I have to admit, I have only had one family member that I was close to pass away. I cannot fathom what it must be like for someone to lose a spouse, child or parent because I have not yet experienced that. Well, I guess I can imagine it somewhat, but I am sure what I would conjure up in my head would be nowhere near what it is truly like.
TK lost his wife almost six years ago. Their marriage was almost at an end, according to what he has told me, for reasons I will not disclose. It is my understanding that she was not the same person he fell in love with all those years ago, and even after she came back into his life and they married three months later, she was not the same person then that she had been the first time they met. I think it was one of those “hindsight” things, but it happened, they were married and had children together and then she died.
Because I have never dealt with something like this, I have sought out advice from traditional sources, including one close friend whose husband passed shortly after they divorced. Six years seems like an adequate amount of time, but I also understand that no one can put a timeline on grief, so please bear with me if it seems that I am jumping to conclusions. I am trying not to, just relating my experiences and what I have observed.
TK was in another relationship before me, so that did make me feel a little less anxious when we first started dating…I didn’t want to be the first person he dated after his wife died. My marriage to #2 was as co-dependent as they come, and I have actively tried to avoid any relationship in which he might need “fixing”. In any event, I did not get that in any context from TK, and so I was able to let my guard down a bit.
I really fought falling for him at first, not because of him but because of me. I didn’t want to get hurt again. But sometimes in order to feel you have to open your heart and take that risk. I once read something that said falling in love is like giving the other person a knife and a map to your heart describing where to cut to do the most damage. It IS like that. You have to open yourself up completely, but that puts you at your most vulnerable.
What I had to remember was that he was open to that vulnerability as well. Maybe moreso than I was, considering what he had gone through. Yes, I had been through a painful divorce, but I cannot even begin to make a comparison with the death of a spouse. Even though he told me how bad things had been between them, he loved her at some point, and that meant something. And their love lives on in their children, so it deserves some respect. And probably what makes him even more vulnerable to love again.
The interesting thing was that he fell first. He told me probably on that first day, but for sure about six weeks in. He finally told me after two months – I knew how he felt before then, but by this point, I was in love with him, too. He asked me to meet her parents, and I met them that night. They were nice people – I had seen them before at baseball games. I understood that was a big step for him, and that he’d never introduced anyone to them before. Matter of fact, it was huge.
I want nothing more than to spend my life with him by my side, and I know he feels the same way. However, there is another person in this relationship, but she’s a ghost. And this week I need to find out how much she still means to him.
See, I went to his house last week. It was the first time I was actually IN his house. I had brought it up before, offered to come over, but he always had a reason to deny me. I finally brought it up with him a few weeks ago, and he told me he had not been comfortable having a woman in his house since his wife had died. But that now he was comfortable enough with me that he would be okay with having me over, and he issued a standing invitation for me to visit anytime I wished.
Hmmm. Okay, so I went with him to a family gathering, and after, we came back to his house. And I went inside. I had no qualms about this at all – I was slightly concerned that he was embarrassed about the state of his house because I am just a little OCD and keep a very tidy home. But it was about what I expected, so I wasn’t surprised.
No, what surprised me was what happened when I walked in the living room with is daughter and sat down. I looked up and right in front of me was a very large picture of TK and his wife, hanging on the wall. The television was offset to the corner, so it was not hard to miss this picture. And when I say large, I mean almost poster-sized. It was quite intimidating. I had expected to see pics of his late wife, but I hadn’t bargained for their engagement photo to be so prominently displayed. It was all I could do to avoid looking at it.
So I turned myself to face his daughter and there was another picture on that wall. And a wedding photo on the table next to me. I knew I had to get myself under control, and I was able to calm myself by not looking at the pictures and concentrating on his daughter. But once she left the room, I had to get out of there. I stood up, facing the dining room, and I’ll be damned if there wasn’t another large engagement photo of them in there! I quickly exited the living room in the other direction, only to be confronted by even more pictures (almost 10) hanging in the hallway on the way to the kitchen. OMG.
Please don’t judge me here. I completely understand having pictures of their mom for the kids’ sake - I get that. But all the pictures of them together as a couple, it was just too much for me. I retreated to the kitchen and stayed there the rest of the time I was in his home. The kicker was when TK started pointing out the things “the wife” had done around the house –tiling this or painting that – as though I was merely a family friend who was visiting. And then he took me by the arm and led me to the dining room, turning on the light and telling me how they had had their engagement photo at the wedding and had people sign it, then framed it and hung it on the wall.
I felt like an intruder in their marriage, and I seriously began to wonder if he was over her, or if he was just that blasé about it. I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt because I am certain that she hung the pictures and he’s probably just so used to them being there 10+ years later that it has never occurred to him to take at least some of them down, or move them. To top it off, I saw only one picture each of his children hanging in the dining room. It truly was like a shrine but not just to her, to them as a couple. I mean, where were the family pics? Did they not take any together in the 4-5 years they had children before she died?
And it made me wonder what his room was like. I didn’t get that far. He said it had been an emotional day, and though he really wanted me to stay, we both knew I had to go so we could both get some sleep. And what I didn’t tell him was I was scared to death to go in his room, because I was almost certain what I would find there. Dear Lord, if I do ever make it to his room, and there are pictures of her there, I swear I will let him know immediately that I cannot stay and exactly why.
I know better than to ask him to take the pictures down, but I also have no qualms about telling him how I feel. Unfortunately, we have not had any time alone to talk in the last week, a point that is starting to aggravate me. I hope tonight we will have the chance, but if not, at least by this weekend. It is something I have to discuss with him. I need to know that he is ready to move on, that he is past what they had and come to terms with it and can have a relationship with me in every sense of the word.
