I have been married and divorced twice. Yes, it’s true. No, I
am not a serial “marrier”. I wanted a happy life with the man I loved, but
unfortunately, I was oblivious the first time to things that I should have paid
attention to but I was young and thought I was in love. The second time, I
married an addict in recovery who fell off the wagon and became a different
person, one whose action I could not abide by (stealing, cheating, lying…).
I am now with the love of my life, though I am
understandably a little skittish about marriage. Not because I failed at it
twice, but because I was blind-sided both times before. I don’t consider my
marriages failures because I learned from my mistakes. (And I am seriously
leaning towards marrying my boyfriend, in spite of my past. We are both very
happy but marriage does add another layer to the relationship.)
Here’s a list of things I have learned – maybe it can save
someone else from the same heartache.
1.
If your intuition tells you something, listen to
it! I wouldn’t have gotten married the first time if I had, and I would have
discovered the affair and other issues much sooner the second time.
2.
Not all men are pigs, but many are selfish. Find
one that’s not.
3.
Be very careful if you choose to marry someone
with past addictions. I’m not telling you to avoid addicts as I know many very
sweet people who are successful in their recovery. Just make sure you know what
you are getting into, and understand that an addict is always an addict, even
in recovery. Their previous addictions can take other forms. It doesn’t happen
to everyone, but it happens more often than you think. Be prepared to deal with
that. (I wasn’t.)
4.
Most people don’t want to hear about your
marital problems. Don’t bore them. Find a good counselor if you need to talk.
Girlfriends may be great listeners, but they are biased.
5.
People will talk about you behind your back. Ignore
them. You don’t need those people in your life.
6.
Going through a divorce, you will realize you
are stronger than you ever thought possible.
7.
Finding the courage to divorce can be the
hardest thing you have ever done, but if it’s a bad marriage, it is well worth
it.
8.
Don’t stay married just for the kids’ sake. They
want you to be happy, and they can tell if you are miserable.
9.
Seriously, I mean it. You don’t have to allow
people to treat you like sh*t, but if you do, the kids will notice. And they
might lose respect for you. Don’t let that happen.
10.
Agreeing to disagree can save many a marriage.
If he refuses, says you have to agree on everything just because you’re
married, that’s a big red flag. Differences can keep things interesting.
11.
A good marriage is not easy. It takes work, and
two people that really want to succeed at it. If you are the only one working
on it, that’s another red flag.
12.
It’s okay to have little secrets (What, these shoes? No they’re not new. I
have had these for years!), but don’t hide things from each other. You need
full disclosure of finances, friends, and feelings.
13.
RESPECT. Yes, it’s a song, but it means
everything.
14.
Have at least some things in common.
15.
Make time for each other. Put down the phones
and talk, take a walk, even just watch television together. Those moments are
the big things.
16.
Your kids will leave home eventually. Your
spouse will hopefully be with you the rest of your life. So while you are
raising the kids, don’t forget who always has your back and will always be
there for you.
17.
Love each other. Sometimes they might not be
very likeable, and that’s okay. We all have bad days. Just make sure the love
is still there, and that those bad days aren’t more often than not.
18.
Seriously, don’t sweat the small stuff. Learn to
let go of the little things. But make sure you’re not the one always doing the
forgiving and forgetting because that’s called being a chump. Don’t be a chump.
19.
Passive-aggressive behavior is childish. Don’t
be manipulative. If you have a grievance about something your spouse has done,
tell them. It’s not always easy to bring these things up, but letting it fester
is much worse. You have to be able to talk to each other…for the next 40, 50,
60, 70 years…so learn how to communicate.
20.
Trust each other. If trust is broken, it is very
hard to win back.
21.
You cannot do everything on your own. I have
done so for years as a single mom, and almost never asked for help. Having a
partner again makes me realize how hard that was, and I am much happier having
someone to rely and not having to be the strong one all the time.
22.
Sometimes saying you’re sorry even if you didn’t
do anything wrong has a huge impact.
23.
If there are stepchildren, take your time
getting to know them. There’s no rush. Eventually you will love them, even if
you don’t in the beginning or they aren’t being very likeable.
24.
