I think in order to understand more about how I got here, I want to tell you about my second husband (referred to as #2). We met while I was still married to #1, though that marriage was imploding – we were in counseling, to no avail. We had been too young when we got married, he’s a selfish bastard who was never meant to father children (I refer to him as the sperm donor because he is not a parent to my older boys), and sadly I didn’t see any of this until after we’d had children.
On the advice of my counselor, I was trying to do more things for myself, get involved in something to get me out of the house once in a while. This was difficult for me because my life was enmeshed in my boys. I was their primary caretaker and I loved them with every breath I took – why would I want to be away from them? But she helped me to see that I was losing myself and I had to take care of me first, so I could be a better parent to my boys.
I started playing volleyball on a team from work, where I met #2. We were friends, nothing more. He certainly didn’t do it for me. He was kind of a hot mess, but the male version, when I first got to know him. I have to admit, there was no attraction on my part…at all. We hung out before our volleyball games and talked, but that was it. Until I started to notice his interest went way past just being friends.
One thing to point out: #2 was up front about being a recovering alcoholic, and had just over a year in recovery when we met through his sponsor, who was a friend of mine from work. Prior to that, he had been homeless for 18 months, a fact I learned much later. I had never really been around an alcoholic, recovering or not. It didn’t bother me, I learned a lot about how AA worked as we talked. I was not offended by him being in recovery….it really didn’t matter to me since I don’t drink much anyway. I just didn't realize at the time that was only part of the bigger picture.
After I separated and filed for divorce, #2 asked me out. I admit this was a mistake – it was too soon. I thought I was doing well on my own, and I see now that I was on the rebound. His attention was flattering, his pursuit unwavering. He had had some dental work done, got contacts, cleaned himself up, so yeah, he was now somewhat attractive. My BFF later told me that she saw him as hunting me until he caught me, which would explain the manscaping. I held out for quite a long time, but in the end, I did fall for him.
In the beginning things were great. He really seemed to love my boys and try to be a step-parent to them as best he could (he’d never been married or had children). All was good, we were happy. Looking back, I can see when the decline started, but as par for the course, you often can’t see it when you’re in it.
Years of alcohol abuse led to necrosis in his hip, so he was in a lot of pain. He was eventually prescribed pain killers, and became addicted to them. He changed…and not in a good way. Oh, he still appeared to “work his program”, but it was tearing him apart. He struggled to keep up the façade, and as it crumbled away, he took it out on those of us around him. I bore the brunt of it, and to some extent, my kids. Eventually he had his hip replaced, we weaned him off the pain killers, he relapsed, and finally we got him clean.
However, within a year, a back injury put him back on the pills, and he’s been on them ever since (7+ years). See, as an addict, he can justify in his mind that he is taking prescription meds, so he’s okay. Doesn’t matter that they recommended surgery – he refused. I think he likes those pills a little too much, a point proven several times over. The addiction to the pills ate away at him, and I saw a decline in the number of AA meetings he attended. He also got sent to anger management classes by his boss . We even had perfect strangers call him out on his anger issues, I would find myself walking on eggshells around him, watching what I said to avoid any confrontation because it would only end badly. At first, he was never physical. No, it was all mental, verbal, emotional abuse. But even that happened so gradually that I didn’t see it.
Now I do. He was so insecure with himself, hated himself sooooo much, that he had to lash out at everyone else just to feel a little better. We all had the problem, not him. He would tell me he wasn’t happy, but I didn’t know how to help him – I was happy with myself, but it wasn’t enough. He had to work on how to make himself happy, but he expected me to do it.
It wasn’t until I found out that he was having an affair, that all the pieces finally fell into place. The affair was another manifestation of his addictions - looking for that next high, the euphoria from not getting caught. And then more addictions came to light. I really tried for several months, but I realized he was not going to get better until he wanted to get better. Deep down inside, he hated himself and had tried to use me and the boys to prop him up until it didn’t work anymore. AA had helped him, but it is tough work to fix yourself, and so much easier to blame everyone else. Plus, those meetings he was supposedly going to? He left the house, but he didn’t go to any meetings - he called the mistress every time.
Around this time, I attended the second of two AlAnon meetings, ever. When someone said that just because they’re not drinking doesn’t mean they are sober and in recovery, it was in that instant that God told me what to do. I realized I could never fix him and it wasn’t my place to try, as much as he told me it was. And that he wasn’t the same person I had met who wanted to fix himself, and had used AA to help him. He didn’t want AA to help him anymore. So I went home, and I told him to leave.
Immediately, the atmosphere at my house was calm, peaceful, and happy. I realized how insecure he really was – that the constant belittling of me (most of which I didn’t believe anyway) was his way of making himself feel better. And when it didn’t work, he looked for other ways. The affair. Other addicitons.
I can look back over the course of these events and pinpoint with scientific precision when certain things occurred, and being a scientist, that helps me to understand that it was all out of my control. Yes, I could have ended it a long time ago, but I couldn’t see clearly then.
I have learned some powerful lessons, not the least is that insecure people will do anything they can to bring others down. They will joke, insult, be mean, get jealous, be self-deprecating (but actually mean it), point out others’ apparent faults, try to isolate you from friends, need to have the best of everything, get angry if you try to correct them. Some of our worst fights were because I knew how to do a lot of DIY projects and it intimidated him. And the jealousy! I never gave him a reason to be jealous, and yet I remember him asking on the weekends why I would put on make up to run errands. Well, because it made me feel better. I get now that he thought I was trying to find someone to replace him.
In the end, I was able to hold onto a lot of my self-confidence, though it was a little damaged. I rebuilt it quickly because I had a solid foundation to begin with - and an excellent counselor who just so happened to specialize in drug and alcohol addictions, a fact I did NOT know when I first met with her. That confidence is what attracted TK to me, and I am so happy to have him in my life. He is confident in his own right – I don’t have to constantly stroke his ego!
And lastly, my kids are the center of my world. They respect me as a single parent, and I think I am doing a damn fine job given the circumstances. They are all amazing, loving, wonderful boys, and I can proudly say I have raised them on my own. I am very grateful every day for my children. Recently I apologized to my oldest for not being able to give him an adequate father figure, and that though I like sports and DIY projects, I was sorry that hunting and fishing were out of my realm. He replied, “It’s all good, Momma.” That’s all I need to hear.