I don’t doubt how he feels about me. Not at all. Matter of fact, I know exactly how he feels and how much. And I also know that you can love two people at the same time, though not like he loves me. But I need to know he is not replacing her with me, you know? He’s told me stories about their marriage and how it was over at the end, and has told me he made peace with possibly losing his house a few years ago and says he has no ties to it. And yet he was so emotional about me being in his house.
Maybe I am reading too much into this, but the pictures… That could hint that this is more than I thought, or it could just be that he was a guy and clueless about what it might mean to me to see them. But the only way I will find out for sure is to ask him, and I have to be prepared for what I hear, no matter what it is.
Showing posts with label dating after 40. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating after 40. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Friday, December 6, 2013
The joys and struggles of single parenting
One can find good and bad in every experience, every opportunity – it’s what you choose to focus on that guides you most in life. If you always look at the negatives, well, you will probably be a pretty unhappy person. But if you choose to be positive, I bet you are pretty darned happy with your life, am I right?
I am not a single parent by choice. I attempted co-parenting with #1 until he chose to move half way across the country and not speak to his kids for months on end. And the boys did not understand this “abandonment” – a term they use because that’s how they felt, that was their perception of the situation, which of course is their reality. At the time, #2 stepped in and was a good surrogate dad…in the beginning. Things went downhill as the addictions took hold, and in essence, my boys lost another father figure.
I can only imagine the depths of their pain. Yes, I talk to my kids and they share an awful lot with me, but they laugh off so much and I know it’s because they would rather not talk about it. Whether that’s because it’s painful or they just don’t care, I am not entirely sure. But shortly after the college kid moved back to school for his junior year, he asked me to help him find someone to talk to. I didn’t ask a lot of questions, but on his own he had deduced he had some anger issues that stemmed from the abandonment of his father(s). I got him set up with someone at school, and he’s doing very well.
Because #1 lives so far away, he has visitation with the teen 2-3 times per year (the teen will turn 18 next December). Most often #1 cancels at the last minute, or schedules the flights outside of the visitation schedule to suit his plans, I assume – and at least once when he refused to change the flights to the correct days, I did not send the teen. I am sure this is not recommended, but the kid didn’t want to go and the ex was being a total dirt bag and refusing to change the dates, as though it was my fault he didn’t follow the schedule!
Did I mention he’s a bully and wants everything his way, regardless of anyone else’s wishes, or what’s spelled out in court documents that HE agreed to abide by??? I make plans around that visitation schedule, and often have to cancel them when #1 makes these changes or cancels his time with the teen. Of course, this is covered in the agreement as well - #1 is supposed to make alternate arrangements for care of the teen if he cannot exercise his visitation. I scoff at this because it has never happened! I AM the alternate arrangements! On one hand, I don’t mind – he is my son and I will do anything for my kids. But it is quite annoying to look forward to a mini-vacation myself, only to have my plans dashed because #1 is a selfish jerk. He’s the one that misses out on spending this time with his son, though. So I win. And the kid doesn’t want to go anyway, so he wins, too.
This year, there has been issues surrounding #1 not paying the college student’s college expenses, so when I threatened to take him to court, he immediately contacted his lawyer and filed papers against ME! I laughed at first - my son wouldn't even be in college if I hadn't been paying IN ADVANCE - and then had to hire a lawyer. What a waste. By the way, this is how it usually goes with him and paying expenses - he pays his attorney all this money to try to get him out of paying what he is clearly responsible for in the first place! He tries to bully his way through, like always. I am asking for attorney’s fees, and we will see what happens. Oh, and when the winter visitation flight schedule was questioned, he ignored me and ran to his lawyer to complain. SMH.
Nonetheless, the failure to pay expenses justifiably causes rancor with the oldest. I feel so bad for him. He doesn’t need the stress of not knowing if his dad is going to pay or not. It took #1 a year and a half to pay off the student loan the kid had to get his very first semester to even ensure he could attend college! So neither of us believe his promises at this point. Now, he has stated through his lawyer his intent to pay the spring semester tuition. We are asking the court to ensure that it is done in advance, instead of waiting months later and then trying to pay off the kid’s student loan instead. My son needs that loan to help pay his books and other living expenses so he doesn’t have to work a ton of hours to make his car payment. If his dad doesn’t pay, then it all goes to tuition, and my son is left struggling, or else I pick up the slack…again. He is almost 21, and it’s his choice to have a student loan. He felt he had to take it in the first place because a year ago his dad told him he wasn’t paying for college ever again, and didn’t want to speak to him. So my son has not spoken to him, and deleted his # from his cell phone. His dad has texted a few times, usually on a holiday, but that was it.
I realize that’s a lot of insight on just one topic, but it’s how things go with #1. When we first dealt with this issue just over two years ago, I finally had reached the end of my rope and blew up. My sons told me that it was about time…they had watched me take the high road for so long, and they knew what their dad was like and wondered why it took me so long to realize it. I told them I already knew, but I had done it for them. And they said it was not necessary, so I gave up the ghost. Now we speak freely about their father, and sadly, it is never really good.
#1 left me to raise my boys on my own, and if there is an issue, I of course get blamed for it, including how they treat him. He fails to understand where they are coming from, and why they feel the way they do – they do not trust or respect him at all. Even a mediator with the courts, a social worker with over 20 years of experience, told him it was solely up to him to repair his relationship with the boys, but he wouldn’t listen to her, either. If he won’t listen to the boys, and certainly not to me, then what is left?