If you want him to clean out the dishwasher,
tell him. Better yet, sit down and divide up the chores so you both have an
equal share and there’s no question about who does what. It will save you from
#19.
25.
Allow each other some alone time. It’s good for
the soul.
26.
Be happy. Alone and together. If you aren’t
happy in your own right, it’s a recipe for disaster to rely on someone else to
make you happy.
27.
Always remember what made you fall in love with
him.
28.
Laugh, a lot. It beats being pouty. Hey, if you
trip over your own feet, it’s no one else’s fault but your own. If you can
laugh at yourself, I guarantee your spouse will fall more in love with you.
29.
If he has to work from home at all hours, then
curl up on the couch near him and read a book. Maybe you aren’t talking but
being close to each other gives you a connection.
30.
No one’s job is more important than the others’,
even if one stays at home and works. Respect that.
31.
Know your spouse’s love language. I didn’t get
this until the second marriage. I finally realized he gave me tons of gifts and
brought me flowers because he was insecure, but also because that was his love
language. However, it wasn’t mine. I prefer words, touch, and quality time. It
just so happens that my boyfriend prefers touch and words, so we are more
closely matched and it’s easier to remember how to show my love for him,
because it’s how I want to be treated, too.
32.
The decision to end a marriage is a difficult
one to make and only you can do that – unless your spouse made the decision.
33.
Affairs are horrible, nasty, and degrading. Don’t
do it. And if your spouse discovers your infidelity, own up to it. Trickle
truth, gaslighting, and flat out lying are just disrespectful, but then so is
cheating. Be accountable for your actions.
34.
If there is animosity regarding the end of the
marriage - and let’s face it, there often is – it probably won’t get any better
any time soon, especially if there are kids involved.
35.
Don’t denigrate your soon-to-be or former spouse
to your kids. That’s just bad parenting.
36.
However, if your kids are older and tell you it’s
time to stop taking they high road because they know their father is an *sshole…well,
I’m not saying you should spill your guts to them, but it does make things
easier. My boys and I have a great relationship where they can speak freely
about their father because they know I understand what a jerk he is. And he
treats them like crap, so it’s not unfounded.
37.
Do your best to be aware of your finances. Even
better, don’t be financially dependent on someone else if you can help it.
38.
Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks of
you. About anything. Indifference is a great place to be. I do care about what
my boss thinks of my work, what my kids think of me as a person, and what my
boyfriend thinks of me, but other than that, I could care less.
39.
If you are miserable, do something about it.
Only you are responsible for your happiness. See #26.
40.
Don’t jump into anything. Sometimes a long
engagement is best, especially if you already have kids and your clock isn’t
ticking so loudly any more. (Think Brad and Angelina.)
41.
Be fair.
42.
Don’t be selfish.
43.
Do your spouse’s chores from time to time.
Surprise them. Even if it’s not their love language, they will appreciate you
doing things for them.
44.
But don’t keep score. Do it because you love
them, not because you expect them to reciprocate.
45.
Remember the Golden Rule – do unto others as you’d
have them do unto you. This goes for your marriage, too.
46.
Tell your spouse you are proud of him. But
only if it’s true.
47.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Some
things are hard to take back once you say them.
48.
Don’t ask a question you aren’t prepared to hear
the answer to.
49.
Give in sometimes. You can’t always have
everything your way, so learn to give up control once in a while.
50.
Be aware that everyone changes, including you. Adapt.
51.
Don’t judge others as you don’t know what their
journey is like. Just as they shouldn’t judge you. But they will. I guarantee
it.
52.
Kiss your spouse and tell them you love them. Every.
Single. Day.
53.
A gentle touch or a hug from behind sends a
message that you care about your spouse. Try to do that whenever you walk by
them.
54.
When you get divorced, or you are in a bad marriage,
you will lose friends.
55.
If you tolerate bad behavior in your marriage,
others will think you’re okay with such behavior. Remember, only you can allow
someone to treat you a certain way.
56.
Fight fair. Don’t raise your voice if you can
help it. Remember to use “I” sentences. And do not, under any circumstances,
call your spouse names, be sarcastic towards them or demean them in anyway
during an argument.
57.
Be your spouse’s biggest supporter, not their biggest
critic.
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