A Mother's Day Weekend I Will Never Forget

I can’t even begin to describe the emotions I went through this weekend. With DS1 graduating college Saturday, I was on top of the world. I was so happy for him to reach this milestone in his life. He worked hard for it, in spite of all of the obstacles put in his way, and I am so proud of him for overcoming all he did to get here. I got a huge hug from him after his graduation, and neither of us wanted to let go.  And then seeing his comment on Facebook after his graduation party just made my day all over again: Oh I can't forget my momma for helping me get through these last 21+ years.  I just love my little boy!

Then he came home after the party because it was Mother’s Day the next day. Saturday night he went to the store and bought a card (I am assuming he had forgotten), and then all three boys went and got me flowers Sunday morning. T made me quiche for breakfast, and had flowers delivered later that day. And then that evening I opened cards and gifts from the boys, and two cards from T because he couldn’t choose between them so he bought them both. Awww. And DS3 gave me lots of hugs and told me how much he loved me. My heart was full.

DS2 had forgotten to get me a card, so he wrote me a note instead, and it brought me to tears. I started to read it but had to stop because I was crying. He even told me I didn’t have to read it right then, which was good because each time I tried, I started tearing up again. Here’s what he wrote:

You are the coolest, supportiveingest, best ever, lovingist, awesome mom in the world…but everything I just said, all those words I just made up, will never be enough for me to truly convey how amazing you are. I know I don’t tell you enough how much I love you or how much you mean to me, but I consider myself, and J and S, to be the luckiest sons in the world to have such an extraordinary mom. You’ve been there for each of us through everything and you are without a doubt the strongest person I know. You’ve been through a lot of crap and we’ve put you through a lot, ya know, money pits and all, but I know that I speak for all three of us in saying that I’m extremely grateful for all that you do. Every single thing. I’m so incredibly proud to call such a fantastic woman my mom. I’m just so proud of you. You’ve raised us almost entirely by yourself and we’ve all turned out fine (mostly…) You freaking ran 13.1 miles! That’s so awesome! I still wish I could’ve been there to see that. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you knew how happy I am to have you. You’re my favorite person in the world and I don’t know where/what I would be without you. I love you, Mom. Happy Mother’s Day. M

That right there….that’s what it’s all about. All of those years of dealing with my ex, all the crap I have had to put up with, taking the high road, trying to be strong, trying to hold the kids up and not let them see what a world class jerk their father was/is, making sure they did all that they were supposed to do and raise them right and to be moral, respectful people…all of that. All the things that I wasn’t sure I was even doing right came down to a 24-hour period when it came back to me in spades.

People tell you things when you are a divorced parent, about how to not disparage the other parent, to try to co-parent by always thinking of the kids first, to not fight in front of the kids, to not use the kids as go-betweens. Yeah, I did all of those things. But quite honestly, it drove me insane how people would judge me by STILL acting as though they had the right to speak to me like I didn’t already know that, as though I had any control over the other parent. He did what he pleased,, almost the opposite of what I would say or do. It didn't matter. And yet the kids KNOW things aren't right.

Often times it was his family who would say these things – “I see this all the time in my job, how the parents arguing is affecting the kid, and you two need to put your differences aside.” Or “You both need to work this out.”  Or “You can’t put the kids in the middle. You have to do what’s best for them.” Just who did these people think they were to give advice to ME? Because guess where they were getting their information from???

It didn’t take too long for the first one to figure out that his brother was lying to him. It took a little longer for the second one, but once he lied to his dad in the most egregious way possible, it put a scar on their relationship that still exists today, 13 years later. The third one was his mother. Now, I understand that motherly bond runs deep, and she did come around for a while. But then she started “drinking the KoolAid” again after several years, and I finally had to tell her that if she was going to listen to the lies he was telling her and then repeat them to my children (who were teenagers by then) and they KNEW the truth, then she needed to be prepared to deal with their feelings regarding those issues. Needless to say, her relationship with her grandsons has suffered somewhat in the last few years.

And you know what? I am indifferent. She made a choice and she has to live with it. I can see that it is hurting her, but I think she may be slowly coming around. She missed DS1’s college graduation due to the threat of thunderstorms and she didn’t feel comfortable driving 2 hours if they were to come to fruition (they didn’t). No one from that side of the family was there or attended the graduation party. How sad for them. DS1 was unconcerned – he is past their issues.

DS2’s high school graduation is this weekend and she swears that she will make it to that – though it is twice as far for her to drive and the threat for severe weather is just as strong. Neither of her grandsons is holding out hope that she will show – because of the family history, they are thinking that their father is having some influence over her. I hope that is not the case and the she has reached an age of maturity (finally!) and will do her best to be there for her grandkids. Because I would bet DS2’s entire college tuition that his father will not be.

The irony in all of this? Not sure there is any, but the ex is such a narcissist that he thinks he has a right to be at both graduations. And perhaps he does - he did have to pay half of DS1's college tuition per court order. But he did not help raise my boys. He merely donated some sperm to create these human beings, but he has done nothing to mold them into the young men they are today. And they are NOTHING like him. I want them to know that because they don’t want to be like him. They don’t like him. They say he is a crappy person, a horrible father, and a bully.And they are right.

DS2 asks why his dad thinks he deserves to be at his graduation when he abandoned him when he was three years old.  I explained that because in his mind he still doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He hasn’t come to terms with, and probably never will, the fact that in the boys’ minds he walked out on them, moved half way across the country, and didn’t talk to them for almost three months. And then when he did, he told them lies. And then he only contacted them sporadically. He finds it easier to blame me, and the boys for not calling him, than to accept accountability for his actions. He still holds onto that. Even when he came here to run the race that DS2 mentioned, that DS1 attended with me and his dad ran right by him without knowing it, he still had an excuse for not contacting the boys that weekend. The excuses eventually fell on deaf ears, as they had on my years before.

I told DS2 that he thinks it’s his right that as their father, he deserves to be there. And we aren’t telling him he can’t attend, just that the reserved tickets were going to be used by me, DS1 and DS3 and that DS2 had given his last ticket to a friend with a very large family. The ex countered that he thought DS2 got 6 tickets and expected 3 to be set aside for his family, but I pointed out that he was looking at a different high school’s website, one that DS2 did NOT attend (shows how much he knows about his son that he doesn't even know which high school he attends, and he's on the email list!). Also, DS2 was free to do with his tickets as he wished as he was an adult (he’s 18), and he said that his dad could attend and view in the overflow gym. But he asked this his father not attempt to speak to him or make a scene at graduation. We haven’t heard from him since. Nor did DS1 after telling him he wasn’t welcome at the after party being held at my sister's house.

DS1 has quoted Will Smith on Facebook: If you’re absent during my struggle, don’t expect to be present during my success. I think that speaks volumes. So to me the irony is in those things everyone said to me, how I should act, what I should do. I did those things, but I raised my boys by myself. AND THEY TURNED OUT GREAT!  The Facebook post and that note from DS2 – those were so worth the last 21+ years. Four years ago was a defining moment, when the older boys told me to stop taking the high road because they knew their dad was a POS and I didn’t need to cover for him anymore. This weekend, my boys showed me how much my actions, my love, means to them, and I will NEVER forget it.

I am not the jealous type...

I am really not. I am pretty confident, and have no reason to be jealous. I feel comfortable in the relationship I am in, enough that I trust him implicitly. Which is quite a feat considering my marriage to #2 ended because he was unfaithful (in addition to the “other” addictions). So why would I be jealous? I have told TK I don’t share, but I think the majority of women out there would back me up on that!

And yet, the last few weeks, something has been niggling at me. It started the Saturday after Thanksgiving. We had spent the day with the kids, and were enjoying snuggling on the couch, when I noticed he had gotten several texts (at least 5) from the same person. I don’t know whether he noticed if I was concerned or not, but he waved his hand towards his phone and mentioned his friend N, which of course is a female name and the first time I had heard her mentioned.

He started chuckling, and said his friend had texted him last week, that he hadn’t heard from her in months, and that he told her about me. She had just texted that she hoped I didn’t hurt him, that she wanted to know when we were moving in together or getting married, and when we did, she wanted to be his best man. I could see all the texts on one side, and no responses from him on the other, so he wasn’t texting her when he was with me – at least not that I had noticed, though occasionally he did turn his phone away slightly, which got me a little wary. The he mentioned his boss asking the same questions the week before, and he was like “it’s on the table but we haven’t even really discussed it yet”.

Now, at the time, I was more caught off guard by this statement than anything else. Whoa. This is the first time this had even been mentioned, other than a question the first week asking if he ever wanted to get married again (answer: yes, he thinks so. Or at least have a LTR with his best friend.) He had freaked his sh*t a bit the one day I mentioned wanting to wake up next to him every day, and he said it was trust issues on his part. Yet, it was okay for him to say the month before that he wanted to come home to me every day. Odd dichotomy there.

Still, I did finally ask him some questions about that and we have opened that discussion. But I digress - that’s not what I wanted to talk about today. Anyway, he had mentioned a 5K that was to be held this past Saturday, and had told me he had run it with her last year. He never really asked if I wanted to run it with him, but it was implied somehow because he brought it up in front of our kids. Okay, so I signed little guy and I up to run it, and sent a discount code to TK to use. He mentioned last weekend that he was signing his kids up – they had said yes, then no, then yes again so I assumed he was adding them on.

