A Mother's Day Weekend I Will Never Forget

I can’t even begin to describe the emotions I went through this weekend. With DS1 graduating college Saturday, I was on top of the world. I was so happy for him to reach this milestone in his life. He worked hard for it, in spite of all of the obstacles put in his way, and I am so proud of him for overcoming all he did to get here. I got a huge hug from him after his graduation, and neither of us wanted to let go.  And then seeing his comment on Facebook after his graduation party just made my day all over again: Oh I can't forget my momma for helping me get through these last 21+ years.  I just love my little boy!

Then he came home after the party because it was Mother’s Day the next day. Saturday night he went to the store and bought a card (I am assuming he had forgotten), and then all three boys went and got me flowers Sunday morning. T made me quiche for breakfast, and had flowers delivered later that day. And then that evening I opened cards and gifts from the boys, and two cards from T because he couldn’t choose between them so he bought them both. Awww. And DS3 gave me lots of hugs and told me how much he loved me. My heart was full.

DS2 had forgotten to get me a card, so he wrote me a note instead, and it brought me to tears. I started to read it but had to stop because I was crying. He even told me I didn’t have to read it right then, which was good because each time I tried, I started tearing up again. Here’s what he wrote:

You are the coolest, supportiveingest, best ever, lovingist, awesome mom in the world…but everything I just said, all those words I just made up, will never be enough for me to truly convey how amazing you are. I know I don’t tell you enough how much I love you or how much you mean to me, but I consider myself, and J and S, to be the luckiest sons in the world to have such an extraordinary mom. You’ve been there for each of us through everything and you are without a doubt the strongest person I know. You’ve been through a lot of crap and we’ve put you through a lot, ya know, money pits and all, but I know that I speak for all three of us in saying that I’m extremely grateful for all that you do. Every single thing. I’m so incredibly proud to call such a fantastic woman my mom. I’m just so proud of you. You’ve raised us almost entirely by yourself and we’ve all turned out fine (mostly…) You freaking ran 13.1 miles! That’s so awesome! I still wish I could’ve been there to see that. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you knew how happy I am to have you. You’re my favorite person in the world and I don’t know where/what I would be without you. I love you, Mom. Happy Mother’s Day. M

That right there….that’s what it’s all about. All of those years of dealing with my ex, all the crap I have had to put up with, taking the high road, trying to be strong, trying to hold the kids up and not let them see what a world class jerk their father was/is, making sure they did all that they were supposed to do and raise them right and to be moral, respectful people…all of that. All the things that I wasn’t sure I was even doing right came down to a 24-hour period when it came back to me in spades.

People tell you things when you are a divorced parent, about how to not disparage the other parent, to try to co-parent by always thinking of the kids first, to not fight in front of the kids, to not use the kids as go-betweens. Yeah, I did all of those things. But quite honestly, it drove me insane how people would judge me by STILL acting as though they had the right to speak to me like I didn’t already know that, as though I had any control over the other parent. He did what he pleased,, almost the opposite of what I would say or do. It didn't matter. And yet the kids KNOW things aren't right.

Often times it was his family who would say these things – “I see this all the time in my job, how the parents arguing is affecting the kid, and you two need to put your differences aside.” Or “You both need to work this out.”  Or “You can’t put the kids in the middle. You have to do what’s best for them.” Just who did these people think they were to give advice to ME? Because guess where they were getting their information from???

It didn’t take too long for the first one to figure out that his brother was lying to him. It took a little longer for the second one, but once he lied to his dad in the most egregious way possible, it put a scar on their relationship that still exists today, 13 years later. The third one was his mother. Now, I understand that motherly bond runs deep, and she did come around for a while. But then she started “drinking the KoolAid” again after several years, and I finally had to tell her that if she was going to listen to the lies he was telling her and then repeat them to my children (who were teenagers by then) and they KNEW the truth, then she needed to be prepared to deal with their feelings regarding those issues. Needless to say, her relationship with her grandsons has suffered somewhat in the last few years.

And you know what? I am indifferent. She made a choice and she has to live with it. I can see that it is hurting her, but I think she may be slowly coming around. She missed DS1’s college graduation due to the threat of thunderstorms and she didn’t feel comfortable driving 2 hours if they were to come to fruition (they didn’t). No one from that side of the family was there or attended the graduation party. How sad for them. DS1 was unconcerned – he is past their issues.

DS2’s high school graduation is this weekend and she swears that she will make it to that – though it is twice as far for her to drive and the threat for severe weather is just as strong. Neither of her grandsons is holding out hope that she will show – because of the family history, they are thinking that their father is having some influence over her. I hope that is not the case and the she has reached an age of maturity (finally!) and will do her best to be there for her grandkids. Because I would bet DS2’s entire college tuition that his father will not be.

The irony in all of this? Not sure there is any, but the ex is such a narcissist that he thinks he has a right to be at both graduations. And perhaps he does - he did have to pay half of DS1's college tuition per court order. But he did not help raise my boys. He merely donated some sperm to create these human beings, but he has done nothing to mold them into the young men they are today. And they are NOTHING like him. I want them to know that because they don’t want to be like him. They don’t like him. They say he is a crappy person, a horrible father, and a bully.And they are right.

