DIY me...

One of my hobbies is home improvement, specifically DIY stuff.  It fascinates me!  I think part of my OCD personality gets a thrill out of making something functional…you know, the whole start-to-finish process.  I love to update fixtures, paint and stain things, decorate, build, put up a new ceiling fan, that sort of thing.  I think some of it comes from growing up poor and my dad doing all of the home repairs out of necessity, so I learned a lot from him - mostly swear words, how NOT to do things, and the importance of finishing what you start, but I digress.

I’ll touch on that last thing, though – I try not to start a project that I don’t think I can finish in a reasonable time frame.  I recently tiled the college student’s bathroom floor, and I planned it in between his visits home so that I would have time in the evenings and on weekends to get it done.  Of course, he made an unannounced appearance one weekend, so he was without a toilet, but it all worked out.  It took me three weeks to finish it because I didn’t want to hurry, and I had to squeeze it in between all the other aspects of my life!

A lot of the projects I do are just simple home repair and improvement, though some do add value to my home.  And if they are things I can do myself, I will give it a shot.  Some things, like painting my house, I will leave to the professionals, though I did caulk all the windows last year and touch up the paint in those spots. 

I have power tools and I know how to use them!  Wow, how attractive is it to hear a girl say that???  Actually, I have been told by several guys, including TK, that they do find that attractive, that I don’t necessarily need a guy to do these things for me and that they think it’s cool that I DO DIY projects.  Bonus!  (Interesting note: when #2 and I got divorced, none of the tools were his, so he didn’t take any with him. He’s not a very handy person and I honestly think it used to intimidate him that I did know how to do these things. A lot of it I learned by watching HGTV and DIY network, or searching the internet.)

I like to be outside in the spring and fall, so during the winter and dead heat of summer, I try to plan inside projects.  One of the things I had wanted to do since I moved into this house almost 5 years ago was to finish the basement.  The builder had already finished a full bath down there when the house was built 7 years ago, so I don’t have to deal with roughing in plumbing (yay!).  However, I knew this was going to be a very long project, that it wasn’t something I could slap together in a weekend, nor would I want to.

I have done some work down there when I’ve had the time, or moved on to other smaller projects that warranted my attention - like building a patio for the firepit last summer, or gel-staining the half-bath vanity (turned out awesome!).  Of course, money comes into play there, too, because it’s not cheap to do an extensive remodel like that, so I have had to budget for these expenses when I can.  Almost two years ago, I purchased the 2” foam board that our city requires for insulation and managed to get that installed throughout almost the entire basement.  It has already reduced my heating bills in the winter and the basement doesn’t feel as cold as it used to.   It should actually pay for itself by the end of next winter. J

Last year, I purchased the lumber for the framing and had it delivered.  My son helped me move it all to the basement (what a lovely workout that was!), where it’s pretty much been sitting ever since.  I had also purchased a framing nail gun and an air compressor, which did expedite the building of the walls.  Yet I had difficulty finding the time to get down there and work on said walls.  Partly because I found a new, uh, hobby last summer, affectionately referred to as TK.

Soooo, much like I invite friends over to force me to do the deep cleaning my house occasionally requires, I have asked TK and his kids to move in.  My house has 4 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms, so it is plenty big.  However, I don’t want any of the kids to have to share a room – mine never have, and his don’t now, and I want ease the transition as much as I can.  I spoke with the teenager (DS2) about the situation and since it has long been the plan to finish a bedroom in the basement, he has declared it will be his, and that the basement will be his “refuge”.

Because the college student has officially “moved out” (he has a yearly lease, but who knows what will happen when he finishes college), his room is available.  I had suggested TK’s daughter take that room (it has its own ensuite), and that his son could have DS2’s room, since that bedroom shares a bath with DS3’s bedroom.  BUT when I talked with DS3 about the plan, he actually asked to have DS1’s room, so he “could be by myself when I want”.  Since TK’s kids share a bath now, it wouldn’t be a problem if they continue to do so, until DS2 goes to college and someone might want the basement bedroom! Logistics!  AND I found out that TK’s daughter would prefer to be closer to everyone else (DS1’s bedroom is somewhat isolated), and is fine with sharing a bathroom with her brother, so everyone wins.