Last Thursday night, I offered to pick up his packets because I knew he was working. He said no thanks, he had “people”. Which I laughed at at the time, assuming that meant he was having his dad do it. We hadn’t discussed carpooling to the event, so I finally asked Saturday night if we were. He came back with “Are we?” which immediately got me a tad suspicious. Then he said he was supposed to meet N at the race to get his packets. So I said “If you don’t want to, that’s fine. Just thought I’d check.” To which he replied “Do you want to ride together? Or do you want to meet? I am ok fine either way.” See, this is odd. I thought he’d readily agree to ride with his girlfriend. Now I am getting bothered by this. Why can’t he just tell me what he wants to do???

So I said “I thought we might, but it sounded like you made other plans, so I wasn’t sure what you wanted to do.” Fifteen minutes pass, I am still recovering from pneumonia, it’s late and I am tired, so I send another text: “I gotta go to sleep, baby. Let me know if you want me to come by in the morning or just meet you there.” He said “Okay, baby. Get some rest. I love you. I will talk to you in the morning. Sweet dreams.”

He texted good morning the next day, and I replied “Hi! So what’s the plan?” He says “If you want to swing by, that would be nice. If it’s too late for you, that’s cool too.” Still being non-committal. Ugh. I told him that we were just leaving and we would be there in a few minutes. There, done. It’s not like this is a huge deal either, but it would be stupid for us living so close together to drive separately. Of course, now I know N lives a LOT closer to him than I do, and I can’t help but wonder if they had planned to drive together. And yet, I was pushing these thoughts out of my mind as fast as they came in.

I met her, she seemed nice, but I also noticed that if I was with my son and not near TK, she was right there next to him. If I was with him, she kept her distance. I even tried a little experiment to see if I was imagining this, but I was not…this was definitely happening. After, she gave his kids presents for Christmas, then gave TK a big, long hug behind my car, though I could clearly see them in my rearview mirror. Still, not jealous, but curious, you know? And then she texted him before we even got back to his house, and was texting him when he was at my house for the afternoon/evening. I was getting curiously annoyed now.

Believe me, if you saw this person, you would understand why I am not jealous. She seems nice, but not attractive at all, in my opinion. And I truly believe that TK is not attracted to her at all. BUT, I think she is attracted to HIM, and he is clueless about this…or perhaps he knows and ignores it or has told her he just wants to be friends. I have asked him to clarify that. Interestingly enough, she never spoke to me again that day at the race, though I did overhear her tell his son that she had signed TK and herself up together and paid for his registration. WHAT??? OMG, this just keeps getting better and better! NOT!

In any event, my suspicions got the best of me last night. I had intended to casually ask how long they had been friends, the nature of their past, etc. in a non-threatening way, the next time we were alone together. However, what is it they say about a woman who has been cheated on? She has better detective skills than the FBI! Ha ha, yeah, I learned a lot four years ago. So I googled the race he had run in October, just to see if she might have run it, too. (I found her last name on his Facebook friends list.)

And guess what I found? Yep, they had run it together! Why didn’t he tell me that??? One of the questions I had asked him early on was regarding his idea of a perfect date, and it involved spending a day together, so I had asked if I could kidnap him after the race that day. He had agreed, and he had even texted me when he finished to tell me he was done. I assumed he’d want to go home and shower and rest or see the kids, then we would have the afternoon/evening/night together (he was aware I had booked a hotel room to ensure we had alone time). Well, I waited all afternoon, and by 3:00 I had heard nothing from him. I was quite annoyed by that time. So I texted him, asking if I had misunderstood, weren’t we supposed to spend the day together?

He apologized, saying he had run an errand to get boxes for his daughter’s Halloween costume, and was going home to shower and change and come over. Huh. You mean he hadn’t already showered the mud off??? It just didn’t make for a good start for the date. And if he had told me he had some errands to run first, I would have been fine with it.  It's the lack of communication that bothered me at first.  I tried very hard to put it behind me, and we ended up having a good time, though something just seemed “off”, and I could not put my finger on it. Now, I wonder if it had anything to do with her… God, I hope not.

So I found a way to ask him last night if he had run the race alone. And he said no, with N. At least he was honest about it, then. To me, a lie of omission is still a lie, and one of the worst kinds because you KNOW you are hiding something from the other person, and being deceitful in the process. My stomach clenched and I was nauseous and it hasn’t relented yet.

I asked why he hadn’t told me about it and he said he didn’t really know, never actually thought about it. So then I asked why when he had mentioned N a few weeks ago, he had said he hadn’t heard from her in a few weeks. He responded that he did not recall saying that nor did he know why he would say that. That they don’t get together often but they do talk…well, text.

I responded with his almost exact words from that night because I remember journaling about the whole scenario, though I was focused more on the marriage/living together part. I told him I was not jealous, but I am trying to figure out why he hadn’t told me the whole truth. That I am trying to understand. He finally responded with “It’s stupid. I was uncomfortable with talking about her, because I didn’t want you to doubt me.” Wow. Not only was he hiding this friendship from me, he was uncomfortable talking about her to me?

I told him that I don’t doubt him at all. But I also don’t think he realizes how déjà vu this is for me. And how much it hurts that he felt he had to lie to me instead of telling me the truth. So he responded “Double edged sword. Trying not to hurt you. I hurt you. I realize that and I am sorry. I f*cked up trust. I feel so bad. I am sorry, baby.” But still, it’s not enough. “I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me. I don’t care if you have female friends…unless there’s something I’m missing/don’t know about her in particular.” I got a single word response: No.

I waited a bit, and he went on, “I was constantly doubted in my past, I never came close to cheating. I guess I carry that expectation for doubt with me. That’s not fair to us. I won’t do that anymore.” And a few minutes later, “I’ve never been able to trust anyone with my whole life. I trust you.”

I thought about this, because I appreciated what he was saying. But it was like an olive branch way too soon. I still had questions that needed answered. “I never have, either. And I know you’re not #2 and you’re not planning to live the rest of your life with this “friend”. I’ve worked very hard to be confident in myself, and I have been confident in our relationship for a long time. Did I do or say something to make you think you couldn’t tell me?”

He responded “I don’t know. Maybe your dislike of #2’s actions. I don’t want to be grouped with him, scared to, I think.” Now, this makes no sense. I disliked the fact that #2 cheated! And quite honestly, he actually told me about her in the beginning, about reconnecting with his first girlfriend on Facebook. Of course, then he hid everything after that, but I wouldn’t even begin to compare the two. “I don’t understand. I would never group you with him. I knew something was up with him and I found the evidence. He had something to hide. You didn’t. Please don’t keep things from me because you’re afraid of how I will feel/think/act. It’s 1000x worse to learn the truth later because someone didn’t think I could handle it.” See, that’s disrespectful in my opinion. Do not assume I can’t handle something, that I am too much of a delicate flower. PUHLLEEEEZZZZ! After all I have been through, it’s only made me stronger! I thought he knew what I could handle….but this was probably a projection on his part to sway me a bit.

He came back and told me he made a poor choice, and that he was sorry. I told him I was sorry, too. Then I asked him for something…”I need something from you – I need you to tell me what you want from me, from us, now and in the future. I need to hear it from you. I just need the affirmation right now…” His response was very sweet, “I want us to be together for a very, very long time. I want us to be happy. I want….us.” Then he told me he loved me.

One last thing I had to ask – was I wrong about what I thought he’d said that Saturday night regarding N? He replied, “Sometimes we don’t see or talk for long periods, but we text, sometimes just hi bye, every few days.” Well that was a punch to the solar plexus, and not what I meant at all. Wow. I don’t even text my BFF that often. Wait, I thought TK was my BFF now. Apparently he’s already filled the slot. If they text that much, then again, why has he never mentioned her to me??? I so badly want to read these texts, but then, I know I really don’t. I don’t think I can take it, not if they are like the ones I have “discovered” in the past.

I decide to skip over this for now. “Oh, though that’s not what I meant. You told me earlier that what I remembered you saying that night you wouldn’t have said. So is my recall that bad or was you telling me that part of the lie?” Was that harsh? Maybe, but it’s to the point and at this point, I am so sick of beating around the bush. Just freaking tell me the truth!! Then I added, “Is there anything else I need to know? I’m not trying to hurt you, I just want to rip the bandaid off now if there is.”

“I don’t recall saying that. I don’t know why I would. That was not part of a lie. If you remember me saying it, then I guess I did.” OMG, I think I am going to scream. Quit making it sound like I am crazy and not remembering what you said!!! No, I didn’t say those things, but they went through my head. He then sent another text, “I got fired once. It was one of the greatest things that ever happened to me.”

Now, let’s address this last statement. I told him early on that I was fired from my job last year, and explained the circumstances. He never once told me, even with ample opportunity, about his own termination. So while this statement wasn’t what I had in mind, I was caught off guard yet again. When actually what I was wanting was confirmation that this relationship with N held no more surprises for me. I texted back “???” because I wasn’t entirely sure why he was telling me about getting fired, or if he was trying to be funny, but he must have fallen asleep because I didn’t hear from him again last night.