Let me tell you about a recent experience: I ran my first half marathon this past October. The teen was working but texted me beforehand to wish me luck. The oldest was in town and brought the little guy down to see me finish and drive me home afterwards. I finished the race (which was my MAIN goal), under my goal time (yay!!), so I was ecstatic when I crossed that finish line. Seeing my kids waiting for me, telling me how proud they were – I was overcome with emotion. The next day, I was reviewing my results online and discovered that #1 and his wife had flown into town to run the race (which they had signed up for in May because it filled up quickly), and had finished just 10 minutes ahead of me! Not once did #1 contact his kids while he was in town. He also will never know that feeling of crossing the finish line with his son looking on – though by all accounts he did, without either of them ever knowing it. How lucky am I to get to have experienced that? It was one of the best days of my life.
We are on our own, and we are doing well in spite of it…or because of it. And some day, perhaps, he will wake up, but I doubt it. In the meantime, we live our lives and basically ignore him. My oldest quoted Will Smith: if you are absent during my struggles, don’t expect to be present during my success. I think that sums it up perfectly, though it makes my heart ache for my sons. However, I will be there for the graduations, weddings, etc., because I have been there for them through everything, every day. Their dad will not be invited if he doesn’t change.
My boys are literally my greatest accomplishment. I realize I am not perfect and that there is so much to teach them that I can’t possibly cover everything, but I am trying my best. And they understand this. I am humble, I make mistakes but I own them and they see that, I work hard and they see the work ethic and the older two are emulating that which makes me immensely proud. Sometimes I am hard on myself because I might forget a school event or not feel like I followed up on homework like I should have, but I work a lot of hours and it’s just me! The kids have chores, but with the teen working and carrying a lot of AP and Honors classes, I don’t make him do much to help. Little guy helps some, but I’m working on helping him focus (borderline ADHD) so I don’t add much more to his workload.
Yesterday I awoke feeling depressed, but not sure why. Later when I journaled, I realized there were several things that had caused this, and I wrote them down and analyzed how to take care of them. I filled TK in on why I was feeling the way I was, and he informed me that it made him think more of me than he already did. I asked why, and he said that it’s good to see Superman’s human side from time to time, that it makes me real. Hmmm, I certainly don’t claim to be perfect, but I guess that’s how he sees me – a single working mom who does it all and never asks for help. Dude, even Superman has Kryptonite. He knows I am not perfect and loves me even more because of it. Awwww. He's a keeper!
I learned a few years ago that I just don’t care what anyone thinks of me, and this especially includes #1, and his mother and wife, by the way. I.Just.Don’t.Care. And it has made my life so much nicer, easier, happier. All I want is to be happy, and for my kids to be happy, so I try to stay focused on the positives. The kids ground me. When things (like this court stuff) start dragging me down, I try to shrug it off and focus on them, and it helps. I am virtually a single parent to the little guy, too, because #2 is almost never around and has limited visitation as it is. Plus when he is involved, he screws up so much that I’d rather he not stick his nose in things and confuse the little guy!
So to all you single parents out there – you have my support and my blessings. This is the hardest job anyone has ever had. But it is also my greatest joy, even if I have to do it all on my own – it makes the reward that much sweeter.
I am not a single parent by choice. I attempted co-parenting with #1 until he chose to move half way across the country and not speak to his kids for months on end. And the boys did not understand this “abandonment” – a term they use because that’s how they felt, that was their perception of the situation, which of course is their reality. At the time, #2 stepped in and was a good surrogate dad…in the beginning. Things went downhill as the addictions took hold, and in essence, my boys lost another father figure.
I can only imagine the depths of their pain. Yes, I talk to my kids and they share an awful lot with me, but they laugh off so much and I know it’s because they would rather not talk about it. Whether that’s because it’s painful or they just don’t care, I am not entirely sure. But shortly after the college kid moved back to school for his junior year, he asked me to help him find someone to talk to. I didn’t ask a lot of questions, but on his own he had deduced he had some anger issues that stemmed from the abandonment of his father(s). I got him set up with someone at school, and he’s doing very well.
Because #1 lives so far away, he has visitation with the teen 2-3 times per year (the teen will turn 18 next December). Most often #1 cancels at the last minute, or schedules the flights outside of the visitation schedule to suit his plans, I assume – and at least once when he refused to change the flights to the correct days, I did not send the teen. I am sure this is not recommended, but the kid didn’t want to go and the ex was being a total dirt bag and refusing to change the dates, as though it was my fault he didn’t follow the schedule!
Did I mention he’s a bully and wants everything his way, regardless of anyone else’s wishes, or what’s spelled out in court documents that HE agreed to abide by??? I make plans around that visitation schedule, and often have to cancel them when #1 makes these changes or cancels his time with the teen. Of course, this is covered in the agreement as well - #1 is supposed to make alternate arrangements for care of the teen if he cannot exercise his visitation. I scoff at this because it has never happened! I AM the alternate arrangements! On one hand, I don’t mind – he is my son and I will do anything for my kids. But it is quite annoying to look forward to a mini-vacation myself, only to have my plans dashed because #1 is a selfish jerk. He’s the one that misses out on spending this time with his son, though. So I win. And the kid doesn’t want to go anyway, so he wins, too.
