DIY me...

One of my hobbies is home improvement, specifically DIY stuff.  It fascinates me!  I think part of my OCD personality gets a thrill out of making something functional…you know, the whole start-to-finish process.  I love to update fixtures, paint and stain things, decorate, build, put up a new ceiling fan, that sort of thing.  I think some of it comes from growing up poor and my dad doing all of the home repairs out of necessity, so I learned a lot from him - mostly swear words, how NOT to do things, and the importance of finishing what you start, but I digress.

I’ll touch on that last thing, though – I try not to start a project that I don’t think I can finish in a reasonable time frame.  I recently tiled the college student’s bathroom floor, and I planned it in between his visits home so that I would have time in the evenings and on weekends to get it done.  Of course, he made an unannounced appearance one weekend, so he was without a toilet, but it all worked out.  It took me three weeks to finish it because I didn’t want to hurry, and I had to squeeze it in between all the other aspects of my life!

A lot of the projects I do are just simple home repair and improvement, though some do add value to my home.  And if they are things I can do myself, I will give it a shot.  Some things, like painting my house, I will leave to the professionals, though I did caulk all the windows last year and touch up the paint in those spots. 

I have power tools and I know how to use them!  Wow, how attractive is it to hear a girl say that???  Actually, I have been told by several guys, including TK, that they do find that attractive, that I don’t necessarily need a guy to do these things for me and that they think it’s cool that I DO DIY projects.  Bonus!  (Interesting note: when #2 and I got divorced, none of the tools were his, so he didn’t take any with him. He’s not a very handy person and I honestly think it used to intimidate him that I did know how to do these things. A lot of it I learned by watching HGTV and DIY network, or searching the internet.)

I like to be outside in the spring and fall, so during the winter and dead heat of summer, I try to plan inside projects.  One of the things I had wanted to do since I moved into this house almost 5 years ago was to finish the basement.  The builder had already finished a full bath down there when the house was built 7 years ago, so I don’t have to deal with roughing in plumbing (yay!).  However, I knew this was going to be a very long project, that it wasn’t something I could slap together in a weekend, nor would I want to.

I have done some work down there when I’ve had the time, or moved on to other smaller projects that warranted my attention - like building a patio for the firepit last summer, or gel-staining the half-bath vanity (turned out awesome!).  Of course, money comes into play there, too, because it’s not cheap to do an extensive remodel like that, so I have had to budget for these expenses when I can.  Almost two years ago, I purchased the 2” foam board that our city requires for insulation and managed to get that installed throughout almost the entire basement.  It has already reduced my heating bills in the winter and the basement doesn’t feel as cold as it used to.   It should actually pay for itself by the end of next winter. J

Last year, I purchased the lumber for the framing and had it delivered.  My son helped me move it all to the basement (what a lovely workout that was!), where it’s pretty much been sitting ever since.  I had also purchased a framing nail gun and an air compressor, which did expedite the building of the walls.  Yet I had difficulty finding the time to get down there and work on said walls.  Partly because I found a new, uh, hobby last summer, affectionately referred to as TK.

Soooo, much like I invite friends over to force me to do the deep cleaning my house occasionally requires, I have asked TK and his kids to move in.  My house has 4 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms, so it is plenty big.  However, I don’t want any of the kids to have to share a room – mine never have, and his don’t now, and I want ease the transition as much as I can.  I spoke with the teenager (DS2) about the situation and since it has long been the plan to finish a bedroom in the basement, he has declared it will be his, and that the basement will be his “refuge”.

Because the college student has officially “moved out” (he has a yearly lease, but who knows what will happen when he finishes college), his room is available.  I had suggested TK’s daughter take that room (it has its own ensuite), and that his son could have DS2’s room, since that bedroom shares a bath with DS3’s bedroom.  BUT when I talked with DS3 about the plan, he actually asked to have DS1’s room, so he “could be by myself when I want”.  Since TK’s kids share a bath now, it wouldn’t be a problem if they continue to do so, until DS2 goes to college and someone might want the basement bedroom! Logistics!  AND I found out that TK’s daughter would prefer to be closer to everyone else (DS1’s bedroom is somewhat isolated), and is fine with sharing a bathroom with her brother, so everyone wins.

That’s the easy part, though.  This all means that I have three months to get the basement done.  Yikes!   Granted, I probably just need to ensure that DS2’s room is completed, but since I have a permit, I have to get the rough-in inspection done before I can have the drywall installed, so I’m under the gun.  #1 and I had finished the basement at my previous house, though I didn’t help much with this stage, so I am learning as I go.  I’ve made a few mistakes in the process, but I’ve learned and hopefully haven’t screwed anything up that can’t be fixed. 

I do know my limitations, however.  While I can install a sink, faucet, P-trap, toilet and a shower head, I stop at running plumbing lines and drains.  I had to have a plumber out for an issue so I had him check out a pipe that was capped off near a wall, and he agreed that it was a drain intended for a bar sink.  Yippee!  Because I thought it was, I had planned a wet bar, so that made me much happier.  He is coming back tomorrow to rough in the plumbing lines for me.  Money well spent, in my opinion!

My cousin is also a licensed journeyman/electrician, so he has offered to do the electrical for me. I can do basic electrical work, like installing fixtures, running wiring to a new outlet and such, but since I have only two empty breakers remaining on my main panel, he will install a secondary panel for me (way out of my scope!).  He’ll also run the wiring and install the lights, receptacles and switches, just because he can do it faster.  I plan to pay him for this, though he has told me time and again that he doesn’t want my money.  He will take it and be happy about it!  Because honestly, it will be less than what I would have had to pay someone if I’d hired them to do it.

Then the next step is the HVAC.  We did this at my old house as well, so I think I can get it done to code.  I do have a friend I used to work with that just finished his licensing for HVAC, so I thought about asking him to give me advice or check my work.  And yes, I plan to pay him as well.  Better be safe than sorry.  If I have it in the budget, I just might have him do it all, but I will have to see when I get to that point.  Although I have to plan the layout for vents and cold-air returns as I build the walls, so it’s not that much more effort to run the ductwork…(who am I kidding??!!)

Next will be inspection time!  If we pass, we move on to the drywall.  A friend at work who lives nearby gave me the name of the company he used, they charged less than $2K, AND they did it all in one day!  That would be awesome, because 1) I could work from home, and 2) I wouldn’t have to do it myself and take months to do it, and 3) they did a great job! Oh, and he said they use some type of system where they erect barriers to keep the dust to a minimum, so that’s even better!  And honestly, I don’t want to attempt to do a knock-down finish on the ceiling – I tried to patch one once and it was messy!

I plan then to do the painting and trim work myself, lay a cork floor for the workout area and carpet DS2’s room - with a subfloor system under both to prevent moisture issues (just in case).  I am not sure what kind of flooring I will use in the rest of the basement…I have considered staining the concrete and using area rugs, but we will have to see what feels right when we get to that point.  And what I can afford!