This morning, after a sleepless night, I texted at 9:15 to tell him I was struggling today. Almost an hour later, he asked if he could do anything, and said he was sorry that he passed out on me last night. (Yeah, me, too.) It took me almost an hour to compose a text that did not have any barbs in it, because I was going through the anger phase and just felt like lashing out. Which is when I turned to my journal, to help prevent that. Finally, I sent “We need to talk. I still have questions, and I will need reassurance. I need to know what your relationship is and has been so I don’t get any more surprises.” It took him an hour to compose: “Ok”.

Now, I love my boyfriend, I really do. And I know that he really, truly loves me and cares about me. Right now, we are in the kind of relationship where I can tell he is all-in, hook, line and sinker, you know? He’s not going anywhere, no doubts, etc. And I’m the one who’s held just a tiny bit back, afraid of getting hurt, I guess. Though maybe I am more all-in that I thought I was, because this really hurts.

Ultimately, it’s the lack of trust he had in me, that he felt he had to hide this relationship from me, that hurts the most. It’s disrespectful, in my opinion. Just give me the benefit of the doubt, that I am not like the other women he has been with. I thought I had made that abundantly clear, and shown him every day. So what went wrong? That’s what I need to figure out, so I can start to fix this.

I know that a lot of the feelings I had last night were because of the trigger of this happening, how it seemed like it was the same thing all over again. But there are differences and that’s what I have needed to focus on. I had to work through a lot of that already this morning, which was easier because he wasn’t around, but hard because I have had no sleep, had to get the kids off to school without them knowing anything was amiss, and then go to work. So I sit here now thinking that a nap sounds really good, but I need to run to the store, and then cook dinner. Find/wrap a present for the white elephant gift exchange tomorrow. Help Sam make a present for his dad. And a card. Ugh.

My heart hurts, it’s heavy, and I am sad, but it’s not as bad as it was this morning. This could be a good opportunity for us. I am trying to look at the positives, but it is very difficult when you feel this way. I don’t want to just resign myself to giving in because I want to be with him, and I honestly don’t think I am. No, he has some tough questions to answer, ones that I might not want to hear the answers to. But then I think about how clueless he has seemed about some of this, and truly I feel he has no feelings for her other than as a platonic friend. I just need to hear that from him, need that reassurance…rinse, repeat.

No, I am not the jealous type but what’s mine is mine. And when I get lied to, all bets are off. The truth shall set you free? The truth shall be always what I want to hear, and I will never ask a question that I am not prepared to hear the answer to. As much as it might hurt at the moment, it’s better than finding out I was still being misled. So yes, it shall set you free.

As far as N?  I am not going to insist he quit being friends with her, but I will insist that he tell me when they spend time together.  I don't know how much of it I can do, though.  Whenever she texts him, I can imagine how it will make me feel, knowing that he had that from me.  And it will be a constant reminder.  I won't ask him to not text her, but I sure hope he offers to end that friendship.  A friend of mine had a very similar thing happen, and her bf did offer to give her peace of mind.  It's the least TK could do for me, but ultimately, he has to decide what he wants.

Speaking our language

Are you familiar with the Five Love Languages? It’s a book that outlines how we each speak a certain “love language”, that we respond best to that language we are attuned to the most. Some of us may have more than one language, some may only have one. In any event, to prevent discord and have the most harmonious relationship, Dr. Chapman suggests that you learn your partner’s love language, what makes them tick, what they respond best to.

Let me give you an example. I personally have several, but I respond best to Touch and Words of Affirmation. Quality Time is a very close third. I could care less about Gifts or Deeds or Services. I have been this way for a long time, and knew this before I ever met #2. But #2 had some narcissistic need to give me things – all the time! At Christmas, I almost always had more gifts than my kids – combined! It was crazy! I would tell him to stop, to not buy me so much, but he just couldn’t. Perhaps that was his love language or else it was his perverse need to show off that we could afford such things. I always gave him things he wanted and he loved everything I did give him, but I didn’t go to excess. And he bought me flowers several times a week, which at first was very sweet. Until he made it seem like it was a chore, that he had to get me flowers and then he’d bring them home and throw them on the counter and say “Look what I got you, aren’t you going to put them in water before they die?” Not exactly a loving gesture now, was it?

I also did a lot for #2, because I realized in the beginning he tried to do that for me. I honestly didn’t appreciate it because I was independent, but I think it was one of his languages, so I tried to “speak” it for him. I never got upset when he did things, but I did have to tell him to stop several times, to no avail. Now, this isn’t why our marriage didn’t work out. You’d have to read the “A little background on the insecurity issue” (http://anewbeginning68.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-little-background-on-insecurity-issue.html) for that story.

I have become even more in tune with what I want, and try to be more aware of what language my partner speaks. I have already started talking to TK about his love language(s), and his are remarkably similar to mine, which helps explain why we are able to express ourselves so easily to each other. I have told him to only give me flowers on special occasions if at all, though I consented to him bringing me a single rose on occasion if that’s what he wants to do, and he’s okay with that.

Last week, the topic of Christmas came up and I told him I didn’t want him to buy me anything for Christmas. His response? “Okay, but you can’t buy me anything, either.” Deal. But his next words swept me off my feet all over again because it was exactly what I was thinking - “Know what I want? To spend an entire day with you, just the two of us, and the night, too.” You see, quality time ranks pretty high for him, as well. Touch is high on his list, so I can’t honestly say which is his primary language, if there is one. I haven’t asked, though apparently I am doing something right. But it’s a topic I intend to bring up soon.

We don’t get to see each other much if you haven’t figured that out, and “alone time” is even more fleeting for us. He has been working 80-90 hours a week, and he has two little people that call him dad that don’t have a mom, so they get first dibs on him. I understand and respect that, but it is so hard sometimes! We are gradually carving out time for just the two of us, and spending more time together with the kids - maybe once a week or every other week, we do things with the three younger ones. (The teen is usually working, doing homework or hanging out with his friends, but I do get one-on-one time with him each week.) Even when we do the family things, the two of us still touch, whisper, talk, laugh, kiss, hold hands...it’s just that at the end of the day, he and the kids go to their house and us to ours.

It’s not like we want to pretend we’re single and childless. No, nothing like that. But when you only see each other twice a week – maybe – and even then it’s after his kids are in bed and he can get away to my house…you can understand what it might be like. Even when I was married, I insisted on date night every two weeks so that we had “couple time”. I still want that. TK’s schedule lately is pretty hairy and we might be lucky to get half a day to spend together, but we will try.

I have vacation coming up in exactly 18 days…I cannot wait! I will have 9.5 days off, and I will have three entire days with no children in my home! Well, except now that the college student told me he will be home for two of them…. Okay, I can deal. I’m down to one day with no kids! And TK is taking a week off, so as long as that one day is covered, I am happy! Even so, any of the other two days work for me, too, since the college student’s girlfriend will also be in town at her dad’s and they will be together most of the time. I will just be the one he comes to when he’s hungry or needs gas money. Figures. :-/

Can you tell I am looking forward to my first real vacation in over a year???  Need me some Quality Time!!

A little background on the insecurity issue...

I think in order to understand more about how I got here, I want to tell you about my second husband (referred to as #2).  We met while I was still married to #1, though that marriage was imploding – we were in counseling, to no avail.  We had been too young when we got married, he’s a selfish bastard who was never meant to father children (I refer to him as the sperm donor because he is not a parent to my older boys), and sadly I didn’t see any of this until after we’d had children. 

On the advice of my counselor, I was trying to do more things for myself, get involved in something to get me out of the house once in a while.  This was difficult for me because my life was enmeshed in my boys.  I was their primary caretaker and I loved them with every breath I took – why would I want to be away from them?  But she helped me to see that I was losing myself and I had to take care of me first, so I could be a better parent to my boys. 

I started playing volleyball on a team from work, where I met #2.  We were friends, nothing more.  He certainly didn’t do it for me.  He was kind of a hot mess, but the male version, when I first got to know him.  I have to admit, there was no attraction on my part…at all.  We hung out before our volleyball games and talked, but that was it.  Until I started to notice his interest went way past just being friends.

One thing to point out: #2 was up front about being a recovering alcoholic, and had just over a year in recovery when we met through his sponsor, who was a friend of mine from work.  Prior to that, he had been homeless for 18 months, a fact I learned much later.  I had never really been around an alcoholic, recovering or not.  It didn’t bother me, I learned a lot about how AA worked as we talked.  I was not offended by him being in recovery….it really didn’t matter to me since I don’t drink much anyway.  I just didn't realize at the time that was only part of the bigger picture.

After I separated and filed for divorce, #2 asked me out.  I admit this was a mistake – it was too soon.  I thought I was doing well on my own, and I see now that I was on the rebound.  His attention was flattering, his pursuit unwavering.  He had had some dental work done, got contacts, cleaned himself up, so yeah, he was now somewhat attractive.  My BFF later told me that she saw him as hunting me until he caught me, which would explain the manscaping.  I held out for quite a long time, but in the end, I did fall for him. 