That’s the easy part, though.  This all means that I have three months to get the basement done.  Yikes!   Granted, I probably just need to ensure that DS2’s room is completed, but since I have a permit, I have to get the rough-in inspection done before I can have the drywall installed, so I’m under the gun.  #1 and I had finished the basement at my previous house, though I didn’t help much with this stage, so I am learning as I go.  I’ve made a few mistakes in the process, but I’ve learned and hopefully haven’t screwed anything up that can’t be fixed. 

I do know my limitations, however.  While I can install a sink, faucet, P-trap, toilet and a shower head, I stop at running plumbing lines and drains.  I had to have a plumber out for an issue so I had him check out a pipe that was capped off near a wall, and he agreed that it was a drain intended for a bar sink.  Yippee!  Because I thought it was, I had planned a wet bar, so that made me much happier.  He is coming back tomorrow to rough in the plumbing lines for me.  Money well spent, in my opinion!

My cousin is also a licensed journeyman/electrician, so he has offered to do the electrical for me. I can do basic electrical work, like installing fixtures, running wiring to a new outlet and such, but since I have only two empty breakers remaining on my main panel, he will install a secondary panel for me (way out of my scope!).  He’ll also run the wiring and install the lights, receptacles and switches, just because he can do it faster.  I plan to pay him for this, though he has told me time and again that he doesn’t want my money.  He will take it and be happy about it!  Because honestly, it will be less than what I would have had to pay someone if I’d hired them to do it.

Then the next step is the HVAC.  We did this at my old house as well, so I think I can get it done to code.  I do have a friend I used to work with that just finished his licensing for HVAC, so I thought about asking him to give me advice or check my work.  And yes, I plan to pay him as well.  Better be safe than sorry.  If I have it in the budget, I just might have him do it all, but I will have to see when I get to that point.  Although I have to plan the layout for vents and cold-air returns as I build the walls, so it’s not that much more effort to run the ductwork…(who am I kidding??!!)

Next will be inspection time!  If we pass, we move on to the drywall.  A friend at work who lives nearby gave me the name of the company he used, they charged less than $2K, AND they did it all in one day!  That would be awesome, because 1) I could work from home, and 2) I wouldn’t have to do it myself and take months to do it, and 3) they did a great job! Oh, and he said they use some type of system where they erect barriers to keep the dust to a minimum, so that’s even better!  And honestly, I don’t want to attempt to do a knock-down finish on the ceiling – I tried to patch one once and it was messy!

I plan then to do the painting and trim work myself, lay a cork floor for the workout area and carpet DS2’s room - with a subfloor system under both to prevent moisture issues (just in case).  I am not sure what kind of flooring I will use in the rest of the basement…I have considered staining the concrete and using area rugs, but we will have to see what feels right when we get to that point.  And what I can afford!

I work really well under pressure…I know this from experience!  Give me a deadline and I will get it done.   We have decided TK and the kids will move in when school is out, which is the end of May for us.  I’m sure I could have a little more time than that, but honestly, I want them to be here, in my house, as a family.  Another bonus is that the furniture/TV/fridge I was budgeting to purchase for the basement will now be provided free of charge! TK also told me that he wanted to help me build walls (he has experience as a framer), but he has been so busy with work, and exhausted when he’s off, that I thanked him but told him I was okay for now.  I’ll ask his advice, and maybe when we move on to painting, he can help.

I know I can do this, but physically…well, I am 45 years old, and in great shape, but bending, squatting, cutting, hauling, lifting, climbing, moving, nailing…it all makes for some pretty tired muscles.  I am also in training for my second half-marathon in April, so that means more time for running and less time to work in the basement.  However, I have decided to count the work in the basement as my cross-training days; I’m certainly working out other muscles!  And as long as I get my other miles in, I think I’ll be fine.

I’m getting more excited as I can see the walls coming together.  I will be happy when it is finished, that’s for sure.  (I can already envision other projects around the house.  In true OCD fashion, I do have a list!)  Plus the value of my home will increase, which I am definitely looking forward to!  Although our area was hit by the decline in the housing industry, we have seen a robust return, both in the sale of existing homes and in the building of new ones in my neighborhood.  I never lost equity in my home, and the recent sale price of similar homes within a few blocks has made me feel even better about how much equity I have now.

