Sometimes it IS the little things...

So my last post was regarding me NOT being jealous (I'm still not, btw).  After I worked through all my feelings regarding the situation, I realized that the majority of them had to do with triggers regarding how my last marriage imploded.  I worked through that, and what I was left with was this:

• I love TK
• I know that he did not intend to hurt me
• I know that although he was dishonest, it was only because he feared my reaction, not because of any infidelity
• I know that my view of the dishonest act was much larger than his was

Now, please don't think that I am condoning that he did not tell me the truth about his "friend", because that is not the case at all.  Matter of fact, he answered every single question with unwavering honesty, repeatedly matching up the facts, so I had no doubt he was telling the truth. 

No, what really drove the point home was the answers he did give.  They were completely innocent.  Not ignorant, but innocent.  By that I mean that he's a guy and he sees things in black and white.  Us girls, we tend to find the grey areas, and sometimes we get mired in the details, when it's actually not that complicated at all.  Then I asked him the one question that turned this whole thing around.

You see, all along I assumed he had not told me about N because he was hiding something.  I mean, seriously, as a girl, what else could there possibly be???  Granted, I had asked that first night if there was anything else about her he had not told me, and he said no - but then he had lied already so why should I trust him?  Another time, I had commented that I still didn't understand why he had kept this from me and he could only answer that he thought I would doubt him.  I was going crazy with the thoughts in my head, thinking that he had not told me because he had a past with her, or he liked her (I highly doubted this but imagination can do strange things), or she liked him....just so many scenarios that I didn't even want to think about.

Ultimately, I am glad that it took us two days to have the time to sit down and talk this through.  But that first day was excruciatingly painful.  I felt like when I did get a text from him, it was like he was talking to his sister, not to ME.  I hated it, but I understood - he didn't know where we stood any longer.  By that night, I had to ask some questions, and he answered them readily.  The next day, I would think of other small questions and ask, and again, he'd answer as quickly as he could.

Then I asked how he would feel if the tables were turned.  Something in his reply struck me, and I responded by telling him that he could ask me anything, that I am an open book.  I also said that I have several guy friends that I text - and that I am assuming N is single because he hasn't said otherwise - but that we don't text that often.  His reply?  "Btw, she's married."

WHAT???  I said, "That would have been nice to know sooner."  And his response?  "I didn't know that was part of the issued."  OMG.  It wasn't - it really doesn't change the simple fact that he lied - but jeez, it would have helped my anxiety over those two days!  But see, that's how we are different than men...he didn't think it made a difference, because he didn't even think about that.  His only concern was that he didn't want me to be upset with him for having a female friend.  That's it.  Totally.  Completely.  Simply.  That one little question that changed everything.

Once I started thinking this through, the light bulb went on.  His former wife (she died five years ago) was the jealous type, and he remembered how she was if he had any female friends.  I guess he assumed I would be the same way, and thought it easier to not tell me.  In his words, he wanted to keep me from getting hurt, but in the process, hurt me more.

My anger was gone by then, the pain was lessening because I realized he truly had my best interests at heart, as mis-guided as they were.  And because it NEVER occured to him how it would look to me, he never thought about it.  Ever.

We talked that night, and honestly, it was not the long talk I had originally thought it would be.  Only a couple of tears from each of us.  And then he told me a story...

I won't go into details, but he told me how he met N at work shortly after his wife died and they became good friends, and how he subsequently got fired from that job.  He said it was hard to tell me this story because it was painfule for him, that there were some things that he did that he's not proud of, and that he was afraid I would judge him because of them, since #2 had also done some of these things.  But the difference is that TK learned and grew from it, whereas #2 keeps doing the same things 5 years later.

I get it now.  The sadness I felt from him was almost too much to bear.  I know they had a strained relationship, but it could not have been easy to deal with that, with such small children.  I gently reminded him that I am not S.  I asked if we were alike in other ways, and he was emphatic when he said, "No, not at all."  And I told him that he shouldn't assume I would have reacted the same way as her in this instance, either.  He promised he would do better, and I believe him.

Again, I don't condone the fact that he lied by omission, but now that I understand more that he was trying to protect me, I have dealt with it.  I told him that I felt as though he didn't trust me enough to tell me, and that bothered me a bit, even after he had already told me that he trusted me with his life.  I did ask that he not lie to me anymore, or that trust might be irrevocably broken. 

People deserve second chances, I truly believe that.  Almost everyone has needed one at some point in their lives because, let's face it, none of us is perfect.  I have forgiven him and we are moving on.  I won't dwell on this any longer, and honestly hope that eventually I can spend more time with N and get to know her.  You can never have enough friends.  :-)