In the beginning things were great.  He really seemed to love my boys and try to be a step-parent to them as best he could (he’d never been married or had children).  All was good, we were happy.  Looking back, I can see when the decline started, but as par for the course, you often can’t see it when you’re in it.

Years of alcohol abuse led to necrosis in his hip, so he was in a lot of pain.  He was eventually prescribed pain killers, and became addicted to them.  He changed…and not in a good way.  Oh, he still appeared to “work his program”, but it was tearing him apart.  He struggled to keep up the façade, and as it crumbled away, he took it out on those of us around him.  I bore the brunt of it, and to some extent, my kids.  Eventually he had his hip replaced, we weaned him off the pain killers, he relapsed, and finally we got him clean. 

However, within a year, a back injury put him back on the pills, and he’s been on them ever since (7+ years).  See, as an addict, he can justify in his mind that he is taking prescription meds, so he’s okay.  Doesn’t matter that they recommended surgery – he refused.  I think he likes those pills a little too much, a point proven several times over.  The addiction to the pills ate away at him, and I saw a decline in the number of AA meetings he attended.  He also got sent to anger management classes by his boss .  We even had perfect strangers call him out on his anger issues, I would find myself walking on eggshells around him, watching what I said to avoid any confrontation because it would only end badly.  At first, he was never physical.  No, it was all mental, verbal, emotional abuse.  But even that happened so gradually that I didn’t see it.

Now I do.  He was so insecure with himself, hated himself sooooo much, that he had to lash out at everyone else just to feel a little better.  We all had the problem, not him.  He would tell me he wasn’t happy, but I didn’t know how to help him – I was happy with myself, but it wasn’t enough.  He had to work on how to make himself happy, but he expected me to do it.

It wasn’t until I found out that he was having an affair, that all the pieces finally fell into place.  The affair was another manifestation of his addictions - looking for that next high, the euphoria from not getting caught.  And then more addictions came to light.   I really tried for several months, but I realized he was not going to get better until he wanted to get better.  Deep down inside, he hated himself and had tried to use me and the boys to prop him up until it didn’t work anymore.  AA had helped him, but it is tough work to fix yourself, and so much easier to blame everyone else.   Plus, those meetings he was supposedly going to?  He left the house, but he didn’t go to any meetings - he called the mistress every time.

Around this time, I attended the second of two AlAnon meetings, ever.  When someone said that just because they’re not drinking doesn’t mean they are sober and in recovery, it was in that instant that God told me what to do.  I realized I could never fix him and it wasn’t my place to try, as much as he told me it was.  And that he wasn’t the same person I had met who wanted to fix himself, and had used AA to help him.  He didn’t want AA to help him anymore.  So I went home, and I told him to leave.

Immediately, the atmosphere at my house was calm, peaceful, and happy.  I realized how insecure he really was – that the constant belittling of me (most of which I didn’t believe anyway) was his way of making himself feel better.  And when it didn’t work, he looked for other ways.  The affair.   Other addicitons.

I can look back over the course of these events and pinpoint with scientific precision when certain things occurred, and being a scientist, that helps me to understand that it was all out of my control.  Yes, I could have ended it a long time ago, but I couldn’t see clearly then. 

I have learned some powerful lessons, not the least is that insecure people will do anything they can to bring others down.  They will joke, insult, be mean, get jealous, be self-deprecating (but actually mean it), point out others’ apparent faults, try to isolate you from friends, need to have the best of everything, get angry if you try to correct them.  Some of our worst fights were because I knew how to do a lot of DIY projects and it intimidated him.  And the jealousy!  I never gave him a reason to be jealous, and yet I remember him asking on the weekends why I would put on make up to run errands.  Well, because it made me feel better.  I get now that he thought I was trying to find someone to replace him.

In the end, I was able to hold onto a lot of my self-confidence, though it was a little damaged.  I rebuilt it quickly because I had a solid foundation to begin with - and an excellent counselor who just so happened to specialize in drug and alcohol addictions, a fact I did NOT know when I first met with her.  That confidence is what attracted TK to me, and I am so happy to have him in my life.  He is confident in his own right – I don’t have to constantly stroke his ego!

And lastly, my kids are the center of my world.  They respect me as a single parent, and I think I am doing a damn fine job given the circumstances.  They are all amazing, loving, wonderful boys, and I can proudly say I have raised them on my own.  I am very grateful every day for my children.  Recently I apologized to my oldest for not being able to give him an adequate father figure, and that though I like sports and DIY projects, I was sorry that hunting and fishing were out of my realm.  He replied, “It’s all good, Momma.”  That’s all I need to hear.

Triggers in a new relationship

I have worked hard on myself to overcome some of the fears and insecurities I had as a result of an abusive (mentally and emotionally), co-dependent marriage.  I can now trust without the fear I once felt, I can love without caution (well, to some extent), and I can be happy without putting that on anyone else. 

With that said, we all have vulnerabilities, and I am the first to admit that on occasion, insecurities come to the forefront that I was not previously aware of, or that I thought I had worked through.  Yes, these often raise up at "that time of the month", so there is some correlation to my hormones.  (John Gray refers to this as The Well that women go into.)  I just make sure to acknowledge how I am feeling and know that although it might be based somewhat in reality, it is also a skewed perception of said reality.

TK has been working 90+ hour weeks the last few weeks.  He told me in the beginning that it would be a challenging next couple of weeks, but he did not tell me he wouldn't see me for a week at a time.  I like to plan ahead - my Type A personality - and if I had known I wouldn't see him for a whole week, I could have handled that much better than wondering every day if I would see him.  I sent him an email during that week, asking for more communication around weekly date nights, and to let me know if they weren't going to happen as early as he could (within reason).  I got no response from that.

Lack of communication is a trigger for me, I have come to realize this.  And because this happened at "that time of the month", it caused me to be a little bit insecure as it were.  I counseled myself continuously that I knew he loved me, and that he would be in contact when he could.  I also took to wearing a rubber band on my wrist - another tactic to remind myself that I needed to not text him constantly and ask when I would see him.  He didn't need that pressure, he still has his kids to be a parent to as well, so I had to take a back seat (yet again) to everything else in his life. 

So I put on the big girl panties and stayed busy.  I spent a lot of time with my kids (they probably thought too much!), hung out with friends, worked on ripping out the flooring in the bathroom I was re-tiling...in essence, I lived my life as though my boyfriend was out of town or something.  TK would bounce back every few days, expressing how much he missed me and wanted to see me.  By the time that week was up, he was telling me he needed to see me.  That was affirmation enough for me.
I had made it through!

But then one day this week he had an unexpected day off.  I, however, ended up having several meetings thrown onto my calendar.  We texted throughout the day - I had a cold and was finally feeling better, he asked how I was feeling and I told him the fog was lifting and I was okay.  We exchanged several more texts throughout the day, and I didn't think twice about it.  Of course, I was also anticipating seeing him that night for date night.  I should learn not to assume.

See, I had told him previously that due to his work schedule and his children, he was "driving this bus".  I had given him days that I was available (when little guy is with his dad), and it was up to him to let me know when he could fit me in, for lack of a better phrase.  He had already asked for a standing reservation for Wednesdays (his normal day off), so anything beyond that was icing on the cake in my book.  But I found that if I lowered my expectations and told myself I wouldn't see him, it was just easier...I didn't set myself up for the disappointment, and subsequent hurt for the few times it hadn't worked out the way I thought it would.

So what happened?  I assumed we had a standing date.  I should have kept my expectations low.  Apparently he decided that I was not texting as much that day, and somehow perceived that I was upset with him.  He ended up on a roller coaster, insecure about something, though in my mind, I still haven't figured out what triggered this.  (We'll talk about it tonight.)  I thought that perhaps something had happened with the kids, another pile I don't want to step in, so I waited.

Finally at 8:00 pm, he texts and asks how I'm doing.  WTF?  I respond that I'm fine, and asked how he was.  He said he was good...and that was it.  I was so annoyed by then - both with him and at myself - that I had to wait a bit before texting.  I finally asked that if we weren't going to have the standing Wednesday night dates anymore, could he please let me know?  We texted back and forth then, though I would much rather have spoken on the phone about it and resolved the issues, but he said he wasn't feeling well (sore throat, headache, upset stomach), so I didn't pursue that avenue.

Still, at one point the trigger hit: he told me he had felt insecure.  I had not been texting as much and when I had, to him it seemed as though I was short and distant.  He knew I hadn't felt well, and thought that was it, and that I didn't want to talk.  Wow.  So he had done the assuming.  I had told him I felt better - I even went back through my texts to make sure I hadn't been short and distant.  And then I started to panic a bit.  I didn't want to deal with another insecure male.  The last one had been plenty for one lifetime!  But then he had been an addict and was so unhappy with himself that no one would ever make him happy...nothing I did was ever good enough.

I hadn't seen any signs of  insecurity from TK in the four months we'd been dating.  So why now?  And what did I do about it?  If he was truly not feeling well, then that might have caused his emotions to run a little higher.  Still, I couldn't apologize for being busy at work!  Though I did apologize for being short at 8 pm when I realized things had gone south.  And he apologized as well.

