A Mother's Day Weekend I Will Never Forget

I can’t even begin to describe the emotions I went through this weekend. With DS1 graduating college Saturday, I was on top of the world. I was so happy for him to reach this milestone in his life. He worked hard for it, in spite of all of the obstacles put in his way, and I am so proud of him for overcoming all he did to get here. I got a huge hug from him after his graduation, and neither of us wanted to let go.  And then seeing his comment on Facebook after his graduation party just made my day all over again: Oh I can't forget my momma for helping me get through these last 21+ years.  I just love my little boy!

Then he came home after the party because it was Mother’s Day the next day. Saturday night he went to the store and bought a card (I am assuming he had forgotten), and then all three boys went and got me flowers Sunday morning. T made me quiche for breakfast, and had flowers delivered later that day. And then that evening I opened cards and gifts from the boys, and two cards from T because he couldn’t choose between them so he bought them both. Awww. And DS3 gave me lots of hugs and told me how much he loved me. My heart was full.

DS2 had forgotten to get me a card, so he wrote me a note instead, and it brought me to tears. I started to read it but had to stop because I was crying. He even told me I didn’t have to read it right then, which was good because each time I tried, I started tearing up again. Here’s what he wrote:

You are the coolest, supportiveingest, best ever, lovingist, awesome mom in the world…but everything I just said, all those words I just made up, will never be enough for me to truly convey how amazing you are. I know I don’t tell you enough how much I love you or how much you mean to me, but I consider myself, and J and S, to be the luckiest sons in the world to have such an extraordinary mom. You’ve been there for each of us through everything and you are without a doubt the strongest person I know. You’ve been through a lot of crap and we’ve put you through a lot, ya know, money pits and all, but I know that I speak for all three of us in saying that I’m extremely grateful for all that you do. Every single thing. I’m so incredibly proud to call such a fantastic woman my mom. I’m just so proud of you. You’ve raised us almost entirely by yourself and we’ve all turned out fine (mostly…) You freaking ran 13.1 miles! That’s so awesome! I still wish I could’ve been there to see that. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you knew how happy I am to have you. You’re my favorite person in the world and I don’t know where/what I would be without you. I love you, Mom. Happy Mother’s Day. M

That right there….that’s what it’s all about. All of those years of dealing with my ex, all the crap I have had to put up with, taking the high road, trying to be strong, trying to hold the kids up and not let them see what a world class jerk their father was/is, making sure they did all that they were supposed to do and raise them right and to be moral, respectful people…all of that. All the things that I wasn’t sure I was even doing right came down to a 24-hour period when it came back to me in spades.

People tell you things when you are a divorced parent, about how to not disparage the other parent, to try to co-parent by always thinking of the kids first, to not fight in front of the kids, to not use the kids as go-betweens. Yeah, I did all of those things. But quite honestly, it drove me insane how people would judge me by STILL acting as though they had the right to speak to me like I didn’t already know that, as though I had any control over the other parent. He did what he pleased,, almost the opposite of what I would say or do. It didn't matter. And yet the kids KNOW things aren't right.

Often times it was his family who would say these things – “I see this all the time in my job, how the parents arguing is affecting the kid, and you two need to put your differences aside.” Or “You both need to work this out.”  Or “You can’t put the kids in the middle. You have to do what’s best for them.” Just who did these people think they were to give advice to ME? Because guess where they were getting their information from???

It didn’t take too long for the first one to figure out that his brother was lying to him. It took a little longer for the second one, but once he lied to his dad in the most egregious way possible, it put a scar on their relationship that still exists today, 13 years later. The third one was his mother. Now, I understand that motherly bond runs deep, and she did come around for a while. But then she started “drinking the KoolAid” again after several years, and I finally had to tell her that if she was going to listen to the lies he was telling her and then repeat them to my children (who were teenagers by then) and they KNEW the truth, then she needed to be prepared to deal with their feelings regarding those issues. Needless to say, her relationship with her grandsons has suffered somewhat in the last few years.

And you know what? I am indifferent. She made a choice and she has to live with it. I can see that it is hurting her, but I think she may be slowly coming around. She missed DS1’s college graduation due to the threat of thunderstorms and she didn’t feel comfortable driving 2 hours if they were to come to fruition (they didn’t). No one from that side of the family was there or attended the graduation party. How sad for them. DS1 was unconcerned – he is past their issues.

DS2’s high school graduation is this weekend and she swears that she will make it to that – though it is twice as far for her to drive and the threat for severe weather is just as strong. Neither of her grandsons is holding out hope that she will show – because of the family history, they are thinking that their father is having some influence over her. I hope that is not the case and the she has reached an age of maturity (finally!) and will do her best to be there for her grandkids. Because I would bet DS2’s entire college tuition that his father will not be.

The irony in all of this? Not sure there is any, but the ex is such a narcissist that he thinks he has a right to be at both graduations. And perhaps he does - he did have to pay half of DS1's college tuition per court order. But he did not help raise my boys. He merely donated some sperm to create these human beings, but he has done nothing to mold them into the young men they are today. And they are NOTHING like him. I want them to know that because they don’t want to be like him. They don’t like him. They say he is a crappy person, a horrible father, and a bully.And they are right.

DS2 asks why his dad thinks he deserves to be at his graduation when he abandoned him when he was three years old.  I explained that because in his mind he still doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He hasn’t come to terms with, and probably never will, the fact that in the boys’ minds he walked out on them, moved half way across the country, and didn’t talk to them for almost three months. And then when he did, he told them lies. And then he only contacted them sporadically. He finds it easier to blame me, and the boys for not calling him, than to accept accountability for his actions. He still holds onto that. Even when he came here to run the race that DS2 mentioned, that DS1 attended with me and his dad ran right by him without knowing it, he still had an excuse for not contacting the boys that weekend. The excuses eventually fell on deaf ears, as they had on my years before.

I told DS2 that he thinks it’s his right that as their father, he deserves to be there. And we aren’t telling him he can’t attend, just that the reserved tickets were going to be used by me, DS1 and DS3 and that DS2 had given his last ticket to a friend with a very large family. The ex countered that he thought DS2 got 6 tickets and expected 3 to be set aside for his family, but I pointed out that he was looking at a different high school’s website, one that DS2 did NOT attend (shows how much he knows about his son that he doesn't even know which high school he attends, and he's on the email list!). Also, DS2 was free to do with his tickets as he wished as he was an adult (he’s 18), and he said that his dad could attend and view in the overflow gym. But he asked this his father not attempt to speak to him or make a scene at graduation. We haven’t heard from him since. Nor did DS1 after telling him he wasn’t welcome at the after party being held at my sister's house.