DS2 will be happy to move to the basement, and have a place to hang out with his friends when they are over, without having the little kids annoying them.  He knows it won’t be completely his space as we will have a large sectional, surround sound, and a popcorn machine there for movie nights.  We’ll also have the workout area with treadmills, weights and Bowflex machine, and the game area with foosball and air hockey.  I’ll be happy to enjoy it as well, and to appreciate the end of the project.  I just hope it turns out as well as I see it in my mind.

His late wife, part 2.

I told you before about TK’s late wife and the pictures that were hanging in his house.  Now I’ll fill you in on how that played out.

It took several weeks to actually have a conversation with him about it.  I had wanted to do it face to face, but it seemed like the only time we had alone together was fleeting, and when we did, we were exhausted, or something else had come up…there just never seemed to be a good time.  So a little over a week ago, TK worked late – on Valentine’s Day, no less.  He was supposed to come over to spend the evening/night with me, but it didn’t happen and he was very upset about it.  I told him to just call me when he got off, no matter how late, and I fell asleep.

So he called at 1:30 in the morning on his way home.  We ended up talking for almost 1.5 hours.  We hadn’t seen each other in almost a week, and I just wanted to hear his voice and talk to him about things that you just can’t talk about in texts.  It was during this talk that I felt the need to bring up the pictures.  It had nothing to do with it being Valentine’s Day; it just felt comfortable and as though it was an appropriate moment to talk to him about it.

I started by asking if he missed S.  He was quiet for several moments, and I was beginning to get a bit nervous, but then he said no, that he didn’t miss her at all.  He felt bad that she was missing out on the kids’ lives, and their milestones, but that was all.  That was certainly a load off my mind – I figured as much, but I had to make sure, you know?  Plus, that’s one of the things I had found when I googled it, to start the conversation that way.

Then I reminded him of the night that I was in his house, and asked if he knew how uncomfortable I had been that night.  He said no, he didn’t notice.  I then explained why – that when I had walked into the living room and saw all the pictures of the two of them as a couple, it was a little overwhelming.  Then to see more in the dining room, and tons more in the hall and on the stairs, I just felt like an intruder in their marriage, like an outsider.  And to top it off, when he had took my arm and flipped the switch in the dining room to point out a large picture they’d had signed at their wedding, it was almost more than I could handle.  I told him that I could understand a few pictures of her for the kids’ sake, but these were all pictures of just them as a couple, and barely any pictures of the kids.

And then he was silent for what seemed like an eternity.  Finally, he said that those pictures had been there for so long that they were like pieces of furniture to him, that he didn’t even notice them anymore, BUT that he could see how they would make me uncomfortable and he felt bad about that.  I gently asked the next question, the hardest one: were there any pictures in his room?  His reply?  “Of the kids.”  Silly man.  I told him that he knew exactly what I meant, and he said only pictures of the kids, none of S.  Phew.  Since we have barely even taken a selfie of the two of us together, I don’t expect him to have pics of me in there, but still, I had to make sure what I was up against.

He told me that he is just a clueless guy, that eventually he would have figured it out.  And since then, he has even joked with me a few times about pictures on the walls.  It’s good to know that it means nothing to him and that he respects my feelings on the subject.

One thing that I find odd – that she put all of these pictures of the two of them up, but there were only one picture each of the kids.  I understand he’s a guy and never thought to hang more of the kids’ pictures up, keeping them in his room instead.  But the irony is that their marriage was falling apart even before it began.  It seems perhaps that she was trying to keep the “happier” times in focus by hanging their engagement and wedding photos up, almost like she was either trying to convince him or convince herself that they were happy once. 

I’m sure that once upon a time, they were.  He said the first time he met her, he was head over heels.  But when they met back up three years later, he said she was different, but the differences weren’t quite apparent until after their whirlwind marriage (three months later!).  I think she knew he had fallen for her before, and when her self-esteem needed a boost, she found him again.  She played him and got what she wanted, because he wasn’t aware of the changes she had gone through.  And then after the wedding that she insisted on having so quickly, the issues became apparent, but by then it was too late. 

