DIY me...

One of my hobbies is home improvement, specifically DIY stuff.  It fascinates me!  I think part of my OCD personality gets a thrill out of making something functional…you know, the whole start-to-finish process.  I love to update fixtures, paint and stain things, decorate, build, put up a new ceiling fan, that sort of thing.  I think some of it comes from growing up poor and my dad doing all of the home repairs out of necessity, so I learned a lot from him - mostly swear words, how NOT to do things, and the importance of finishing what you start, but I digress.

I’ll touch on that last thing, though – I try not to start a project that I don’t think I can finish in a reasonable time frame.  I recently tiled the college student’s bathroom floor, and I planned it in between his visits home so that I would have time in the evenings and on weekends to get it done.  Of course, he made an unannounced appearance one weekend, so he was without a toilet, but it all worked out.  It took me three weeks to finish it because I didn’t want to hurry, and I had to squeeze it in between all the other aspects of my life!

A lot of the projects I do are just simple home repair and improvement, though some do add value to my home.  And if they are things I can do myself, I will give it a shot.  Some things, like painting my house, I will leave to the professionals, though I did caulk all the windows last year and touch up the paint in those spots. 

I have power tools and I know how to use them!  Wow, how attractive is it to hear a girl say that???  Actually, I have been told by several guys, including TK, that they do find that attractive, that I don’t necessarily need a guy to do these things for me and that they think it’s cool that I DO DIY projects.  Bonus!  (Interesting note: when #2 and I got divorced, none of the tools were his, so he didn’t take any with him. He’s not a very handy person and I honestly think it used to intimidate him that I did know how to do these things. A lot of it I learned by watching HGTV and DIY network, or searching the internet.)

I like to be outside in the spring and fall, so during the winter and dead heat of summer, I try to plan inside projects.  One of the things I had wanted to do since I moved into this house almost 5 years ago was to finish the basement.  The builder had already finished a full bath down there when the house was built 7 years ago, so I don’t have to deal with roughing in plumbing (yay!).  However, I knew this was going to be a very long project, that it wasn’t something I could slap together in a weekend, nor would I want to.

I have done some work down there when I’ve had the time, or moved on to other smaller projects that warranted my attention - like building a patio for the firepit last summer, or gel-staining the half-bath vanity (turned out awesome!).  Of course, money comes into play there, too, because it’s not cheap to do an extensive remodel like that, so I have had to budget for these expenses when I can.  Almost two years ago, I purchased the 2” foam board that our city requires for insulation and managed to get that installed throughout almost the entire basement.  It has already reduced my heating bills in the winter and the basement doesn’t feel as cold as it used to.   It should actually pay for itself by the end of next winter. J

Last year, I purchased the lumber for the framing and had it delivered.  My son helped me move it all to the basement (what a lovely workout that was!), where it’s pretty much been sitting ever since.  I had also purchased a framing nail gun and an air compressor, which did expedite the building of the walls.  Yet I had difficulty finding the time to get down there and work on said walls.  Partly because I found a new, uh, hobby last summer, affectionately referred to as TK.

Soooo, much like I invite friends over to force me to do the deep cleaning my house occasionally requires, I have asked TK and his kids to move in.  My house has 4 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms, so it is plenty big.  However, I don’t want any of the kids to have to share a room – mine never have, and his don’t now, and I want ease the transition as much as I can.  I spoke with the teenager (DS2) about the situation and since it has long been the plan to finish a bedroom in the basement, he has declared it will be his, and that the basement will be his “refuge”.

Because the college student has officially “moved out” (he has a yearly lease, but who knows what will happen when he finishes college), his room is available.  I had suggested TK’s daughter take that room (it has its own ensuite), and that his son could have DS2’s room, since that bedroom shares a bath with DS3’s bedroom.  BUT when I talked with DS3 about the plan, he actually asked to have DS1’s room, so he “could be by myself when I want”.  Since TK’s kids share a bath now, it wouldn’t be a problem if they continue to do so, until DS2 goes to college and someone might want the basement bedroom! Logistics!  AND I found out that TK’s daughter would prefer to be closer to everyone else (DS1’s bedroom is somewhat isolated), and is fine with sharing a bathroom with her brother, so everyone wins.