DS1 has quoted Will Smith on Facebook: If you’re absent during my struggle, don’t expect to be present during my success. I think that speaks volumes. So to me the irony is in those things everyone said to me, how I should act, what I should do. I did those things, but I raised my boys by myself. AND THEY TURNED OUT GREAT!  The Facebook post and that note from DS2 – those were so worth the last 21+ years. Four years ago was a defining moment, when the older boys told me to stop taking the high road because they knew their dad was a POS and I didn’t need to cover for him anymore. This weekend, my boys showed me how much my actions, my love, means to them, and I will NEVER forget it.

57 things I have learned from multiple marriages....

I have been married and divorced twice. Yes, it’s true. No, I am not a serial “marrier”. I wanted a happy life with the man I loved, but unfortunately, I was oblivious the first time to things that I should have paid attention to but I was young and thought I was in love. The second time, I married an addict in recovery who fell off the wagon and became a different person, one whose action I could not abide by (stealing, cheating, lying…).

I am now with the love of my life, though I am understandably a little skittish about marriage. Not because I failed at it twice, but because I was blind-sided both times before. I don’t consider my marriages failures because I learned from my mistakes. (And I am seriously leaning towards marrying my boyfriend, in spite of my past. We are both very happy but marriage does add another layer to the relationship.)

Here’s a list of things I have learned – maybe it can save someone else from the same heartache.

1.       If your intuition tells you something, listen to it! I wouldn’t have gotten married the first time if I had, and I would have discovered the affair and other issues much sooner the second time.

2.       Not all men are pigs, but many are selfish. Find one that’s not.

3.       Be very careful if you choose to marry someone with past addictions. I’m not telling you to avoid addicts as I know many very sweet people who are successful in their recovery. Just make sure you know what you are getting into, and understand that an addict is always an addict, even in recovery. Their previous addictions can take other forms. It doesn’t happen to everyone, but it happens more often than you think. Be prepared to deal with that. (I wasn’t.)

4.       Most people don’t want to hear about your marital problems. Don’t bore them. Find a good counselor if you need to talk. Girlfriends may be great listeners, but they are biased.

5.       People will talk about you behind your back. Ignore them. You don’t need those people in your life.

6.       Going through a divorce, you will realize you are stronger than you ever thought possible.

7.       Finding the courage to divorce can be the hardest thing you have ever done, but if it’s a bad marriage, it is well worth it.

8.       Don’t stay married just for the kids’ sake. They want you to be happy, and they can tell if you are miserable.

9.       Seriously, I mean it. You don’t have to allow people to treat you like sh*t, but if you do, the kids will notice. And they might lose respect for you. Don’t let that happen.

10.   Agreeing to disagree can save many a marriage. If he refuses, says you have to agree on everything just because you’re married, that’s a big red flag. Differences can keep things interesting.

11.   A good marriage is not easy. It takes work, and two people that really want to succeed at it. If you are the only one working on it, that’s another red flag.

12.   It’s okay to have little secrets (What, these shoes? No they’re not new. I have had these for years!), but don’t hide things from each other. You need full disclosure of finances, friends, and feelings.

13.   RESPECT. Yes, it’s a song, but it means everything.

14.   Have at least some things in common.

15.   Make time for each other. Put down the phones and talk, take a walk, even just watch television together. Those moments are the big things.

16.   Your kids will leave home eventually. Your spouse will hopefully be with you the rest of your life. So while you are raising the kids, don’t forget who always has your back and will always be there for you.

17.   Love each other. Sometimes they might not be very likeable, and that’s okay. We all have bad days. Just make sure the love is still there, and that those bad days aren’t more often than not.

18.   Seriously, don’t sweat the small stuff. Learn to let go of the little things. But make sure you’re not the one always doing the forgiving and forgetting because that’s called being a chump. Don’t be a chump.

19.   Passive-aggressive behavior is childish. Don’t be manipulative. If you have a grievance about something your spouse has done, tell them. It’s not always easy to bring these things up, but letting it fester is much worse. You have to be able to talk to each other…for the next 40, 50, 60, 70 years…so learn how to communicate.

20.   Trust each other. If trust is broken, it is very hard to win back.

21.   You cannot do everything on your own. I have done so for years as a single mom, and almost never asked for help. Having a partner again makes me realize how hard that was, and I am much happier having someone to rely and not having to be the strong one all the time.

22.   Sometimes saying you’re sorry even if you didn’t do anything wrong has a huge impact.

23.   If there are stepchildren, take your time getting to know them. There’s no rush. Eventually you will love them, even if you don’t in the beginning or they aren’t being very likeable.

24.   If you want him to clean out the dishwasher, tell him. Better yet, sit down and divide up the chores so you both have an equal share and there’s no question about who does what. It will save you from #19.

25.   Allow each other some alone time. It’s good for the soul.

26.   Be happy. Alone and together. If you aren’t happy in your own right, it’s a recipe for disaster to rely on someone else to make you happy.

27.   Always remember what made you fall in love with him.

28.   Laugh, a lot. It beats being pouty. Hey, if you trip over your own feet, it’s no one else’s fault but your own. If you can laugh at yourself, I guarantee your spouse will fall more in love with you.

29.   If he has to work from home at all hours, then curl up on the couch near him and read a book. Maybe you aren’t talking but being close to each other gives you a connection.

30.   No one’s job is more important than the others’, even if one stays at home and works. Respect that.

31.   Know your spouse’s love language. I didn’t get this until the second marriage. I finally realized he gave me tons of gifts and brought me flowers because he was insecure, but also because that was his love language. However, it wasn’t mine. I prefer words, touch, and quality time. It just so happens that my boyfriend prefers touch and words, so we are more closely matched and it’s easier to remember how to show my love for him, because it’s how I want to be treated, too.

32.   The decision to end a marriage is a difficult one to make and only you can do that – unless your spouse made the decision.

33.   Affairs are horrible, nasty, and degrading. Don’t do it. And if your spouse discovers your infidelity, own up to it. Trickle truth, gaslighting, and flat out lying are just disrespectful, but then so is cheating. Be accountable for your actions.