After the kids came along, things went from bad to worse.  I think it’s likely that she just couldn’t deal with the kids, and kept the pictures of the two of them up as some sort of talisman.  I mean, what mother doesn’t put pics of her babies up on the walls, especially when they were so darned cute?  Nah, someone walking in that house and seeing it the way I did would come to the same conclusion.

I am certainly not trying to condemn a woman who has long passed.  That’s not my intent.  My only goal is to try to understand, because someday the kids are going to have more questions.  TK has been very open with the kids about their mother’s death, and they have all been through counseling.  Yet you can see the kids crave a mother; I see it in their behavior towards me, and in their resistance to discipline.  But I also cannot condone what she did to the kids, that her own actions left them without a mother.  If it were me? I’d either get help or get out, and I guess she got out in the only way she knew how, but in a very selfish way.

Everyone has stuff to deal with in their lives, and you never know what others are going through, or have gone through.  Each of us has our own baggage, and it’s how we handle or carry that baggage that makes us who we are.  I admit I used to carry a lot of it around and lament to my friends about my current state, not realizing that I didn’t have to complain so much.  I finally realized I was not as happy in that situation, and I changed. 

Yes, I changed.  I made up my mind that I would be happy, and I dealt with what I could and let the rest go.  I probably lost a couple of friends who either hadn’t wanted to listen to the crap, or they were ones who fed off the turmoil of others.  In any event, I am better off.  Indifference is a great attitude to have towards some people because that means thoughts of them don’t control you anymore.  I’m not saying that sometimes my exes don’t do something stupid that irritates me (we have kids together so we do still have contact), but I try to deal with it as quickly as I can and go back to living my life and being happy, and so far, it’s working.

At last I have found someone who challenges me, and yet accepts me for who I am.  He has baggage, obviously, but he has dealt with his much as I have done, though I still have to chuckle about the pictures.  We have agreed that the kids can have pictures of their mom in their rooms, but they won’t be on display in the rest of the house when they move in.  After all, it will be a new start for all of us.

Baby steps...

Well, I had hoped to talk to TK last week, and it just didn’t happen.  He ended up working all weekend, 12-15 hour days (Super Bowl is their busiest weekend), and I hardly saw him as it was.  When I was able to spend time with him, I had to share with his kids, which I am fine with but it’s not necessarily conducive to a significant conversation about our relationship.

I know we’ll get there…although we are not married, we still have the same struggles that married couples have with trying to find alone time.  It’s made even more difficult by the fact that we live apart.  TK did manage to come over one night last week, after he got his kids to bed, just to be with me.  We were both exhausted, though, and emotionally I was not up to having The conversation with him.  There were more immediate things to discuss, and he needed to vent about work, so it is what it is and I’m okay with that. 

Since we are planning to join households at the end of the school year, we do still have some time to acclimate the kids, and ourselves, to the arrangement.  I am glad we have this time because we need the baby steps.  As I have mentioned before, there is a different structure of discipline to our two households, one that will need to be resolved before we can all live in the same house.  We just need to sit down and talk that through, then include the kids so that they all are on the same page with the rules.

One thing I was able to do last Sunday was to talk to DS3 about the possibility of TK and his children moving in.  I had not done that yet, and unfortunately my hand was forced so I had to make the best of the situation.  To my surprise, DS3 was perfectly fine with it.  He did have a few questions, and asked to take over DS1’s bedroom, which was a surprise to me.  Although it wasn’t the original plan, as soon as I realized he wanted to do it, I knew the bedroom arrangements would then all work out fine – everyone should be happy.  Leave it to the kid to come up with a plan that suits everyone.

Except DS1, that is.  He’s home from college this weekend, and although I had brought it up to him first, back in October, I haven’t discussed it much more with him in recent months.  Mostly because I didn’t even ask TK til January.  I am sure he will be okay with it, and giving up his room to his little brother should be an easier pill to swallow.  He has technically moved out on his own as it is, but I want him to know he is always welcome to come home.

