Now that the holidays are over, it’s back to normal in our household. Ha ha, what’s normal??? T and I both took some time off from our jobs and spent a lot of time together, alone and with the kids. Although we didn’t see each other on Christmas Day, we spent time together every other day of his vacation, and it was…wonderful.
On our first day back to work on Thursday, I knew T was busy, but it bothered me a bit when I hardly heard form him all day. I knew my reasoning was because we had spent so much time together over the holidays, that I was afraid he was kinda sick of me and ready for a break. I really didn’t think so, but that’s what happens when no one else is in the office and you are bored out of your mind – you tend to overthink things! I, on the other hand, loved the time we spent together so much that I wanted nothing more than to ask him and his kids to move in with me. (Please hold off on the 2x4s.)
The next day, we texted a bit, and I told him that I try not to bother him when I don’t hear from him because I know he is busy, but that I missed him terribly. He replied that he really missed me, too. And then he told me that he had wondered, or was a little nervous, before vacation that we might spend a lot of time together and maybe we would get sick of one another and need time apart. But that it was the opposite for him. He said he had a taste of something he really enjoyed and he wanted more.
Wow. I don’t know how he does that, but he had read my mind. I told him that I had been worried that I’d be so happy spending time with him and the kids that when vacation was over and I didn’t get to see him as much, that I’d be miserable. And that by not hearing much from him, I was sick with the thought that perhaps he was sick of me. But now I know the truth, and I feel so much better knowing we both feel the same way.
I also asked him what he meant by wanting more. Other than the typical male response which I will not print here, he said more time together, doing day to day stuff, with me, him and the kids. All of us. And both of us. I told him I would absolutely love that, too, and asked how did he see that happening? His response was in reference to the promotion he is in the middle of training for, working towards that goal, and then he said he’d have to give it some thought.
Me, on the other hand…I’m sitting here thinking that the only logical solution is for him and the kids to move in with me (my house is much bigger and nicer than his, so it is also the logical choice). But I don’t want to scare him if he’s not ready to discuss that so I wait. Then he asked if I had any thoughts. I told him that yes, I did, but I was not sure how much to share right now. I told him that I want more than anything for him to succeed, to reach his goal, because he is good at what he does. Beyond that, I, too, want more but that I need to hear what he wants. I KNOW what I want, but it’s not just about me, and I won’t force him into anything.
See, I DO know what I want. I have for quite some time now. And maybe it’s because I am older now and can filter through all the little stuff and see the big picture that I am more willing to accept exactly what I want. Plus, I have tried to live by the mantra that if it’s what you want, you have to go after it because life is just too short! I think he might realize that if I say it to him, but I’ve been waiting for him to come to that conclusion himself. I can be patient.
He also told me that his daughter would like to have sleepovers even when my youngest son is not there, she likes it at my house so much. Awww. So I thought about that some more, and yesterday I sent him a text letting him know that we can have sleepovers every Saturday, if he was okay with that. And he replied YES!! And then he told me he had talked to his daughter and she said that would be awesome! So see, I still get to see him, we get alone time after the kids are in bed, he sleeps better knowing his kids are nearby and he doesn’t have to rush home to them, and we get to be a “family unit”.
That’s where the baby steps come in. Maybe he cannot yet formulate what he wants – he has told me before that he’s slow sometimes but he eventually catches on. I’ll let this ferment in his brain for a while – the whole concept of wanting “more”, having more consistent “sleepovers”, doing more as a family just as we did over vacation. I’m not sure it’s in the realm of more frequent, but it’s at least more than we were doing before vacation. And I hope that this small step will help lead him to decide what he really does want. I think he knows, he just can’t yet say it.
I find it ironic that he was the first to tell me he loved me, and seemed to be all in so much faster than I was, and yet I have already decided what I want. Now I have to be patient and wait for him to figure out what he wants. And yes, I am fairly certain we are on the same page, once he thinks it through. However, I am not a patient person! And I have a constant fear of rejection, even when I come across as confident to everyone else. So that’s why baby steps are the best course of action for now. Stay tuned.
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