34.   If there is animosity regarding the end of the marriage - and let’s face it, there often is – it probably won’t get any better any time soon, especially if there are kids involved.

35.   Don’t denigrate your soon-to-be or former spouse to your kids. That’s just bad parenting.

36.   However, if your kids are older and tell you it’s time to stop taking they high road because they know their father is an *sshole…well, I’m not saying you should spill your guts to them, but it does make things easier. My boys and I have a great relationship where they can speak freely about their father because they know I understand what a jerk he is. And he treats them like crap, so it’s not unfounded.

37.   Do your best to be aware of your finances. Even better, don’t be financially dependent on someone else if you can help it.

38.   Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks of you. About anything. Indifference is a great place to be. I do care about what my boss thinks of my work, what my kids think of me as a person, and what my boyfriend thinks of me, but other than that, I could care less.

39.   If you are miserable, do something about it. Only you are responsible for your happiness. See #26.

40.   Don’t jump into anything. Sometimes a long engagement is best, especially if you already have kids and your clock isn’t ticking so loudly any more. (Think Brad and Angelina.)

41.   Be fair.

42.   Don’t be selfish.

43.   Do your spouse’s chores from time to time. Surprise them. Even if it’s not their love language, they will appreciate you doing things for them.

44.   But don’t keep score. Do it because you love them, not because you expect them to reciprocate.

45.   Remember the Golden Rule – do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. This goes for your marriage, too.

46.   Tell your spouse you are proud of him. But only if it’s true.

47.   Say what you mean and mean what you say. Some things are hard to take back once you say them.

48.   Don’t ask a question you aren’t prepared to hear the answer to.

49.   Give in sometimes. You can’t always have everything your way, so learn to give up control once in a while.

50.   Be aware that everyone changes, including you. Adapt.

51.   Don’t judge others as you don’t know what their journey is like. Just as they shouldn’t judge you. But they will. I guarantee it.

52.   Kiss your spouse and tell them you love them. Every. Single. Day.

53.   A gentle touch or a hug from behind sends a message that you care about your spouse. Try to do that whenever you walk by them.

54.   When you get divorced, or you are in a bad marriage, you will lose friends.

55.   If you tolerate bad behavior in your marriage, others will think you’re okay with such behavior. Remember, only you can allow someone to treat you a certain way.

56.   Fight fair. Don’t raise your voice if you can help it. Remember to use “I” sentences. And do not, under any circumstances, call your spouse names, be sarcastic towards them or demean them in anyway during an argument.

57.   Be your spouse’s biggest supporter, not their biggest critic.

25 Revelations and Life Lessons:

1. It's amazing the difference a new mattress can make!! Ahh! Why didn't I think of this sooner? Oh yeah, wasn't my idea. He's so smart!

2.  I have two seniors - wow - glad I don't feel like one myself! (yet?)

3. Kids grow up fast. The teen has been accepted at both KU and Pitt State for next fall. Will he follow in my/his brothers'/other family members' footsteps, or go the road less traveled? Either way, he will forge his own path, and I am so proud of him, of all my boys! Rock Chalk Gorillas??!! (I still feel old.)

4.  Life is good. It may seem crappy at times, but it's better than the alternative.  If you are thinking the alternative actually looks appealing, seek help; there are other options. I have been depressed and taken medication for it, and know of others who have as well. Sometimes you need help, so don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for it.

5. Finding someone who is almost as OCD as me = score. The fact that he not only accepts my "germophobic" ways but understands them = priceless.

6. Life is short. Be happy. Or stop complaining.

7. You will never ever know what someone else’s journey has been like. Don’t assume you do. You know what assuming does.

8. Sometimes you get a curve ball, and it can scare the shit out of you or turn your world upside down. But you have to stay positive. It's okay to break down sometimes but you have to be strong. And sometimes the curve ball can be just what you needed. At the time, it may not seem like it. But maybe it will all work out.

9.  I will NEVER regret being present in my boys' lives. I love them and they know it. They're stuck with me, anyway, the poor suckers. :-)

10. The person who stands by you through thick and thin, without complaint, who holds you when you cry after the bad news, and smiles and hugs you closer when you tell him the doctor said they got it all...he's THE ONE...finally. I AM the luckiest girl in the world.

11. FRIENDS. It's not about how many you have...they will come and go, and it's okay. At least that's what they tell me. I have managed to keep a few around, so….

12. I don't care what anyone thinks of me, with a few exceptions (my boyfriend, my boys, my boss). I've made mistakes, sure, and I've learned from them. Some I will NEVER make again! But they are MY mistakes, and I am happy with my life. If you feel the need to judge me, I can find you a mirror.

13. Think for yourself. Don't just drink the Kool-Aid. If you have an opinion, is it because you have valid reasoning or were you spoon-fed what you "believe"? Think about it. Do the research yourself. Look at the argument from all sides. You might be surprised what you discover.

14. Work hard. It pays off eventually. Or don’t. But be prepared to live like you haven’t worked hard if you didn't.

15. NEVER burn your bridges. If someone else burns it, fine. But don’t light the match yourself.

16. Wear clean underwear.  Seems innocuous though. Who doesn’t, right? If you’re in an accident, though, I promise you they are not concerned with the condition of your underwear. I've been in plenty of ERs, and know this first hand.

17. Let your kids see you fail at something. And then get back up again, get it together, and succeed. Do you think they learned a lesson there?

18. Always be grateful. Don’t be selfish.

19. Perspective. See # 4, 6, 7 and 12. If you still don’t understand, keep reading.

20. Malignant melanoma - two of the scariest words I could hear, but better me than one of the kids. Cells in the margins? Not good. But the second wide excision was successful - no more cancer. That's great news, but I will be cautiously, guardedly optimistic from now on. My scar looks kinda scary (a little Frankenstein-like to me) but I can't easily hide it, and I don't care. I guess I'm just not that vain. The look on my engineer's face at work when I told him I got knifed on Bannister Road? Sometimes you just gotta find the humor. Love you, Sai!

22. Now do you get what I mean about perspective? Find what is important to you and focus on that. And take time to laugh, even at yourself.

23. As my arm heals, I can finally start training for my next half marathon. I really miss running. It's great therapy. And now I have a training partner!

24. Take time to relax. The beach is still my favorite vacation spot…I just have to be more careful in the sun. Everything in moderation. Though I need to GET there again!