The baby steps have helped to some extent, in my opinion.  I think it’s much better to ease into this gradually, work out the kinks and get everything smoothed out before the big move.  Not that there haven’t been a few struggles in the process - the discipline issue for one.  DS3 has pointed out several incidents he would have gotten in trouble for (which of course DS2 finds hilariously ironic).  But to me it just points to the fact that DS3 does listen to me, and has learned that the rules are important.  But more importantly, he sees the reasoning behind them, like basic good manners.

I try to speak to DS3 when these things happen, explain the situations and how I am dealing with the issues.  Last night, his comment was, “Well, when will it start working??!!”  I understand the frustration of a ten-year-old – patience is not exactly a strong suit of mine.  So it’s even more important that TK and I are able to find time (soon) to discuss these things.  In his defense, he did have a talk with his kids the other night, on their way home from my house.  It appears to have had a small impact, but there are so many more things to get through that Mr. Impatient just can’t see the forest for the trees.  Oh, he is his mother’s son.

We gotta take the baby steps because I want this to work.  I want us to be a family, and so does TK.

A tidy house...

Once upon a time, I lived with my parents.  They were not neat people.  Granted, we cleaned on a weekly basis, but it involved moving the tchotchkes to dust around them and putting them back where they had been.  They served no useful purpose, mind you, but this was the desired process my mother forced upon us. 

Now that I think about it, the kitchen counter was almost never de-cluttered to allow for a proper cleansing.  The right side of the kitchen, between the sink and the stove, was where the majority of the cooking took place, so it got a daily wipe down even if there were things that had to be moved temporarily to do so, or more often than not they were wiped around.  But it was the left side of the kitchen, the expanse of counter between the sink and the refrigerator, that held my disdain.

We lived in a small house – <1,000 square feet containing a living room, eat-in kitchen, three bedrooms and one bathroom, and a utility room.  There was absolutely NO place for a desk, or any place to even file anything, so the left side of the kitchen became the Land of Misfit Papers/Junk.  It was where all the mail got tossed, whether it was opened or not.  I grew up believing that everyone waited until they got the pink slip in the mail to pay their electric bill (yeah, I get it now).  And that was because there was no filing system, no way of keeping tracks of the bills, because everything was tossed in the same place: baseball schedules, errant socks, outdated newspapers, rubber bands, permission slips (usually NOT signed), grade cards, shopping lists, birthday party invitations, tax forms, my mom’s curling iron and hair products (yes, she did her hair at the kitchen table every morning- ick), etc.  See the problem here?

I realized when I was quite young (like nine or ten years old), that I had a tendency to want my room tidy.  Hard to do when you share a bedroom with a sister who shucks her clothes and leaves them where they laid.  I even once used tape to separate our room so my side could stay neat and tidy.  This tendency I had?  Yeah, it’s OCD…I understand and accept the diagnosis.  But this went beyond my bedroom and the kitchen counter.  I would often count to four – a LOT – much like Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory always knocks three times on Penny’s door.  Almost everything had to be done in fours.  I also typed words with my fingers as I would speak, something that I found I had in common with my high school Spanish teacher, a kindred spirit.

I was a neat freak, plain and simple.  Perhaps it was in my nature, or because of/in spite of the way my parents chose to live (and subsequently my sister AND my brother), who knows, but I was constantly picking up after everyone.  I tried to organize the kitchen counter, but had to give that up when I realized I couldn’t keep up – and my mom got mad for misplacing something.  The irony!

I would even gather things from the living room and literally dump them on my siblings’ beds so that they would be forced to deal with them or put them away before they could sleep that night.  Although, you guessed it, more often than not everything ended up on the floor (that’s probably what elicited the partitioning of our shared bedroom with tape), but at least it wasn’t in the living room!

I never had friends over because I was always afraid of what the house would look like when I got home.  When I was in high school, it finally dawned on me that this was a battle I would never win.  My parents weren’t going to change, and it was clear my siblings were on the same path as them.  I was the odd man out.  So I swore that some day when I have my own house, I would not live that way.  I moved out a few years later, and yes indeed, even my college apartment was kept neat, tidy, and almost spotless.  (I do say almost because all-nighters to study for a Chemistry test sometimes precluded the dusting.)

#1 was NOT a neat person, either, and that was the root cause of the one and only time we broke up while dating.  I should have heeded that, but I thought I was in love and that he would change.  Ha.  And he was probably ecstatic that he had someone like his mother to clean up after him.  Yes, I became the mother figure in that relationship – something I am not proud of – but I have definitely learned from it.