I work really well under pressure…I know this from experience!  Give me a deadline and I will get it done.   We have decided TK and the kids will move in when school is out, which is the end of May for us.  I’m sure I could have a little more time than that, but honestly, I want them to be here, in my house, as a family.  Another bonus is that the furniture/TV/fridge I was budgeting to purchase for the basement will now be provided free of charge! TK also told me that he wanted to help me build walls (he has experience as a framer), but he has been so busy with work, and exhausted when he’s off, that I thanked him but told him I was okay for now.  I’ll ask his advice, and maybe when we move on to painting, he can help.

I know I can do this, but physically…well, I am 45 years old, and in great shape, but bending, squatting, cutting, hauling, lifting, climbing, moving, nailing…it all makes for some pretty tired muscles.  I am also in training for my second half-marathon in April, so that means more time for running and less time to work in the basement.  However, I have decided to count the work in the basement as my cross-training days; I’m certainly working out other muscles!  And as long as I get my other miles in, I think I’ll be fine.

I’m getting more excited as I can see the walls coming together.  I will be happy when it is finished, that’s for sure.  (I can already envision other projects around the house.  In true OCD fashion, I do have a list!)  Plus the value of my home will increase, which I am definitely looking forward to!  Although our area was hit by the decline in the housing industry, we have seen a robust return, both in the sale of existing homes and in the building of new ones in my neighborhood.  I never lost equity in my home, and the recent sale price of similar homes within a few blocks has made me feel even better about how much equity I have now.

DS2 will be happy to move to the basement, and have a place to hang out with his friends when they are over, without having the little kids annoying them.  He knows it won’t be completely his space as we will have a large sectional, surround sound, and a popcorn machine there for movie nights.  We’ll also have the workout area with treadmills, weights and Bowflex machine, and the game area with foosball and air hockey.  I’ll be happy to enjoy it as well, and to appreciate the end of the project.  I just hope it turns out as well as I see it in my mind.

His late wife, part 2.

I told you before about TK’s late wife and the pictures that were hanging in his house.  Now I’ll fill you in on how that played out.

It took several weeks to actually have a conversation with him about it.  I had wanted to do it face to face, but it seemed like the only time we had alone together was fleeting, and when we did, we were exhausted, or something else had come up…there just never seemed to be a good time.  So a little over a week ago, TK worked late – on Valentine’s Day, no less.  He was supposed to come over to spend the evening/night with me, but it didn’t happen and he was very upset about it.  I told him to just call me when he got off, no matter how late, and I fell asleep.

So he called at 1:30 in the morning on his way home.  We ended up talking for almost 1.5 hours.  We hadn’t seen each other in almost a week, and I just wanted to hear his voice and talk to him about things that you just can’t talk about in texts.  It was during this talk that I felt the need to bring up the pictures.  It had nothing to do with it being Valentine’s Day; it just felt comfortable and as though it was an appropriate moment to talk to him about it.

I started by asking if he missed S.  He was quiet for several moments, and I was beginning to get a bit nervous, but then he said no, that he didn’t miss her at all.  He felt bad that she was missing out on the kids’ lives, and their milestones, but that was all.  That was certainly a load off my mind – I figured as much, but I had to make sure, you know?  Plus, that’s one of the things I had found when I googled it, to start the conversation that way.

Then I reminded him of the night that I was in his house, and asked if he knew how uncomfortable I had been that night.  He said no, he didn’t notice.  I then explained why – that when I had walked into the living room and saw all the pictures of the two of them as a couple, it was a little overwhelming.  Then to see more in the dining room, and tons more in the hall and on the stairs, I just felt like an intruder in their marriage, like an outsider.  And to top it off, when he had took my arm and flipped the switch in the dining room to point out a large picture they’d had signed at their wedding, it was almost more than I could handle.  I told him that I could understand a few pictures of her for the kids’ sake, but these were all pictures of just them as a couple, and barely any pictures of the kids.

And then he was silent for what seemed like an eternity.  Finally, he said that those pictures had been there for so long that they were like pieces of furniture to him, that he didn’t even notice them anymore, BUT that he could see how they would make me uncomfortable and he felt bad about that.  I gently asked the next question, the hardest one: were there any pictures in his room?  His reply?  “Of the kids.”  Silly man.  I told him that he knew exactly what I meant, and he said only pictures of the kids, none of S.  Phew.  Since we have barely even taken a selfie of the two of us together, I don’t expect him to have pics of me in there, but still, I had to make sure what I was up against.

He told me that he is just a clueless guy, that eventually he would have figured it out.  And since then, he has even joked with me a few times about pictures on the walls.  It’s good to know that it means nothing to him and that he respects my feelings on the subject.

One thing that I find odd – that she put all of these pictures of the two of them up, but there were only one picture each of the kids.  I understand he’s a guy and never thought to hang more of the kids’ pictures up, keeping them in his room instead.  But the irony is that their marriage was falling apart even before it began.  It seems perhaps that she was trying to keep the “happier” times in focus by hanging their engagement and wedding photos up, almost like she was either trying to convince him or convince herself that they were happy once. 

I’m sure that once upon a time, they were.  He said the first time he met her, he was head over heels.  But when they met back up three years later, he said she was different, but the differences weren’t quite apparent until after their whirlwind marriage (three months later!).  I think she knew he had fallen for her before, and when her self-esteem needed a boost, she found him again.  She played him and got what she wanted, because he wasn’t aware of the changes she had gone through.  And then after the wedding that she insisted on having so quickly, the issues became apparent, but by then it was too late. 

After the kids came along, things went from bad to worse.  I think it’s likely that she just couldn’t deal with the kids, and kept the pictures of the two of them up as some sort of talisman.  I mean, what mother doesn’t put pics of her babies up on the walls, especially when they were so darned cute?  Nah, someone walking in that house and seeing it the way I did would come to the same conclusion.

I am certainly not trying to condemn a woman who has long passed.  That’s not my intent.  My only goal is to try to understand, because someday the kids are going to have more questions.  TK has been very open with the kids about their mother’s death, and they have all been through counseling.  Yet you can see the kids crave a mother; I see it in their behavior towards me, and in their resistance to discipline.  But I also cannot condone what she did to the kids, that her own actions left them without a mother.  If it were me? I’d either get help or get out, and I guess she got out in the only way she knew how, but in a very selfish way.

Everyone has stuff to deal with in their lives, and you never know what others are going through, or have gone through.  Each of us has our own baggage, and it’s how we handle or carry that baggage that makes us who we are.  I admit I used to carry a lot of it around and lament to my friends about my current state, not realizing that I didn’t have to complain so much.  I finally realized I was not as happy in that situation, and I changed. 

Yes, I changed.  I made up my mind that I would be happy, and I dealt with what I could and let the rest go.  I probably lost a couple of friends who either hadn’t wanted to listen to the crap, or they were ones who fed off the turmoil of others.  In any event, I am better off.  Indifference is a great attitude to have towards some people because that means thoughts of them don’t control you anymore.  I’m not saying that sometimes my exes don’t do something stupid that irritates me (we have kids together so we do still have contact), but I try to deal with it as quickly as I can and go back to living my life and being happy, and so far, it’s working.

