His late wife, part 2.

I told you before about TK’s late wife and the pictures that were hanging in his house.  Now I’ll fill you in on how that played out.

It took several weeks to actually have a conversation with him about it.  I had wanted to do it face to face, but it seemed like the only time we had alone together was fleeting, and when we did, we were exhausted, or something else had come up…there just never seemed to be a good time.  So a little over a week ago, TK worked late – on Valentine’s Day, no less.  He was supposed to come over to spend the evening/night with me, but it didn’t happen and he was very upset about it.  I told him to just call me when he got off, no matter how late, and I fell asleep.

So he called at 1:30 in the morning on his way home.  We ended up talking for almost 1.5 hours.  We hadn’t seen each other in almost a week, and I just wanted to hear his voice and talk to him about things that you just can’t talk about in texts.  It was during this talk that I felt the need to bring up the pictures.  It had nothing to do with it being Valentine’s Day; it just felt comfortable and as though it was an appropriate moment to talk to him about it.

I started by asking if he missed S.  He was quiet for several moments, and I was beginning to get a bit nervous, but then he said no, that he didn’t miss her at all.  He felt bad that she was missing out on the kids’ lives, and their milestones, but that was all.  That was certainly a load off my mind – I figured as much, but I had to make sure, you know?  Plus, that’s one of the things I had found when I googled it, to start the conversation that way.

Then I reminded him of the night that I was in his house, and asked if he knew how uncomfortable I had been that night.  He said no, he didn’t notice.  I then explained why – that when I had walked into the living room and saw all the pictures of the two of them as a couple, it was a little overwhelming.  Then to see more in the dining room, and tons more in the hall and on the stairs, I just felt like an intruder in their marriage, like an outsider.  And to top it off, when he had took my arm and flipped the switch in the dining room to point out a large picture they’d had signed at their wedding, it was almost more than I could handle.  I told him that I could understand a few pictures of her for the kids’ sake, but these were all pictures of just them as a couple, and barely any pictures of the kids.

And then he was silent for what seemed like an eternity.  Finally, he said that those pictures had been there for so long that they were like pieces of furniture to him, that he didn’t even notice them anymore, BUT that he could see how they would make me uncomfortable and he felt bad about that.  I gently asked the next question, the hardest one: were there any pictures in his room?  His reply?  “Of the kids.”  Silly man.  I told him that he knew exactly what I meant, and he said only pictures of the kids, none of S.  Phew.  Since we have barely even taken a selfie of the two of us together, I don’t expect him to have pics of me in there, but still, I had to make sure what I was up against.

He told me that he is just a clueless guy, that eventually he would have figured it out.  And since then, he has even joked with me a few times about pictures on the walls.  It’s good to know that it means nothing to him and that he respects my feelings on the subject.

One thing that I find odd – that she put all of these pictures of the two of them up, but there were only one picture each of the kids.  I understand he’s a guy and never thought to hang more of the kids’ pictures up, keeping them in his room instead.  But the irony is that their marriage was falling apart even before it began.  It seems perhaps that she was trying to keep the “happier” times in focus by hanging their engagement and wedding photos up, almost like she was either trying to convince him or convince herself that they were happy once. 

I’m sure that once upon a time, they were.  He said the first time he met her, he was head over heels.  But when they met back up three years later, he said she was different, but the differences weren’t quite apparent until after their whirlwind marriage (three months later!).  I think she knew he had fallen for her before, and when her self-esteem needed a boost, she found him again.  She played him and got what she wanted, because he wasn’t aware of the changes she had gone through.  And then after the wedding that she insisted on having so quickly, the issues became apparent, but by then it was too late. 

After the kids came along, things went from bad to worse.  I think it’s likely that she just couldn’t deal with the kids, and kept the pictures of the two of them up as some sort of talisman.  I mean, what mother doesn’t put pics of her babies up on the walls, especially when they were so darned cute?  Nah, someone walking in that house and seeing it the way I did would come to the same conclusion.