Having children lends a whole other challenge to those of us with OCD, mostly because of the disarray that accompanies said children.  When they are old enough to motor about on their own, they leave a trail of destruction in their wake.  One thing I did was just not have so many toys out and available to my oldest, though I did rotate them out weekly so that he didn’t get bored.  It made clean up a lot easier, I wasn’t limiting him, and I actually included him in putting the toys away (you just sang the Barney clean-up song, didn’t you?).

This worked for us.  Believe me, I needed all the help I could get because by the time the second one was walking, the marriage was done.  There’s only so much a working mom with two kids who does everything around the house except mow the yard (and I even did THAT most of the time) can handle until she eventually snaps.  I was forced  to relax the OCD a bit because I just couldn’t deal with the stress.  However, in that time I had learned that it’s a lot easier to keep the house neat than to try to be in a constant state of coming from behind.  I learned that if I invited friends over, I was much more inclined to do the deep cleaning that I usually neglected (seriously, who cleans baseboards…ever?).  I still do this. :-)

So at that time, I elicited help from the boys.  They each got a few chores to do, and I had some help keeping things normal.  It was normal for them, too, because they weren’t used to a messy house.  They’d go visit my brothers’ kids and come home quite appreciative of the environment in which we lived…we didn’t have trails marked through piles in the house.  Sometimes seeing how other people live is enough to make them appreciate what they have.  Enough said.

There was also some turmoil that began shortly after my marriage to #2.  I’ve outlined the issues before so I won’t go into it now, but having a tidy home helped to keep things calm for me and the boys.  Some people thrive on chaos, and if that works for them, by all means let the tornado fly.  But it’s just not for me.  If my house is tidy, if everything (well, almost everything) is in its proper place, and there is little clutter to distract me, then I am soothed.  I also feel that with the stress we’ve all been through during and after #2’s presence in the house, keeping the environment they are in as stress-free as possible served to help them to heal. 

They say your home is your sanctuary, and I feel it every day.  I need the serenity I get from walking in the door and know that everything should be as I found it.  Granted, with three boys running/wrestling/horsing around, that may not always be the case, but they are pretty good about putting things back where they belong.  Not always, but they understand (remember, they’ve seen how my nephews have lived in the past).   I’m not saying we’re perfect and there’s never any drama in my house – it happens sometimes, even with boys!  But we are very low-key most of the time, and I think they appreciate that.  Plus I allow them to kind of do what they want as far as their bedrooms go.  I may suggest they clean their rooms, but I don’t throw a fit about it.  I pick my battles. 

I recently had to take care of a friends’ pet while she was out of town, and TK came with me.  I commented while walking through her small duplex that I could not live this way – the clutter, the dirt, the unnecessary junk was just too much for me.  There was almost no place to sit in the living room, the kitchen counter and table were covered with stuff…you couldn’t even sit at the table to eat.  Now, I love my friend and her kids, and if they are okay with that lifestyle, that’s great for them.  But it’s not for me, and that’s all I said.

However, I realize how TK may have taken that comment.  You see, I have yet to step foot inside his house.  Oh, I have been there several times, but it’s usually to pick up/drop off TK and/or his kids, so even if I have gotten out of my car, I have never been farther than the driveway.  This didn’t bother me at first, because he has commented from the beginning how much he enjoys the peace and serenity at my house.

And yet, the first time I mentioned stopping by his house on a night I could come and see him instead of him always coming to my house, I was turned down.  He said he was tired and going to bed, and it wasn’t even 9:00!  He makes fun of me if I go to bed before 10:00, so I tried to let it go, telling myself that it wasn’t about me.

Another night, there had been miscommunication regarding our regularly scheduled date night.  It wasn’t until after 9:00 before we had a conversation about it, when he told me he had thought I could come over and hang out with him that night.  Of course, it was way too late for that, but I told him that would have been nice, I would have enjoyed that, if he had actually INVITED me!  And yet, even though it was only 9:30, he didn’t.