25. Take care of yourself. Ain’t nobody else got time to do it! (Sorry, had to say it!)

There’s plenty more life lessons out there. These are just things that popped into my head as I wrote in my journal and I thought some of them were funny.  I will end with one final movie quote, which somewhat inspired #13, and became even more poignant yesterday – O captain, my captain.

A basement finish!!!

It’s been VERY busy around my house! So many things going on, but I think for this post, I will focus on just one topic…finishing that darn basement! It has been quite the whirlwind project, trying to get that done in between work and the kids and the boyfriend and, well, life! But it is coming together quite nicely…finally.

I have to admit there have been times I wanted to just give up. It became overwhelming, trying to keep up. And then not knowing what I was doing. Yes, I can admit that as well. I was in over my head at times, and I knew it. There are only so many books you can read, or You Tube videos you can watch, to try to make sense out of what needs to be done, and even then, you just don’t know everything. And I didn’t.

That became readily apparent when I failed the rough inspection the first time. Yes, I said the first time. I failed it more than once. The first time, was truly not my fault. The reason given was because the grounds were not made up in the boxes, something my “electrician” cousin should have done or known to do. So I had to spend an hour going around and doing that. I also had to add some cross-bracing in the soffit, which was no big deal, and then the inspector came back the next day. And I failed again.

What I was NOT told the first day was that the cross-bracing was not enough. Apparently, there was a necessity for having bracing from the floor joists above going down to the soffits to support the weight of the ceiling, and subsequently the drywall, which he had not told me about. Yes, it makes sense in hindsight, but again, I failed the rough in. And when the inspector told me I could go ahead and finish the insulation and they could check off the rough-in when they did the inspection for that, I did a double-take. Come again? An insulation inspection? Whatchu talking ‘bout, Willis?

I guess that’s another thing I was unaware of. Figures. So I had to go out that night and purchase over $300 worth of insulation to stuff between the studs. Oh, did I mention that I had already glued 2” extruded polystyrene panels to the concrete walls BEFORE I put up the walls? And apparently that was not enough insulation, though I did have a “conversation” about that with the inspector. We disagreed, but in the end, he won.

The next day, I did contact the inspector that I had been communicating with (he had been oh-so-nicely answering my stupid questions), and expressed my concerns regarding the pdf that my city had posted on their website about the minimum R rating required for basement construction. While I still disagreed with what was considered minimum standards, I had already bought and put up the insulation, so it didn’t really matter at that point. It was done, and my basement now far exceeded the minimum R rating for basements, as far as anyone was concerned. And so we passed. Finally.

Oh, by the way, my inspector friend did mention that the pdf that was on the website was actually several years outdated and had it taken down so it could be updated. So I guess I did my good deed for the day. Huh. Interestingly enough, it as a pdf for the entire county. I was still able to locate it through other municipalities, but over time, it has disappeared until I can no longer locate it. At least I have done some good for someone else. J

So  onto the drywall. It just so happened that I decided that I could not handle this particular task myself, so I hired someone recommended by the manager that had hired me at my current position. I did not get any other references, though in hindsight, again, that was probably a mistake. The 3-5 days that it was to take turned into three-and-a-half weeks, totally blowing my timeline, and seriously damaging my sanity. But I have learned to roll with the punches.

I was out of town at a work conference so TK was staying at the house to be the “adult in charge” for the weekend, and he basically never left, which has been nice. He never gave me a move-in date, and for good reason, I guess, considering the date I had in mind is two months in the past and my son has yet to move into the basement bedroom. But I digress. In any event, he was there while the sheetrock guys farted around and were supposed to have been done, though they barely had gotten started by the time I had returned. Sigh.

Two weeks after my return, I had taken a week of vacation to work on painting and such, and they did not finish to halfway through my time off. How frustrating was that??? Had I known, I would have postponed my vacation, but there was nothing to be done, so again, I had to roll with it. So my sister came to visit and I enjoyed my time off as much as possible.

Once they finished and left, I set about fixing the mistakes they had made, and then got to work on setting cabinets, tiling the floor in the wet bar, and laying the gym floor. Next came trim work, and then I built a nook under the basement stairs. This is no ordinary nook, but a cute little place for a respite, a bench/bed for reading or resting or whatever. I built it while TK was at scout camp with his son, so no interruptions to distract me, and I was done in about two hours. It is very cute, has handy storage underneath, and is already a hit. A twin size futon mattress on top finishes it off. Well, that and I still need to paint it, but then a few (dozen) pillows and a blanket and it will be perfect!

I’ve spent the last few days caulking and painting in the bedroom so my son can move in this week. I saw an article on Houzz about painting interior doors black, and decided to paint his doors black, with his permission. I have one done and it looks awesome, so the closet door is up next. The trim will all be white, and is in the process of being painted, then I need to get back in and touch up the wall paint, and then he can move in. I am hoping for Thursday (it’s Tuesday now). His brother is home from college for a few days, so he can help him move things down the two flights of stairs. And then the youngest member can finally move her things into the abandoned bedroom and call it her own. Then we will be done.

Well, almost. I will still need to caulk/paint the rest of the trim in the basement, but that’s it! The carpet was installed last week, and it looks amazing! And smells wonderful! Add the paint fumes to that, and it’s just a joy to go downstairs! J The sectional got moved down last night, so the college student has someplace to crash, and TK brought over his flat screen and mounted it on the wall, so we have a television finally, too. Now to finish off the wet bar with a fridge and a microwave, and maybe some upper cabinets….

And that’s it. It’ll be done. It has been a LONG haul, but oh so worthy it. One of DS2’s friends commented that the first time she saw the basement there was nothing down there but two walls, and a table that they played games at, as well as the usual basement storage stuff. And now look at it…so much different. I am excited about pulling pics together to see the before/after. THAT will be exciting! And here’s to starting a new chapter in our lives!

What doesn't kill me...

I never realized my ex-husband was such a litigious person. Maybe he never was before, but he certainly was a bully – one of the reasons we are now divorced – so it stands to reason that if he doesn’t get his way, he is quick to run to his attorney. This has been an ongoing issue since our divorce was finalized in 2000. Yes, I said 2000, almost 14 years ago!

We had joint custody of our two sons (I say had because the oldest is almost 21), though I had primary physical custody. This was for the best, believe me. He doesn’t see them often at all, and the kids have developed a rather low opinion of him over time.  No Parent Alienation Syndrome here – the kids figured it out after he repeatedly let them down, then finally told ME it was time to let it all go.

