Are you familiar with the Five Love Languages? It’s a book that outlines how we each speak a certain “love language”, that we respond best to that language we are attuned to the most. Some of us may have more than one language, some may only have one. In any event, to prevent discord and have the most harmonious relationship, Dr. Chapman suggests that you learn your partner’s love language, what makes them tick, what they respond best to.
Let me give you an example. I personally have several, but I respond best to Touch and Words of Affirmation. Quality Time is a very close third. I could care less about Gifts or Deeds or Services. I have been this way for a long time, and knew this before I ever met #2. But #2 had some narcissistic need to give me things – all the time! At Christmas, I almost always had more gifts than my kids – combined! It was crazy! I would tell him to stop, to not buy me so much, but he just couldn’t. Perhaps that was his love language or else it was his perverse need to show off that we could afford such things. I always gave him things he wanted and he loved everything I did give him, but I didn’t go to excess. And he bought me flowers several times a week, which at first was very sweet. Until he made it seem like it was a chore, that he had to get me flowers and then he’d bring them home and throw them on the counter and say “Look what I got you, aren’t you going to put them in water before they die?” Not exactly a loving gesture now, was it?
I also did a lot for #2, because I realized in the beginning he tried to do that for me. I honestly didn’t appreciate it because I was independent, but I think it was one of his languages, so I tried to “speak” it for him. I never got upset when he did things, but I did have to tell him to stop several times, to no avail. Now, this isn’t why our marriage didn’t work out. You’d have to read the “A little background on the insecurity issue” (http://anewbeginning68.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-little-background-on-insecurity-issue.html) for that story.
I have become even more in tune with what I want, and try to be more aware of what language my partner speaks. I have already started talking to TK about his love language(s), and his are remarkably similar to mine, which helps explain why we are able to express ourselves so easily to each other. I have told him to only give me flowers on special occasions if at all, though I consented to him bringing me a single rose on occasion if that’s what he wants to do, and he’s okay with that.
Last week, the topic of Christmas came up and I told him I didn’t want him to buy me anything for Christmas. His response? “Okay, but you can’t buy me anything, either.” Deal. But his next words swept me off my feet all over again because it was exactly what I was thinking - “Know what I want? To spend an entire day with you, just the two of us, and the night, too.” You see, quality time ranks pretty high for him, as well. Touch is high on his list, so I can’t honestly say which is his primary language, if there is one. I haven’t asked, though apparently I am doing something right. But it’s a topic I intend to bring up soon.
We don’t get to see each other much if you haven’t figured that out, and “alone time” is even more fleeting for us. He has been working 80-90 hours a week, and he has two little people that call him dad that don’t have a mom, so they get first dibs on him. I understand and respect that, but it is so hard sometimes! We are gradually carving out time for just the two of us, and spending more time together with the kids - maybe once a week or every other week, we do things with the three younger ones. (The teen is usually working, doing homework or hanging out with his friends, but I do get one-on-one time with him each week.) Even when we do the family things, the two of us still touch, whisper, talk, laugh, kiss, hold hands...it’s just that at the end of the day, he and the kids go to their house and us to ours.
It’s not like we want to pretend we’re single and childless. No, nothing like that. But when you only see each other twice a week – maybe – and even then it’s after his kids are in bed and he can get away to my house…you can understand what it might be like. Even when I was married, I insisted on date night every two weeks so that we had “couple time”. I still want that. TK’s schedule lately is pretty hairy and we might be lucky to get half a day to spend together, but we will try.
I have vacation coming up in exactly 18 days…I cannot wait! I will have 9.5 days off, and I will have three entire days with no children in my home! Well, except now that the college student told me he will be home for two of them…. Okay, I can deal. I’m down to one day with no kids! And TK is taking a week off, so as long as that one day is covered, I am happy! Even so, any of the other two days work for me, too, since the college student’s girlfriend will also be in town at her dad’s and they will be together most of the time. I will just be the one he comes to when he’s hungry or needs gas money. Figures. :-/
Can you tell I am looking forward to my first real vacation in over a year??? Need me some Quality Time!!
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