One can find good and bad in every experience, every opportunity – it’s what you choose to focus on that guides you most in life. If you always look at the negatives, well, you will probably be a pretty unhappy person. But if you choose to be positive, I bet you are pretty darned happy with your life, am I right?
I am not a single parent by choice. I attempted co-parenting with #1 until he chose to move half way across the country and not speak to his kids for months on end. And the boys did not understand this “abandonment” – a term they use because that’s how they felt, that was their perception of the situation, which of course is their reality. At the time, #2 stepped in and was a good surrogate dad…in the beginning. Things went downhill as the addictions took hold, and in essence, my boys lost another father figure.
I can only imagine the depths of their pain. Yes, I talk to my kids and they share an awful lot with me, but they laugh off so much and I know it’s because they would rather not talk about it. Whether that’s because it’s painful or they just don’t care, I am not entirely sure. But shortly after the college kid moved back to school for his junior year, he asked me to help him find someone to talk to. I didn’t ask a lot of questions, but on his own he had deduced he had some anger issues that stemmed from the abandonment of his father(s). I got him set up with someone at school, and he’s doing very well.
Because #1 lives so far away, he has visitation with the teen 2-3 times per year (the teen will turn 18 next December). Most often #1 cancels at the last minute, or schedules the flights outside of the visitation schedule to suit his plans, I assume – and at least once when he refused to change the flights to the correct days, I did not send the teen. I am sure this is not recommended, but the kid didn’t want to go and the ex was being a total dirt bag and refusing to change the dates, as though it was my fault he didn’t follow the schedule!
Did I mention he’s a bully and wants everything his way, regardless of anyone else’s wishes, or what’s spelled out in court documents that HE agreed to abide by??? I make plans around that visitation schedule, and often have to cancel them when #1 makes these changes or cancels his time with the teen. Of course, this is covered in the agreement as well - #1 is supposed to make alternate arrangements for care of the teen if he cannot exercise his visitation. I scoff at this because it has never happened! I AM the alternate arrangements! On one hand, I don’t mind – he is my son and I will do anything for my kids. But it is quite annoying to look forward to a mini-vacation myself, only to have my plans dashed because #1 is a selfish jerk. He’s the one that misses out on spending this time with his son, though. So I win. And the kid doesn’t want to go anyway, so he wins, too.
This year, there has been issues surrounding #1 not paying the college student’s college expenses, so when I threatened to take him to court, he immediately contacted his lawyer and filed papers against ME! I laughed at first - my son wouldn't even be in college if I hadn't been paying IN ADVANCE - and then had to hire a lawyer. What a waste. By the way, this is how it usually goes with him and paying expenses - he pays his attorney all this money to try to get him out of paying what he is clearly responsible for in the first place! He tries to bully his way through, like always. I am asking for attorney’s fees, and we will see what happens. Oh, and when the winter visitation flight schedule was questioned, he ignored me and ran to his lawyer to complain. SMH.
Nonetheless, the failure to pay expenses justifiably causes rancor with the oldest. I feel so bad for him. He doesn’t need the stress of not knowing if his dad is going to pay or not. It took #1 a year and a half to pay off the student loan the kid had to get his very first semester to even ensure he could attend college! So neither of us believe his promises at this point. Now, he has stated through his lawyer his intent to pay the spring semester tuition. We are asking the court to ensure that it is done in advance, instead of waiting months later and then trying to pay off the kid’s student loan instead. My son needs that loan to help pay his books and other living expenses so he doesn’t have to work a ton of hours to make his car payment. If his dad doesn’t pay, then it all goes to tuition, and my son is left struggling, or else I pick up the slack…again. He is almost 21, and it’s his choice to have a student loan. He felt he had to take it in the first place because a year ago his dad told him he wasn’t paying for college ever again, and didn’t want to speak to him. So my son has not spoken to him, and deleted his # from his cell phone. His dad has texted a few times, usually on a holiday, but that was it.