Several times I have had to take him to court to get him to pay what he legally owes, even doing so a few times without legal representation. I am not a lawyer, and for the difficult stuff, I always would recommend to at least consult an attorney, but for medical/dental expenses or child support adjustments, it’s a pretty simple form and a 15-minute hearing. I have done it a few times and become quite good at it!

I do know my limitations, however. The latest was my ex’s failure to pay for his share of my oldest son’s college expenses. Without giving a fully detailed account of that, the gist of it is that he told my son over a year ago that he would no longer pay for college. Now, he can’t do that when it clearly states in our Separation Agreement that we both pay an equal share of college tuition, room and board at an in-state, four-year institution. He is required to pay even if now he doesn't want to.

Last August, I had again asked for the money that my ex-husband owed me, since I alone had been paying for my son to attend college. To me, it’s not even so much about the money as in affording my son the opportunity – and his dad telling him at the last minute that he wouldn’t pay really messes with the kid’s mind, especially since his dad had done the same thing right before his freshman year and my son was concerned he wouldn’t be able to attend college. I assured him that was not the case, made arrangements to make sure he would be able to, and then advised his father he’d have to cover his half. But the stress my son had to endure, each and every time his dad does this – that’s what gets to me.

Of course it’s been a long, drawn-out battle, and it doesn’t have to be. Immediately after my email to him last August, the ex went to his lawyer, apparently told some story that I was refusing to provide him documentation of what I had paid (of which he cannot provide proof – uh, since he never asked!), and they filed a motion in court. Of course what he put in the motion was not true, and had he asked for receipts, I would have provided them to him (I keep immaculate records, by the way.)

So, I was forced to enlist the services of my attorney. Now, my attorney has not met my ex – not this one, anyway – but from what he heard from me, he immediately said, “So, he’s a bully.” Wow, that’s the best description I had heard yet. My lawyer proceeded to tell me he had no qualms about taking this to court, that he felt I had a very good chance of getting the judge to see my side. Full disclosure: my son lived at home his second year in college, and so I was including room and board costs in my request for payment from the ex. My lawyer asked where I came up with the amount, and I included a study done by the university my son was attending, that compared costs of living off-campus with their parents, off-campus alone, or on-campus in the dorms. I used the amount they had estimated it would cost to live with parents, even though it seemed low to me at the time.

My lawyer agreed it was a reasonable amount, and then asked if it was okay to have his associate try the case, since he was half the price per hour, and my lawyer would still be there to assist him.  Worked for me!  And so far, it has worked. Unfortunately, though, after we filed the response to their motion and included all the documentation, quite a few weeks went by without hearing anything. So my lawyer contacted his lawyer only to find out that they were “not going to pursue the matter at this time”, essentially withdrawing their motion!

Um, hello, what??  By this time, I was already over $1,500 into what I had paid my lawyer. How is it okay for the ex to not even try to communicate with me but immediately get the lawyers involved, only to back off when he realized he really did owe me money? It’s not like I am lying about it! I have no reason to lie but I’m not stupid, either. What I learned a long time ago is that when #1 is doing something deceitful, he almost always tries to accuse me of doing the same thing. (Fact: he cheated at the end of our marriage and accused me of doing so, even though I was not. Our marriage counselor pointed that out to me…lesson learned.)

I met with my lawyer and told him that I still wanted to continue with this. #1 already owed me $3,000+, and I intended to have him repay that money with my lawyer’s fees included, because my oldest still has another year in college. AND I have another son that will be going to college in just over a year, and I don’t want to have to go through this with him as well. I filled out the necessary documentation for the court, and then his lawyer asked me to provide MORE information. I gave them everything they asked for, and then we waited. Oh, and my lawyer asked for items as well, though my ex was slow at providing them, so it just drug out.

And still nothing happened. Finally, I was sick of it and met again with my lawyer in December. He had the paperwork ready to go, so we filed a motion to recoup the expenses, plus my lawyer’s fees, IN ADDITION TO have the child support refigured. I had estimated my ex’s income and because he had failed to keep the court informed of his income regularly as required, we had just found out that I was about $20,000 short! Not only would my support increase, it would go up $300 a month.

In the county where I live, and where our divorce was finalized, a table was created years ago to aid in determination of child support amounts. Basically, both parents’ income is combined, the ages of the children are entered, and the support obligation is returned. They then take the percentage of total income that is #1’s and apply that to the total support.  That’s what he owes each month. There are a few other things that are considered, such as the fact I pay the health/dental insurance premiums and the ex gets a pay differential for living in a different state with a higher cost of living. But all in all, it’s not something that is really negotiable in court, especially since the teenager no longer goes to visit him, so he doesn’t get credit for travel expenses.

We filed a counter-motion in December…December 30^th to be exact. Which means any ruling will be retroactive to the first of that month. Not only will the support increase, he will also owe me a lump sum at that time of five months of retroactive increase. This was also included in the motion to the court. Of course his attorney then asked for even more paperwork, and I again provided them all they asked for within 24 hours. The next time I talked to my lawyer, he was setting up a court date but it was going to be June before we could get a 2-3 hour block of time to have the judge hear everything! He told me he got the impression from the opposing attorney that her client was requesting that she drag this out – probably so I would just give up. Grrrrrr.

My suggestion then was to split the support out, as it would could get that scheduled sooner as a 15-minute hearing before a trustee, and then we could do the other in a trial before the judge. He agreed and set up the dates – April 7^th for the trustee, and the end of June for the expenses.

It didn’t take long for his attorney to again ask for more information – specifically my 2013 tax return, and then proof of a bonus that my ex supposedly heard that my employer pays to its employees in the first quarter each year! First, I do NOT get a bonus. Second, even if I did receive one, it would have appeared at least on the end-of-the-year pay stub I’d provided, or on my W2, or the very least on my tax return. Third, an increase in my income increases the overall amount of our combined incomes, which also increases the overall amount of child support!!  Is he really that stupid? So not only did I send the most recent pay stub, but I sent several from last March/April, as well as the end of the year one, and my 2013 W-2 AGAIN. Can’t have too much proof, in my opinion.

Also, I was pretty sure #1 was being deceitful again, saying I received a bonus because he was trying to cover one up. My lawyer has uncovered some evidence that he does receive one through an incentive plan, and when he questioned why #1 hadn’t provided a copy of his 2013 tax return yet, my lawyer was told that #1 had not yet filed it. Um, the deadline is in 11 days! And since often times bonuses are paid out on a separate check and a separate W-2, I am convinced that he is not wanting us to find out that he received one; hence, not giving us a copy of his return. Fishy.

