A basement finish!!!

It’s been VERY busy around my house! So many things going on, but I think for this post, I will focus on just one topic…finishing that darn basement! It has been quite the whirlwind project, trying to get that done in between work and the kids and the boyfriend and, well, life! But it is coming together quite nicely…finally.

I have to admit there have been times I wanted to just give up. It became overwhelming, trying to keep up. And then not knowing what I was doing. Yes, I can admit that as well. I was in over my head at times, and I knew it. There are only so many books you can read, or You Tube videos you can watch, to try to make sense out of what needs to be done, and even then, you just don’t know everything. And I didn’t.

That became readily apparent when I failed the rough inspection the first time. Yes, I said the first time. I failed it more than once. The first time, was truly not my fault. The reason given was because the grounds were not made up in the boxes, something my “electrician” cousin should have done or known to do. So I had to spend an hour going around and doing that. I also had to add some cross-bracing in the soffit, which was no big deal, and then the inspector came back the next day. And I failed again.

What I was NOT told the first day was that the cross-bracing was not enough. Apparently, there was a necessity for having bracing from the floor joists above going down to the soffits to support the weight of the ceiling, and subsequently the drywall, which he had not told me about. Yes, it makes sense in hindsight, but again, I failed the rough in. And when the inspector told me I could go ahead and finish the insulation and they could check off the rough-in when they did the inspection for that, I did a double-take. Come again? An insulation inspection? Whatchu talking ‘bout, Willis?

I guess that’s another thing I was unaware of. Figures. So I had to go out that night and purchase over $300 worth of insulation to stuff between the studs. Oh, did I mention that I had already glued 2” extruded polystyrene panels to the concrete walls BEFORE I put up the walls? And apparently that was not enough insulation, though I did have a “conversation” about that with the inspector. We disagreed, but in the end, he won.

The next day, I did contact the inspector that I had been communicating with (he had been oh-so-nicely answering my stupid questions), and expressed my concerns regarding the pdf that my city had posted on their website about the minimum R rating required for basement construction. While I still disagreed with what was considered minimum standards, I had already bought and put up the insulation, so it didn’t really matter at that point. It was done, and my basement now far exceeded the minimum R rating for basements, as far as anyone was concerned. And so we passed. Finally.

Oh, by the way, my inspector friend did mention that the pdf that was on the website was actually several years outdated and had it taken down so it could be updated. So I guess I did my good deed for the day. Huh. Interestingly enough, it as a pdf for the entire county. I was still able to locate it through other municipalities, but over time, it has disappeared until I can no longer locate it. At least I have done some good for someone else. J

So  onto the drywall. It just so happened that I decided that I could not handle this particular task myself, so I hired someone recommended by the manager that had hired me at my current position. I did not get any other references, though in hindsight, again, that was probably a mistake. The 3-5 days that it was to take turned into three-and-a-half weeks, totally blowing my timeline, and seriously damaging my sanity. But I have learned to roll with the punches.

I was out of town at a work conference so TK was staying at the house to be the “adult in charge” for the weekend, and he basically never left, which has been nice. He never gave me a move-in date, and for good reason, I guess, considering the date I had in mind is two months in the past and my son has yet to move into the basement bedroom. But I digress. In any event, he was there while the sheetrock guys farted around and were supposed to have been done, though they barely had gotten started by the time I had returned. Sigh.

Two weeks after my return, I had taken a week of vacation to work on painting and such, and they did not finish to halfway through my time off. How frustrating was that??? Had I known, I would have postponed my vacation, but there was nothing to be done, so again, I had to roll with it. So my sister came to visit and I enjoyed my time off as much as possible.

Once they finished and left, I set about fixing the mistakes they had made, and then got to work on setting cabinets, tiling the floor in the wet bar, and laying the gym floor. Next came trim work, and then I built a nook under the basement stairs. This is no ordinary nook, but a cute little place for a respite, a bench/bed for reading or resting or whatever. I built it while TK was at scout camp with his son, so no interruptions to distract me, and I was done in about two hours. It is very cute, has handy storage underneath, and is already a hit. A twin size futon mattress on top finishes it off. Well, that and I still need to paint it, but then a few (dozen) pillows and a blanket and it will be perfect!

