager??? So I figured
it all up. Drum roll please – the final
amount per month was over $800! My lawyer laughed so hard at that! Food costs
alone for my son were almost $300 a month. And the ex didn’t even want to pay
me enough money to reimburse for food, let alone other living expenses!
My lawyer sent this information to his lawyer, with a
request again to reimburse me for the $568 a month, OR when we go to court, we
will present the actual costs to the judge. I’m not sure if it will work, but
hey, at least it shows I am willing to compromise, right? And now not only have
they come back asking what kind of settlement we can reach with the support,
but are willing to settle with the expenses as well. Thing is, I am insisting
on him paying my attorney’s fees. Our Separation Agreement states as well that
any parent found in default, such as not paying medical/dental/college expenses
as required, will pay the other parent’s attorney’s fees.
If I don’t get the fees paid, I am already in the red, which
just sucks. Honestly? I don’t believe he will want to settle if I present him
with a request for at least $7,000 for the expenses, and if he makes what my
lawyer thinks he makes, another $2,500 in back support. I would go as low as
$8,500 total, or $7,500 if he makes less. But that’s it. I truly believe I would
win in court, so I will take my chances otherwise.
Really, I just shake my head. I know that sometimes they can
argue against paying the fees, and it just depends on how the judge feels that
day. But I have every reason to believe the judge will rule in my favor, and
that’s why I am not budging from what he owes. Oh, and did I mention that
somewhere in there he paid off my son’s student loan, a loan my son HAD to take
to go to school last semester because his dad wouldn’t pay? And he paid it off
AFTER he met with his attorney in August, who probably told him he was going to
have to pay. Yet, he didn’t tell me or my son. We found out in November when
they sent us documentation about what HE had paid.
Yeah, it’s really just a pissing contest for him. He’s just
a bully and gets his kicks out of making my life difficult, but he is really
hurting his kids. The thing that he doesn’t get is that aside from paying my
attorney, I find my ex a laughing stock. He has destroyed any possibility of a
relationship with his oldest son, and the teenager is right behind him. Neither
of them want anything to do with their dad. It’s pretty sad, really. I am angry
to some extent, but only because of how my kids are treated by their own
father. But on the other hand, I laugh because I am indifferent…I just don’t
care. He’s a selfish jerk who thinks he can bully anyone to get his way. What
surprises me is that he still tries to insist I have or have not done something
when it is quite easy to provide emails as proof. And because I am OCD, my
documentation is always in order, something my attorney commented on because it
made his job so much easier!
I’ve also learned that when #1 calls my parenting skills
into question, it is a reflection on him and not on me. I know I am good
parent. I make mistakes but the difference is that I own my mistakes to my kids
so that we all learn a lesson. I am raising them to have ethics, be moral, to
tell the truth, to help others – all things that their father fails at. If he
can’t even be there to help raise his own kids, well then, I’ve proven my
point. My kids are amazing and I actually get compliments all the time with how
well-behaved they are. They’re just great kids – I can’t take all the credit. J
The moral of this? I’m not sure there is one. I had tried to
avoid court by asking him to comply with our agreement, to no avail. And
because my son cannot sue him to get compensation, I had to do it – I’m the
only one that can, since it was an agreement between US, backed up by the
court. I guess it comes down to the fact you can mess with me, and I really
could care less. But if you mess with my kids, you better have back up and a
helluva lot of proof.
