I think it’s always difficult to watch someone else’s child misbehave and not have it corrected. I am not trying to judge anyone…please don’t think that’s what I am doing here. But I think we have all been in a circumstance where the child clearly is in need of structure, rules and guidance, and yet the parent(s), for whatever reason, is not providing what is needed; hence, the child acts out.
Now, I am not a perfect parent and I certainly have made my share of mistakes! Believe me - I have been married twice, after all! But, I have raised three wonderful boys. They are respectful, courteous, well-behaved, funny, sometimes sarcastic, loving individuals. Yes, they were disciplined, and sometimes that meant a spanking, though that was usually reserved for when there was a safety issue or imminent danger, such as running through a parking lot (DS2 did this and we discovered later he had ADHD). Neither of my exes have much, if any, input in raising my boys because they either chose to move away, or were self-involved with their own troubles, so it was left to me.
I have had so many friends tell me what great kids I have, how respectful and kind they are. They tell me I have done a good job raising the boys, and I do take great pride in that. I also pass their kind words on to the kids, because it’s not just about me – it’s about them, too. I know I have great kids and I tell them that all the time. Because they are.
TK has recently told me that my kids are much better behaved than his are. He also has told me he wants what I have – I laugh and have a good time with my kids, and I agree that that’s important. He says he wants to be a better father when he is around me, with me, as a family. I appreciate that, and love that he acknowledges this and wants to work on it.
We have talked about moving in together, so about a month ago, I implemented Saturday night sleepovers - TK brings the kids and they all sleep at my house. This gets us all used to being around each other, to see how well we mesh, and used to the idea that we might eventually live in the same house. I think it’s a much better plan than just having them move in, and it’s working out so far, though there have been a few snags.
But the snags are important, and I am finding that they need to be addressed sooner rather than later. I finally understand what TK meant when he said he wants to be a better father when he’s around me. Because we have begun spending even more time together, I have started to see a pattern in TK’s discipline of his kids. And I am afraid this could be a major source of the stress he has been going through, let alone a small red flag to address soon.
One of the biggest things I learned early on as a parent was that you shouldn’t threaten your kids with punishment that you cannot, or don’t intend to, follow through on. A friend recently told me about her niece being told that she wouldn’t get to have her birthday party next week for misbehaving. In my opinion, nothing a 3-year-old does warrants having her birthday party taken away. But this child is already aware that whatever Mommy threatens she isn’t following through with anyway, so who cares, right?
I admit there have been times when I have reacted out of emotion rather than keeping my wits about me and thinking things through. Sometimes you just snap, and as a single parent, you’re the only one there, so things can get pretty crazy (I realize it can happen with married parents, too). Even if you do overreact, you must act to correct it immediately. I remember once I got upset with DS1 about something and immediately told him he was grounded for a month. Now, as soon as I said that I knew I couldn’t live with the consequences, let alone have him live with them. He was ten, a month was a long time in the summer, and I would be punished just as much as him. I stopped right then, looked at him and told him that I didn’t really mean a month, more like a week, but if the behavior continued, I would increase it to a month. He ceased the behavior then and there because I took a stance, and he knew I meant business. Throwing “The Look” at him helped, too.
Yet I have witnessed many occasions where TK does this with his own children (they are 11 and 9, by the way). I love TK and I love his kids, but sometimes I want to just jump in and discipline them myself. And in some instances I do. For example, I cooked dinner last night, and while his son was eating, I watched him pick up his pork chop with his fingers and take a bite of it. I got his attention and told him to please use his fork to eat with. He immediately did as he was told, though 20 minutes later, he did it again. This time TK was sitting at the table with us, though not aware of his son’s actions. I held up a finger for TK to give me a second, and again asked his son to use his fork as I had told him before. He said “oh yeah” and did as I asked. TK just smiled a bit and shrugged.
Now, this took me a bit by surprise. I wouldn’t have thought so, but I am fairly certain this is common practice in TK’s house, if his son had to be reminded again to correct his behavior. No, he wasn’t harming anyone but I expect basic manners to be used when eating, as I have taught my kids to do – it’s an expectation in my home and at restaurants. Looks like I may have some work to do here, even more so because TK did not say anything to back me up, but at least he didn’t say or do anything negative.
I understand that his children lost their mother almost 6 years ago, and have been raised by their dad and fraternal grandfather ever since. I don’t want to excuse their behavior, and this isn’t anything too serious, but it is the tip of the iceberg. I have witnessed many more serious issues that I am somewhat concerned about. They are allowed to hit each other, to some extent, and get threatened with spankings for doing so. I contend that physical harm should not be punished with the like. If my kids ever hit someone else, they were put in time out or given another kind of punishment, but never spanked for it. I just don’t believe in that.
Additionally, I have had to tell TK’s son to get out of the ice chest at Walmart, get out of the refrigerated cooler at Costco, and to stop crawling on the shelves behind the televisions on display. I understand small children having a natural curiosity, but by this age, it’s usually somewhat tampered by understanding basic right and wrong. Which makes me think that these kids have been given a lot of leeway because they have lost their mother, and their father feels guilty about working so much that he lets them do what they want when he is with them.
But I can’t sit by and say nothing, because that’s not who I am. If they are in my house or with me and my son, they will be treated the same as my child. They will be expected to follow my house rules, and abide by basic manners in public. I have watched them be disrespectful to their father, in part because he doesn’t enforce the discipline and it gets out of hand sometimes. I am waiting for the day that one of them is disrespectful to me. I hope it doesn’t get to that point. But if they do move into my home, I hope that TK and I will be able to agree on house rules that everyone follows, and enforce them.
I do say things to his kids, correct their behavior, especially if I know that their dad is not aware of what they are doing. I don’t mete out punishment, only try to redirect them. I don’t think it is wrong to expect them to have basic manners and treat others with respect.
With that said, I do plan to talk to TK soon. We have things to work out regarding “The Move”, and this issue is definitely something to address prior to that happening. As I see it, it would be summer before they did move in – partly because they will have to change schools, and partly because I need time to finish the basement so that DS2 can have his room down there, away from all the younger children. He’ll be a senior in high school then, and really does deserve his own space. And that means we would have two free bedrooms on the second floor for TK’s kids, so one of them wouldn’t have to be in the basement so far from their dad.
I think dating a widower has its own set of challenges, and I am trying to work through the issues the best I can. Communication is extremely important in any relationship, and it was glaringly absent in my last marriage despite my best efforts (addicts crawl into their shells and hide things – go figure). I am trying my best to keep this as healthy as possible, and I know TK is trying, too. It’s all I can ask at this point.
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