I’ve spent the last few days caulking and painting in the bedroom so my son can move in this week. I saw an article on Houzz about painting interior doors black, and decided to paint his doors black, with his permission. I have one done and it looks awesome, so the closet door is up next. The trim will all be white, and is in the process of being painted, then I need to get back in and touch up the wall paint, and then he can move in. I am hoping for Thursday (it’s Tuesday now). His brother is home from college for a few days, so he can help him move things down the two flights of stairs. And then the youngest member can finally move her things into the abandoned bedroom and call it her own. Then we will be done.

Well, almost. I will still need to caulk/paint the rest of the trim in the basement, but that’s it! The carpet was installed last week, and it looks amazing! And smells wonderful! Add the paint fumes to that, and it’s just a joy to go downstairs! J The sectional got moved down last night, so the college student has someplace to crash, and TK brought over his flat screen and mounted it on the wall, so we have a television finally, too. Now to finish off the wet bar with a fridge and a microwave, and maybe some upper cabinets….

And that’s it. It’ll be done. It has been a LONG haul, but oh so worthy it. One of DS2’s friends commented that the first time she saw the basement there was nothing down there but two walls, and a table that they played games at, as well as the usual basement storage stuff. And now look at it…so much different. I am excited about pulling pics together to see the before/after. THAT will be exciting! And here’s to starting a new chapter in our lives!

Discipline and my boyfriend's kids...

I think it’s always difficult to watch someone else’s child misbehave and not have it corrected.  I am not trying to judge anyone…please don’t think that’s what I am doing here.  But I think we have all been in a circumstance where the child clearly is in need of structure, rules and guidance, and yet the parent(s), for whatever reason, is not providing what is needed; hence, the child acts out.

Now, I am not a perfect parent and I certainly have made my share of mistakes!  Believe me - I have been married twice, after all!  But, I have raised three wonderful boys.  They are respectful, courteous, well-behaved, funny, sometimes sarcastic, loving individuals.  Yes, they were disciplined, and sometimes that meant a spanking, though that was usually reserved for when there was a safety issue or imminent danger, such as running through a parking lot (DS2 did this and we discovered later he had ADHD).  Neither of my exes have much, if any, input in raising my boys because they either chose to move away, or were self-involved with their own troubles, so it was left to me.

I have had so many friends tell me what great kids I have, how respectful and kind they are.  They tell me I have done a good job raising the boys, and I do take great pride in that.  I also pass their kind words on to the kids, because it’s not just about me – it’s about them, too.  I know I have great kids and I tell them that all the time.  Because they are.

TK has recently told me that my kids are much better behaved than his are.  He also has told me he wants what I have – I laugh and have a good time with my kids, and I agree that that’s important.  He says he wants to be a better father when he is around me, with me, as a family.  I appreciate that, and love that he acknowledges this and wants to work on it.

We have talked about moving in together, so about a month ago, I implemented Saturday night sleepovers - TK brings the kids and they all sleep at my house.  This gets us all used to being around each other, to see how well we mesh, and used to the idea that we might eventually live in the same house.  I think it’s a much better plan than just having them move in, and it’s working out so far, though there have been a few snags.

But the snags are important, and I am finding that they need to be addressed sooner rather than later.  I finally understand what TK meant when he said he wants to be a better father when he’s around me.  Because we have begun spending even more time together, I have started to see a pattern in TK’s discipline of his kids.  And I am afraid this could be a major source of the stress he has been going through, let alone a small red flag to address soon.

One of the biggest things I learned early on as a parent was that you shouldn’t threaten your kids with punishment that you cannot, or don’t intend to, follow through on.  A friend recently told me about her niece being told that she wouldn’t get to have her birthday party next week for misbehaving.  In my opinion, nothing a 3-year-old does warrants having her birthday party taken away.  But this child is already aware that whatever Mommy threatens she isn’t following through with anyway, so who cares, right?