This year, there has been issues surrounding #1 not paying the college student’s college expenses, so when I threatened to take him to court, he immediately contacted his lawyer and filed papers against ME! I laughed at first - my son wouldn't even be in college if I hadn't been paying IN ADVANCE - and then had to hire a lawyer. What a waste. By the way, this is how it usually goes with him and paying expenses - he pays his attorney all this money to try to get him out of paying what he is clearly responsible for in the first place! He tries to bully his way through, like always. I am asking for attorney’s fees, and we will see what happens. Oh, and when the winter visitation flight schedule was questioned, he ignored me and ran to his lawyer to complain. SMH.
Nonetheless, the failure to pay expenses justifiably causes rancor with the oldest. I feel so bad for him. He doesn’t need the stress of not knowing if his dad is going to pay or not. It took #1 a year and a half to pay off the student loan the kid had to get his very first semester to even ensure he could attend college! So neither of us believe his promises at this point. Now, he has stated through his lawyer his intent to pay the spring semester tuition. We are asking the court to ensure that it is done in advance, instead of waiting months later and then trying to pay off the kid’s student loan instead. My son needs that loan to help pay his books and other living expenses so he doesn’t have to work a ton of hours to make his car payment. If his dad doesn’t pay, then it all goes to tuition, and my son is left struggling, or else I pick up the slack…again. He is almost 21, and it’s his choice to have a student loan. He felt he had to take it in the first place because a year ago his dad told him he wasn’t paying for college ever again, and didn’t want to speak to him. So my son has not spoken to him, and deleted his # from his cell phone. His dad has texted a few times, usually on a holiday, but that was it.
I realize that’s a lot of insight on just one topic, but it’s how things go with #1. When we first dealt with this issue just over two years ago, I finally had reached the end of my rope and blew up. My sons told me that it was about time…they had watched me take the high road for so long, and they knew what their dad was like and wondered why it took me so long to realize it. I told them I already knew, but I had done it for them. And they said it was not necessary, so I gave up the ghost. Now we speak freely about their father, and sadly, it is never really good.
#1 left me to raise my boys on my own, and if there is an issue, I of course get blamed for it, including how they treat him. He fails to understand where they are coming from, and why they feel the way they do – they do not trust or respect him at all. Even a mediator with the courts, a social worker with over 20 years of experience, told him it was solely up to him to repair his relationship with the boys, but he wouldn’t listen to her, either. If he won’t listen to the boys, and certainly not to me, then what is left?
Let me tell you about a recent experience: I ran my first half marathon this past October. The teen was working but texted me beforehand to wish me luck. The oldest was in town and brought the little guy down to see me finish and drive me home afterwards. I finished the race (which was my MAIN goal), under my goal time (yay!!), so I was ecstatic when I crossed that finish line. Seeing my kids waiting for me, telling me how proud they were – I was overcome with emotion. The next day, I was reviewing my results online and discovered that #1 and his wife had flown into town to run the race (which they had signed up for in May because it filled up quickly), and had finished just 10 minutes ahead of me! Not once did #1 contact his kids while he was in town. He also will never know that feeling of crossing the finish line with his son looking on – though by all accounts he did, without either of them ever knowing it. How lucky am I to get to have experienced that? It was one of the best days of my life.
We are on our own, and we are doing well in spite of it…or because of it. And some day, perhaps, he will wake up, but I doubt it. In the meantime, we live our lives and basically ignore him. My oldest quoted Will Smith: if you are absent during my struggles, don’t expect to be present during my success. I think that sums it up perfectly, though it makes my heart ache for my sons. However, I will be there for the graduations, weddings, etc., because I have been there for them through everything, every day. Their dad will not be invited if he doesn’t change.
My boys are literally my greatest accomplishment. I realize I am not perfect and that there is so much to teach them that I can’t possibly cover everything, but I am trying my best. And they understand this. I am humble, I make mistakes but I own them and they see that, I work hard and they see the work ethic and the older two are emulating that which makes me immensely proud. Sometimes I am hard on myself because I might forget a school event or not feel like I followed up on homework like I should have, but I work a lot of hours and it’s just me! The kids have chores, but with the teen working and carrying a lot of AP and Honors classes, I don’t make him do much to help. Little guy helps some, but I’m working on helping him focus (borderline ADHD) so I don’t add much more to his workload.
Yesterday I awoke feeling depressed, but not sure why. Later when I journaled, I realized there were several things that had caused this, and I wrote them down and analyzed how to take care of them. I filled TK in on why I was feeling the way I was, and he informed me that it made him think more of me than he already did. I asked why, and he said that it’s good to see Superman’s human side from time to time, that it makes me real. Hmmm, I certainly don’t claim to be perfect, but I guess that’s how he sees me – a single working mom who does it all and never asks for help. Dude, even Superman has Kryptonite. He knows I am not perfect and loves me even more because of it. Awwww. He's a keeper!
I learned a few years ago that I just don’t care what anyone thinks of me, and this especially includes #1, and his mother and wife, by the way. I.Just.Don’t.Care. And it has made my life so much nicer, easier, happier. All I want is to be happy, and for my kids to be happy, so I try to stay focused on the positives. The kids ground me. When things (like this court stuff) start dragging me down, I try to shrug it off and focus on them, and it helps. I am virtually a single parent to the little guy, too, because #2 is almost never around and has limited visitation as it is. Plus when he is involved, he screws up so much that I’d rather he not stick his nose in things and confuse the little guy!
So to all you single parents out there – you have my support and my blessings. This is the hardest job anyone has ever had. But it is also my greatest joy, even if I have to do it all on my own – it makes the reward that much sweeter.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Speaking our language
Are you familiar with the Five Love Languages? It’s a book that outlines how we each speak a certain “love language”, that we respond best to that language we are attuned to the most. Some of us may have more than one language, some may only have one. In any event, to prevent discord and have the most harmonious relationship, Dr. Chapman suggests that you learn your partner’s love language, what makes them tick, what they respond best to.