Now to date, I have paid my lawyer $2,000 and I just got the most recent bill – I owe him another $1,500. Which means if we go to court in June, I will probably have paid him well over $4,000 when all is said and done. #1’s lawyer charges a LOT more than my lawyer does, I’m sure. I don’t understand why he’s willing to pay $6-7,000+ to avoid paying me the $3,000 he knows he owed, except his MO in the past was to avoid giving me any money directly at all costs.  Not that it makes any sense…

I am not sure what the premise behind this is as I have never misspent any money. Matter of fact, my children are very well cared for and live in a lovely home that I pay for, but I think that’s what irks him and drives him to do these things…he can’t accept that I can raise the boys on my own without any help from him. Yes, I get support, but it barely covers car/health insurance and food for the teenager, and I get nothing for the oldest, though I do pay his car/health insurance, tags/taxes, cell phone and help him with food, car repairs and spending money. And I haven’t asked for reimbursement for those things because I know I wouldn’t win – they aren’t covered in our agreement, and my oldest is over 20 years old.

I sat down and determined how much my mortgage, utilities and food costs were the year that my son lived at home (well, the 9 months of his sophomore year, since that’s what the university had also used, and how long he would have lived in the dorms). I told my lawyer I was doing this since the ex had determined that the $568 a month the university had estimated was too high, and that it was more like $200 a month.  Has he not fed a growing teenager??? So I figured it all up.  Drum roll please – the final amount per month was over $800! My lawyer laughed so hard at that! Food costs alone for my son were almost $300 a month. And the ex didn’t even want to pay me enough money to reimburse for food, let alone other living expenses!

My lawyer sent this information to his lawyer, with a request again to reimburse me for the $568 a month, OR when we go to court, we will present the actual costs to the judge. I’m not sure if it will work, but hey, at least it shows I am willing to compromise, right? And now not only have they come back asking what kind of settlement we can reach with the support, but are willing to settle with the expenses as well. Thing is, I am insisting on him paying my attorney’s fees. Our Separation Agreement states as well that any parent found in default, such as not paying medical/dental/college expenses as required, will pay the other parent’s attorney’s fees.  

If I don’t get the fees paid, I am already in the red, which just sucks. Honestly? I don’t believe he will want to settle if I present him with a request for at least $7,000 for the expenses, and if he makes what my lawyer thinks he makes, another $2,500 in back support. I would go as low as $8,500 total, or $7,500 if he makes less. But that’s it. I truly believe I would win in court, so I will take my chances otherwise.

Really, I just shake my head. I know that sometimes they can argue against paying the fees, and it just depends on how the judge feels that day. But I have every reason to believe the judge will rule in my favor, and that’s why I am not budging from what he owes. Oh, and did I mention that somewhere in there he paid off my son’s student loan, a loan my son HAD to take to go to school last semester because his dad wouldn’t pay? And he paid it off AFTER he met with his attorney in August, who probably told him he was going to have to pay. Yet, he didn’t tell me or my son. We found out in November when they sent us documentation about what HE had paid.

Yeah, it’s really just a pissing contest for him. He’s just a bully and gets his kicks out of making my life difficult, but he is really hurting his kids. The thing that he doesn’t get is that aside from paying my attorney, I find my ex a laughing stock. He has destroyed any possibility of a relationship with his oldest son, and the teenager is right behind him. Neither of them want anything to do with their dad. It’s pretty sad, really. I am angry to some extent, but only because of how my kids are treated by their own father. But on the other hand, I laugh because I am indifferent…I just don’t care. He’s a selfish jerk who thinks he can bully anyone to get his way. What surprises me is that he still tries to insist I have or have not done something when it is quite easy to provide emails as proof. And because I am OCD, my documentation is always in order, something my attorney commented on because it made his job so much easier!

I’ve also learned that when #1 calls my parenting skills into question, it is a reflection on him and not on me. I know I am good parent. I make mistakes but the difference is that I own my mistakes to my kids so that we all learn a lesson. I am raising them to have ethics, be moral, to tell the truth, to help others – all things that their father fails at. If he can’t even be there to help raise his own kids, well then, I’ve proven my point. My kids are amazing and I actually get compliments all the time with how well-behaved they are. They’re just great kids – I can’t take all the credit. J

The moral of this? I’m not sure there is one. I had tried to avoid court by asking him to comply with our agreement, to no avail. And because my son cannot sue him to get compensation, I had to do it – I’m the only one that can, since it was an agreement between US, backed up by the court. I guess it comes down to the fact you can mess with me, and I really could care less. But if you mess with my kids, you better have back up and a helluva lot of proof.

DIY me...

One of my hobbies is home improvement, specifically DIY stuff.  It fascinates me!  I think part of my OCD personality gets a thrill out of making something functional…you know, the whole start-to-finish process.  I love to update fixtures, paint and stain things, decorate, build, put up a new ceiling fan, that sort of thing.  I think some of it comes from growing up poor and my dad doing all of the home repairs out of necessity, so I learned a lot from him - mostly swear words, how NOT to do things, and the importance of finishing what you start, but I digress.

I’ll touch on that last thing, though – I try not to start a project that I don’t think I can finish in a reasonable time frame.  I recently tiled the college student’s bathroom floor, and I planned it in between his visits home so that I would have time in the evenings and on weekends to get it done.  Of course, he made an unannounced appearance one weekend, so he was without a toilet, but it all worked out.  It took me three weeks to finish it because I didn’t want to hurry, and I had to squeeze it in between all the other aspects of my life!

A lot of the projects I do are just simple home repair and improvement, though some do add value to my home.  And if they are things I can do myself, I will give it a shot.  Some things, like painting my house, I will leave to the professionals, though I did caulk all the windows last year and touch up the paint in those spots. 

I have power tools and I know how to use them!  Wow, how attractive is it to hear a girl say that???  Actually, I have been told by several guys, including TK, that they do find that attractive, that I don’t necessarily need a guy to do these things for me and that they think it’s cool that I DO DIY projects.  Bonus!  (Interesting note: when #2 and I got divorced, none of the tools were his, so he didn’t take any with him. He’s not a very handy person and I honestly think it used to intimidate him that I did know how to do these things. A lot of it I learned by watching HGTV and DIY network, or searching the internet.)

