I have to admit, I have only had one family member that I was close to pass away. I cannot fathom what it must be like for someone to lose a spouse, child or parent because I have not yet experienced that. Well, I guess I can imagine it somewhat, but I am sure what I would conjure up in my head would be nowhere near what it is truly like.
TK lost his wife almost six years ago. Their marriage was almost at an end, according to what he has told me, for reasons I will not disclose. It is my understanding that she was not the same person he fell in love with all those years ago, and even after she came back into his life and they married three months later, she was not the same person then that she had been the first time they met. I think it was one of those “hindsight” things, but it happened, they were married and had children together and then she died.
Because I have never dealt with something like this, I have sought out advice from traditional sources, including one close friend whose husband passed shortly after they divorced. Six years seems like an adequate amount of time, but I also understand that no one can put a timeline on grief, so please bear with me if it seems that I am jumping to conclusions. I am trying not to, just relating my experiences and what I have observed.
TK was in another relationship before me, so that did make me feel a little less anxious when we first started dating…I didn’t want to be the first person he dated after his wife died. My marriage to #2 was as co-dependent as they come, and I have actively tried to avoid any relationship in which he might need “fixing”. In any event, I did not get that in any context from TK, and so I was able to let my guard down a bit.
I really fought falling for him at first, not because of him but because of me. I didn’t want to get hurt again. But sometimes in order to feel you have to open your heart and take that risk. I once read something that said falling in love is like giving the other person a knife and a map to your heart describing where to cut to do the most damage. It IS like that. You have to open yourself up completely, but that puts you at your most vulnerable.
What I had to remember was that he was open to that vulnerability as well. Maybe moreso than I was, considering what he had gone through. Yes, I had been through a painful divorce, but I cannot even begin to make a comparison with the death of a spouse. Even though he told me how bad things had been between them, he loved her at some point, and that meant something. And their love lives on in their children, so it deserves some respect. And probably what makes him even more vulnerable to love again.
The interesting thing was that he fell first. He told me probably on that first day, but for sure about six weeks in. He finally told me after two months – I knew how he felt before then, but by this point, I was in love with him, too. He asked me to meet her parents, and I met them that night. They were nice people – I had seen them before at baseball games. I understood that was a big step for him, and that he’d never introduced anyone to them before. Matter of fact, it was huge.
I want nothing more than to spend my life with him by my side, and I know he feels the same way. However, there is another person in this relationship, but she’s a ghost. And this week I need to find out how much she still means to him.
See, I went to his house last week. It was the first time I was actually IN his house. I had brought it up before, offered to come over, but he always had a reason to deny me. I finally brought it up with him a few weeks ago, and he told me he had not been comfortable having a woman in his house since his wife had died. But that now he was comfortable enough with me that he would be okay with having me over, and he issued a standing invitation for me to visit anytime I wished.
Hmmm. Okay, so I went with him to a family gathering, and after, we came back to his house. And I went inside. I had no qualms about this at all – I was slightly concerned that he was embarrassed about the state of his house because I am just a little OCD and keep a very tidy home. But it was about what I expected, so I wasn’t surprised.
No, what surprised me was what happened when I walked in the living room with is daughter and sat down. I looked up and right in front of me was a very large picture of TK and his wife, hanging on the wall. The television was offset to the corner, so it was not hard to miss this picture. And when I say large, I mean almost poster-sized. It was quite intimidating. I had expected to see pics of his late wife, but I hadn’t bargained for their engagement photo to be so prominently displayed. It was all I could do to avoid looking at it.
So I turned myself to face his daughter and there was another picture on that wall. And a wedding photo on the table next to me. I knew I had to get myself under control, and I was able to calm myself by not looking at the pictures and concentrating on his daughter. But once she left the room, I had to get out of there. I stood up, facing the dining room, and I’ll be damned if there wasn’t another large engagement photo of them in there! I quickly exited the living room in the other direction, only to be confronted by even more pictures (almost 10) hanging in the hallway on the way to the kitchen. OMG.
Please don’t judge me here. I completely understand having pictures of their mom for the kids’ sake - I get that. But all the pictures of them together as a couple, it was just too much for me. I retreated to the kitchen and stayed there the rest of the time I was in his home. The kicker was when TK started pointing out the things “the wife” had done around the house –tiling this or painting that – as though I was merely a family friend who was visiting. And then he took me by the arm and led me to the dining room, turning on the light and telling me how they had had their engagement photo at the wedding and had people sign it, then framed it and hung it on the wall.
I felt like an intruder in their marriage, and I seriously began to wonder if he was over her, or if he was just that blasé about it. I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt because I am certain that she hung the pictures and he’s probably just so used to them being there 10+ years later that it has never occurred to him to take at least some of them down, or move them. To top it off, I saw only one picture each of his children hanging in the dining room. It truly was like a shrine but not just to her, to them as a couple. I mean, where were the family pics? Did they not take any together in the 4-5 years they had children before she died?
And it made me wonder what his room was like. I didn’t get that far. He said it had been an emotional day, and though he really wanted me to stay, we both knew I had to go so we could both get some sleep. And what I didn’t tell him was I was scared to death to go in his room, because I was almost certain what I would find there. Dear Lord, if I do ever make it to his room, and there are pictures of her there, I swear I will let him know immediately that I cannot stay and exactly why.
I know better than to ask him to take the pictures down, but I also have no qualms about telling him how I feel. Unfortunately, we have not had any time alone to talk in the last week, a point that is starting to aggravate me. I hope tonight we will have the chance, but if not, at least by this weekend. It is something I have to discuss with him. I need to know that he is ready to move on, that he is past what they had and come to terms with it and can have a relationship with me in every sense of the word.
I don’t doubt how he feels about me. Not at all. Matter of fact, I know exactly how he feels and how much. And I also know that you can love two people at the same time, though not like he loves me. But I need to know he is not replacing her with me, you know? He’s told me stories about their marriage and how it was over at the end, and has told me he made peace with possibly losing his house a few years ago and says he has no ties to it. And yet he was so emotional about me being in his house.
Maybe I am reading too much into this, but the pictures… That could hint that this is more than I thought, or it could just be that he was a guy and clueless about what it might mean to me to see them. But the only way I will find out for sure is to ask him, and I have to be prepared for what I hear, no matter what it is.
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