At last I have found someone who challenges me, and yet accepts me for who I am.  He has baggage, obviously, but he has dealt with his much as I have done, though I still have to chuckle about the pictures.  We have agreed that the kids can have pictures of their mom in their rooms, but they won’t be on display in the rest of the house when they move in.  After all, it will be a new start for all of us.

The One

When you find the one you are supposed to be with for the rest of your life, I am not entirely certain that everyone experiences the same physical symptoms. I mean, some people claim to feel a shock or jolt when touching the other person for the first time, while others have said they experienced fireworks when they shared their first kiss. Me? Well, it’s complicated, but I can guarantee you TK still gives me butterflies.

You see, I know that my first marriage was NOT to the man of my dreams. It was the next logical step in our relationship, and if I had known then what I know now…blah, blah, blah. Regret is a strong word, but going through experiences in your life are what help you to grow and mature, and it’s not like we get a do-over, you know? So I lived and learned. But no, no fireworks, no shock, nothing. I did get two amazing boys out of it, which was the best part.

The second time around…I thought we were soul mates. He pursued me, it took me a while to come around, and eventually I did fall in love with him. At least the HIM that he was then. I don’t recall butterflies or fireworks, but more of a slow warming over time. And then after the wedding, he became a different person, a person I did not like and eventually could not even stand to be around. He knows even now that he has problems, but until he takes that first step… In any event, I took my lumps and moved on.

When I first saw TK, I was not looking for a boyfriend. Heck, I didn’t even want to get married again. He caught my eye at a ball game, and I obviously caught his several times. After the season was over, I contacted him, and we have been together ever since. That first week was full of emails and texts as we got to know each other. Every time I saw his name on my phone, I got a thrill that he was even responding, let alone seeming interested in me.

We had a lot in common, and had an easy rapport with each other. I couldn’t wait to hear from him again, and we stayed up late texting every night. I couldn’t eat, I was giddy all the time, I always had a smile on my face, I was excited to get out of bed to see if there was a text from him. Yes, I knew it was infatuation, but it was so much fun! I had dated several guys in the last few years but none seriously. And I had spent a lot of time working on myself, so when this happened, I wasn’t expecting it. Yet it seemed so natural, and perfect, and I was enjoying myself immensely.

We arranged for him to come to my house for a date at the end of the first week. I was nervous, but excited. I couldn’t remember ever feeling this way about someone, let alone so quickly. We talked for hours, and I could tell he was somewhat shy – whether because of me or his personality, I wasn’t sure. Then it was so late that it was morning and he said he should probably go home. Because I had been working on getting out of my comfort zone, I leaned over and kissed him. Yes, there were fireworks. Fireworks to go along with the butterflies that had found a home in my tummy from the moment I had laid eyes on him.

I am not one to jump in with both feet, so I did hold myself back and make sure he knew that nothing else was going to happen that night. It wasn’t til a few days later that I found out that he had been experiencing the same “symptoms” I had – the loss of appetite, almost-permanent smile, giddiness, butterflies, etc. Knowing the reaction I was causing in him made me realize that maybe I had met someone who would want to be with me.

I know it’s not that easy – that we don’t just decide to BE with someone after a week. But don’t you ever wonder about those people who get married after only knowing each other a few months? I mean, how could you know enough about that person to commit your life to them? But then I think about what I have been through – two marriages to two men that I dated for two years before the wedding(s).

I am 45 years old. I am pretty sure at this age that I know exactly what I want, especially from what I have had and don’t want to repeat from my past. And it didn’t just happen overnight for me; it took a while. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t just infatuation, though I have read that after 3-6 months, infatuation wanes and if it’s not true love, you’ll know. It’s been seven months now, and we show no signs of slowing down. Granted, if you ask him, he’ll say he knew from Day 1. Maybe I did, too, but I wanted to be careful, I don’t know. He did tell me he loved me first, after about 6 weeks, but I already knew by then, too. Both that I loved him AND that he loved me – I could see it in his eyes.

He told me today that he has been at points in his life where he felt like he had to settle, take what he got and make the best of it. But with me, he doesn’t feel like he has to settle. I am glad. No one should have to settle, although I think we both have in our past lives. I don’t feel like I am settling, either. Far from it…I have found someone who brings out the best in me, and that I want to make happy for the rest of his life.

He still sends shivers down my spine, his kiss can make me melt, seeing his name light up my phone still makes my heart race, and just the thought of him gives me butterflies. In a few months, he and his kids will be moving in with us, and I cannot wait to start our life together. Marriage is not as important to either of us as it probably once was, but we also have not ruled it out. He made a promise to me, and I made the same one to him. I think for two wounded people who eventually find the person that fits all the pieces back together, that is enough. Just be happy.

Baby steps...

Well, I had hoped to talk to TK last week, and it just didn’t happen.  He ended up working all weekend, 12-15 hour days (Super Bowl is their busiest weekend), and I hardly saw him as it was.  When I was able to spend time with him, I had to share with his kids, which I am fine with but it’s not necessarily conducive to a significant conversation about our relationship.

I know we’ll get there…although we are not married, we still have the same struggles that married couples have with trying to find alone time.  It’s made even more difficult by the fact that we live apart.  TK did manage to come over one night last week, after he got his kids to bed, just to be with me.  We were both exhausted, though, and emotionally I was not up to having The conversation with him.  There were more immediate things to discuss, and he needed to vent about work, so it is what it is and I’m okay with that. 

Since we are planning to join households at the end of the school year, we do still have some time to acclimate the kids, and ourselves, to the arrangement.  I am glad we have this time because we need the baby steps.  As I have mentioned before, there is a different structure of discipline to our two households, one that will need to be resolved before we can all live in the same house.  We just need to sit down and talk that through, then include the kids so that they all are on the same page with the rules.

One thing I was able to do last Sunday was to talk to DS3 about the possibility of TK and his children moving in.  I had not done that yet, and unfortunately my hand was forced so I had to make the best of the situation.  To my surprise, DS3 was perfectly fine with it.  He did have a few questions, and asked to take over DS1’s bedroom, which was a surprise to me.  Although it wasn’t the original plan, as soon as I realized he wanted to do it, I knew the bedroom arrangements would then all work out fine – everyone should be happy.  Leave it to the kid to come up with a plan that suits everyone.

Except DS1, that is.  He’s home from college this weekend, and although I had brought it up to him first, back in October, I haven’t discussed it much more with him in recent months.  Mostly because I didn’t even ask TK til January.  I am sure he will be okay with it, and giving up his room to his little brother should be an easier pill to swallow.  He has technically moved out on his own as it is, but I want him to know he is always welcome to come home.

The baby steps have helped to some extent, in my opinion.  I think it’s much better to ease into this gradually, work out the kinks and get everything smoothed out before the big move.  Not that there haven’t been a few struggles in the process - the discipline issue for one.  DS3 has pointed out several incidents he would have gotten in trouble for (which of course DS2 finds hilariously ironic).  But to me it just points to the fact that DS3 does listen to me, and has learned that the rules are important.  But more importantly, he sees the reasoning behind them, like basic good manners.