Let me give you an example. I personally have several, but I respond best to Touch and Words of Affirmation. Quality Time is a very close third. I could care less about Gifts or Deeds or Services. I have been this way for a long time, and knew this before I ever met #2. But #2 had some narcissistic need to give me things – all the time! At Christmas, I almost always had more gifts than my kids – combined! It was crazy! I would tell him to stop, to not buy me so much, but he just couldn’t. Perhaps that was his love language or else it was his perverse need to show off that we could afford such things. I always gave him things he wanted and he loved everything I did give him, but I didn’t go to excess. And he bought me flowers several times a week, which at first was very sweet. Until he made it seem like it was a chore, that he had to get me flowers and then he’d bring them home and throw them on the counter and say “Look what I got you, aren’t you going to put them in water before they die?” Not exactly a loving gesture now, was it?
I also did a lot for #2, because I realized in the beginning he tried to do that for me. I honestly didn’t appreciate it because I was independent, but I think it was one of his languages, so I tried to “speak” it for him. I never got upset when he did things, but I did have to tell him to stop several times, to no avail. Now, this isn’t why our marriage didn’t work out. You’d have to read the “A little background on the insecurity issue” (http://anewbeginning68.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-little-background-on-insecurity-issue.html) for that story.
I have become even more in tune with what I want, and try to be more aware of what language my partner speaks. I have already started talking to TK about his love language(s), and his are remarkably similar to mine, which helps explain why we are able to express ourselves so easily to each other. I have told him to only give me flowers on special occasions if at all, though I consented to him bringing me a single rose on occasion if that’s what he wants to do, and he’s okay with that.
Last week, the topic of Christmas came up and I told him I didn’t want him to buy me anything for Christmas. His response? “Okay, but you can’t buy me anything, either.” Deal. But his next words swept me off my feet all over again because it was exactly what I was thinking - “Know what I want? To spend an entire day with you, just the two of us, and the night, too.” You see, quality time ranks pretty high for him, as well. Touch is high on his list, so I can’t honestly say which is his primary language, if there is one. I haven’t asked, though apparently I am doing something right. But it’s a topic I intend to bring up soon.
We don’t get to see each other much if you haven’t figured that out, and “alone time” is even more fleeting for us. He has been working 80-90 hours a week, and he has two little people that call him dad that don’t have a mom, so they get first dibs on him. I understand and respect that, but it is so hard sometimes! We are gradually carving out time for just the two of us, and spending more time together with the kids - maybe once a week or every other week, we do things with the three younger ones. (The teen is usually working, doing homework or hanging out with his friends, but I do get one-on-one time with him each week.) Even when we do the family things, the two of us still touch, whisper, talk, laugh, kiss, hold hands...it’s just that at the end of the day, he and the kids go to their house and us to ours.
It’s not like we want to pretend we’re single and childless. No, nothing like that. But when you only see each other twice a week – maybe – and even then it’s after his kids are in bed and he can get away to my house…you can understand what it might be like. Even when I was married, I insisted on date night every two weeks so that we had “couple time”. I still want that. TK’s schedule lately is pretty hairy and we might be lucky to get half a day to spend together, but we will try.
I have vacation coming up in exactly 18 days…I cannot wait! I will have 9.5 days off, and I will have three entire days with no children in my home! Well, except now that the college student told me he will be home for two of them…. Okay, I can deal. I’m down to one day with no kids! And TK is taking a week off, so as long as that one day is covered, I am happy! Even so, any of the other two days work for me, too, since the college student’s girlfriend will also be in town at her dad’s and they will be together most of the time. I will just be the one he comes to when he’s hungry or needs gas money. Figures. :-/
Can you tell I am looking forward to my first real vacation in over a year??? Need me some Quality Time!!
Let me give you an example. I personally have several, but I respond best to Touch and Words of Affirmation. Quality Time is a very close third. I could care less about Gifts or Deeds or Services. I have been this way for a long time, and knew this before I ever met #2. But #2 had some narcissistic need to give me things – all the time! At Christmas, I almost always had more gifts than my kids – combined! It was crazy! I would tell him to stop, to not buy me so much, but he just couldn’t. Perhaps that was his love language or else it was his perverse need to show off that we could afford such things. I always gave him things he wanted and he loved everything I did give him, but I didn’t go to excess. And he bought me flowers several times a week, which at first was very sweet. Until he made it seem like it was a chore, that he had to get me flowers and then he’d bring them home and throw them on the counter and say “Look what I got you, aren’t you going to put them in water before they die?” Not exactly a loving gesture now, was it?
I also did a lot for #2, because I realized in the beginning he tried to do that for me. I honestly didn’t appreciate it because I was independent, but I think it was one of his languages, so I tried to “speak” it for him. I never got upset when he did things, but I did have to tell him to stop several times, to no avail. Now, this isn’t why our marriage didn’t work out. You’d have to read the “A little background on the insecurity issue” (http://anewbeginning68.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-little-background-on-insecurity-issue.html) for that story.
I have become even more in tune with what I want, and try to be more aware of what language my partner speaks. I have already started talking to TK about his love language(s), and his are remarkably similar to mine, which helps explain why we are able to express ourselves so easily to each other. I have told him to only give me flowers on special occasions if at all, though I consented to him bringing me a single rose on occasion if that’s what he wants to do, and he’s okay with that.
