I can’t even begin to describe the emotions I went through
this weekend. With DS1 graduating college Saturday, I was on top of the world. I was so
happy for him to reach this milestone in his life. He worked hard for it, in
spite of all of the obstacles put in his way, and I am so proud of him for
overcoming all he did to get here. I got a huge hug from him after his
graduation, and neither of us wanted to let go.
And then seeing his comment on Facebook after his graduation party just
made my day all over again: Oh I can't forget my momma for helping me get through these last
21+ years. I just love my little boy!
Then he came home after the party because it was Mother’s
Day the next day. Saturday night he went to the store and bought a card (I am
assuming he had forgotten), and then all three boys went and got me flowers
Sunday morning. T made me quiche for breakfast, and had flowers delivered later
that day. And then that evening I opened cards and gifts from the boys, and two
cards from T because he couldn’t choose between them so he bought them both.
Awww. And DS3 gave me lots of hugs and told me how much he loved me. My heart
was full.
DS2 had forgotten to get me a card, so he wrote me a note instead,
and it brought me to tears. I started to read it but had to stop because I was
crying. He even told me I didn’t have to read it right then, which was good
because each time I tried, I started tearing up again. Here’s what he wrote:
You are the coolest,
supportiveingest, best ever, lovingist, awesome mom in the world…but everything
I just said, all those words I just made up, will never be enough for me to
truly convey how amazing you are. I know I don’t tell you enough how much I love
you or how much you mean to me, but I consider myself, and J and S, to be
the luckiest sons in the world to have such an extraordinary mom. You’ve been
there for each of us through everything and you are without a doubt the
strongest person I know. You’ve been through a lot of crap and we’ve put you
through a lot, ya know, money pits and all, but I know that I speak for all
three of us in saying that I’m extremely grateful for all that you do. Every
single thing. I’m so incredibly proud to call such a fantastic woman my mom. I’m
just so proud of you. You’ve raised us almost entirely by yourself and we’ve
all turned out fine (mostly…) You freaking ran 13.1 miles! That’s so awesome! I
still wish I could’ve been there to see that. Anyway, I just wanted to make
sure you knew how happy I am to have you. You’re my favorite person in the
world and I don’t know where/what I would be without you. I love you, Mom.
Happy Mother’s Day. M
That right there….that’s what it’s all about. All of those
years of dealing with my ex, all the crap I have had to put up with, taking the
high road, trying to be strong, trying to hold the kids up and not let them see
what a world class jerk their father was/is, making sure they did all that they
were supposed to do and raise them right and to be moral, respectful people…all
of that. All the things that I wasn’t sure I was even doing right came down to
a 24-hour period when it came back to me in spades.
People tell you things when you are a divorced parent, about
how to not disparage the other parent, to try to co-parent by always thinking
of the kids first, to not fight in front of the kids, to not use the kids as
go-betweens. Yeah, I did all of those things. But quite honestly, it drove me
insane how people would judge me by STILL acting as though they had the right
to speak to me like I didn’t already know that, as though I had any
control over the other parent. He did what he pleased,, almost the opposite of what I would say or do. It didn't matter. And
yet the kids KNOW things aren't right.
Often times it was
his family who would say these things – “I see this all the time in my job, how
the parents arguing is affecting the kid, and you two need to put your
differences aside.” Or “You both need to work this out.” Or “You can’t put the kids in the middle. You
have to do what’s best for them.” Just who did these people think they were to
give advice to ME? Because guess where they were getting their information
from???
It didn’t take too long for the first one to figure out that
his brother was lying to him. It took a little longer for the second one, but
once he lied to his dad in the most egregious way possible, it put a scar on
their relationship that still exists today, 13 years later. The third one was
his mother. Now, I understand that motherly bond runs deep, and she did come
around for a while. But then she started “drinking the KoolAid” again after
several years, and I finally had to tell her that if she was going to listen to
the lies he was telling her and then repeat them to my children (who were teenagers
by then) and they KNEW the truth, then she needed to be prepared to deal with
their feelings regarding those issues. Needless to say, her relationship with
her grandsons has suffered somewhat in the last few years.
And you know what? I am indifferent. She made a choice and
she has to live with it. I can see that it is hurting her, but I think she may be slowly
coming around. She missed DS1’s college graduation due to the threat of
thunderstorms and she didn’t feel comfortable driving 2 hours if they were to
come to fruition (they didn’t). No one from that side of the family was there
or attended the graduation party. How sad for them. DS1 was unconcerned – he is
past their issues.
DS2’s high school graduation is this weekend and she swears
that she will make it to that – though it is twice as far for her to drive and
the threat for severe weather is just as strong. Neither of her grandsons is
holding out hope that she will show – because of the family history, they are
thinking that their father is having some influence over her. I hope that is
not the case and the she has reached an age of maturity (finally!) and will do
her best to be there for her grandkids. Because I would bet DS2’s entire
college tuition that his father will not be.
The irony in all of this? Not sure there is any, but the ex
is such a narcissist that he thinks he has a right to be at both graduations.
And perhaps he does - he did have to pay half of DS1's college tuition per court order. But he did not help raise my boys. He merely donated
some sperm to create these human beings, but he has done nothing to mold them
into the young men they are today. And they are NOTHING like him. I want them
to know that because they don’t want to be like him. They don’t like him. They
say he is a crappy person, a horrible father, and a bully.And they are right.
DS2 asks why his dad thinks he deserves to be at his
graduation when he abandoned him when he was three years old. I explained that because in his mind he still
doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He hasn’t come to terms with, and probably
never will, the fact that in the boys’ minds he walked out on them, moved half
way across the country, and didn’t talk to them for almost three months. And
then when he did, he told them lies. And then he only contacted them
sporadically. He finds it easier to blame me, and the boys for not calling him, than to accept accountability for
his actions. He still holds onto that.
Even when he came here to run the race that DS2 mentioned, that DS1 attended
with me and his dad ran right by him without knowing it, he still had an excuse
for not contacting the boys that weekend. The excuses eventually fell on
deaf ears, as they had on my years before.
I told DS2 that he thinks it’s his right that as their
father, he deserves to be there. And we aren’t telling him he can’t attend,
just that the reserved tickets were going to be used by me, DS1 and DS3 and
that DS2 had given his last ticket to a friend with a very large family. The ex
countered that he thought DS2 got 6 tickets and expected 3 to be set aside for
his family, but I pointed out that he was looking at a different high school’s
website, one that DS2 did NOT attend (shows how much he knows about his son that he doesn't even know which high school he attends, and he's on the email list!). Also, DS2 was free to do with his tickets
as he wished as he was an adult (he’s 18), and he said that his dad could
attend and view in the overflow gym. But he asked this his father not attempt
to speak to him or make a scene at graduation. We haven’t heard from him since.
Nor did DS1 after telling him he wasn’t welcome at the after party being held at my sister's house.
DS1 has quoted Will Smith on Facebook: If you’re absent during my struggle, don’t expect to be present during my
success. I think that speaks volumes. So to me the irony is in those things
everyone said to me, how I should act, what I should do. I did those things,
but I raised my boys by myself. AND THEY TURNED OUT GREAT! The Facebook post and that note from DS2 –
those were so worth the last 21+ years. Four years ago was a defining moment,
when the older boys told me to stop taking the high road because they knew
their dad was a POS and I didn’t need to cover for him anymore. This weekend,
my boys showed me how much my actions, my love, means to them, and I will NEVER
forget it.