That’s the easy part, though.  This all means that I have three months to get the basement done.  Yikes!   Granted, I probably just need to ensure that DS2’s room is completed, but since I have a permit, I have to get the rough-in inspection done before I can have the drywall installed, so I’m under the gun.  #1 and I had finished the basement at my previous house, though I didn’t help much with this stage, so I am learning as I go.  I’ve made a few mistakes in the process, but I’ve learned and hopefully haven’t screwed anything up that can’t be fixed. 

I do know my limitations, however.  While I can install a sink, faucet, P-trap, toilet and a shower head, I stop at running plumbing lines and drains.  I had to have a plumber out for an issue so I had him check out a pipe that was capped off near a wall, and he agreed that it was a drain intended for a bar sink.  Yippee!  Because I thought it was, I had planned a wet bar, so that made me much happier.  He is coming back tomorrow to rough in the plumbing lines for me.  Money well spent, in my opinion!

My cousin is also a licensed journeyman/electrician, so he has offered to do the electrical for me. I can do basic electrical work, like installing fixtures, running wiring to a new outlet and such, but since I have only two empty breakers remaining on my main panel, he will install a secondary panel for me (way out of my scope!).  He’ll also run the wiring and install the lights, receptacles and switches, just because he can do it faster.  I plan to pay him for this, though he has told me time and again that he doesn’t want my money.  He will take it and be happy about it!  Because honestly, it will be less than what I would have had to pay someone if I’d hired them to do it.

Then the next step is the HVAC.  We did this at my old house as well, so I think I can get it done to code.  I do have a friend I used to work with that just finished his licensing for HVAC, so I thought about asking him to give me advice or check my work.  And yes, I plan to pay him as well.  Better be safe than sorry.  If I have it in the budget, I just might have him do it all, but I will have to see when I get to that point.  Although I have to plan the layout for vents and cold-air returns as I build the walls, so it’s not that much more effort to run the ductwork…(who am I kidding??!!)

Next will be inspection time!  If we pass, we move on to the drywall.  A friend at work who lives nearby gave me the name of the company he used, they charged less than $2K, AND they did it all in one day!  That would be awesome, because 1) I could work from home, and 2) I wouldn’t have to do it myself and take months to do it, and 3) they did a great job! Oh, and he said they use some type of system where they erect barriers to keep the dust to a minimum, so that’s even better!  And honestly, I don’t want to attempt to do a knock-down finish on the ceiling – I tried to patch one once and it was messy!

I plan then to do the painting and trim work myself, lay a cork floor for the workout area and carpet DS2’s room - with a subfloor system under both to prevent moisture issues (just in case).  I am not sure what kind of flooring I will use in the rest of the basement…I have considered staining the concrete and using area rugs, but we will have to see what feels right when we get to that point.  And what I can afford!

I work really well under pressure…I know this from experience!  Give me a deadline and I will get it done.   We have decided TK and the kids will move in when school is out, which is the end of May for us.  I’m sure I could have a little more time than that, but honestly, I want them to be here, in my house, as a family.  Another bonus is that the furniture/TV/fridge I was budgeting to purchase for the basement will now be provided free of charge! TK also told me that he wanted to help me build walls (he has experience as a framer), but he has been so busy with work, and exhausted when he’s off, that I thanked him but told him I was okay for now.  I’ll ask his advice, and maybe when we move on to painting, he can help.

I know I can do this, but physically…well, I am 45 years old, and in great shape, but bending, squatting, cutting, hauling, lifting, climbing, moving, nailing…it all makes for some pretty tired muscles.  I am also in training for my second half-marathon in April, so that means more time for running and less time to work in the basement.  However, I have decided to count the work in the basement as my cross-training days; I’m certainly working out other muscles!  And as long as I get my other miles in, I think I’ll be fine.

I’m getting more excited as I can see the walls coming together.  I will be happy when it is finished, that’s for sure.  (I can already envision other projects around the house.  In true OCD fashion, I do have a list!)  Plus the value of my home will increase, which I am definitely looking forward to!  Although our area was hit by the decline in the housing industry, we have seen a robust return, both in the sale of existing homes and in the building of new ones in my neighborhood.  I never lost equity in my home, and the recent sale price of similar homes within a few blocks has made me feel even better about how much equity I have now.

DS2 will be happy to move to the basement, and have a place to hang out with his friends when they are over, without having the little kids annoying them.  He knows it won’t be completely his space as we will have a large sectional, surround sound, and a popcorn machine there for movie nights.  We’ll also have the workout area with treadmills, weights and Bowflex machine, and the game area with foosball and air hockey.  I’ll be happy to enjoy it as well, and to appreciate the end of the project.  I just hope it turns out as well as I see it in my mind.