I also pointed out that I had gone through a similar situation for the last several weeks - that he had seemed distant (because of work) and that I had kept myself busy and tried not to check my phone every five minutes.  I admitted that it sucked but I had no other option.  I think putting it perspective helped him to see it from my point of view, and what I had done to handle it.  Not that I am perfect!  I admit the insecurity I felt!  But I didn't tell him - I handled it.  I looked at myself to figure out why I felt the way I did, and determined the best course to change that.  I am the only one responsible for how I feel, and so is he.

Still, I also know I am not responsible for his insecurities.  That is something that he has to own and deal with and figure out why he feels that way.  He told me that nothing I said or did caused him to feel that way, so at least he does recognize that it's something only he can work on.  God, I don't think I could handle another co-dependent relationship!  I will keep my eye out for any other signs, but I think this is just a bump in the road that we are navigating as best we can.  I'll keep you posted. 

Dating a younger man

When I first spotted TK at our sons' baseball game, I honestly thought he was my age.  He looked like he was at least forty, had more grey hair than even salt-and-pepper, and was thinning out on top just a tiny bit.  To me, he looked distinguished, and quite handsome.  (I think distinguished is a word we women use to refer to a gentleman who perhaps may look a bit older, certainly not younger, but still quite easy on the eyes.)  I admit I was intrigued.  And when I caught him looking my way, those beautiful light blue eyes captivated me.  I had to know more about him.

My dad was a cop my entire life, and only just recently retired completely from law enforcement.  He instilled in me a guarded optimism - it's not that I am not trusting, but I do hedge my bets when I feel it is necessary.  And after some of the men I have met in my life, I am conditioned to be quite careful in that regards.  So yes, I Google people.  I have discovered quite a bit when doing so, and have outed several men in lies they were perpetuating (the worst one being that a particular male had a restraining order against him for stalking a woman three months before we began talking, something that did not actually surprise me from the way he had been acting... and I ended it right then.) 

I did Google TK, but really didn't learn much.  I had heard from his son that his wife had passed away, and I did find her obituary online.  It gave her age at the time, five years previously, so I assumed that TK was about her age, making him about five years younger than me.  Okay, I could deal with that.  I have been told quite often that I look younger than I actually am - people used to tell my mom that, too, so it must be in my genes.  If I look younger, and he looks older...

A few weeks later, I was bored so I Googled him again, and finally found an age for him.  Hmmm, it appeared he might actually be seven years younger than me, not five like I had thought.  Which would also mean that his wife was older than him, giving the impression that he liked older women?  Still, I didn't have a problem with that, and I wasn't sure the age listed was correct anyway - you know how the internet is.  Heck, sometimes they have #2's age listed as mine and he is four years older than me!  Oh, no, we can't have that! 

Once TK and I actually started talking, we briefly joked about Googling each other, but I never told him what I had found.  We had danced around the age thing, with me never actually telling him how old I was.  I know he had Googled me, trying to guess my middle name, and I warned him not to believe what age he might find (meaning that #2's might be listed instead).  One day, after weeks had gone by, I asked if he had figured out how old I was.  He replied that he thought he knew how old I was, but he had seen me in a bikini and there was no way I was the age Google told him I was.  Awwww!  That was one helluva compliment! 

I don't think I have an issue with my age (45), because I look and feel much younger.  I have to admit, a couple of years ago, I probably did look my age.  But I started running and taking better care of myself, and became more diligent about keeping the grey out of my hair, plus I think the confidence I feel with myself and in my life helps project a more youthful appearance.  In any event, I firmly believe you are only as old as you feel, and I'm going with 35.  Of course, when I have a twenty-year-old son, it's a little hard to explain that I didn't have him when I was fifteen!

So yeah, I think TK has figured out my age, but he just doesn't care.  If anything, I am probably more youthful than him.  He has said that years of working in his industry has put major strain on his knees, so he feels his age a lot more than I do.  He was never a runner, but for whatever reason, after we started dating, he took up running and actually enjoys it.  To me, running makes me feel younger and more alive, and I hope that's how he feels, too.  We haven't actually run together yet - I don't know if he is intimidated by me because I have been running longer, or if I am intimidated by his younger, male body, but in March, we will be running a half marathon together.  I ran my first one last month and it was one of the greatest achievements of my life - and a bucket list item I got to check off.  The elation I felt after was incredible - so much so that I added completing a full marathon to my bucket list.  Let's see if the younger man can keep up with me for that!

All in all, I have no qualms about dating a man seven years my junior.  As long as it doesn't bother him, I am good.  I think he finally knows my age - one day he asked me what my Chinese Zodiac sign was, I guess to see if we were supposed to be compatible, and asked if it was the rat.  I said no, I think it's the monkey, then teased him that he only asked because he was trying to figure out how old I was.  So now he knows what year I was born, he knows my birthday...I imagine he's smart enough to do the math.

Someone called me a cougar one day, and I was not offended.  I mean, I certainly didn't set out to go after a younger man.  Matter of fact, on my online dating profile, I only put that I was seeking a man a couple of years younger to approximately ten years older than me.  I just didn't think someone that much younger than me would be interested.  Besides, I didn't set out to be a cougar, and yet the title means nothing to me.  Another friend who is TK's age, joked with me about going after the younger men.  I told him that it's not that I go after them, but that age range seems to be the ones interested in ME (my last relationship was with a man-boy who was 38).  Who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 

I do have limits.  I personally could not date someone who was young enough to be my son.  Ewwww.  Besides the ewww factor my son would feel.  And what if they would want to have kids????  Nope, I think this baby factory is closed.  The only way that would happen is if I won the lottery and didn't have to work anymore or worry about money and financing college.  And I don't see THAT happening!  (Can't win if you don't play, right?) 

Maybe it helps that TK looks older than his age.  I won't tell him that, but it's true.  It puts us more on the same level.  So if I start showing my age, and he is already looking a bit more distinguished, then I don't think he'll turn me over for a younger model.  At least I hope not.  But I can't think about that.  Ex #2 turned me over for an older one!  LOL!  I guess it's not really an issue for me.  As long as I am happy with TK and he is happy with me, then I will live in the moment and enjoy the love of a (much) younger man. :-)

Falling into the-L-word

Honestly, I have never been in a relationship where I have said the L word first.  I am not sure if I felt it first, but if I did, I certainly didn't say it.  I can't tell you why, it's just the way I wanted it to go, the way I felt it should be.  Now, almost everything I read online says you should let the guy tell you first since they guide the relationship more - you don't want to scare them away.  Maybe there's some truth to that, I don't know.  I would just rather do what comes naturally.

I have also read a few articles that say men want you to open up to them, be emotionally honest, because that helps them feel more comfortable opening up to you.  Okay, I get that, too, but there is a fine line between the two that we women have to walk.  I think it's like a tight rope - one slip either way, and you're doomed.

Up til this year, there have been three boys/men that I have been in love with in my life, and I might have loved a fourth - I just can't honestly say because I ran from my feelings back then. (Don't worry, I did contact him years later to apologize and we are friends again.)  The last time, though, I was scared to death when he told me.  I think I saw it coming and even avoided situations where he might say those words out loud.  I was recently divorced, he's the first guy I dated after...  Let's just say I was a wounded rabbit that should have taken a lot more time to heal from the demise of my last marriage before jumping into a serious relationship.  But no one told me that then...

Oh, he pursued me, relentlessly!  And eventually, I caved.  We married.  We had a son.  Things went very bad.  I kicked him out.  We got divorced.  And I thought I would probably never want to get married again, let alone fall in love with anyone.  I mean, #2 changed before my eyes and I just didn't see it happening.  Could that happen again?  Yes, possibly.  So that's why just casually dating someone had such appeal.  If I kept them at a distance, I couldn't get hurt, right?

When TK and I first started texting/talking, it was as though he could read my mind.  When I asked him what characteristics he found attractive, he described me to a T, and this is before we knew each other.  I also told him what I was looking for in a partner, and knowing him like I do now, I realize I had chosen someone who fit every single trait.  I couldn't wait to get to know him better, though I tried to go slow, take my time.  The first time he referred to me as his girlfriend, I flipped out a bit - he had no idea at the time, but I did come back and say I didn't feel I had earned the girlfriend title, since it had only been two weeks.  I asked him to be patient with me, give me time, and he did.   I think it was only about a week later that I was hooked, and relented on the girlfriend label.

We have similar parenting styles, we make each other laugh, we support each other, we are extremely attracted to each other, we thoroughly enjoy each other's company - especially when just doing the mundane things like shopping or cooking.  The day of our first "family" outing, that I previously referred to in another post...that's the day he said he felt it.  We were at the Irish Fest held each year at Crown Center.  I remember sitting in Washington Square Park watching my son and his daughter climb a rock wall.  I saw him walking towards me out of the corner of my eye, but I kept my eyes on the kids.  I saw him stop and just stare at me for the longest time, a little smile playing on his face.  As he started towards me again, I turned and gave him a big smile, and that's apparently what did it.  He told me later that he wanted to tell me right then, in that moment, but he couldn't because it wasn't "part of our vocabulary yet".  Yet I think it stunned him a bit that it came to him so naturally, as though we had been saying to each other for years, so it's probably best that he waited a few more days.