I realize that’s a lot of insight on just one topic, but it’s how things go with #1. When we first dealt with this issue just over two years ago, I finally had reached the end of my rope and blew up. My sons told me that it was about time…they had watched me take the high road for so long, and they knew what their dad was like and wondered why it took me so long to realize it. I told them I already knew, but I had done it for them. And they said it was not necessary, so I gave up the ghost. Now we speak freely about their father, and sadly, it is never really good.
#1 left me to raise my boys on my own, and if there is an issue, I of course get blamed for it, including how they treat him. He fails to understand where they are coming from, and why they feel the way they do – they do not trust or respect him at all. Even a mediator with the courts, a social worker with over 20 years of experience, told him it was solely up to him to repair his relationship with the boys, but he wouldn’t listen to her, either. If he won’t listen to the boys, and certainly not to me, then what is left?
Let me tell you about a recent experience: I ran my first half marathon this past October. The teen was working but texted me beforehand to wish me luck. The oldest was in town and brought the little guy down to see me finish and drive me home afterwards. I finished the race (which was my MAIN goal), under my goal time (yay!!), so I was ecstatic when I crossed that finish line. Seeing my kids waiting for me, telling me how proud they were – I was overcome with emotion. The next day, I was reviewing my results online and discovered that #1 and his wife had flown into town to run the race (which they had signed up for in May because it filled up quickly), and had finished just 10 minutes ahead of me! Not once did #1 contact his kids while he was in town. He also will never know that feeling of crossing the finish line with his son looking on – though by all accounts he did, without either of them ever knowing it. How lucky am I to get to have experienced that? It was one of the best days of my life.
We are on our own, and we are doing well in spite of it…or because of it. And some day, perhaps, he will wake up, but I doubt it. In the meantime, we live our lives and basically ignore him. My oldest quoted Will Smith: if you are absent during my struggles, don’t expect to be present during my success. I think that sums it up perfectly, though it makes my heart ache for my sons. However, I will be there for the graduations, weddings, etc., because I have been there for them through everything, every day. Their dad will not be invited if he doesn’t change.
My boys are literally my greatest accomplishment. I realize I am not perfect and that there is so much to teach them that I can’t possibly cover everything, but I am trying my best. And they understand this. I am humble, I make mistakes but I own them and they see that, I work hard and they see the work ethic and the older two are emulating that which makes me immensely proud. Sometimes I am hard on myself because I might forget a school event or not feel like I followed up on homework like I should have, but I work a lot of hours and it’s just me! The kids have chores, but with the teen working and carrying a lot of AP and Honors classes, I don’t make him do much to help. Little guy helps some, but I’m working on helping him focus (borderline ADHD) so I don’t add much more to his workload.
Yesterday I awoke feeling depressed, but not sure why. Later when I journaled, I realized there were several things that had caused this, and I wrote them down and analyzed how to take care of them. I filled TK in on why I was feeling the way I was, and he informed me that it made him think more of me than he already did. I asked why, and he said that it’s good to see Superman’s human side from time to time, that it makes me real. Hmmm, I certainly don’t claim to be perfect, but I guess that’s how he sees me – a single working mom who does it all and never asks for help. Dude, even Superman has Kryptonite. He knows I am not perfect and loves me even more because of it. Awwww. He's a keeper!
I learned a few years ago that I just don’t care what anyone thinks of me, and this especially includes #1, and his mother and wife, by the way. I.Just.Don’t.Care. And it has made my life so much nicer, easier, happier. All I want is to be happy, and for my kids to be happy, so I try to stay focused on the positives. The kids ground me. When things (like this court stuff) start dragging me down, I try to shrug it off and focus on them, and it helps. I am virtually a single parent to the little guy, too, because #2 is almost never around and has limited visitation as it is. Plus when he is involved, he screws up so much that I’d rather he not stick his nose in things and confuse the little guy!
So to all you single parents out there – you have my support and my blessings. This is the hardest job anyone has ever had. But it is also my greatest joy, even if I have to do it all on my own – it makes the reward that much sweeter.
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