I told you before about TK’s late wife and the pictures that were hanging in his house. Now I’ll fill you in on how that played out.
It took several weeks to actually have a conversation with him about it. I had wanted to do it face to face, but it seemed like the only time we had alone together was fleeting, and when we did, we were exhausted, or something else had come up…there just never seemed to be a good time. So a little over a week ago, TK worked late – on Valentine’s Day, no less. He was supposed to come over to spend the evening/night with me, but it didn’t happen and he was very upset about it. I told him to just call me when he got off, no matter how late, and I fell asleep.
So he called at 1:30 in the morning on his way home. We ended up talking for almost 1.5 hours. We hadn’t seen each other in almost a week, and I just wanted to hear his voice and talk to him about things that you just can’t talk about in texts. It was during this talk that I felt the need to bring up the pictures. It had nothing to do with it being Valentine’s Day; it just felt comfortable and as though it was an appropriate moment to talk to him about it.
I started by asking if he missed S. He was quiet for several moments, and I was beginning to get a bit nervous, but then he said no, that he didn’t miss her at all. He felt bad that she was missing out on the kids’ lives, and their milestones, but that was all. That was certainly a load off my mind – I figured as much, but I had to make sure, you know? Plus, that’s one of the things I had found when I googled it, to start the conversation that way.
Then I reminded him of the night that I was in his house, and asked if he knew how uncomfortable I had been that night. He said no, he didn’t notice. I then explained why – that when I had walked into the living room and saw all the pictures of the two of them as a couple, it was a little overwhelming. Then to see more in the dining room, and tons more in the hall and on the stairs, I just felt like an intruder in their marriage, like an outsider. And to top it off, when he had took my arm and flipped the switch in the dining room to point out a large picture they’d had signed at their wedding, it was almost more than I could handle. I told him that I could understand a few pictures of her for the kids’ sake, but these were all pictures of just them as a couple, and barely any pictures of the kids.
And then he was silent for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, he said that those pictures had been there for so long that they were like pieces of furniture to him, that he didn’t even notice them anymore, BUT that he could see how they would make me uncomfortable and he felt bad about that. I gently asked the next question, the hardest one: were there any pictures in his room? His reply? “Of the kids.” Silly man. I told him that he knew exactly what I meant, and he said only pictures of the kids, none of S. Phew. Since we have barely even taken a selfie of the two of us together, I don’t expect him to have pics of me in there, but still, I had to make sure what I was up against.
He told me that he is just a clueless guy, that eventually he would have figured it out. And since then, he has even joked with me a few times about pictures on the walls. It’s good to know that it means nothing to him and that he respects my feelings on the subject.
One thing that I find odd – that she put all of these pictures of the two of them up, but there were only one picture each of the kids. I understand he’s a guy and never thought to hang more of the kids’ pictures up, keeping them in his room instead. But the irony is that their marriage was falling apart even before it began. It seems perhaps that she was trying to keep the “happier” times in focus by hanging their engagement and wedding photos up, almost like she was either trying to convince him or convince herself that they were happy once.
I’m sure that once upon a time, they were. He said the first time he met her, he was head over heels. But when they met back up three years later, he said she was different, but the differences weren’t quite apparent until after their whirlwind marriage (three months later!). I think she knew he had fallen for her before, and when her self-esteem needed a boost, she found him again. She played him and got what she wanted, because he wasn’t aware of the changes she had gone through. And then after the wedding that she insisted on having so quickly, the issues became apparent, but by then it was too late.
After the kids came along, things went from bad to worse. I think it’s likely that she just couldn’t deal with the kids, and kept the pictures of the two of them up as some sort of talisman. I mean, what mother doesn’t put pics of her babies up on the walls, especially when they were so darned cute? Nah, someone walking in that house and seeing it the way I did would come to the same conclusion.
I am certainly not trying to condemn a woman who has long passed. That’s not my intent. My only goal is to try to understand, because someday the kids are going to have more questions. TK has been very open with the kids about their mother’s death, and they have all been through counseling. Yet you can see the kids crave a mother; I see it in their behavior towards me, and in their resistance to discipline. But I also cannot condone what she did to the kids, that her own actions left them without a mother. If it were me? I’d either get help or get out, and I guess she got out in the only way she knew how, but in a very selfish way.
Everyone has stuff to deal with in their lives, and you never know what others are going through, or have gone through. Each of us has our own baggage, and it’s how we handle or carry that baggage that makes us who we are. I admit I used to carry a lot of it around and lament to my friends about my current state, not realizing that I didn’t have to complain so much. I finally realized I was not as happy in that situation, and I changed.
Yes, I changed. I made up my mind that I would be happy, and I dealt with what I could and let the rest go. I probably lost a couple of friends who either hadn’t wanted to listen to the crap, or they were ones who fed off the turmoil of others. In any event, I am better off. Indifference is a great attitude to have towards some people because that means thoughts of them don’t control you anymore. I’m not saying that sometimes my exes don’t do something stupid that irritates me (we have kids together so we do still have contact), but I try to deal with it as quickly as I can and go back to living my life and being happy, and so far, it’s working.
At last I have found someone who challenges me, and yet accepts me for who I am. He has baggage, obviously, but he has dealt with his much as I have done, though I still have to chuckle about the pictures. We have agreed that the kids can have pictures of their mom in their rooms, but they won’t be on display in the rest of the house when they move in. After all, it will be a new start for all of us.
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