Later that evening, I sent him an email.  I told him how I felt, without using the L word.  He asked if I had crossed the line, no turning back.  Before I could respond, he told me he had.  I asked when, and he said probably from day one.  (Wow!)  He told me that he had had to bite his tongue several times to keep himself in check, because he didn't want to do or say anything to make me uncomfortable or scare me off.  I told him I want him to talk to me about his feelings, and he said he would in time, he didn't want to rush anything though it also felt impossible to slow it, us, down.
I felt a lot of feelings for him by this time, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to call it love.  Doing more research on the subject didn't help much, unless I wanted to determine when the right time was to tell my first love that I loved him.  How do you tell someone twenty-plus years later?  Things are just different when you're in your 40s.  I wasn't looking for someone to father my children, or someone to support me.  And I had been through enough in my life to know what I didn't want, and have an idea of what I DID want. 

As I started thinking more about it, I realized that what I felt was different than anything I'd ever felt before.  Perhaps it was love.  It was quite a strong emotion, that's for sure.  It felt different because I was different - I was a different person than I had been at those other times in my life, I was at a different place in my life with a different outlook, and it was okay to feel this way.  Again, I didn't say anything more to him about it - I wanted to savor this feeling for a bit.

Less than a week later, we spent an afternoon off together.  At one point he pulled me close, and told me he wanted to tell me something.  I'll keep the details to myself, but he said those words to me.  And it felt so right and natural, that I said them back to him.  They've been in our vocabulary ever since.

Dating and the single parent

When I was finalizing my divorce, I thought at the time that I wanted to date a man with no children.  I thought he would have more time for me, would possibly be available when I was without having to rearrange schedules, we wouldn't have to worry about finding a place to be alone with no kids around.  (Shut up, don't judge, I was naive, okay?)  But one of my college boyfriends pointed out that perhaps I should consider dating someone with kids.  Wouldn't they better be able to relate to me as a single parent if they were in the same boat?

So I thought about it, and realized he was right.  And not just because he was single and had kids (we did try that out, but he lives too far away), but he had a good point.  Just like having a boss that has kids is more relatable to what you go through as a parent than one that has never had children, so is the man that eventually won me over.

We met through out kids' baseball team, and we have discovered that we have similar parenting styles.  However, his wife passed away years ago, so his children don't have a mother in their lives.  Then again, #1 is not active in my kids' lives, and #2 has issues and isn't exactly a stellar hands-on parent, so though their dads are alive, it doesn't make them parents.  (I refer to them both as sperm donors in my head, at least!)  So essentially, we are in similar situations.

Because my youngest goes to his dad's every other weekend, that's the time I set aside to date.  I realize it's not a lot of time, but I'd rather not take any time away from the kids until I get to know the person I am seeing.   The oldest is off at college so I don't have to worry about planning around him.  The teen is usually busy with school, his friends or work, so I try to see him when he isn't busy, and work around that. 

TK and I spent our first "date" just talking at my house.  He had worked, so it was late in the evening when he finally arrived, and he brought chocolate!  We'd only been talking for a week, and he already knew the way to my heart.  We talked well into the night.  When he finally mentioned heading home, I realized if I wanted to kiss him, I was going to have to do it.  And so I did.  He finally left four hours later, after we had stayed up all night.  All I knew then was that I wanted to get to know him better.  (And in case you were wondering, nothing further happened since the teen was asleep upstairs!)

Of course, that also meant that he had had no sleep and went home to spend the day with his children.  He managed to sneak in some naps and go to bed fairly early.  At least I was able to go to sleep after the teen went to work, and he never knew I had been up all night.  Oh, the things we do to keep our kids in the dark!

I didn't hide my relationship with TK from the kids, but I also didn't flaunt it to them.  First of all, I have this thing where I am afraid to say too much to anyone too soon.  Not in a superstitious way, but if it doesn't work out, I won't have to explain much to anyone this way.  Second, my kids are aware that I date some, but because of what happened when I gave the older ones a stepfather (still some residual guilt there), I am VERY protective of who I bring around my children.  I would rather my kids feel safe and secure in the knowledge that I love them and will always be there for them, and my wants on a personal level are secondary to that.   Now, I am not saying that I plan to remain celibate, but again, it's not a subject I want to discuss with my kids, so if I keep them removed from it, I won't have to.

My kids had all been around TK at ball games, though at the time they were like me - we knew who he was but didn't interact with him much at all.  Eventually, the oldest ascertained there was a budding interest on my part, but I didn't give him any details and he quietly refrained from giving me any grief about it.  I have a wonderful relationship with my boys, and they love to tease me good-naturedly.  Perhaps he sensed something different with this one, I don't know, but he didn't ask any questions and I let it be for awhile. 

It was about two weeks in when I invited TK and his son to a pool party/BBQ at my house.  TK was working but his son came to the party, and TK came to the party when he got off of work.  I figured if we were going to be seeing each other, our kids would be spending time together, too, and it went well.  The poor man was also subjected to both my brother and over-protective cousin, and he came out the other side none the worse.  I guess he passed some kind of test!  The kids all played well together, and the party was still going strong at 2:00 am.  (Apparently, I throw some kind of party!)

Because of his work schedule, the best we can usually do is to sneak time alone after he got off work, always at my house when the littlest is at his dad's and the teen is out or asleep.  We have managed a few dinners out as well, and a quiet afternoon alone on occasion.  After about six weeks, he suggested an outing with his kids and my youngest.  (The teen was working that day.)  It was a fabulous day!  And apparently, it was the day that sealed the deal for him, but that will be another post.

It hasn't been easy, trying to find that balance.  Somehow, my life is a bit calmer than his, I have a much better, more flexible work schedule that suits single-parenthood well, so my life is somewhat more manageable than his might seem.  I also have the occasional "break" from my hectic life when my youngest goes to his dad's.  I used to feel so sad when my son left, then I tried to look at that time as opportunities to do things for me, and now that's the time I can set aside to see TK, when he's not working or with his kids.

One of the things that I told him in the beginning was that I understand that his kids will always come first, and that's okay.  There have been times that he has had to leave because one of the kids is sick, and I keep my disappointment at bay because I would do the same thing.  What has been more difficult is realizing that his work comes second.  That has been the one area I have really pushed for communication in, because his work is so unpredictable, and many times it has impacted plans we have had.  I get to see him so infrequently that this has become a bigger issue than I hoped it would be.  I feel like the kid picked last in gym class, that I get the scraps left over, but that's what I signed up for.  So I pull up my big girl panties, give him the space he needs, and live my life.  (John Gray would be so proud!)

I still have friends and refuse to make them take a backseat to a man, so I make sure I have time for them, and that I keep running, and doing the things that make me happy.  In addition to all the family stuff, of course!  Somehow, we are making it work.  The boys are gradually adjusting to this person in my life, and they seem to like him, which is a huge plus.  They also a know that I am not trying to give them a new dad.  No, this relationship is for ME first.  That may sound selfish, but if I'm not happy, what's the point?  And it's not like I'm going after the "bad boy" rebel who would not be a good role model for anyone.  This one, though?  He's a good dad - I can spot them a mile away - and that's a huge turn-on for me at this point.  (Oh, the irony!) 

But with the right person, and I think he is, eventually we might all become some sort of family.  Maybe not in the classic sense, because let's face it - we are waaaaay past that!  But a family unit that works for us. 

Be Happy!!!

Yes, it may be my tagline, but it is sooooo true!  I cannot emphasize enough how important it is!  Never, ever put your happiness in someone else's hands....it's too easy to lose that way.  Nope, only you are responsible for your own happiness, no one else.  Let me explain.

If you meet the man you think is Mr. Right, and you fall totally, helplessly in love with him, want to devote yourself to him, spend ALL your time with him, and he ends up walking away, what are you left with?  A broken heart, for sure, but you've alienated all of your friends in the meantime because you thought he was the one - you lost yourself in him, and in the end, YOU is all you have left.  Not to mention you attached your self-esteem to him by giving him every ounce of your being.  Do NOT do that.  You are more important than that, you are worth more than that, you need that sense of self!  And what you need to do is love yourself. 

How do you do that?  Well, it might be hard work at first.  You will need to look inside yourself, really take a good, honest look, and see if you like what you see.  Not what others might see, but what YOU see.  And if you don't, if there are things about yourself that you don't necessarily like, or aren't happy with, then change.  Make a concerted effort to work on yourself and your issues.  I'm not saying you have to fix everything - we're all perfectly imperfect.  But I guarantee you as you work on yourself, you will begin to LIKE yourself, a little more every day, until you are so happy with your life and yourself that you will exude confidence.  And what do most men look for in a woman?  I can guarantee you that confidence is high on the list!  Girls that completely immerse themselves in their man gradually lose their confidence as they lose their self-awareness, and insecurities start to niggle at them.  Don't let that happen to you! 

Yes, I know this from experience, and it was a hard lesson to learn.  With #2, I KNEW this and even during the unhappy times in our marriage, I was still a relatively happy person.  I could separate myself from him and focus on my kids, or even myself, but being an addict, he couldn't understand why...mostly because he couldn't work on himself.  Yes, I got blamed for his unhappiness, but I also knew it wasn't true.  He was in counseling, but from the things he brought back from his sessions, I knew he wasn't telling the truth.  As I learned how he was slipping away from his program, I realized more than ever I had to keep true to myself, lest he bring me down with him.  Plus, I had three kids to protect.

