I had a great time during our vacation, but then something happened. It was a little something, and I let it nag at me and fester and make it into something that was bigger than it needed to be. Still, it ended up having some merit, so I think it was justified. The Sunday night after Christmas, when we were with the kids playing board games, I had noticed that N was texting TK an awful lot. Then she tried to call him twice, and he just ignored her because he was using his phone as a timer. And then his daughter was playing on it so he wasn’t able to check his texts then, either. I was able to push it aside and let it go…that day, at least.
But then on New Year's Eve, N was texting him again…lot. We were sitting on the couch and it was one text after another. And it seemed as though he was turning the phone away like he was trying to hide it from me. That was annoying in light of the “trust” issue we had discussed. But then he told the kids that N said to tell them happy new year, and his daughter asked if he was still mad at her. Um, what is this? He told her no, that N had apologized. I was sitting down next to him and said “What?” and he shrugged and ignored me. What the heck??!!
So yeah, putting that all together and it started bothering me even more…not jealousy, but a niggling intuition-type thing. And then it seemed as though he was not as attentive, not as demonstrative. Ironically, he slept really well for the first time in a long time, while I tossed and turned and stewed all night because I had really wanted to discuss this before bed and it hadn’t happened. Which meant I got virtually no sleep. He did ask how I had slept and I told him I hadn’t slept well at all. He asked why, and when I didn’t answer, he asked if it was because of him. I know he meant because he was in my bed, but I said yes and no. He asked if I wanted to talk about it and I just shook my head.
Even after a little good morning "fun", I felt this depression settling over me that I just couldn’t shake. I went downstairs with him after he got dressed and I was in my robe, to see what the kids wanted to eat. He noticed something was off then and asked if I was okay. I nodded but he could tell something was wrong and he came over and hugged me and asked if I was okay again, I just shrugged and told him I was going to get dressed.
When I came back down, he was playing in the basement with the kids so I just stayed in the kitchen until the bacon was done and he came back upstairs. He asked if I was okay again, and I just shrugged and looked out the window, then shook my head. I had to bite my lip to keep from crying - I hadn't even realized that I had reached that level of emotion about it. He could tell I was upset because he sent the kids in the other room and came over to me and held me. He asked repeatedly to tell him what was wrong, stroked my hair, my face, hugged me more, rubbed my back, and begged me to talk to him. I could tell he was worried the few times he actually made me look him in the eyes.
I finally hugged him again and then I told him how I felt. I said I was okay with him having female friends, but it seemed that N was texting him an awful lot and while that didn’t bother me, it seemed that he was turning his phone away when she did, like he was trying to hide it from me. And with the trust issue we had talked about and trying to rebuild trust, giving the illusion that he was trying to hide something from me bothered me greatly. I also told him that it seemed to drive the point home when I had asked about the conversation the night before and he just blew me off. I told him that I needed to be able to trust him, and it was hard to do in light of all that.
It took him a few minutes before he started talking. He told me that N was going through a mid-life crisis and was driving him crazy with all her texts and drama. (I find this odd considering she is married…why can’t she talk to her husband??!!) He said instead of putting her issues all into one text, she was sending multiple texts, and it was annoying him. He also told me about Sunday night when we were playing games and she got upset about him not answering the phone or responding to the texts. He said it pissed him off, that she got “sensitive” because he wasn’t immediately available.
I asked if she was going to be that way when we were together if he didn’t answer the phone or respond to her texts immediately, and he said he hoped not, that he kind of understood her need to vent, but the drama was just too much and he didn’t like it. Maybe the drama is about her husband? Maybe she likes TK and he just doesn't realize it? Maybe those vibes I picked up on were real? She eventually apologized to TK, though, about getting angry at him. Still, it bothered me. I told him that he has to tell me these things, and not hide things from me because it makes me not trust him. I mean, I don't need to know details, but turning the phone away when she texts is not going to win him any points. He said okay, he would work on that, and not hiding things from me thinking he's protecting me. And I honestly do believe him, and trust him.
And yet, I have my suspicions. Not about TK…no, not at all. He has been nothing but supportive and loving and sweet. I trust him completely. He has been very up front about everything and seems to understand this need I have for being completely open and honest with each other. Ironically enough, there are similarities with #2 and this issue. You see, #2 was having a mid-life crisis, chased down his high school girlfriend, and immediately started pursuing a relationship with her, even while maintaining our marriage. But after I found out, I knew he had feelings for her and continued to, so I was always suspicious while we were trying to build the trust back up. We never did.
I can’t help but think N has feelings for TK – remember those vibes I told you about a month ago? And I think that since TK gave her attention as a friend, she has latched onto that and possibly turned it into more than it is, in her mind, just like #2 did. Granted, eventually the other woman caved to #2 because she didn’t have a good marriage. But TK and I have a great relationship, and we trust each other implicitly. I just hope N doesn’t cross the line.
But now I know more….TK texted that N and her husband had a talk yesterday and they mutually decided to get a divorce. Whoa. I am happy that TK texted me to keep me in the loop – it shows he was paying attention and cares about my feelings, and wants to be open and honest with me.
So, those vibes I picked up about her being single/on the prowl might really have been there. And it is even more likely that she really has attached herself to TK. I’m not saying she has, but all the wondering about what kind of husband would allow his wife to text another man that much… Yeah, it makes much more sense now. I just hope TK isn’t part of her mid-life crisis, like she’s decided that she wants something different than she already had. God, just like #2 did.
And I will tell you right now – I honestly believe that if she comes on to TK, he will 1) reject her, 2) tell me right away, and 3) I will insist he have nothing further to do with her….because if she was his friend, she should have shown restraint knowing that he was in a serious relationship.
You know, I have been there/done that in more ways than one. I admit that my self-esteem took a hit when I was divorcing #2. Whose wouldn’t? I mean, my husband essentially threw me over for an older woman who had a lot less going for her than I did. (That may sound petty, but in all honesty, it is true.) I had to build myself back up. And the first thing I did was look up some old boyfriends, guys that once liked me for me, and were now single. Yes, it was wrong to look for validation in that way, and although they never realized what I was doing, I think I knew in the back of my mind. It didn’t take long for me to figure out what I was doing and start seeing my counselor again for a healthier way to proceed. I knew I needed to fix myself first, and I did that, and I became happy with myself again.
I understand that N might be reaching out to TK because he shows her attention, albeit only as a friend. Maybe now you can understand why this makes me slightly apprehensive. Again, not because I don’t trust TK, but because I don’t trust her. I don’t even know her! I'm constantly checking myself to see if I have any feelings of jealousy towards her, and I don't. Really. Jealousy stems from insecurity, and if our relationship wasn't as solid as it is, if I truly didn't know how deeply TK feels for me, then yeah, I could see me being a little insecure about her. But that's not the case. I am not jealous. She's more like an irritation to me, if that makes sense.
So I keep my questions and concerns about her to myself, and absorb any information he passes along and file it away in case I need it later. Who knows? Maybe I am being a bit suspicious for nothing. But if I have learned anything from my past it’s that I should listen to my gut instinct. I could be wrong. But I would kick myself if I were right and I had buried my head in the sand. And I don’t want to be right.
No comments:
Post a Comment