I am certainly not trying to condemn a woman who has long passed.  That’s not my intent.  My only goal is to try to understand, because someday the kids are going to have more questions.  TK has been very open with the kids about their mother’s death, and they have all been through counseling.  Yet you can see the kids crave a mother; I see it in their behavior towards me, and in their resistance to discipline.  But I also cannot condone what she did to the kids, that her own actions left them without a mother.  If it were me? I’d either get help or get out, and I guess she got out in the only way she knew how, but in a very selfish way.

Everyone has stuff to deal with in their lives, and you never know what others are going through, or have gone through.  Each of us has our own baggage, and it’s how we handle or carry that baggage that makes us who we are.  I admit I used to carry a lot of it around and lament to my friends about my current state, not realizing that I didn’t have to complain so much.  I finally realized I was not as happy in that situation, and I changed. 

Yes, I changed.  I made up my mind that I would be happy, and I dealt with what I could and let the rest go.  I probably lost a couple of friends who either hadn’t wanted to listen to the crap, or they were ones who fed off the turmoil of others.  In any event, I am better off.  Indifference is a great attitude to have towards some people because that means thoughts of them don’t control you anymore.  I’m not saying that sometimes my exes don’t do something stupid that irritates me (we have kids together so we do still have contact), but I try to deal with it as quickly as I can and go back to living my life and being happy, and so far, it’s working.

At last I have found someone who challenges me, and yet accepts me for who I am.  He has baggage, obviously, but he has dealt with his much as I have done, though I still have to chuckle about the pictures.  We have agreed that the kids can have pictures of their mom in their rooms, but they won’t be on display in the rest of the house when they move in.  After all, it will be a new start for all of us.

His late wife...

I have to admit, I have only had one family member that I was close to pass away. I cannot fathom what it must be like for someone to lose a spouse, child or parent because I have not yet experienced that. Well, I guess I can imagine it somewhat, but I am sure what I would conjure up in my head would be nowhere near what it is truly like.

TK lost his wife almost six years ago. Their marriage was almost at an end, according to what he has told me, for reasons I will not disclose. It is my understanding that she was not the same person he fell in love with all those years ago, and even after she came back into his life and they married three months later, she was not the same person then that she had been the first time they met. I think it was one of those “hindsight” things, but it happened, they were married and had children together and then she died.

Because I have never dealt with something like this, I have sought out advice from traditional sources, including one close friend whose husband passed shortly after they divorced. Six years seems like an adequate amount of time, but I also understand that no one can put a timeline on grief, so please bear with me if it seems that I am jumping to conclusions. I am trying not to, just relating my experiences and what I have observed.

TK was in another relationship before me, so that did make me feel a little less anxious when we first started dating…I didn’t want to be the first person he dated after his wife died. My marriage to #2 was as co-dependent as they come, and I have actively tried to avoid any relationship in which he might need “fixing”. In any event, I did not get that in any context from TK, and so I was able to let my guard down a bit.

I really fought falling for him at first, not because of him but because of me. I didn’t want to get hurt again. But sometimes in order to feel you have to open your heart and take that risk. I once read something that said falling in love is like giving the other person a knife and a map to your heart describing where to cut to do the most damage. It IS like that. You have to open yourself up completely, but that puts you at your most vulnerable.

What I had to remember was that he was open to that vulnerability as well. Maybe moreso than I was, considering what he had gone through. Yes, I had been through a painful divorce, but I cannot even begin to make a comparison with the death of a spouse. Even though he told me how bad things had been between them, he loved her at some point, and that meant something. And their love lives on in their children, so it deserves some respect. And probably what makes him even more vulnerable to love again.

The interesting thing was that he fell first. He told me probably on that first day, but for sure about six weeks in. He finally told me after two months – I knew how he felt before then, but by this point, I was in love with him, too. He asked me to meet her parents, and I met them that night. They were nice people – I had seen them before at baseball games. I understood that was a big step for him, and that he’d never introduced anyone to them before. Matter of fact, it was huge.