Ultimately, his addictions won out and manifested in other ways - the affair being the culmination.  I guess I should have seen it coming, but I was so focused on just trying to survive.  More and more things began to add up, and I finally realized I couldn't do it anymore.  I was quickly becoming unhappy in this marriage, and it was apparent the marriage was crumbling anyway.  (No way was I going to allow him to stay married to me while he slept with someone else!)  And so I kicked him out.  Oh, it wasn't easy and he fought like a tiger (especially because I only gave him a week to get out), but in the end, it was for the best.  Once I'd made the decision, a huge burden was lifted, and that burden pretty much disappeared by the time he left. 

Almost instantly, there was a change in the atmosphere in my house, and I knew I had made the right decision.  Granted, I had to work through the fact that I should have done it a lot sooner - he had made our lives miserable for too long.  I own that, I accept it, and I have worked to help my kids deal with it, too.  We were so much happier, just the four of us, and it's only gotten better as the years have passed.  We truly love each other, respect each other, and have a great time together.  I also feel that having experienced what they have, my children have a greater appreciation for their lives now, for their own happiness.  They watched me take the steps I had to take to guarantee our happiness (there have been other times as well), and I hope they can take that example into their own lives as they grow and strike out on their own.

What's funny is that I was soooo happy with my life that I thought it couldn't get any better.  I mean, I have a wonderful job that I love and am respected for (after some turmoil in that area), I can support my family, we live in a lovely home, we get to take trips every couple of years, my kids have everything they need and some of what they want....what more could I want? 

In a previous blog, I talked about wanting a man but not needing a man.  I thought that having one around once in a while would fill that role, and I would be fulfilled.  Several men came and went, yet none fit the bill.  And then TK came along.  And like I said before, what I thought I wanted flew out the window, and in its place is this man who makes me feel like a goddess, who is kind, respectful, funny, a great parent, a hard worker, who can make me smile with just a look. 

I thought I knew happy.  But I have never felt like this before.  Yes, I have been in love several times in the past, but this is different.  I say that it's because I am at a different point in my life, and I feel things differently.  Or this is what it's like to have an honest, mature love.  In any event, he has completely changed my life.  I WAS happy before, and yet I have reached a new level of happiness that I never knew existed.  I try every day to not lose myself - it requires a constant diligence because it is so easy to want to spend all of my time with him.  Yet, we both have children that take precedence in our lives, and our relationship is secondary.  If anything, I love him more for that.  (#2 can barely take care of himself let alone our son, and #1 rarely contacts his boys as it is.) 

I still spend a lot of time with my kids, make time for my girlfriends, run when I can, and still do DIY stuff around the house (this month's project - ripping up the vinyl and installing tile in the college kid's bathroom).  These are things that I like to do, and they make me who I am.  TK respects that and encourages it at the same time.  There's a balance, and we are still trying to find it - I think it may be one of those things that's ever-changing and we will just have to find a balance every single day that works for us.  Both of us are working towards a common goal: to be happy.  Happy with ourselves, and then happy in our relationship.  So far, we're doing quite well!

The man of my dreams?

Last time, I mentioned the man I met through my son's baseball team.  Met?  Well, we hadn't actually "met" yet, merely seen each other at a few games.  And....it was more than that, because I would catch him glancing at me during the games, following me with his eyes as we loaded into the car and left afterwards.  I didn't mind.  Matter of fact, I was intrigued.

I learned a little about him from some of the other parents.  I had also met his dad, who helped him with the kids, getting them to games, practices, and such.  My friends and I deduced that he was at least single, and appeared to have the kids all the time.  Then his son mentioned to some of the boys on the team that his mother had passed away...so sad to hear.  I think I at least waited a few minutes after hearing this before putting it together that he may be available.  Have I no shame???!!!

Still, I wasn't sure how to approach this.  He was cute, appeared to be active in his kids' lives, had a job (yay!), took care of himself, and seemed to be somewhat interested in me, if the glances my way were any indication.  There were several other single moms on the team, and I observed him at a few of the games - none of the other moms seemed to catch his eye.  This was a good sign, I thought.

One detriment - #2 was at most of the games, and always seemed to think it necessary to sit as close to me as possible.  I am quite sure this is his way of assuaging any lingering guilt he had over the demise of our marriage (believe me, he better have plenty of that) - thinking that if there's an appearance that I can tolerate him, then maybe he's been forgiven and we can pretend everything's fine.  Yeah, no.  Besides the fact that I almost always had at least one other son with me, and you can imagine that I wasn't exactly approachable by someone who might want to ask me out.

I talked to my girlfriends about this, and they encouraged me to talk to him, ask him out, give him my number.  But I wasn't even sure he was available!  And the last time I had asked someone out when I didn't know their status, it backfired.  Still, I was willing to try what I could - because I had decided last year to live in the moment without regrets.  Could I live with myself if I didn't talk to him, and never saw him again?  I didn't want to have to find out.  Live in the moment!

I did make an attempt at conversation after one game, though #2 walked right up next to us, so the conversation was essentially over before it started.  I got a reply to my question, and that was as far as it went.  Another time, I sat quite near him on the bleachers before the game started, and though he showed interest in my conversations with others, he never tried to start one with me.  Odd indeed.  Granted, my son was sitting on the other side of me -  maybe he was afraid to talk to me with my son there.  Oh, and #2 kept making sketchy appearances, which could have been a deterrant.

At the last game of the regular season, I finally decided it was now or never.  And it ended up being never, because his daughter came to the game, and I just couldn't approach him with her there.  I did see him following me with his eyes, which was the only reason I was still thinking about him!  Seriously, he seemed interested, but was he ever going to make a move?  It just wasn't going to be that night.  Damn.

The next week, the entire team went to the local minor league baseball game.  I took pictures during the game, and even sent a few to TK (who was working), but I never got a response.  I honestly felt then that if he could not respond to an email, then perhaps he wasn't interested like I thought he was and I should let it go.

In the meantime, my son finally decided where he wanted to have his birthday party, so he made a list of kids to invite, and TK's son was on it.  I sent out the invitations online, and was delighted when TK responded that his son would be there.  Yay!!!  Yet, on the day of the party?  TK's dad brought his son and dropped him off.  I could not have been more disappointed.  By this time, my oldest son (who had overheard my friends at one of the games) had figured out what was going on, and told me he was sorry.  I knew what he meant, and that he really meant it.  What a sad day.  But I had tried my best.

Then an inspiration struck later that afternoon.  My son needed to send thank you notes, and I needed an address.  So I emailed TK and asked for his.  He responded and thanked me for the invite, saying that his son had had a good time.  And that was it.  Dang it!!!  So was that it???  I stewed about it for a few minutes, irritated that he was never going to express any further interest, and then I remembered: no regrets.  How could I live with myself knowing I hadn't tried everything I could? 

And so I sent one more email: Can I ask you a question?  He replied, Of course?  And I asked if he was seeing anyone.  He replied that he was not, and should he have come to the party???  We exchanged a few more emails before he offered his cell number, and we haven't stopped texting since.  It's been over three months...

I was right - having my ex and my kids near me made things a little more difficult as far as him approaching me.  He was interested - he said he loved my energy and drive, and the fact that I was attractive!  Wow, he's a keeper already!  And though we haven't discussed why exactly he never thought to email me, he has told me that he is glad that I reached out to him.  I am, too.  Because I have no regrets.  And this man could very easily be the one I have been waiting for.

What I thought I wanted....

Having been married twice to two totally different men (and I use that term loosely as maturity was lacking in both - their one similarity), I had a pretty good idea of how the male mind worked.  I had read "Men are from Mars..." by John Gray, as well as "The Five Love Languages".  I knew that I liked words of affirmation and touch - those were my languages, and yet no matter how hard I tried, I had not been able to get #2 to realize what I needed from him.  He truly believed that what worked for him should work for me, too, and wasn't willing to understand what needed to happen to make our marriage work.  Selfish, yes, as many addicts are.  And yet another reason things didn't work out, but I digress.

My focus was on what I thought I wanted.  I wasn't sure I ever wanted to get married again (though I will never say never), but dating wass okay.  I just wanted to find someone that I could be friends with, and see what happened.  I think many single women feel that way, especially those of us who are able to support ourselves and aren't looking for a mate to do that for us.  (And please don't think I am putting those women down - I am not, I am just not one of them.)  Because of my independence and freedom, I thought that a perfect relationship for me would be with someone, possibly another single parent, who perhaps didn't have a lot of free time, either.  I thought maybe we could get together on occasion, have dinner or drinks or go to a game, talk, etc.  A nice, casual friendship that could turn into something more.

As I mentioned previously, I did try online dating, but after several passes through various sites, I gave up.  I just don't have the time to devote to it, and decided I'd just try to meet someone the old-fashioned way.  I had even dated an old college boyfriend - I think he was trying to relive his youth or something, but I gave it a go.  He was an excellent prospect in the beginning, though, because 1) I already knew him, and 2) he lived 4 hours away!  What better way to have a casual relationship than to have a long-distance one?  (Please, save the 2x4s for later.)   Anyway, it didn't work out for other reasons, but that was one helluva boring drive.