His late wife, part 2.

I told you before about TK’s late wife and the pictures that were hanging in his house.  Now I’ll fill you in on how that played out.

It took several weeks to actually have a conversation with him about it.  I had wanted to do it face to face, but it seemed like the only time we had alone together was fleeting, and when we did, we were exhausted, or something else had come up…there just never seemed to be a good time.  So a little over a week ago, TK worked late – on Valentine’s Day, no less.  He was supposed to come over to spend the evening/night with me, but it didn’t happen and he was very upset about it.  I told him to just call me when he got off, no matter how late, and I fell asleep.

So he called at 1:30 in the morning on his way home.  We ended up talking for almost 1.5 hours.  We hadn’t seen each other in almost a week, and I just wanted to hear his voice and talk to him about things that you just can’t talk about in texts.  It was during this talk that I felt the need to bring up the pictures.  It had nothing to do with it being Valentine’s Day; it just felt comfortable and as though it was an appropriate moment to talk to him about it.

I started by asking if he missed S.  He was quiet for several moments, and I was beginning to get a bit nervous, but then he said no, that he didn’t miss her at all.  He felt bad that she was missing out on the kids’ lives, and their milestones, but that was all.  That was certainly a load off my mind – I figured as much, but I had to make sure, you know?  Plus, that’s one of the things I had found when I googled it, to start the conversation that way.

Then I reminded him of the night that I was in his house, and asked if he knew how uncomfortable I had been that night.  He said no, he didn’t notice.  I then explained why – that when I had walked into the living room and saw all the pictures of the two of them as a couple, it was a little overwhelming.  Then to see more in the dining room, and tons more in the hall and on the stairs, I just felt like an intruder in their marriage, like an outsider.  And to top it off, when he had took my arm and flipped the switch in the dining room to point out a large picture they’d had signed at their wedding, it was almost more than I could handle.  I told him that I could understand a few pictures of her for the kids’ sake, but these were all pictures of just them as a couple, and barely any pictures of the kids.

And then he was silent for what seemed like an eternity.  Finally, he said that those pictures had been there for so long that they were like pieces of furniture to him, that he didn’t even notice them anymore, BUT that he could see how they would make me uncomfortable and he felt bad about that.  I gently asked the next question, the hardest one: were there any pictures in his room?  His reply?  “Of the kids.”  Silly man.  I told him that he knew exactly what I meant, and he said only pictures of the kids, none of S.  Phew.  Since we have barely even taken a selfie of the two of us together, I don’t expect him to have pics of me in there, but still, I had to make sure what I was up against.

He told me that he is just a clueless guy, that eventually he would have figured it out.  And since then, he has even joked with me a few times about pictures on the walls.  It’s good to know that it means nothing to him and that he respects my feelings on the subject.

One thing that I find odd – that she put all of these pictures of the two of them up, but there were only one picture each of the kids.  I understand he’s a guy and never thought to hang more of the kids’ pictures up, keeping them in his room instead.  But the irony is that their marriage was falling apart even before it began.  It seems perhaps that she was trying to keep the “happier” times in focus by hanging their engagement and wedding photos up, almost like she was either trying to convince him or convince herself that they were happy once. 

I’m sure that once upon a time, they were.  He said the first time he met her, he was head over heels.  But when they met back up three years later, he said she was different, but the differences weren’t quite apparent until after their whirlwind marriage (three months later!).  I think she knew he had fallen for her before, and when her self-esteem needed a boost, she found him again.  She played him and got what she wanted, because he wasn’t aware of the changes she had gone through.  And then after the wedding that she insisted on having so quickly, the issues became apparent, but by then it was too late. 

After the kids came along, things went from bad to worse.  I think it’s likely that she just couldn’t deal with the kids, and kept the pictures of the two of them up as some sort of talisman.  I mean, what mother doesn’t put pics of her babies up on the walls, especially when they were so darned cute?  Nah, someone walking in that house and seeing it the way I did would come to the same conclusion.

I am certainly not trying to condemn a woman who has long passed.  That’s not my intent.  My only goal is to try to understand, because someday the kids are going to have more questions.  TK has been very open with the kids about their mother’s death, and they have all been through counseling.  Yet you can see the kids crave a mother; I see it in their behavior towards me, and in their resistance to discipline.  But I also cannot condone what she did to the kids, that her own actions left them without a mother.  If it were me? I’d either get help or get out, and I guess she got out in the only way she knew how, but in a very selfish way.