Last week, the topic of Christmas came up and I told him I didn’t want him to buy me anything for Christmas. His response? “Okay, but you can’t buy me anything, either.” Deal. But his next words swept me off my feet all over again because it was exactly what I was thinking - “Know what I want? To spend an entire day with you, just the two of us, and the night, too.” You see, quality time ranks pretty high for him, as well. Touch is high on his list, so I can’t honestly say which is his primary language, if there is one. I haven’t asked, though apparently I am doing something right. But it’s a topic I intend to bring up soon.
We don’t get to see each other much if you haven’t figured that out, and “alone time” is even more fleeting for us. He has been working 80-90 hours a week, and he has two little people that call him dad that don’t have a mom, so they get first dibs on him. I understand and respect that, but it is so hard sometimes! We are gradually carving out time for just the two of us, and spending more time together with the kids - maybe once a week or every other week, we do things with the three younger ones. (The teen is usually working, doing homework or hanging out with his friends, but I do get one-on-one time with him each week.) Even when we do the family things, the two of us still touch, whisper, talk, laugh, kiss, hold hands...it’s just that at the end of the day, he and the kids go to their house and us to ours.
It’s not like we want to pretend we’re single and childless. No, nothing like that. But when you only see each other twice a week – maybe – and even then it’s after his kids are in bed and he can get away to my house…you can understand what it might be like. Even when I was married, I insisted on date night every two weeks so that we had “couple time”. I still want that. TK’s schedule lately is pretty hairy and we might be lucky to get half a day to spend together, but we will try.
I have vacation coming up in exactly 18 days…I cannot wait! I will have 9.5 days off, and I will have three entire days with no children in my home! Well, except now that the college student told me he will be home for two of them…. Okay, I can deal. I’m down to one day with no kids! And TK is taking a week off, so as long as that one day is covered, I am happy! Even so, any of the other two days work for me, too, since the college student’s girlfriend will also be in town at her dad’s and they will be together most of the time. I will just be the one he comes to when he’s hungry or needs gas money. Figures. :-/
Can you tell I am looking forward to my first real vacation in over a year??? Need me some Quality Time!!
Sunday, November 17, 2013
To live together, or not...???
Having been married twice already, I am a little gun-shy about the prospect of ever doing it again. I am not adverse to living together, but I am not sure I can do the marriage vows a third time. And this has nothing to do with TK, and everything to do with me. I will never say never, and I have told him this, but it’s not on my horizon at this time. TK told me early on that he thinks he would want to get married again, but that it took him a long time to even consider that. (His wife passed away five years ago, and their marriage was not solid at the time.)
We have only been dating for four months, so in my opinion, it’s still a ways off. Having said that, this relationship moved quickly, and we felt strongly about each other from the beginning. Not just in a physical sense, but with the emotional bond we developed. We both felt it – it’s like we knew what we wanted and what we didn’t want, and when the right person was put in front of us, it just hit us. Maybe it’s our age, or what we’ve been through in life, I don’t know. But I could easily see myself spending the rest of my life with him.
We’ve both tip-toed around the subject of what we eventually want, though we do agree a long-term relationship with each other, for sure. That’s a start. We have been exclusive from the beginning, and I trust him. He’s mentioned that he would love to come home to me at the end of the day – though I think he was afraid to say that much because I might get scared. But I didn’t. I found it very sweet and told him so. A month or so later, I mentioned to him that I would like to wake up next to him every day. Once he realized what I meant, though, he got a little freaked out. He said it wasn’t anything to do with me, but trust issues on his part. We have yet to talk about that because I don’t want to scare him. But we’ve got time….neither of us is going anywhere.
Part of our apprehension probably stems from our past relationships. Most of mine is because of my independence - I don’t want to give that up – and I have worked through all the other issues. I love my freedom - to do what I want, to paint the house any color I want, to not have to ask someone else for their opinion if I want to buy something… But I guess that is outweighed by what I would gain by having him in my life, by my side, every single day.
Selfishly, I do enjoy the weekends that the little guy is with his dad. I miss him, sure, but with the teen working or out with his friends, I have those weekends almost entirely to myself. I love it; I can do whatever I want! Have lunch with friends, volunteer, do yard work, build some walls in my basement, read by the pool. I also know that at some point my need for that much time to myself will lessen, probably as my desire to be with TK grows. And it is definitely growing.
I have to say that I have considered what it would be like to have him and his kids move in with me. I have a great house with plenty of room, and it would make the most sense. He loves my house and so do his kids, plus it is much more energy-efficient than his, and there are other pluses, too. What would happen to his house, I don’t know…he could sell it or allow his sister and dad to continue to live there and pay him rent. Those are details that would get worked out when/if it comes to fruition. Just some thoughts I have had. I have to remember to be open to his suggestions as well, when the time comes…part of that Type A control thing I am trying to rein in.
If they do move in, however, it will mean a big change. No more free time for me, not to the same extent as I have had in the past, and I have to be at the point where I am okay with that. I will be a mother “figure” to two more children, one a girl – I have never had a daughter. More food to prepare at meal times, more laundry to do, my laundry to oversee, more fights to intervene in…
But it means a big change for TK as well. He’s used to his independence, too, raising his kids on his own, though he has had tremendous help from his dad and former in-laws, as well as his sister. Living with me would mean an end of sorts for that help, because I would plan on helping get the kids to their practices and games, just as I do now.
And an adjustment for all of the kids – including the college kid. He is the only one I have even broached the subject with, and surprisingly, he was not opposed. I think he sees how happy I am and just wants me to be happy. He even offered to help them move, if the time comes, as long as I am certain and they aren’t moving out a year later. Yeah, me, too.