I try to speak to DS3 when these things happen, explain the situations and how I am dealing with the issues.  Last night, his comment was, “Well, when will it start working??!!”  I understand the frustration of a ten-year-old – patience is not exactly a strong suit of mine.  So it’s even more important that TK and I are able to find time (soon) to discuss these things.  In his defense, he did have a talk with his kids the other night, on their way home from my house.  It appears to have had a small impact, but there are so many more things to get through that Mr. Impatient just can’t see the forest for the trees.  Oh, he is his mother’s son.

We gotta take the baby steps because I want this to work.  I want us to be a family, and so does TK.

Sometimes I don't like to be right...

I had a great time during our vacation, but then something happened. It was a little something, and I let it nag at me and fester and make it into something that was bigger than it needed to be. Still, it ended up having some merit, so I think it was justified. The Sunday night after Christmas, when we were with the kids playing board games, I had noticed that N was texting TK an awful lot. Then she tried to call him twice, and he just ignored her because he was using his phone as a timer. And then his daughter was playing on it so he wasn’t able to check his texts then, either. I was able to push it aside and let it go…that day, at least.

But then on New Year's Eve, N was texting him again…lot. We were sitting on the couch and it was one text after another. And it seemed as though he was turning the phone away like he was trying to hide it from me. That was annoying in light of the “trust” issue we had discussed. But then he told the kids that N said to tell them happy new year, and his daughter asked if he was still mad at her. Um, what is this? He told her no, that N had apologized. I was sitting down next to him and said “What?” and he shrugged and ignored me. What the heck??!!

So yeah, putting that all together and it started bothering me even more…not jealousy, but a niggling intuition-type thing. And then it seemed as though he was not as attentive, not as demonstrative. Ironically, he slept really well for the first time in a long time, while I tossed and turned and stewed all night because I had really wanted to discuss this before bed and it hadn’t happened. Which meant I got virtually no sleep. He did ask how I had slept and I told him I hadn’t slept well at all. He asked why, and when I didn’t answer, he asked if it was because of him. I know he meant because he was in my bed, but I said yes and no. He asked if I wanted to talk about it and I just shook my head.

Even after a little good morning "fun", I felt this depression settling over me that I just couldn’t shake. I went downstairs with him after he got dressed and I was in my robe, to see what the kids wanted to eat. He noticed something was off then and asked if I was okay. I nodded but he could tell something was wrong and he came over and hugged me and asked if I was okay again, I just shrugged and told him I was going to get dressed.

When I came back down, he was playing in the basement with the kids so I just stayed in the kitchen until the bacon was done and he came back upstairs. He asked if I was okay again, and I just shrugged and looked out the window, then shook my head. I had to bite my lip to keep from crying - I hadn't even realized that I had reached that level of emotion about it. He could tell I was upset because he sent the kids in the other room and came over to me and held me. He asked repeatedly to tell him what was wrong, stroked my hair, my face, hugged me more, rubbed my back, and begged me to talk to him. I could tell he was worried the few times he actually made me look him in the eyes.

I finally hugged him again and then I told him how I felt. I said I was okay with him having female friends, but it seemed that N was texting him an awful lot and while that didn’t bother me, it seemed that he was turning his phone away when she did, like he was trying to hide it from me. And with the trust issue we had talked about and trying to rebuild trust, giving the illusion that he was trying to hide something from me bothered me greatly. I also told him that it seemed to drive the point home when I had asked about the conversation the night before and he just blew me off. I told him that I needed to be able to trust him, and it was hard to do in light of all that.

It took him a few minutes before he started talking. He told me that N was going through a mid-life crisis and was driving him crazy with all her texts and drama. (I find this odd considering she is married…why can’t she talk to her husband??!!) He said instead of putting her issues all into one text, she was sending multiple texts, and it was annoying him. He also told me about Sunday night when we were playing games and she got upset about him not answering the phone or responding to the texts. He said it pissed him off, that she got “sensitive” because he wasn’t immediately available.

I asked if she was going to be that way when we were together if he didn’t answer the phone or respond to her texts immediately, and he said he hoped not, that he kind of understood her need to vent, but the drama was just too much and he didn’t like it.  Maybe the drama is about her husband? Maybe she likes TK and he just doesn't realize it? Maybe those vibes I picked up on were real? She eventually apologized to TK, though, about getting angry at him. Still, it bothered me. I told him that he has to tell me these things, and not hide things from me because it makes me not trust him.  I mean, I don't need to know details, but turning the phone away when she texts is not going to win him any points.  He said okay, he would work on that, and not hiding things from me thinking he's protecting me. And I honestly do believe him, and trust him.

And yet, I have my suspicions. Not about TK…no, not at all. He has been nothing but supportive and loving and sweet. I trust him completely. He has been very up front about everything and seems to understand this need I have for being completely open and honest with each other. Ironically enough, there are similarities with #2 and this issue. You see, #2 was having a mid-life crisis, chased down his high school girlfriend, and immediately started pursuing a relationship with her, even while maintaining our marriage. But after I found out, I knew he had feelings for her and continued to, so I was always suspicious while we were trying to build the trust back up. We never did.

I can’t help but think N has feelings for TK – remember those vibes I told you about a month ago? And I think that since TK gave her attention as a friend, she has latched onto that and possibly turned it into more than it is, in her mind, just like #2 did. Granted, eventually the other woman caved to #2 because she didn’t have a good marriage. But TK and I have a great relationship, and we trust each other implicitly. I just hope N doesn’t cross the line.

But now I know more….TK texted that N and her husband had a talk yesterday and they mutually decided to get a divorce. Whoa. I am happy that TK texted me to keep me in the loop – it shows he was paying attention and cares about my feelings, and wants to be open and honest with me.

So, those vibes I picked up about her being single/on the prowl might really have been there. And it is even more likely that she really has attached herself to TK. I’m not saying she has, but all the wondering about what kind of husband would allow his wife to text another man that much… Yeah, it makes much more sense now.  I just hope TK isn’t part of her mid-life crisis, like she’s decided that she wants something different than she already had. God, just like #2 did.

And I will tell you right now – I honestly believe that if she comes on to TK, he will 1) reject her, 2) tell me right away, and 3) I will insist he have nothing further to do with her….because if she was his friend, she should have shown restraint knowing that he was in a serious relationship.

You know, I have been there/done that in more ways than one. I admit that my self-esteem took a hit when I was divorcing #2. Whose wouldn’t? I mean, my husband essentially threw me over for an older woman who had a lot less going for her than I did. (That may sound petty, but in all honesty, it is true.) I had to build myself back up. And the first thing I did was look up some old boyfriends, guys that once liked me for me, and were now single. Yes, it was wrong to look for validation in that way, and although they never realized what I was doing, I think I knew in the back of my mind. It didn’t take long for me to figure out what I was doing and start seeing my counselor again for a healthier way to proceed. I knew I needed to fix myself first, and I did that, and I became happy with myself again.