DS2 asks why his dad thinks he deserves to be at his graduation when he abandoned him when he was three years old.  I explained that because in his mind he still doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He hasn’t come to terms with, and probably never will, the fact that in the boys’ minds he walked out on them, moved half way across the country, and didn’t talk to them for almost three months. And then when he did, he told them lies. And then he only contacted them sporadically. He finds it easier to blame me, and the boys for not calling him, than to accept accountability for his actions. He still holds onto that. Even when he came here to run the race that DS2 mentioned, that DS1 attended with me and his dad ran right by him without knowing it, he still had an excuse for not contacting the boys that weekend. The excuses eventually fell on deaf ears, as they had on my years before.

I told DS2 that he thinks it’s his right that as their father, he deserves to be there. And we aren’t telling him he can’t attend, just that the reserved tickets were going to be used by me, DS1 and DS3 and that DS2 had given his last ticket to a friend with a very large family. The ex countered that he thought DS2 got 6 tickets and expected 3 to be set aside for his family, but I pointed out that he was looking at a different high school’s website, one that DS2 did NOT attend (shows how much he knows about his son that he doesn't even know which high school he attends, and he's on the email list!). Also, DS2 was free to do with his tickets as he wished as he was an adult (he’s 18), and he said that his dad could attend and view in the overflow gym. But he asked this his father not attempt to speak to him or make a scene at graduation. We haven’t heard from him since. Nor did DS1 after telling him he wasn’t welcome at the after party being held at my sister's house.

DS1 has quoted Will Smith on Facebook: If you’re absent during my struggle, don’t expect to be present during my success. I think that speaks volumes. So to me the irony is in those things everyone said to me, how I should act, what I should do. I did those things, but I raised my boys by myself. AND THEY TURNED OUT GREAT!  The Facebook post and that note from DS2 – those were so worth the last 21+ years. Four years ago was a defining moment, when the older boys told me to stop taking the high road because they knew their dad was a POS and I didn’t need to cover for him anymore. This weekend, my boys showed me how much my actions, my love, means to them, and I will NEVER forget it.

What doesn't kill me...

I never realized my ex-husband was such a litigious person. Maybe he never was before, but he certainly was a bully – one of the reasons we are now divorced – so it stands to reason that if he doesn’t get his way, he is quick to run to his attorney. This has been an ongoing issue since our divorce was finalized in 2000. Yes, I said 2000, almost 14 years ago!

We had joint custody of our two sons (I say had because the oldest is almost 21), though I had primary physical custody. This was for the best, believe me. He doesn’t see them often at all, and the kids have developed a rather low opinion of him over time.  No Parent Alienation Syndrome here – the kids figured it out after he repeatedly let them down, then finally told ME it was time to let it all go.

Several times I have had to take him to court to get him to pay what he legally owes, even doing so a few times without legal representation. I am not a lawyer, and for the difficult stuff, I always would recommend to at least consult an attorney, but for medical/dental expenses or child support adjustments, it’s a pretty simple form and a 15-minute hearing. I have done it a few times and become quite good at it!

I do know my limitations, however. The latest was my ex’s failure to pay for his share of my oldest son’s college expenses. Without giving a fully detailed account of that, the gist of it is that he told my son over a year ago that he would no longer pay for college. Now, he can’t do that when it clearly states in our Separation Agreement that we both pay an equal share of college tuition, room and board at an in-state, four-year institution. He is required to pay even if now he doesn't want to.

Last August, I had again asked for the money that my ex-husband owed me, since I alone had been paying for my son to attend college. To me, it’s not even so much about the money as in affording my son the opportunity – and his dad telling him at the last minute that he wouldn’t pay really messes with the kid’s mind, especially since his dad had done the same thing right before his freshman year and my son was concerned he wouldn’t be able to attend college. I assured him that was not the case, made arrangements to make sure he would be able to, and then advised his father he’d have to cover his half. But the stress my son had to endure, each and every time his dad does this – that’s what gets to me.

Of course it’s been a long, drawn-out battle, and it doesn’t have to be. Immediately after my email to him last August, the ex went to his lawyer, apparently told some story that I was refusing to provide him documentation of what I had paid (of which he cannot provide proof – uh, since he never asked!), and they filed a motion in court. Of course what he put in the motion was not true, and had he asked for receipts, I would have provided them to him (I keep immaculate records, by the way.)

So, I was forced to enlist the services of my attorney. Now, my attorney has not met my ex – not this one, anyway – but from what he heard from me, he immediately said, “So, he’s a bully.” Wow, that’s the best description I had heard yet. My lawyer proceeded to tell me he had no qualms about taking this to court, that he felt I had a very good chance of getting the judge to see my side. Full disclosure: my son lived at home his second year in college, and so I was including room and board costs in my request for payment from the ex. My lawyer asked where I came up with the amount, and I included a study done by the university my son was attending, that compared costs of living off-campus with their parents, off-campus alone, or on-campus in the dorms. I used the amount they had estimated it would cost to live with parents, even though it seemed low to me at the time.