Earlier this year, my cousin came to visit and brought his best friend with him.  I had only ever seen this boy/man one other time, and had readily dismissed him at the time.  This time, there were some sparks.  After they left, I messaged him on Facebook and that started what can only be labeled as a friends-with-benefits situation.  I knew what I was getting into with him.  I also knew from the beginning that he was NOT boyfriend material, but I didn't care.  I just wanted to have some fun, and that I did.  He lived two hours away, so we texted a lot and visited when we could.  Which ended up not being a lot considering he ended up not fulfilling the "friends" part of the relationship.  Lesson learned.

In the meantime, I started running again.  Another high school friend who lived in Florida had taken up running a few years before, and I started asking him for advice, which he readily gave.  Yes, he was single and cute and probably a little too far away for even a long-distance relationship, so I kept this strictly on the friends level.  A few times I have wondered if he felt otherwise, but he has never come right out and said so, so I let it go.  No assuming here.

Anyway, I ran.  And I got a little better every week.  Then I signed up for my first half-marathon, to fulfill something on my bucket list.  I was so excited!  But pretty nervous, too.  Still, the running was helping me in other areas, like losing weight, toning up and having so much more energy.  Plus it's great (free!) therapy!  I love to run!

My youngest decided to play baseball this past summer, so while he was at practice, I ran.  It seemed like the best time to do it (squeeze it in when I have time!), and there was a trail there anyway...what excuse did I have?  Plus, maybe if I was running where there were cute guys, I just might meet one.  Score!  One more reason to love running!  If said guy was also active, and a runner, then we would have a lot in common already.  And didn't I at least want someone I had things in common with? 

It just so happens that I did meet someone - though at his baseball games, not at practice.  Seems that one night, this cute guy showed up.  My friends and I had not seen this person at any of the practices (that we could recall), nor at any of the games to date.  It did not take long to figure out which child he belonged to, as there was quite a resemblance.  During the game, I glanced at him a few times, only to find him always looking my way.  Hmmm.  He didn't really smile, but then he didn't glare at me, either.  I wasn't sure if that was a good sign or not.

He came to several other games, though it appeared he worked late a lot and sometimes came straight from work.  One night, he came to the cages while the boys had batting practice.  Just so happens I was running the trail, and lo and behold, there he was.  Of course, I was looking particularly sweaty and hot!!  And I don't mean atrractive-hot!  Still, I kept finding him looking my way.  As he sat on the ground to watch his son take his turn, I almost sat down next to him to talk, but I couldn't find the courage.  He was cute, I'll give him that.  He looked to be about my age as well.  Then I noticed his shirt had a familiar restaurant logo on it, and my heart sank.

This takes me back to what I thought I wanted...I thought I wanted someone who had an education, a degree, a career.  Someone who could support themselves, was self-sufficient.  Could I date someone who worked in the restaurant industry?  I hope that doesn't sound snobbish, because that's not how I intend it at all.  It's just that after #2, I got burned and I thought I couldn't handle dealing with someone who didn't have his sh*t together.  Though the fact that he worked for a major company didn't mean he didn't have a fairly decent job.  I decided that at least I wouldn't hold that against him, in the off chance I would ever learn more about him.

So, the moral of this story?  Be careful about setting your expectations too high.  You could be limiting yourself from the most amazing people.  What I thought I wanted?  It didn't matter.  Because as soon as I saw him, I think I was gone.  It was even better to find out that he was, too.  More on that next time. :-)

Dating...again

Why is it that no one warns you that dating nowadays is so much different than it was back in high school and college?  Yeah, I get that I am no longer looking for Mr. Right to be the father of my children, and we will live happily ever after.  (Yes, some people CAN and DO find him, but I did not.)  I am not expecting the fairy tale, just someone that I can have fun with, be happy with.

I discovered after some time that online dating was not for me.  I just don't have the time to devote every day to reading and answering messages, texts, and online questionaires.  And let's face it, I didn't actually get a ton of responses, but a respectable amount.  Still, raising three kids on my own, working full time and taking care of a house - yeah, there's little time left over for me, let alone trolling in the online dating pond.

And I don't like to go out to bars very often.  Once in a while, if a friend's celebrating a birthday, then I don't mind.  We grab a few drinks, laugh and have fun, maybe do a line dance or two, and call it a night.  Occasionally, we have an interested male come around, but I just don't feel the need to look for a potential suitor in a bar, of all places. 

Some of my single girlfriends (who are all single moms, as well) have expressed the same feelings as I.  We came to the conclusion last year that we were giving up the online drama - it just wasn't for us.  Instead, we decided to focus on ourselves more, do things that we enjoy, spend more time with our kids, family and friends and if we happen to meet someone in the meantime, so be it.  It seemed much more likely that by attending school functions, spending time at our kids' athletic events and activities, immersing ourselves in our own hobbies, or even going to the grocery store (or hardware store - whatever your pleasure is), we might run into someone who had similar interests as us.  In a nutshell, we were going to live our lives.

Men our age, though, are a fickle bunch.  Most often if they are single, they have already been married at least once.  That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it can make for some interesting dates.  I myself have been married twice (the first, we were too young; the second, he was an addict) and have my own share of baggage in the form of ex-husbands and their various and asundry issues.  However, I have also worked hard to distance myself from the BS that seems to get hurled a few times a year from halfway across the country, courtesy of the still-immature first husband, as well as the ongoing problems that stem from multiple addictions on the part of the second.  My life is a constant joy, and I am not being facetious.  More on that in a bit.

You see, men that have been through the gamut once already have a tendency to go for a, shall we say,  younger model?  One especially that has no baggage to speak of.  And, many women do tend to age less graciously than men, but that doesn't mean that we should be pushed aside as a last resort, does it?  No!  But, there comes a time in our lives when we should really look deep inside ourselves and decide if we like what we see.  Because if we don't, how will anyone else?

So, I made a decision...I had worked hard on myself (I had years of emotional/mental abuse to overcome from husband #2), and was at a good place mentally.  I lost my job but found an even better one, and realized that even though that transition sucked, it was the best thing that could have happened to me (old job was a very toxic environment - good riddance).  See, I found the positive in that situation, and was able to set an example for my kids. 

I am very grateful for all I have, and feel very blessed.  I have learned that even the bad situations (including my two failed marriages) provide us growth opportunities if we let them.  Change doesn't always have to be bad.  Embrace change, and look for the silver lining!  This new outlook also helped with my confidence.  I am not an insecure person, but we all feel insecure sometimes.  As my confidence grew, my insecurities melted away.  I felt like I could take on the world!

To some extent, I did.  I decided to not live with regrets.  I asked a guy out that I thought was cute.  I sent another guy a Facebook message, and we started a (albeit short) relationship.  The things I thought I couldn't do before, I said "Why not?" and did them anyway.  I don't subscribe to the theory that you have to wait for the guy to ask you out.  If you see something you want, just go for it.  What do you have to lose?  Can you live with not knowing how it would have turned out?  I can't, not anymore.  Maybe it's being in my 40s, but I'm done playing games.

I became a happier person, and in doing so, my kids are happier, too.  Not that I wasn't before - but sometimes you don't realize how repressed you are until you shed some of that baggage.  I was thrilled that I could support my children, emotionally and monetarily; I was ecstatic that I could do it all on my own, with little help from my kids and virtually no help from anyone outside out little family.  Granted, once the college kid moved back to school, I lost a drive and helper, but I gained another driver when the teen got a car. 

I also added indifference to my vocabulary and actively lived it.  When someone is not adding value to your life, you have to make a choice - cut them loose, or become indifferent.  I cut those I could, but I couldn't necessarily cut my exes from my life.  So I choose to not let the small stuff bother me.  What a freeing experience that was!  I no longer responded to all the negativity that comes my way from #1.  If it is not good for my kids, I ignore it (because let's face it, it's NEVER good for me!).  It hasn't changed the amount that comes our way, but I am happier because I don't let it bother me. 

I am not saying I am the perfect mom - I'm not!  But essentially, I am the only parent my kids have that they can rely on consistently on a daily basis, and things are going well.  My kids are happy, though the oldest does have some issues with his dad (and former stepdad) that he's working through in therapy.  I did have to own a little of that because I let husband #2 stay a little too long, trying to make it work.  In addition, I feel that I have found a good work/life balance.  I also started running again earlier this year, and have completed a number of 5Ks, as well as my first half-marathon last month!  Running helps me clear my head, gives me "alone time", and is good for my health.  As well as for losing weight!

What does all this have to do with dating, you ask?  Think of it like this: you have to present the best version of yourself to a potential date, right?  So what's better than being a happy, well-adjusted, active, energetic, and confident woman who can support herself?  My girlfriends and I have discussed many a time that we "want" a man in our lives, but we don't "need" one.  Sound familiar?  we are an independent bunch, and we've been doing this for awhile.  We don't want to lose our independence or our freedom, though we do want to find someone to share it with.

And I did.  A younger man, even!!  Our boys played baseball together (go figure!).  You can bet he will be the subject of future blogs, as we navigate the dating world.  Stay tuned!