I understand that N might be reaching out to TK because he shows her attention, albeit only as a friend. Maybe now you can understand why this makes me slightly apprehensive. Again, not because I don’t trust TK, but because I don’t trust her. I don’t even know her!  I'm constantly checking myself to see if I have any feelings of jealousy towards her, and I don't.  Really.  Jealousy stems from insecurity, and if our relationship wasn't as solid as it is, if I truly didn't know how deeply TK feels for me, then yeah, I could see me being a little insecure about her.  But that's not the case.  I am not jealous.  She's more like an irritation to me, if that makes sense. 

So I keep my questions and concerns about her to myself, and absorb any information he passes along and file it away in case I need it later. Who knows? Maybe I am being a bit suspicious for nothing. But if I have learned anything from my past it’s that I should listen to my gut instinct. I could be wrong. But I would kick myself if I were right and I had buried my head in the sand. And I don’t want to be right.

Baby steps

Now that the holidays are over, it’s back to normal in our household. Ha ha, what’s normal??? T and I both took some time off from our jobs and spent a lot of time together, alone and with the kids. Although we didn’t see each other on Christmas Day, we spent time together every other day of his vacation, and it was…wonderful.

On our first day back to work on Thursday, I knew T was busy, but it bothered me a bit when I hardly heard form him all day. I knew my reasoning was because we had spent so much time together over the holidays, that I was afraid he was kinda sick of me and ready for a break. I really didn’t think so, but that’s what happens when no one else is in the office and you are bored out of your mind – you tend to overthink things! I, on the other hand, loved the time we spent together so much that I wanted nothing more than to ask him and his kids to move in with me. (Please hold off on the 2x4s.)

The next day, we texted a bit, and I told him that I try not to bother him when I don’t hear from him because I know he is busy, but that I missed him terribly. He replied that he really missed me, too. And then he told me that he had wondered, or was a little nervous, before vacation that we might spend a lot of time together and maybe we would get sick of one another and need time apart. But that it was the opposite for him. He said he had a taste of something he really enjoyed and he wanted more.

Wow. I don’t know how he does that, but he had read my mind. I told him that I had been worried that I’d be so happy spending time with him and the kids that when vacation was over and I didn’t get to see him as much, that I’d be miserable. And that by not hearing much from him, I was sick with the thought that perhaps he was sick of me. But now I know the truth, and I feel so much better knowing we both feel the same way.

I also asked him what he meant by wanting more. Other than the typical male response which I will not print here, he said more time together, doing day to day stuff, with me, him and the kids. All of us. And both of us. I told him I would absolutely love that, too, and asked how did he see that happening? His response was in reference to the promotion he is in the middle of training for, working towards that goal, and then he said he’d have to give it some thought.

Me, on the other hand…I’m sitting here thinking that the only logical solution is for him and the kids to move in with me (my house is much bigger and nicer than his, so it is also the logical choice). But I don’t want to scare him if he’s not ready to discuss that so I wait. Then he asked if I had any thoughts. I told him that yes, I did, but I was not sure how much to share right now. I told him that I want more than anything for him to succeed, to reach his goal, because he is good at what he does. Beyond that, I, too, want more but that I need to hear what he wants. I KNOW what I want, but it’s not just about me, and I won’t force him into anything.

See, I DO know what I want. I have for quite some time now. And maybe it’s because I am older now and can filter through all the little stuff and see the big picture that I am more willing to accept exactly what I want. Plus, I have tried to live by the mantra that if it’s what you want, you have to go after it because life is just too short! I think he might realize that if I say it to him, but I’ve been waiting for him to come to that conclusion himself. I can be patient.

He also told me that his daughter would like to have sleepovers even when my youngest son is not there, she likes it at my house so much. Awww. So I thought about that some more, and yesterday I sent him a text letting him know that we can have sleepovers every Saturday, if he was okay with that. And he replied YES!! And then he told me he had talked to his daughter and she said that would be awesome! So see, I still get to see him, we get alone time after the kids are in bed, he sleeps better knowing his kids are nearby and he doesn’t have to rush home to them, and we get to be a “family unit”.

That’s where the baby steps come in. Maybe he cannot yet formulate what he wants – he has told me before that he’s slow sometimes but he eventually catches on. I’ll let this ferment in his brain for a while – the whole concept of wanting “more”, having more consistent “sleepovers”, doing more as a family just as we did over vacation. I’m not sure it’s in the realm of more frequent, but it’s at least more than we were doing before vacation. And I hope that this small step will help lead him to decide what he really does want. I think he knows, he just can’t yet say it.

I find it ironic that he was the first to tell me he loved me, and seemed to be all in so much faster than I was, and yet I have already decided what I want. Now I have to be patient and wait for him to figure out what he wants. And yes, I am fairly certain we are on the same page, once he thinks it through. However, I am not a patient person! And I have a constant fear of rejection, even when I come across as confident to everyone else. So that’s why baby steps are the best course of action for now. Stay tuned.

Sometimes it IS the little things...

So my last post was regarding me NOT being jealous (I'm still not, btw).  After I worked through all my feelings regarding the situation, I realized that the majority of them had to do with triggers regarding how my last marriage imploded.  I worked through that, and what I was left with was this:

• I love TK
• I know that he did not intend to hurt me
• I know that although he was dishonest, it was only because he feared my reaction, not because of any infidelity
• I know that my view of the dishonest act was much larger than his was

Now, please don't think that I am condoning that he did not tell me the truth about his "friend", because that is not the case at all.  Matter of fact, he answered every single question with unwavering honesty, repeatedly matching up the facts, so I had no doubt he was telling the truth. 

No, what really drove the point home was the answers he did give.  They were completely innocent.  Not ignorant, but innocent.  By that I mean that he's a guy and he sees things in black and white.  Us girls, we tend to find the grey areas, and sometimes we get mired in the details, when it's actually not that complicated at all.  Then I asked him the one question that turned this whole thing around.

You see, all along I assumed he had not told me about N because he was hiding something.  I mean, seriously, as a girl, what else could there possibly be???  Granted, I had asked that first night if there was anything else about her he had not told me, and he said no - but then he had lied already so why should I trust him?  Another time, I had commented that I still didn't understand why he had kept this from me and he could only answer that he thought I would doubt him.  I was going crazy with the thoughts in my head, thinking that he had not told me because he had a past with her, or he liked her (I highly doubted this but imagination can do strange things), or she liked him....just so many scenarios that I didn't even want to think about.

Ultimately, I am glad that it took us two days to have the time to sit down and talk this through.  But that first day was excruciatingly painful.  I felt like when I did get a text from him, it was like he was talking to his sister, not to ME.  I hated it, but I understood - he didn't know where we stood any longer.  By that night, I had to ask some questions, and he answered them readily.  The next day, I would think of other small questions and ask, and again, he'd answer as quickly as he could.

Then I asked how he would feel if the tables were turned.  Something in his reply struck me, and I responded by telling him that he could ask me anything, that I am an open book.  I also said that I have several guy friends that I text - and that I am assuming N is single because he hasn't said otherwise - but that we don't text that often.  His reply?  "Btw, she's married."