More recently, I made a comment that I could come over to his house on those nights I did not have my youngest son, which are every Wednesday, our standing date night.  He hesitated, then made some excuse, so I called him on it.  I asked why he seemed to not want me to ever come to his house, why when I have been over, he’s always waiting outside for me, as though he doesn’t want me to come in. 

He told me a story then, about how he has not been comfortable having women in his house since his wife died.  I said sometihng about him not being comfortable with me, and he was immediately chagrined.  He said that’s not the case, that he is very comfortable with me and wouldn’t mind me being in his house.  But that’s how it’s been for so long that he just didn’t think about it til now, and that I am welcome.

This past Sunday, he wasn’t feeling well.  I picked him up for a couple’s massage that he’d scheduled for us.   When I dropped him off, having told him I had nothing to do that day til I picked my son up at 6:00, he said nothing about me coming in and hanging out with him and the kids.  I told later I had wanted to take care of him and I shouldn’t have to ask, and he said no I shouldn’t, that I could come and go as I pleased.

Hmmmmm, okay.  And then yesterday, since he had to work til 8:00, I asked if I could come over when he got home and spend time with him, and with the kids.  He told me he had been thinking that he would come and see me instead.  While that is perfectly fine with me, is it just me or is there a pattern here?  I am sensing there is a lot more to this than he is letting on.

And this is what I have come up with, what ties this in with the theme of this blog: I wonder if his house is like the one I grew up in, like my friends’ house is?  He knows how I feel about it since we have discussed it before, though I have never been derogatory about it because these are people I care about and if they are happy to live like that, then who am I to judge?  But I also fear that he has taken it too much to heart and thinks I will judge him if he lives that way, too.  Does that make sense?

I honestly don’t give a rat’s ass how he lives.  I mean, he’s well-groomed and his kids are clean and taken care of, so that’s not an issue for me.  But I do wonder if he is embarrassed by the state of his house.  He has told me several things, like that his dad is not good about cleaning (more like shuffling things into piles and then moving them around), that his sister’s’ two dogs are NOT house trained and tend to pee and poop all over the house (this makes me sick), that he has several appliances that are not working or only partially working, that he had to fix a leak in a shower wall by accessing the wall from behind (and me thinks that perhaps he didn’t fix the hole he made to do so).  Not exactly the living conditions I am used to.

I don’t want him to be embarrassed, though I can understand how he might be.  And his long term goal of wanting a nice house could either be because he wants out of the one he’s in and is striving towards that, or because he has seen mine and it’s what he would want for himself (I have a great house and I love it).    We’re getting into the “living together” territory and I don’t want to stray too far off topic with this, but it is a way for him to get the nice house, have less stress in his life, etc.  BUT, it also makes me wonder if he would choose to just walk away from that house.  He has alluded to some financial issues in the past, and I think that’s a possibility if there are more things wrong with the house that he couldn’t really afford to fix.  I understand that has happened a lot in this economy, and it might be a pride thing with him.  We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it.

I know I am not perfect – far from it!  I have my flaws, have certainly made mistakes.  But one thing I have realized is that you truly have to learn from those mistakes and move on and hopefully not repeat them.  TK has told me that he wants to be a better parent, more like me, and I took that as the compliment it was intended to be.  He has said he wants to live in a nice house like mine – same thing.  He said I make him want to be a better person, more giving, more loving, more altruistic – like me.  Apparently he must think I live a perfect life to want to emulate me so much! 

Joking aside, I really appreciate that he sees what I have accomplished and wants to try harder, to be a better father, partner, person.  And he makes me want to be a better person, too.  I am accountable to someone else again, someone who encourages my running and is proud of me for accomplishing my goals, someone who appreciates my job – that while it isn’t physically taxing like his, it still has its challenges.  Someone who makes fun of my OCD.

Yes, he teases me, but in subtle ways.  When I make the bed, sometimes he will turn the corner up just to mess with me.  Or he will rearrange things on the kitchen counter.  Or he will unfold a towel that I had folded.   But I take it all in fun, because I know he loves me and accepts me for who I am.  Tidy house and all.

A little flash of jealousy?