I like to be outside in the spring and fall, so during the winter and dead heat of summer, I try to plan inside projects.  One of the things I had wanted to do since I moved into this house almost 5 years ago was to finish the basement.  The builder had already finished a full bath down there when the house was built 7 years ago, so I don’t have to deal with roughing in plumbing (yay!).  However, I knew this was going to be a very long project, that it wasn’t something I could slap together in a weekend, nor would I want to.

I have done some work down there when I’ve had the time, or moved on to other smaller projects that warranted my attention - like building a patio for the firepit last summer, or gel-staining the half-bath vanity (turned out awesome!).  Of course, money comes into play there, too, because it’s not cheap to do an extensive remodel like that, so I have had to budget for these expenses when I can.  Almost two years ago, I purchased the 2” foam board that our city requires for insulation and managed to get that installed throughout almost the entire basement.  It has already reduced my heating bills in the winter and the basement doesn’t feel as cold as it used to.   It should actually pay for itself by the end of next winter. J

Last year, I purchased the lumber for the framing and had it delivered.  My son helped me move it all to the basement (what a lovely workout that was!), where it’s pretty much been sitting ever since.  I had also purchased a framing nail gun and an air compressor, which did expedite the building of the walls.  Yet I had difficulty finding the time to get down there and work on said walls.  Partly because I found a new, uh, hobby last summer, affectionately referred to as TK.

Soooo, much like I invite friends over to force me to do the deep cleaning my house occasionally requires, I have asked TK and his kids to move in.  My house has 4 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms, so it is plenty big.  However, I don’t want any of the kids to have to share a room – mine never have, and his don’t now, and I want ease the transition as much as I can.  I spoke with the teenager (DS2) about the situation and since it has long been the plan to finish a bedroom in the basement, he has declared it will be his, and that the basement will be his “refuge”.

Because the college student has officially “moved out” (he has a yearly lease, but who knows what will happen when he finishes college), his room is available.  I had suggested TK’s daughter take that room (it has its own ensuite), and that his son could have DS2’s room, since that bedroom shares a bath with DS3’s bedroom.  BUT when I talked with DS3 about the plan, he actually asked to have DS1’s room, so he “could be by myself when I want”.  Since TK’s kids share a bath now, it wouldn’t be a problem if they continue to do so, until DS2 goes to college and someone might want the basement bedroom! Logistics!  AND I found out that TK’s daughter would prefer to be closer to everyone else (DS1’s bedroom is somewhat isolated), and is fine with sharing a bathroom with her brother, so everyone wins.

That’s the easy part, though.  This all means that I have three months to get the basement done.  Yikes!   Granted, I probably just need to ensure that DS2’s room is completed, but since I have a permit, I have to get the rough-in inspection done before I can have the drywall installed, so I’m under the gun.  #1 and I had finished the basement at my previous house, though I didn’t help much with this stage, so I am learning as I go.  I’ve made a few mistakes in the process, but I’ve learned and hopefully haven’t screwed anything up that can’t be fixed. 

I do know my limitations, however.  While I can install a sink, faucet, P-trap, toilet and a shower head, I stop at running plumbing lines and drains.  I had to have a plumber out for an issue so I had him check out a pipe that was capped off near a wall, and he agreed that it was a drain intended for a bar sink.  Yippee!  Because I thought it was, I had planned a wet bar, so that made me much happier.  He is coming back tomorrow to rough in the plumbing lines for me.  Money well spent, in my opinion!

My cousin is also a licensed journeyman/electrician, so he has offered to do the electrical for me. I can do basic electrical work, like installing fixtures, running wiring to a new outlet and such, but since I have only two empty breakers remaining on my main panel, he will install a secondary panel for me (way out of my scope!).  He’ll also run the wiring and install the lights, receptacles and switches, just because he can do it faster.  I plan to pay him for this, though he has told me time and again that he doesn’t want my money.  He will take it and be happy about it!  Because honestly, it will be less than what I would have had to pay someone if I’d hired them to do it.

Then the next step is the HVAC.  We did this at my old house as well, so I think I can get it done to code.  I do have a friend I used to work with that just finished his licensing for HVAC, so I thought about asking him to give me advice or check my work.  And yes, I plan to pay him as well.  Better be safe than sorry.  If I have it in the budget, I just might have him do it all, but I will have to see when I get to that point.  Although I have to plan the layout for vents and cold-air returns as I build the walls, so it’s not that much more effort to run the ductwork…(who am I kidding??!!)

Next will be inspection time!  If we pass, we move on to the drywall.  A friend at work who lives nearby gave me the name of the company he used, they charged less than $2K, AND they did it all in one day!  That would be awesome, because 1) I could work from home, and 2) I wouldn’t have to do it myself and take months to do it, and 3) they did a great job! Oh, and he said they use some type of system where they erect barriers to keep the dust to a minimum, so that’s even better!  And honestly, I don’t want to attempt to do a knock-down finish on the ceiling – I tried to patch one once and it was messy!

I plan then to do the painting and trim work myself, lay a cork floor for the workout area and carpet DS2’s room - with a subfloor system under both to prevent moisture issues (just in case).  I am not sure what kind of flooring I will use in the rest of the basement…I have considered staining the concrete and using area rugs, but we will have to see what feels right when we get to that point.  And what I can afford!

I work really well under pressure…I know this from experience!  Give me a deadline and I will get it done.   We have decided TK and the kids will move in when school is out, which is the end of May for us.  I’m sure I could have a little more time than that, but honestly, I want them to be here, in my house, as a family.  Another bonus is that the furniture/TV/fridge I was budgeting to purchase for the basement will now be provided free of charge! TK also told me that he wanted to help me build walls (he has experience as a framer), but he has been so busy with work, and exhausted when he’s off, that I thanked him but told him I was okay for now.  I’ll ask his advice, and maybe when we move on to painting, he can help.

I know I can do this, but physically…well, I am 45 years old, and in great shape, but bending, squatting, cutting, hauling, lifting, climbing, moving, nailing…it all makes for some pretty tired muscles.  I am also in training for my second half-marathon in April, so that means more time for running and less time to work in the basement.  However, I have decided to count the work in the basement as my cross-training days; I’m certainly working out other muscles!  And as long as I get my other miles in, I think I’ll be fine.