It’ll be a matter of weighing the pros and cons and talking it through, though. I would plan, insist on, keeping our finances separate. I don’t think he’d have a problem with that – I would just ask that he pay a set amount of “rent” each month to help with the bills, and I hope it would be less than what he pays now. Without his dad asking for money all the time, and with hopefully a lesser outlay of money for bills, he should benefit financially as well. The kids get a nice house in a great neighborhood, another dog, and other playmates.
I understand that some people would have an issue with a single mom considering moving in with her boyfriend without the benefit of marriage. It’s not like I am asking him to support me. Nope, as a matter of fact, I make more than he does, and he doesn’t appear to be intimidated by this. If it comes down to TK or the kids needing health insurance or something catastrophic (God forbid), then of course, I would consider marriage, but then again, I might consider it sooner. Who knows?
I can’t predict what will happen. All I can say is that these thoughts have gone through my head and haven’t even been spoken aloud. I’m just trying them on for size. And I know that as long as I am waffling, that I am not quite ready to discuss it with him. I think this is what I want, but I still have to work through everything in my head and feel that I am at least closer to 100% ready before I broach the subject with TK. Who knows? He may have it in his head that we won’t live together until all of the kids are out of the house. Ah, the art of compromise…
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Dating a younger man
When I first spotted TK at our sons' baseball game, I honestly thought he was my age. He looked like he was at least forty, had more grey hair than even salt-and-pepper, and was thinning out on top just a tiny bit. To me, he looked distinguished, and quite handsome. (I think distinguished is a word we women use to refer to a gentleman who perhaps may look a bit older, certainly not younger, but still quite easy on the eyes.) I admit I was intrigued. And when I caught him looking my way, those beautiful light blue eyes captivated me. I had to know more about him.
My dad was a cop my entire life, and only just recently retired completely from law enforcement. He instilled in me a guarded optimism - it's not that I am not trusting, but I do hedge my bets when I feel it is necessary. And after some of the men I have met in my life, I am conditioned to be quite careful in that regards. So yes, I Google people. I have discovered quite a bit when doing so, and have outed several men in lies they were perpetuating (the worst one being that a particular male had a restraining order against him for stalking a woman three months before we began talking, something that did not actually surprise me from the way he had been acting... and I ended it right then.)
I did Google TK, but really didn't learn much. I had heard from his son that his wife had passed away, and I did find her obituary online. It gave her age at the time, five years previously, so I assumed that TK was about her age, making him about five years younger than me. Okay, I could deal with that. I have been told quite often that I look younger than I actually am - people used to tell my mom that, too, so it must be in my genes. If I look younger, and he looks older...
A few weeks later, I was bored so I Googled him again, and finally found an age for him. Hmmm, it appeared he might actually be seven years younger than me, not five like I had thought. Which would also mean that his wife was older than him, giving the impression that he liked older women? Still, I didn't have a problem with that, and I wasn't sure the age listed was correct anyway - you know how the internet is. Heck, sometimes they have #2's age listed as mine and he is four years older than me! Oh, no, we can't have that!
Once TK and I actually started talking, we briefly joked about Googling each other, but I never told him what I had found. We had danced around the age thing, with me never actually telling him how old I was. I know he had Googled me, trying to guess my middle name, and I warned him not to believe what age he might find (meaning that #2's might be listed instead). One day, after weeks had gone by, I asked if he had figured out how old I was. He replied that he thought he knew how old I was, but he had seen me in a bikini and there was no way I was the age Google told him I was. Awwww! That was one helluva compliment!
I don't think I have an issue with my age (45), because I look and feel much younger. I have to admit, a couple of years ago, I probably did look my age. But I started running and taking better care of myself, and became more diligent about keeping the grey out of my hair, plus I think the confidence I feel with myself and in my life helps project a more youthful appearance. In any event, I firmly believe you are only as old as you feel, and I'm going with 35. Of course, when I have a twenty-year-old son, it's a little hard to explain that I didn't have him when I was fifteen!
So yeah, I think TK has figured out my age, but he just doesn't care. If anything, I am probably more youthful than him. He has said that years of working in his industry has put major strain on his knees, so he feels his age a lot more than I do. He was never a runner, but for whatever reason, after we started dating, he took up running and actually enjoys it. To me, running makes me feel younger and more alive, and I hope that's how he feels, too. We haven't actually run together yet - I don't know if he is intimidated by me because I have been running longer, or if I am intimidated by his younger, male body, but in March, we will be running a half marathon together. I ran my first one last month and it was one of the greatest achievements of my life - and a bucket list item I got to check off. The elation I felt after was incredible - so much so that I added completing a full marathon to my bucket list. Let's see if the younger man can keep up with me for that!
All in all, I have no qualms about dating a man seven years my junior. As long as it doesn't bother him, I am good. I think he finally knows my age - one day he asked me what my Chinese Zodiac sign was, I guess to see if we were supposed to be compatible, and asked if it was the rat. I said no, I think it's the monkey, then teased him that he only asked because he was trying to figure out how old I was. So now he knows what year I was born, he knows my birthday...I imagine he's smart enough to do the math.
Someone called me a cougar one day, and I was not offended. I mean, I certainly didn't set out to go after a younger man. Matter of fact, on my online dating profile, I only put that I was seeking a man a couple of years younger to approximately ten years older than me. I just didn't think someone that much younger than me would be interested. Besides, I didn't set out to be a cougar, and yet the title means nothing to me. Another friend who is TK's age, joked with me about going after the younger men. I told him that it's not that I go after them, but that age range seems to be the ones interested in ME (my last relationship was with a man-boy who was 38). Who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?