WHAT???  I said, "That would have been nice to know sooner."  And his response?  "I didn't know that was part of the issued."  OMG.  It wasn't - it really doesn't change the simple fact that he lied - but jeez, it would have helped my anxiety over those two days!  But see, that's how we are different than men...he didn't think it made a difference, because he didn't even think about that.  His only concern was that he didn't want me to be upset with him for having a female friend.  That's it.  Totally.  Completely.  Simply.  That one little question that changed everything.

Once I started thinking this through, the light bulb went on.  His former wife (she died five years ago) was the jealous type, and he remembered how she was if he had any female friends.  I guess he assumed I would be the same way, and thought it easier to not tell me.  In his words, he wanted to keep me from getting hurt, but in the process, hurt me more.

My anger was gone by then, the pain was lessening because I realized he truly had my best interests at heart, as mis-guided as they were.  And because it NEVER occured to him how it would look to me, he never thought about it.  Ever.

We talked that night, and honestly, it was not the long talk I had originally thought it would be.  Only a couple of tears from each of us.  And then he told me a story...

I won't go into details, but he told me how he met N at work shortly after his wife died and they became good friends, and how he subsequently got fired from that job.  He said it was hard to tell me this story because it was painfule for him, that there were some things that he did that he's not proud of, and that he was afraid I would judge him because of them, since #2 had also done some of these things.  But the difference is that TK learned and grew from it, whereas #2 keeps doing the same things 5 years later.

I get it now.  The sadness I felt from him was almost too much to bear.  I know they had a strained relationship, but it could not have been easy to deal with that, with such small children.  I gently reminded him that I am not S.  I asked if we were alike in other ways, and he was emphatic when he said, "No, not at all."  And I told him that he shouldn't assume I would have reacted the same way as her in this instance, either.  He promised he would do better, and I believe him.

Again, I don't condone the fact that he lied by omission, but now that I understand more that he was trying to protect me, I have dealt with it.  I told him that I felt as though he didn't trust me enough to tell me, and that bothered me a bit, even after he had already told me that he trusted me with his life.  I did ask that he not lie to me anymore, or that trust might be irrevocably broken. 

People deserve second chances, I truly believe that.  Almost everyone has needed one at some point in their lives because, let's face it, none of us is perfect.  I have forgiven him and we are moving on.  I won't dwell on this any longer, and honestly hope that eventually I can spend more time with N and get to know her.  You can never have enough friends.  :-)

I am not the jealous type...

I am really not. I am pretty confident, and have no reason to be jealous. I feel comfortable in the relationship I am in, enough that I trust him implicitly. Which is quite a feat considering my marriage to #2 ended because he was unfaithful (in addition to the “other” addictions). So why would I be jealous? I have told TK I don’t share, but I think the majority of women out there would back me up on that!

And yet, the last few weeks, something has been niggling at me. It started the Saturday after Thanksgiving. We had spent the day with the kids, and were enjoying snuggling on the couch, when I noticed he had gotten several texts (at least 5) from the same person. I don’t know whether he noticed if I was concerned or not, but he waved his hand towards his phone and mentioned his friend N, which of course is a female name and the first time I had heard her mentioned.

He started chuckling, and said his friend had texted him last week, that he hadn’t heard from her in months, and that he told her about me. She had just texted that she hoped I didn’t hurt him, that she wanted to know when we were moving in together or getting married, and when we did, she wanted to be his best man. I could see all the texts on one side, and no responses from him on the other, so he wasn’t texting her when he was with me – at least not that I had noticed, though occasionally he did turn his phone away slightly, which got me a little wary. The he mentioned his boss asking the same questions the week before, and he was like “it’s on the table but we haven’t even really discussed it yet”.

Now, at the time, I was more caught off guard by this statement than anything else. Whoa. This is the first time this had even been mentioned, other than a question the first week asking if he ever wanted to get married again (answer: yes, he thinks so. Or at least have a LTR with his best friend.) He had freaked his sh*t a bit the one day I mentioned wanting to wake up next to him every day, and he said it was trust issues on his part. Yet, it was okay for him to say the month before that he wanted to come home to me every day. Odd dichotomy there.

Still, I did finally ask him some questions about that and we have opened that discussion. But I digress - that’s not what I wanted to talk about today. Anyway, he had mentioned a 5K that was to be held this past Saturday, and had told me he had run it with her last year. He never really asked if I wanted to run it with him, but it was implied somehow because he brought it up in front of our kids. Okay, so I signed little guy and I up to run it, and sent a discount code to TK to use. He mentioned last weekend that he was signing his kids up – they had said yes, then no, then yes again so I assumed he was adding them on.

Last Thursday night, I offered to pick up his packets because I knew he was working. He said no thanks, he had “people”. Which I laughed at at the time, assuming that meant he was having his dad do it. We hadn’t discussed carpooling to the event, so I finally asked Saturday night if we were. He came back with “Are we?” which immediately got me a tad suspicious. Then he said he was supposed to meet N at the race to get his packets. So I said “If you don’t want to, that’s fine. Just thought I’d check.” To which he replied “Do you want to ride together? Or do you want to meet? I am ok fine either way.” See, this is odd. I thought he’d readily agree to ride with his girlfriend. Now I am getting bothered by this. Why can’t he just tell me what he wants to do???

So I said “I thought we might, but it sounded like you made other plans, so I wasn’t sure what you wanted to do.” Fifteen minutes pass, I am still recovering from pneumonia, it’s late and I am tired, so I send another text: “I gotta go to sleep, baby. Let me know if you want me to come by in the morning or just meet you there.” He said “Okay, baby. Get some rest. I love you. I will talk to you in the morning. Sweet dreams.”

He texted good morning the next day, and I replied “Hi! So what’s the plan?” He says “If you want to swing by, that would be nice. If it’s too late for you, that’s cool too.” Still being non-committal. Ugh. I told him that we were just leaving and we would be there in a few minutes. There, done. It’s not like this is a huge deal either, but it would be stupid for us living so close together to drive separately. Of course, now I know N lives a LOT closer to him than I do, and I can’t help but wonder if they had planned to drive together. And yet, I was pushing these thoughts out of my mind as fast as they came in.

I met her, she seemed nice, but I also noticed that if I was with my son and not near TK, she was right there next to him. If I was with him, she kept her distance. I even tried a little experiment to see if I was imagining this, but I was not…this was definitely happening. After, she gave his kids presents for Christmas, then gave TK a big, long hug behind my car, though I could clearly see them in my rearview mirror. Still, not jealous, but curious, you know? And then she texted him before we even got back to his house, and was texting him when he was at my house for the afternoon/evening. I was getting curiously annoyed now.

Believe me, if you saw this person, you would understand why I am not jealous. She seems nice, but not attractive at all, in my opinion. And I truly believe that TK is not attracted to her at all. BUT, I think she is attracted to HIM, and he is clueless about this…or perhaps he knows and ignores it or has told her he just wants to be friends. I have asked him to clarify that. Interestingly enough, she never spoke to me again that day at the race, though I did overhear her tell his son that she had signed TK and herself up together and paid for his registration. WHAT??? OMG, this just keeps getting better and better! NOT!