I want nothing more than to spend my life with him by my side, and I know he feels the same way. However, there is another person in this relationship, but she’s a ghost. And this week I need to find out how much she still means to him.

See, I went to his house last week. It was the first time I was actually IN his house. I had brought it up before, offered to come over, but he always had a reason to deny me. I finally brought it up with him a few weeks ago, and he told me he had not been comfortable having a woman in his house since his wife had died. But that now he was comfortable enough with me that he would be okay with having me over, and he issued a standing invitation for me to visit anytime I wished.

Hmmm. Okay, so I went with him to a family gathering, and after, we came back to his house. And I went inside. I had no qualms about this at all – I was slightly concerned that he was embarrassed about the state of his house because I am just a little OCD and keep a very tidy home. But it was about what I expected, so I wasn’t surprised.

No, what surprised me was what happened when I walked in the living room with is daughter and sat down. I looked up and right in front of me was a very large picture of TK and his wife, hanging on the wall. The television was offset to the corner, so it was not hard to miss this picture. And when I say large, I mean almost poster-sized. It was quite intimidating. I had expected to see pics of his late wife, but I hadn’t bargained for their engagement photo to be so prominently displayed. It was all I could do to avoid looking at it.

So I turned myself to face his daughter and there was another picture on that wall. And a wedding photo on the table next to me. I knew I had to get myself under control, and I was able to calm myself by not looking at the pictures and concentrating on his daughter. But once she left the room, I had to get out of there. I stood up, facing the dining room, and I’ll be damned if there wasn’t another large engagement photo of them in there! I quickly exited the living room in the other direction, only to be confronted by even more pictures (almost 10) hanging in the hallway on the way to the kitchen. OMG.

Please don’t judge me here. I completely understand having pictures of their mom for the kids’ sake - I get that. But all the pictures of them together as a couple, it was just too much for me. I retreated to the kitchen and stayed there the rest of the time I was in his home. The kicker was when TK started pointing out the things “the wife” had done around the house –tiling this or painting that – as though I was merely a family friend who was visiting. And then he took me by the arm and led me to the dining room, turning on the light and telling me how they had had their engagement photo at the wedding and had people sign it, then framed it and hung it on the wall.

I felt like an intruder in their marriage, and I seriously began to wonder if he was over her, or if he was just that blasé about it. I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt because I am certain that she hung the pictures and he’s probably just so used to them being there 10+ years later that it has never occurred to him to take at least some of them down, or move them. To top it off, I saw only one picture each of his children hanging in the dining room. It truly was like a shrine but not just to her, to them as a couple. I mean, where were the family pics?  Did they not take any together in the 4-5 years they had children before she died?

And it made me wonder what his room was like. I didn’t get that far. He said it had been an emotional day, and though he really wanted me to stay, we both knew I had to go so we could both get some sleep. And what I didn’t tell him was I was scared to death to go in his room, because I was almost certain what I would find there. Dear Lord, if I do ever make it to his room, and there are pictures of her there, I swear I will let him know immediately that I cannot stay and exactly why.

I know better than to ask him to take the pictures down, but I also have no qualms about telling him how I feel. Unfortunately, we have not had any time alone to talk in the last week, a point that is starting to aggravate me. I hope tonight we will have the chance, but if not, at least by this weekend. It is something I have to discuss with him. I need to know that he is ready to move on, that he is past what they had and come to terms with it and can have a relationship with me in every sense of the word.

I don’t doubt how he feels about me. Not at all. Matter of fact, I know exactly how he feels and how much. And I also know that you can love two people at the same time, though not like he loves me. But I need to know he is not replacing her with me, you know? He’s told me stories about their marriage and how it was over at the end, and has told me he made peace with possibly losing his house a few years ago and says he has no ties to it. And yet he was so emotional about me being in his house.

Maybe I am reading too much into this, but the pictures… That could hint that this is more than I thought, or it could just be that he was a guy and clueless about what it might mean to me to see them. But the only way I will find out for sure is to ask him, and I have to be prepared for what I hear, no matter what it is.