I have worked hard on myself to overcome some of the fears and insecurities I had as a result of an abusive (mentally and emotionally), co-dependent marriage. I can now trust without the fear I once felt, I can love without caution (well, to some extent), and I can be happy without putting that on anyone else.
With that said, we all have vulnerabilities, and I am the first to admit that on occasion, insecurities come to the forefront that I was not previously aware of, or that I thought I had worked through. Yes, these often raise up at "that time of the month", so there is some correlation to my hormones. (John Gray refers to this as The Well that women go into.) I just make sure to acknowledge how I am feeling and know that although it might be based somewhat in reality, it is also a skewed perception of said reality.
TK has been working 90+ hour weeks the last few weeks. He told me in the beginning that it would be a challenging next couple of weeks, but he did not tell me he wouldn't see me for a week at a time. I like to plan ahead - my Type A personality - and if I had known I wouldn't see him for a whole week, I could have handled that much better than wondering every day if I would see him. I sent him an email during that week, asking for more communication around weekly date nights, and to let me know if they weren't going to happen as early as he could (within reason). I got no response from that.
Lack of communication is a trigger for me, I have come to realize this. And because this happened at "that time of the month", it caused me to be a little bit insecure as it were. I counseled myself continuously that I knew he loved me, and that he would be in contact when he could. I also took to wearing a rubber band on my wrist - another tactic to remind myself that I needed to not text him constantly and ask when I would see him. He didn't need that pressure, he still has his kids to be a parent to as well, so I had to take a back seat (yet again) to everything else in his life.
So I put on the big girl panties and stayed busy. I spent a lot of time with my kids (they probably thought too much!), hung out with friends, worked on ripping out the flooring in the bathroom I was re-tiling...in essence, I lived my life as though my boyfriend was out of town or something. TK would bounce back every few days, expressing how much he missed me and wanted to see me. By the time that week was up, he was telling me he needed to see me. That was affirmation enough for me.
I had made it through!
But then one day this week he had an unexpected day off. I, however, ended up having several meetings thrown onto my calendar. We texted throughout the day - I had a cold and was finally feeling better, he asked how I was feeling and I told him the fog was lifting and I was okay. We exchanged several more texts throughout the day, and I didn't think twice about it. Of course, I was also anticipating seeing him that night for date night. I should learn not to assume.
See, I had told him previously that due to his work schedule and his children, he was "driving this bus". I had given him days that I was available (when little guy is with his dad), and it was up to him to let me know when he could fit me in, for lack of a better phrase. He had already asked for a standing reservation for Wednesdays (his normal day off), so anything beyond that was icing on the cake in my book. But I found that if I lowered my expectations and told myself I wouldn't see him, it was just easier...I didn't set myself up for the disappointment, and subsequent hurt for the few times it hadn't worked out the way I thought it would.
So what happened? I assumed we had a standing date. I should have kept my expectations low. Apparently he decided that I was not texting as much that day, and somehow perceived that I was upset with him. He ended up on a roller coaster, insecure about something, though in my mind, I still haven't figured out what triggered this. (We'll talk about it tonight.) I thought that perhaps something had happened with the kids, another pile I don't want to step in, so I waited.
Finally at 8:00 pm, he texts and asks how I'm doing. WTF? I respond that I'm fine, and asked how he was. He said he was good...and that was it. I was so annoyed by then - both with him and at myself - that I had to wait a bit before texting. I finally asked that if we weren't going to have the standing Wednesday night dates anymore, could he please let me know? We texted back and forth then, though I would much rather have spoken on the phone about it and resolved the issues, but he said he wasn't feeling well (sore throat, headache, upset stomach), so I didn't pursue that avenue.
Still, at one point the trigger hit: he told me he had felt insecure. I had not been texting as much and when I had, to him it seemed as though I was short and distant. He knew I hadn't felt well, and thought that was it, and that I didn't want to talk. Wow. So he had done the assuming. I had told him I felt better - I even went back through my texts to make sure I hadn't been short and distant. And then I started to panic a bit. I didn't want to deal with another insecure male. The last one had been plenty for one lifetime! But then he had been an addict and was so unhappy with himself that no one would ever make him happy...nothing I did was ever good enough.
I hadn't seen any signs of insecurity from TK in the four months we'd been dating. So why now? And what did I do about it? If he was truly not feeling well, then that might have caused his emotions to run a little higher. Still, I couldn't apologize for being busy at work! Though I did apologize for being short at 8 pm when I realized things had gone south. And he apologized as well.
I also pointed out that I had gone through a similar situation for the last several weeks - that he had seemed distant (because of work) and that I had kept myself busy and tried not to check my phone every five minutes. I admitted that it sucked but I had no other option. I think putting it perspective helped him to see it from my point of view, and what I had done to handle it. Not that I am perfect! I admit the insecurity I felt! But I didn't tell him - I handled it. I looked at myself to figure out why I felt the way I did, and determined the best course to change that. I am the only one responsible for how I feel, and so is he.
Still, I also know I am not responsible for his insecurities. That is something that he has to own and deal with and figure out why he feels that way. He told me that nothing I said or did caused him to feel that way, so at least he does recognize that it's something only he can work on. God, I don't think I could handle another co-dependent relationship! I will keep my eye out for any other signs, but I think this is just a bump in the road that we are navigating as best we can. I'll keep you posted.
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