In any event, my suspicions got the best of me last night. I had intended to casually ask how long they had been friends, the nature of their past, etc. in a non-threatening way, the next time we were alone together. However, what is it they say about a woman who has been cheated on? She has better detective skills than the FBI! Ha ha, yeah, I learned a lot four years ago. So I googled the race he had run in October, just to see if she might have run it, too. (I found her last name on his Facebook friends list.)

And guess what I found? Yep, they had run it together! Why didn’t he tell me that??? One of the questions I had asked him early on was regarding his idea of a perfect date, and it involved spending a day together, so I had asked if I could kidnap him after the race that day. He had agreed, and he had even texted me when he finished to tell me he was done. I assumed he’d want to go home and shower and rest or see the kids, then we would have the afternoon/evening/night together (he was aware I had booked a hotel room to ensure we had alone time). Well, I waited all afternoon, and by 3:00 I had heard nothing from him. I was quite annoyed by that time. So I texted him, asking if I had misunderstood, weren’t we supposed to spend the day together?

He apologized, saying he had run an errand to get boxes for his daughter’s Halloween costume, and was going home to shower and change and come over. Huh. You mean he hadn’t already showered the mud off??? It just didn’t make for a good start for the date. And if he had told me he had some errands to run first, I would have been fine with it.  It's the lack of communication that bothered me at first.  I tried very hard to put it behind me, and we ended up having a good time, though something just seemed “off”, and I could not put my finger on it. Now, I wonder if it had anything to do with her… God, I hope not.

So I found a way to ask him last night if he had run the race alone. And he said no, with N. At least he was honest about it, then. To me, a lie of omission is still a lie, and one of the worst kinds because you KNOW you are hiding something from the other person, and being deceitful in the process. My stomach clenched and I was nauseous and it hasn’t relented yet.

I asked why he hadn’t told me about it and he said he didn’t really know, never actually thought about it. So then I asked why when he had mentioned N a few weeks ago, he had said he hadn’t heard from her in a few weeks. He responded that he did not recall saying that nor did he know why he would say that. That they don’t get together often but they do talk…well, text.

I responded with his almost exact words from that night because I remember journaling about the whole scenario, though I was focused more on the marriage/living together part. I told him I was not jealous, but I am trying to figure out why he hadn’t told me the whole truth. That I am trying to understand. He finally responded with “It’s stupid. I was uncomfortable with talking about her, because I didn’t want you to doubt me.” Wow. Not only was he hiding this friendship from me, he was uncomfortable talking about her to me?

I told him that I don’t doubt him at all. But I also don’t think he realizes how déjà vu this is for me. And how much it hurts that he felt he had to lie to me instead of telling me the truth. So he responded “Double edged sword. Trying not to hurt you. I hurt you. I realize that and I am sorry. I f*cked up trust. I feel so bad. I am sorry, baby.” But still, it’s not enough. “I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me. I don’t care if you have female friends…unless there’s something I’m missing/don’t know about her in particular.” I got a single word response: No.

I waited a bit, and he went on, “I was constantly doubted in my past, I never came close to cheating. I guess I carry that expectation for doubt with me. That’s not fair to us. I won’t do that anymore.” And a few minutes later, “I’ve never been able to trust anyone with my whole life. I trust you.”

I thought about this, because I appreciated what he was saying. But it was like an olive branch way too soon. I still had questions that needed answered. “I never have, either. And I know you’re not #2 and you’re not planning to live the rest of your life with this “friend”. I’ve worked very hard to be confident in myself, and I have been confident in our relationship for a long time. Did I do or say something to make you think you couldn’t tell me?”

He responded “I don’t know. Maybe your dislike of #2’s actions. I don’t want to be grouped with him, scared to, I think.” Now, this makes no sense. I disliked the fact that #2 cheated! And quite honestly, he actually told me about her in the beginning, about reconnecting with his first girlfriend on Facebook. Of course, then he hid everything after that, but I wouldn’t even begin to compare the two. “I don’t understand. I would never group you with him. I knew something was up with him and I found the evidence. He had something to hide. You didn’t. Please don’t keep things from me because you’re afraid of how I will feel/think/act. It’s 1000x worse to learn the truth later because someone didn’t think I could handle it.” See, that’s disrespectful in my opinion. Do not assume I can’t handle something, that I am too much of a delicate flower. PUHLLEEEEZZZZ! After all I have been through, it’s only made me stronger! I thought he knew what I could handle….but this was probably a projection on his part to sway me a bit.

He came back and told me he made a poor choice, and that he was sorry. I told him I was sorry, too. Then I asked him for something…”I need something from you – I need you to tell me what you want from me, from us, now and in the future. I need to hear it from you. I just need the affirmation right now…” His response was very sweet, “I want us to be together for a very, very long time. I want us to be happy. I want….us.” Then he told me he loved me.

One last thing I had to ask – was I wrong about what I thought he’d said that Saturday night regarding N? He replied, “Sometimes we don’t see or talk for long periods, but we text, sometimes just hi bye, every few days.” Well that was a punch to the solar plexus, and not what I meant at all. Wow. I don’t even text my BFF that often. Wait, I thought TK was my BFF now. Apparently he’s already filled the slot. If they text that much, then again, why has he never mentioned her to me??? I so badly want to read these texts, but then, I know I really don’t. I don’t think I can take it, not if they are like the ones I have “discovered” in the past.

I decide to skip over this for now. “Oh, though that’s not what I meant. You told me earlier that what I remembered you saying that night you wouldn’t have said. So is my recall that bad or was you telling me that part of the lie?” Was that harsh? Maybe, but it’s to the point and at this point, I am so sick of beating around the bush. Just freaking tell me the truth!! Then I added, “Is there anything else I need to know? I’m not trying to hurt you, I just want to rip the bandaid off now if there is.”

“I don’t recall saying that. I don’t know why I would. That was not part of a lie. If you remember me saying it, then I guess I did.” OMG, I think I am going to scream. Quit making it sound like I am crazy and not remembering what you said!!! No, I didn’t say those things, but they went through my head. He then sent another text, “I got fired once. It was one of the greatest things that ever happened to me.”

Now, let’s address this last statement. I told him early on that I was fired from my job last year, and explained the circumstances. He never once told me, even with ample opportunity, about his own termination. So while this statement wasn’t what I had in mind, I was caught off guard yet again. When actually what I was wanting was confirmation that this relationship with N held no more surprises for me. I texted back “???” because I wasn’t entirely sure why he was telling me about getting fired, or if he was trying to be funny, but he must have fallen asleep because I didn’t hear from him again last night.

This morning, after a sleepless night, I texted at 9:15 to tell him I was struggling today. Almost an hour later, he asked if he could do anything, and said he was sorry that he passed out on me last night. (Yeah, me, too.) It took me almost an hour to compose a text that did not have any barbs in it, because I was going through the anger phase and just felt like lashing out. Which is when I turned to my journal, to help prevent that. Finally, I sent “We need to talk. I still have questions, and I will need reassurance. I need to know what your relationship is and has been so I don’t get any more surprises.” It took him an hour to compose: “Ok”.