I’m getting more excited as I can see the walls coming together.  I will be happy when it is finished, that’s for sure.  (I can already envision other projects around the house.  In true OCD fashion, I do have a list!)  Plus the value of my home will increase, which I am definitely looking forward to!  Although our area was hit by the decline in the housing industry, we have seen a robust return, both in the sale of existing homes and in the building of new ones in my neighborhood.  I never lost equity in my home, and the recent sale price of similar homes within a few blocks has made me feel even better about how much equity I have now.

DS2 will be happy to move to the basement, and have a place to hang out with his friends when they are over, without having the little kids annoying them.  He knows it won’t be completely his space as we will have a large sectional, surround sound, and a popcorn machine there for movie nights.  We’ll also have the workout area with treadmills, weights and Bowflex machine, and the game area with foosball and air hockey.  I’ll be happy to enjoy it as well, and to appreciate the end of the project.  I just hope it turns out as well as I see it in my mind.

His late wife, part 2.

I told you before about TK’s late wife and the pictures that were hanging in his house.  Now I’ll fill you in on how that played out.

It took several weeks to actually have a conversation with him about it.  I had wanted to do it face to face, but it seemed like the only time we had alone together was fleeting, and when we did, we were exhausted, or something else had come up…there just never seemed to be a good time.  So a little over a week ago, TK worked late – on Valentine’s Day, no less.  He was supposed to come over to spend the evening/night with me, but it didn’t happen and he was very upset about it.  I told him to just call me when he got off, no matter how late, and I fell asleep.

So he called at 1:30 in the morning on his way home.  We ended up talking for almost 1.5 hours.  We hadn’t seen each other in almost a week, and I just wanted to hear his voice and talk to him about things that you just can’t talk about in texts.  It was during this talk that I felt the need to bring up the pictures.  It had nothing to do with it being Valentine’s Day; it just felt comfortable and as though it was an appropriate moment to talk to him about it.

I started by asking if he missed S.  He was quiet for several moments, and I was beginning to get a bit nervous, but then he said no, that he didn’t miss her at all.  He felt bad that she was missing out on the kids’ lives, and their milestones, but that was all.  That was certainly a load off my mind – I figured as much, but I had to make sure, you know?  Plus, that’s one of the things I had found when I googled it, to start the conversation that way.

Then I reminded him of the night that I was in his house, and asked if he knew how uncomfortable I had been that night.  He said no, he didn’t notice.  I then explained why – that when I had walked into the living room and saw all the pictures of the two of them as a couple, it was a little overwhelming.  Then to see more in the dining room, and tons more in the hall and on the stairs, I just felt like an intruder in their marriage, like an outsider.  And to top it off, when he had took my arm and flipped the switch in the dining room to point out a large picture they’d had signed at their wedding, it was almost more than I could handle.  I told him that I could understand a few pictures of her for the kids’ sake, but these were all pictures of just them as a couple, and barely any pictures of the kids.

And then he was silent for what seemed like an eternity.  Finally, he said that those pictures had been there for so long that they were like pieces of furniture to him, that he didn’t even notice them anymore, BUT that he could see how they would make me uncomfortable and he felt bad about that.  I gently asked the next question, the hardest one: were there any pictures in his room?  His reply?  “Of the kids.”  Silly man.  I told him that he knew exactly what I meant, and he said only pictures of the kids, none of S.  Phew.  Since we have barely even taken a selfie of the two of us together, I don’t expect him to have pics of me in there, but still, I had to make sure what I was up against.

He told me that he is just a clueless guy, that eventually he would have figured it out.  And since then, he has even joked with me a few times about pictures on the walls.  It’s good to know that it means nothing to him and that he respects my feelings on the subject.

One thing that I find odd – that she put all of these pictures of the two of them up, but there were only one picture each of the kids.  I understand he’s a guy and never thought to hang more of the kids’ pictures up, keeping them in his room instead.  But the irony is that their marriage was falling apart even before it began.  It seems perhaps that she was trying to keep the “happier” times in focus by hanging their engagement and wedding photos up, almost like she was either trying to convince him or convince herself that they were happy once. 

I’m sure that once upon a time, they were.  He said the first time he met her, he was head over heels.  But when they met back up three years later, he said she was different, but the differences weren’t quite apparent until after their whirlwind marriage (three months later!).  I think she knew he had fallen for her before, and when her self-esteem needed a boost, she found him again.  She played him and got what she wanted, because he wasn’t aware of the changes she had gone through.  And then after the wedding that she insisted on having so quickly, the issues became apparent, but by then it was too late. 

After the kids came along, things went from bad to worse.  I think it’s likely that she just couldn’t deal with the kids, and kept the pictures of the two of them up as some sort of talisman.  I mean, what mother doesn’t put pics of her babies up on the walls, especially when they were so darned cute?  Nah, someone walking in that house and seeing it the way I did would come to the same conclusion.

I am certainly not trying to condemn a woman who has long passed.  That’s not my intent.  My only goal is to try to understand, because someday the kids are going to have more questions.  TK has been very open with the kids about their mother’s death, and they have all been through counseling.  Yet you can see the kids crave a mother; I see it in their behavior towards me, and in their resistance to discipline.  But I also cannot condone what she did to the kids, that her own actions left them without a mother.  If it were me? I’d either get help or get out, and I guess she got out in the only way she knew how, but in a very selfish way.

Everyone has stuff to deal with in their lives, and you never know what others are going through, or have gone through.  Each of us has our own baggage, and it’s how we handle or carry that baggage that makes us who we are.  I admit I used to carry a lot of it around and lament to my friends about my current state, not realizing that I didn’t have to complain so much.  I finally realized I was not as happy in that situation, and I changed. 

Yes, I changed.  I made up my mind that I would be happy, and I dealt with what I could and let the rest go.  I probably lost a couple of friends who either hadn’t wanted to listen to the crap, or they were ones who fed off the turmoil of others.  In any event, I am better off.  Indifference is a great attitude to have towards some people because that means thoughts of them don’t control you anymore.  I’m not saying that sometimes my exes don’t do something stupid that irritates me (we have kids together so we do still have contact), but I try to deal with it as quickly as I can and go back to living my life and being happy, and so far, it’s working.

At last I have found someone who challenges me, and yet accepts me for who I am.  He has baggage, obviously, but he has dealt with his much as I have done, though I still have to chuckle about the pictures.  We have agreed that the kids can have pictures of their mom in their rooms, but they won’t be on display in the rest of the house when they move in.  After all, it will be a new start for all of us.