I admit there have been times when I have reacted out of emotion rather than keeping my wits about me and thinking things through.  Sometimes you just snap, and as a single parent, you’re the only one there, so things can get pretty crazy (I realize it can happen with married parents, too).  Even if you do overreact, you must act to correct it immediately.  I remember once I got upset with DS1 about something and immediately told him he was grounded for a month.  Now, as soon as I said that I knew I couldn’t live with the consequences, let alone have him live with them.  He was ten, a month was a long time in the summer, and I would be punished just as much as him.  I stopped right then, looked at him and told him that I didn’t really mean a month, more like a week, but if the behavior continued, I would increase it to a month.  He ceased the behavior then and there because I took a stance, and he knew I meant business.  Throwing “The Look” at him helped, too.

Yet I have witnessed many occasions where TK does this with his own children (they are 11 and 9, by the way).  I love TK and I love his kids, but sometimes I want to just jump in and discipline them myself.  And in some instances I do.  For example, I cooked dinner last night, and while his son was eating, I watched him pick up his pork chop with his fingers and take a bite of it.  I got his attention and told him to please use his fork to eat with.  He immediately did as he was told, though 20 minutes later, he did it again.  This time TK was sitting at the table with us, though not aware of his son’s actions.  I held up a finger for TK to give me a second, and again asked his son to use his fork as I had told him before.  He said “oh yeah” and did as I asked.  TK just smiled a bit and shrugged.

Now, this took me a bit by surprise.  I wouldn’t have thought so, but I am fairly certain this is common practice in TK’s house, if his son had to be reminded again to correct his behavior.  No, he wasn’t harming anyone but I expect basic manners to be used when eating, as I have taught my kids to do – it’s an expectation in my home and at restaurants.  Looks like I may have some work to do here, even more so because TK did not say anything to back me up, but at least he didn’t say or do anything negative.

I understand that his children lost their mother almost 6 years ago, and have been raised by their dad and fraternal grandfather ever since.  I don’t want to excuse their behavior, and this isn’t anything too serious, but it is the tip of the iceberg.  I have witnessed many more serious issues that I am somewhat concerned about.  They are allowed to hit each other, to some extent, and get threatened with spankings for doing so.  I contend that physical harm should not be punished with the like.  If my kids ever hit someone else, they were put in time out or given another kind of punishment, but never spanked for it.  I just don’t believe in that.

Additionally, I have had to tell TK’s son to get out of the ice chest at Walmart, get out of the refrigerated cooler at Costco, and to stop crawling on the shelves behind the televisions on display.  I understand small children having a natural curiosity, but by this age, it’s usually somewhat tampered by understanding basic right and wrong.  Which makes me think that these kids have been given a lot of leeway because they have lost their mother, and their father feels guilty about working so much that he lets them do what they want when he is with them.

But I can’t sit by and say nothing, because that’s not who I am.  If they are in my house or with me and my son, they will be treated the same as my child.  They will be expected to follow my house rules, and abide by basic manners in public.  I have watched them be disrespectful to their father, in part because he doesn’t enforce the discipline and it gets out of hand sometimes.  I am waiting for the day that one of them is disrespectful to me.  I hope it doesn’t get to that point.  But if they do move into my home, I hope that TK and I will be able to agree on house rules that everyone follows, and enforce them.

I do say things to his kids, correct their behavior, especially if I know that their dad is not aware of what they are doing.  I don’t mete out punishment, only try to redirect them.  I don’t think it is wrong to expect them to have basic manners and treat others with respect.

With that said, I do plan to talk to TK soon.  We have things to work out regarding “The Move”, and this issue is definitely something to address prior to that happening.  As I see it, it would be summer before they did move in – partly because they will have to change schools, and partly because I need time to finish the basement so that DS2 can have his room down there, away from all the younger children.  He’ll be a senior in high school then, and really does deserve his own space.  And that means we would have two free bedrooms on the second floor for TK’s kids, so one of them wouldn’t have to be in the basement so far from their dad.

I think dating a widower has its own set of challenges, and I am trying to work through the issues the best I can.  Communication is extremely important in any relationship, and it was glaringly absent in my last marriage despite my best efforts (addicts crawl into their shells and hide things – go figure).  I am trying my best to keep this as healthy as possible, and I know TK is trying, too.  It’s all I can ask at this point.