Everyone has stuff to deal with in their lives, and you never know what others are going through, or have gone through.  Each of us has our own baggage, and it’s how we handle or carry that baggage that makes us who we are.  I admit I used to carry a lot of it around and lament to my friends about my current state, not realizing that I didn’t have to complain so much.  I finally realized I was not as happy in that situation, and I changed. 

Yes, I changed.  I made up my mind that I would be happy, and I dealt with what I could and let the rest go.  I probably lost a couple of friends who either hadn’t wanted to listen to the crap, or they were ones who fed off the turmoil of others.  In any event, I am better off.  Indifference is a great attitude to have towards some people because that means thoughts of them don’t control you anymore.  I’m not saying that sometimes my exes don’t do something stupid that irritates me (we have kids together so we do still have contact), but I try to deal with it as quickly as I can and go back to living my life and being happy, and so far, it’s working.

At last I have found someone who challenges me, and yet accepts me for who I am.  He has baggage, obviously, but he has dealt with his much as I have done, though I still have to chuckle about the pictures.  We have agreed that the kids can have pictures of their mom in their rooms, but they won’t be on display in the rest of the house when they move in.  After all, it will be a new start for all of us.

The One

When you find the one you are supposed to be with for the rest of your life, I am not entirely certain that everyone experiences the same physical symptoms. I mean, some people claim to feel a shock or jolt when touching the other person for the first time, while others have said they experienced fireworks when they shared their first kiss. Me? Well, it’s complicated, but I can guarantee you TK still gives me butterflies.

You see, I know that my first marriage was NOT to the man of my dreams. It was the next logical step in our relationship, and if I had known then what I know now…blah, blah, blah. Regret is a strong word, but going through experiences in your life are what help you to grow and mature, and it’s not like we get a do-over, you know? So I lived and learned. But no, no fireworks, no shock, nothing. I did get two amazing boys out of it, which was the best part.

The second time around…I thought we were soul mates. He pursued me, it took me a while to come around, and eventually I did fall in love with him. At least the HIM that he was then. I don’t recall butterflies or fireworks, but more of a slow warming over time. And then after the wedding, he became a different person, a person I did not like and eventually could not even stand to be around. He knows even now that he has problems, but until he takes that first step… In any event, I took my lumps and moved on.

When I first saw TK, I was not looking for a boyfriend. Heck, I didn’t even want to get married again. He caught my eye at a ball game, and I obviously caught his several times. After the season was over, I contacted him, and we have been together ever since. That first week was full of emails and texts as we got to know each other. Every time I saw his name on my phone, I got a thrill that he was even responding, let alone seeming interested in me.

We had a lot in common, and had an easy rapport with each other. I couldn’t wait to hear from him again, and we stayed up late texting every night. I couldn’t eat, I was giddy all the time, I always had a smile on my face, I was excited to get out of bed to see if there was a text from him. Yes, I knew it was infatuation, but it was so much fun! I had dated several guys in the last few years but none seriously. And I had spent a lot of time working on myself, so when this happened, I wasn’t expecting it. Yet it seemed so natural, and perfect, and I was enjoying myself immensely.

We arranged for him to come to my house for a date at the end of the first week. I was nervous, but excited. I couldn’t remember ever feeling this way about someone, let alone so quickly. We talked for hours, and I could tell he was somewhat shy – whether because of me or his personality, I wasn’t sure. Then it was so late that it was morning and he said he should probably go home. Because I had been working on getting out of my comfort zone, I leaned over and kissed him. Yes, there were fireworks. Fireworks to go along with the butterflies that had found a home in my tummy from the moment I had laid eyes on him.

I am not one to jump in with both feet, so I did hold myself back and make sure he knew that nothing else was going to happen that night. It wasn’t til a few days later that I found out that he had been experiencing the same “symptoms” I had – the loss of appetite, almost-permanent smile, giddiness, butterflies, etc. Knowing the reaction I was causing in him made me realize that maybe I had met someone who would want to be with me.

I know it’s not that easy – that we don’t just decide to BE with someone after a week. But don’t you ever wonder about those people who get married after only knowing each other a few months? I mean, how could you know enough about that person to commit your life to them? But then I think about what I have been through – two marriages to two men that I dated for two years before the wedding(s).