Interestingly enough, I have never been the jealous type. There have been moments where if I had not been secure in the knowledge of how I felt about myself and my relationship (at the time), I could easily have turned into a green-eyed monster (the fact that I have green eyes not withstanding). But when I enter a committed relationship, that’s how I see it – from both sides. I expect both of us to be faithful, so harmless flirting aimed at my partner means nothing to me. I am confident, but a little too much attention thrown his way and I might have to say something.

This past Saturday, TK and I were sitting on the couch while the kids played board games in the other room. He received about 5-6 text messages in a row, and I assumed they were from work. I happened to glance over and see a name at the top of the screen, with all the text messages from “her” down the left, though no responses sent from him. And I got this feeling, irrational as it was, in the pit of my stomach. I recognized it immediately, and then felt ashamed. But I get it now. And I didn’t like it at all. I am as confident in myself as I ever have been, moreso even. I am an observant sort, being a scientist and all, and I KNOW I have never heard that name mentioned before. I thought perhaps it was work, sending him texts regarding some issue they were having, so I told myself to stop feeling that way. I had no reason to. I mean, he was with me, loves me, is committed to me, had just spent the entire day with me and my son, and didn’t want to leave. I should be thrilled, so I stopped. And then he told me about her.

Apparently, this is someone he used to work with years ago, and they were good friends but he hadn’t heard from her in months. She had texted him last week out of the blue, and so he had told her about me. She was texting to tell him that she hoped it worked out, that she didn’t want to see him get hurt, that I better take care of him (um, what? Who is this person?), and that when he gets married, she wants to be the best man!! OMG!! It was almost more than I could take. The M word has not fallen from our lips till he dropped it right then, and I was kinda shocked. She had asked if we were going to live together if we weren’t getting married right away, and I now wonder how much and exactly what he has told her!

The jealousy flew right out the window, though not without a thought that perhaps she had a thing for him at one point and it was not reciprocated. I mean, why be so protective? My brother and cousin might act that way, because my cousin is like my brother, and guys do that, especially relatives. But not this way around, not usually. (Plus I looked her up on Facebook – yeah, no need to be jealous at all.)

In any event, he then proceeds to tell me that his boss was asking the same things last week. His response was that it was on the table, that we hadn’t even really discussed it, and that they needed to stop pushing and give us time to talk about it. Again, I wonder how much he has told his boss! It seems that he has discussed more with these people than with me. But, then again, I have done the same thing in talking with my girlfriends…it’s what us girls do! We think out loud over lunch or drinks because our friends help us put things into perspective. I guess men do it, too? Guess it makes sense.

Let me mention something here. A few months ago, TK told me one night that he sometimes fantasizes about coming home to me every night…talking, cooking dinner, doing chores, watching television, that sort of thing. I understood that to mean that we’d at least have to be living together for that to happen, and probably why he hedged it by asking if it was okay if he told me something, wanting to prepare me for something…he didn’t want me to get antsy like I had with the girlfriend label (it had only been a week, okay???!!!). And I told him that would be lovely. It stopped there, but at least we were taking baby steps, right?

A month later, I mention to him in a text that I would love to wake up next to him every day. He made a joke, and I said I was serious, and…crickets. Finally, he responded that it sounded nice but to be honest, it scared him. He said it was probably due to trust issues he had to deal with, and nothing to do with me. Which I can relate to, because that’s my stance on marriage at this point. A few weeks later, I brought this up again, and he told me that it had sounded like a marriage proposal at the time and it freaked him out a little. Really? And I said, “So it’s okay for you to bring these things up but not for me? That’s not fair. And that’s what you had implied two months ago with wanting to come home to me every night.” He then told me that that was “a while ago” and he doesn’t feel that way anymore, he knows what he wants now. Well, okay, but I am still not going to be the one to start this discussion…I need to know that he’s ready because it didn’t go any further that night.

So now that you know where we stood on living together and marriage up til this past Saturday, you can imagine I was quite surprised to find out he had been thinking about it, let alone talking about it! And once the shock wore off (though I think I managed to keep a poker face!), I asked if that’s what he wanted, eventually. And he said yes, that’s what he would eventually like. I didn’t ask which – moving in or marriage – but figure it’s bound to come up again soon.

And I am soooo not jealous anymore. :-) Maybe a little scared, extraordinarily happy, but NOT jealous!!