Now, I love my boyfriend, I really do. And I know that he really, truly loves me and cares about me. Right now, we are in the kind of relationship where I can tell he is all-in, hook, line and sinker, you know? He’s not going anywhere, no doubts, etc. And I’m the one who’s held just a tiny bit back, afraid of getting hurt, I guess. Though maybe I am more all-in that I thought I was, because this really hurts.

Ultimately, it’s the lack of trust he had in me, that he felt he had to hide this relationship from me, that hurts the most. It’s disrespectful, in my opinion. Just give me the benefit of the doubt, that I am not like the other women he has been with. I thought I had made that abundantly clear, and shown him every day. So what went wrong? That’s what I need to figure out, so I can start to fix this.

I know that a lot of the feelings I had last night were because of the trigger of this happening, how it seemed like it was the same thing all over again. But there are differences and that’s what I have needed to focus on. I had to work through a lot of that already this morning, which was easier because he wasn’t around, but hard because I have had no sleep, had to get the kids off to school without them knowing anything was amiss, and then go to work. So I sit here now thinking that a nap sounds really good, but I need to run to the store, and then cook dinner. Find/wrap a present for the white elephant gift exchange tomorrow. Help Sam make a present for his dad. And a card. Ugh.

My heart hurts, it’s heavy, and I am sad, but it’s not as bad as it was this morning. This could be a good opportunity for us. I am trying to look at the positives, but it is very difficult when you feel this way. I don’t want to just resign myself to giving in because I want to be with him, and I honestly don’t think I am. No, he has some tough questions to answer, ones that I might not want to hear the answers to. But then I think about how clueless he has seemed about some of this, and truly I feel he has no feelings for her other than as a platonic friend. I just need to hear that from him, need that reassurance…rinse, repeat.

No, I am not the jealous type but what’s mine is mine. And when I get lied to, all bets are off. The truth shall set you free? The truth shall be always what I want to hear, and I will never ask a question that I am not prepared to hear the answer to. As much as it might hurt at the moment, it’s better than finding out I was still being misled. So yes, it shall set you free.

As far as N?  I am not going to insist he quit being friends with her, but I will insist that he tell me when they spend time together.  I don't know how much of it I can do, though.  Whenever she texts him, I can imagine how it will make me feel, knowing that he had that from me.  And it will be a constant reminder.  I won't ask him to not text her, but I sure hope he offers to end that friendship.  A friend of mine had a very similar thing happen, and her bf did offer to give her peace of mind.  It's the least TK could do for me, but ultimately, he has to decide what he wants.

A little flash of jealousy?

Interestingly enough, I have never been the jealous type. There have been moments where if I had not been secure in the knowledge of how I felt about myself and my relationship (at the time), I could easily have turned into a green-eyed monster (the fact that I have green eyes not withstanding). But when I enter a committed relationship, that’s how I see it – from both sides. I expect both of us to be faithful, so harmless flirting aimed at my partner means nothing to me. I am confident, but a little too much attention thrown his way and I might have to say something.

This past Saturday, TK and I were sitting on the couch while the kids played board games in the other room. He received about 5-6 text messages in a row, and I assumed they were from work. I happened to glance over and see a name at the top of the screen, with all the text messages from “her” down the left, though no responses sent from him. And I got this feeling, irrational as it was, in the pit of my stomach. I recognized it immediately, and then felt ashamed. But I get it now. And I didn’t like it at all. I am as confident in myself as I ever have been, moreso even. I am an observant sort, being a scientist and all, and I KNOW I have never heard that name mentioned before. I thought perhaps it was work, sending him texts regarding some issue they were having, so I told myself to stop feeling that way. I had no reason to. I mean, he was with me, loves me, is committed to me, had just spent the entire day with me and my son, and didn’t want to leave. I should be thrilled, so I stopped. And then he told me about her.

Apparently, this is someone he used to work with years ago, and they were good friends but he hadn’t heard from her in months. She had texted him last week out of the blue, and so he had told her about me. She was texting to tell him that she hoped it worked out, that she didn’t want to see him get hurt, that I better take care of him (um, what? Who is this person?), and that when he gets married, she wants to be the best man!! OMG!! It was almost more than I could take. The M word has not fallen from our lips till he dropped it right then, and I was kinda shocked. She had asked if we were going to live together if we weren’t getting married right away, and I now wonder how much and exactly what he has told her!

The jealousy flew right out the window, though not without a thought that perhaps she had a thing for him at one point and it was not reciprocated. I mean, why be so protective? My brother and cousin might act that way, because my cousin is like my brother, and guys do that, especially relatives. But not this way around, not usually. (Plus I looked her up on Facebook – yeah, no need to be jealous at all.)

In any event, he then proceeds to tell me that his boss was asking the same things last week. His response was that it was on the table, that we hadn’t even really discussed it, and that they needed to stop pushing and give us time to talk about it. Again, I wonder how much he has told his boss! It seems that he has discussed more with these people than with me. But, then again, I have done the same thing in talking with my girlfriends…it’s what us girls do! We think out loud over lunch or drinks because our friends help us put things into perspective. I guess men do it, too? Guess it makes sense.

Let me mention something here. A few months ago, TK told me one night that he sometimes fantasizes about coming home to me every night…talking, cooking dinner, doing chores, watching television, that sort of thing. I understood that to mean that we’d at least have to be living together for that to happen, and probably why he hedged it by asking if it was okay if he told me something, wanting to prepare me for something…he didn’t want me to get antsy like I had with the girlfriend label (it had only been a week, okay???!!!). And I told him that would be lovely. It stopped there, but at least we were taking baby steps, right?

A month later, I mention to him in a text that I would love to wake up next to him every day. He made a joke, and I said I was serious, and…crickets. Finally, he responded that it sounded nice but to be honest, it scared him. He said it was probably due to trust issues he had to deal with, and nothing to do with me. Which I can relate to, because that’s my stance on marriage at this point. A few weeks later, I brought this up again, and he told me that it had sounded like a marriage proposal at the time and it freaked him out a little. Really? And I said, “So it’s okay for you to bring these things up but not for me? That’s not fair. And that’s what you had implied two months ago with wanting to come home to me every night.” He then told me that that was “a while ago” and he doesn’t feel that way anymore, he knows what he wants now. Well, okay, but I am still not going to be the one to start this discussion…I need to know that he’s ready because it didn’t go any further that night.

So now that you know where we stood on living together and marriage up til this past Saturday, you can imagine I was quite surprised to find out he had been thinking about it, let alone talking about it! And once the shock wore off (though I think I managed to keep a poker face!), I asked if that’s what he wanted, eventually. And he said yes, that’s what he would eventually like. I didn’t ask which – moving in or marriage – but figure it’s bound to come up again soon.

And I am soooo not jealous anymore. :-) Maybe a little scared, extraordinarily happy, but NOT jealous!!