I am 45 years old. I am pretty sure at this age that I know exactly what I want, especially from what I have had and don’t want to repeat from my past. And it didn’t just happen overnight for me; it took a while. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t just infatuation, though I have read that after 3-6 months, infatuation wanes and if it’s not true love, you’ll know. It’s been seven months now, and we show no signs of slowing down. Granted, if you ask him, he’ll say he knew from Day 1. Maybe I did, too, but I wanted to be careful, I don’t know. He did tell me he loved me first, after about 6 weeks, but I already knew by then, too. Both that I loved him AND that he loved me – I could see it in his eyes.

He told me today that he has been at points in his life where he felt like he had to settle, take what he got and make the best of it. But with me, he doesn’t feel like he has to settle. I am glad. No one should have to settle, although I think we both have in our past lives. I don’t feel like I am settling, either. Far from it…I have found someone who brings out the best in me, and that I want to make happy for the rest of his life.

He still sends shivers down my spine, his kiss can make me melt, seeing his name light up my phone still makes my heart race, and just the thought of him gives me butterflies. In a few months, he and his kids will be moving in with us, and I cannot wait to start our life together. Marriage is not as important to either of us as it probably once was, but we also have not ruled it out. He made a promise to me, and I made the same one to him. I think for two wounded people who eventually find the person that fits all the pieces back together, that is enough. Just be happy.

Baby steps...

Well, I had hoped to talk to TK last week, and it just didn’t happen.  He ended up working all weekend, 12-15 hour days (Super Bowl is their busiest weekend), and I hardly saw him as it was.  When I was able to spend time with him, I had to share with his kids, which I am fine with but it’s not necessarily conducive to a significant conversation about our relationship.

I know we’ll get there…although we are not married, we still have the same struggles that married couples have with trying to find alone time.  It’s made even more difficult by the fact that we live apart.  TK did manage to come over one night last week, after he got his kids to bed, just to be with me.  We were both exhausted, though, and emotionally I was not up to having The conversation with him.  There were more immediate things to discuss, and he needed to vent about work, so it is what it is and I’m okay with that. 

Since we are planning to join households at the end of the school year, we do still have some time to acclimate the kids, and ourselves, to the arrangement.  I am glad we have this time because we need the baby steps.  As I have mentioned before, there is a different structure of discipline to our two households, one that will need to be resolved before we can all live in the same house.  We just need to sit down and talk that through, then include the kids so that they all are on the same page with the rules.

One thing I was able to do last Sunday was to talk to DS3 about the possibility of TK and his children moving in.  I had not done that yet, and unfortunately my hand was forced so I had to make the best of the situation.  To my surprise, DS3 was perfectly fine with it.  He did have a few questions, and asked to take over DS1’s bedroom, which was a surprise to me.  Although it wasn’t the original plan, as soon as I realized he wanted to do it, I knew the bedroom arrangements would then all work out fine – everyone should be happy.  Leave it to the kid to come up with a plan that suits everyone.

Except DS1, that is.  He’s home from college this weekend, and although I had brought it up to him first, back in October, I haven’t discussed it much more with him in recent months.  Mostly because I didn’t even ask TK til January.  I am sure he will be okay with it, and giving up his room to his little brother should be an easier pill to swallow.  He has technically moved out on his own as it is, but I want him to know he is always welcome to come home.

The baby steps have helped to some extent, in my opinion.  I think it’s much better to ease into this gradually, work out the kinks and get everything smoothed out before the big move.  Not that there haven’t been a few struggles in the process - the discipline issue for one.  DS3 has pointed out several incidents he would have gotten in trouble for (which of course DS2 finds hilariously ironic).  But to me it just points to the fact that DS3 does listen to me, and has learned that the rules are important.  But more importantly, he sees the reasoning behind them, like basic good manners.

I try to speak to DS3 when these things happen, explain the situations and how I am dealing with the issues.  Last night, his comment was, “Well, when will it start working??!!”  I understand the frustration of a ten-year-old – patience is not exactly a strong suit of mine.  So it’s even more important that TK and I are able to find time (soon) to discuss these things.  In his defense, he did have a talk with his kids the other night, on their way home from my house.  It appears to have had a small impact, but there are so many more things to get through that Mr. Impatient just can’t see the forest for the trees.  Oh, he is his mother’s son.

We gotta take the baby steps because I want this to work.  I want us to be a family, and so does TK.