I do have limits. I personally could not date someone who was young enough to be my son. Ewwww. Besides the ewww factor my son would feel. And what if they would want to have kids???? Nope, I think this baby factory is closed. The only way that would happen is if I won the lottery and didn't have to work anymore or worry about money and financing college. And I don't see THAT happening! (Can't win if you don't play, right?)
Maybe it helps that TK looks older than his age. I won't tell him that, but it's true. It puts us more on the same level. So if I start showing my age, and he is already looking a bit more distinguished, then I don't think he'll turn me over for a younger model. At least I hope not. But I can't think about that. Ex #2 turned me over for an older one! LOL! I guess it's not really an issue for me. As long as I am happy with TK and he is happy with me, then I will live in the moment and enjoy the love of a (much) younger man. :-)
My dad was a cop my entire life, and only just recently retired completely from law enforcement. He instilled in me a guarded optimism - it's not that I am not trusting, but I do hedge my bets when I feel it is necessary. And after some of the men I have met in my life, I am conditioned to be quite careful in that regards. So yes, I Google people. I have discovered quite a bit when doing so, and have outed several men in lies they were perpetuating (the worst one being that a particular male had a restraining order against him for stalking a woman three months before we began talking, something that did not actually surprise me from the way he had been acting... and I ended it right then.)
I did Google TK, but really didn't learn much. I had heard from his son that his wife had passed away, and I did find her obituary online. It gave her age at the time, five years previously, so I assumed that TK was about her age, making him about five years younger than me. Okay, I could deal with that. I have been told quite often that I look younger than I actually am - people used to tell my mom that, too, so it must be in my genes. If I look younger, and he looks older...
A few weeks later, I was bored so I Googled him again, and finally found an age for him. Hmmm, it appeared he might actually be seven years younger than me, not five like I had thought. Which would also mean that his wife was older than him, giving the impression that he liked older women? Still, I didn't have a problem with that, and I wasn't sure the age listed was correct anyway - you know how the internet is. Heck, sometimes they have #2's age listed as mine and he is four years older than me! Oh, no, we can't have that!
Once TK and I actually started talking, we briefly joked about Googling each other, but I never told him what I had found. We had danced around the age thing, with me never actually telling him how old I was. I know he had Googled me, trying to guess my middle name, and I warned him not to believe what age he might find (meaning that #2's might be listed instead). One day, after weeks had gone by, I asked if he had figured out how old I was. He replied that he thought he knew how old I was, but he had seen me in a bikini and there was no way I was the age Google told him I was. Awwww! That was one helluva compliment!
I don't think I have an issue with my age (45), because I look and feel much younger. I have to admit, a couple of years ago, I probably did look my age. But I started running and taking better care of myself, and became more diligent about keeping the grey out of my hair, plus I think the confidence I feel with myself and in my life helps project a more youthful appearance. In any event, I firmly believe you are only as old as you feel, and I'm going with 35. Of course, when I have a twenty-year-old son, it's a little hard to explain that I didn't have him when I was fifteen!
So yeah, I think TK has figured out my age, but he just doesn't care. If anything, I am probably more youthful than him. He has said that years of working in his industry has put major strain on his knees, so he feels his age a lot more than I do. He was never a runner, but for whatever reason, after we started dating, he took up running and actually enjoys it. To me, running makes me feel younger and more alive, and I hope that's how he feels, too. We haven't actually run together yet - I don't know if he is intimidated by me because I have been running longer, or if I am intimidated by his younger, male body, but in March, we will be running a half marathon together. I ran my first one last month and it was one of the greatest achievements of my life - and a bucket list item I got to check off. The elation I felt after was incredible - so much so that I added completing a full marathon to my bucket list. Let's see if the younger man can keep up with me for that!
All in all, I have no qualms about dating a man seven years my junior. As long as it doesn't bother him, I am good. I think he finally knows my age - one day he asked me what my Chinese Zodiac sign was, I guess to see if we were supposed to be compatible, and asked if it was the rat. I said no, I think it's the monkey, then teased him that he only asked because he was trying to figure out how old I was. So now he knows what year I was born, he knows my birthday...I imagine he's smart enough to do the math.
Someone called me a cougar one day, and I was not offended. I mean, I certainly didn't set out to go after a younger man. Matter of fact, on my online dating profile, I only put that I was seeking a man a couple of years younger to approximately ten years older than me. I just didn't think someone that much younger than me would be interested. Besides, I didn't set out to be a cougar, and yet the title means nothing to me. Another friend who is TK's age, joked with me about going after the younger men. I told him that it's not that I go after them, but that age range seems to be the ones interested in ME (my last relationship was with a man-boy who was 38). Who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?
I do have limits. I personally could not date someone who was young enough to be my son. Ewwww. Besides the ewww factor my son would feel. And what if they would want to have kids???? Nope, I think this baby factory is closed. The only way that would happen is if I won the lottery and didn't have to work anymore or worry about money and financing college. And I don't see THAT happening! (Can't win if you don't play, right?)
Maybe it helps that TK looks older than his age. I won't tell him that, but it's true. It puts us more on the same level. So if I start showing my age, and he is already looking a bit more distinguished, then I don't think he'll turn me over for a younger model. At least I hope not. But I can't think about that. Ex #2 turned me over for an older one! LOL! I guess it's not really an issue for me. As long as I am happy with TK and he is happy with me, then I will live in the moment and enjoy the love of a (much) younger man. :-)
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