My lawyer agreed it was a reasonable amount, and then asked if it was okay to have his associate try the case, since he was half the price per hour, and my lawyer would still be there to assist him.  Worked for me!  And so far, it has worked. Unfortunately, though, after we filed the response to their motion and included all the documentation, quite a few weeks went by without hearing anything. So my lawyer contacted his lawyer only to find out that they were “not going to pursue the matter at this time”, essentially withdrawing their motion!

Um, hello, what??  By this time, I was already over $1,500 into what I had paid my lawyer. How is it okay for the ex to not even try to communicate with me but immediately get the lawyers involved, only to back off when he realized he really did owe me money? It’s not like I am lying about it! I have no reason to lie but I’m not stupid, either. What I learned a long time ago is that when #1 is doing something deceitful, he almost always tries to accuse me of doing the same thing. (Fact: he cheated at the end of our marriage and accused me of doing so, even though I was not. Our marriage counselor pointed that out to me…lesson learned.)

I met with my lawyer and told him that I still wanted to continue with this. #1 already owed me $3,000+, and I intended to have him repay that money with my lawyer’s fees included, because my oldest still has another year in college. AND I have another son that will be going to college in just over a year, and I don’t want to have to go through this with him as well. I filled out the necessary documentation for the court, and then his lawyer asked me to provide MORE information. I gave them everything they asked for, and then we waited. Oh, and my lawyer asked for items as well, though my ex was slow at providing them, so it just drug out.

And still nothing happened. Finally, I was sick of it and met again with my lawyer in December. He had the paperwork ready to go, so we filed a motion to recoup the expenses, plus my lawyer’s fees, IN ADDITION TO have the child support refigured. I had estimated my ex’s income and because he had failed to keep the court informed of his income regularly as required, we had just found out that I was about $20,000 short! Not only would my support increase, it would go up $300 a month.

In the county where I live, and where our divorce was finalized, a table was created years ago to aid in determination of child support amounts. Basically, both parents’ income is combined, the ages of the children are entered, and the support obligation is returned. They then take the percentage of total income that is #1’s and apply that to the total support.  That’s what he owes each month. There are a few other things that are considered, such as the fact I pay the health/dental insurance premiums and the ex gets a pay differential for living in a different state with a higher cost of living. But all in all, it’s not something that is really negotiable in court, especially since the teenager no longer goes to visit him, so he doesn’t get credit for travel expenses.

We filed a counter-motion in December…December 30^th to be exact. Which means any ruling will be retroactive to the first of that month. Not only will the support increase, he will also owe me a lump sum at that time of five months of retroactive increase. This was also included in the motion to the court. Of course his attorney then asked for even more paperwork, and I again provided them all they asked for within 24 hours. The next time I talked to my lawyer, he was setting up a court date but it was going to be June before we could get a 2-3 hour block of time to have the judge hear everything! He told me he got the impression from the opposing attorney that her client was requesting that she drag this out – probably so I would just give up. Grrrrrr.

My suggestion then was to split the support out, as it would could get that scheduled sooner as a 15-minute hearing before a trustee, and then we could do the other in a trial before the judge. He agreed and set up the dates – April 7^th for the trustee, and the end of June for the expenses.

It didn’t take long for his attorney to again ask for more information – specifically my 2013 tax return, and then proof of a bonus that my ex supposedly heard that my employer pays to its employees in the first quarter each year! First, I do NOT get a bonus. Second, even if I did receive one, it would have appeared at least on the end-of-the-year pay stub I’d provided, or on my W2, or the very least on my tax return. Third, an increase in my income increases the overall amount of our combined incomes, which also increases the overall amount of child support!!  Is he really that stupid? So not only did I send the most recent pay stub, but I sent several from last March/April, as well as the end of the year one, and my 2013 W-2 AGAIN. Can’t have too much proof, in my opinion.

Also, I was pretty sure #1 was being deceitful again, saying I received a bonus because he was trying to cover one up. My lawyer has uncovered some evidence that he does receive one through an incentive plan, and when he questioned why #1 hadn’t provided a copy of his 2013 tax return yet, my lawyer was told that #1 had not yet filed it. Um, the deadline is in 11 days! And since often times bonuses are paid out on a separate check and a separate W-2, I am convinced that he is not wanting us to find out that he received one; hence, not giving us a copy of his return. Fishy.

Now to date, I have paid my lawyer $2,000 and I just got the most recent bill – I owe him another $1,500. Which means if we go to court in June, I will probably have paid him well over $4,000 when all is said and done. #1’s lawyer charges a LOT more than my lawyer does, I’m sure. I don’t understand why he’s willing to pay $6-7,000+ to avoid paying me the $3,000 he knows he owed, except his MO in the past was to avoid giving me any money directly at all costs.  Not that it makes any sense…

I am not sure what the premise behind this is as I have never misspent any money. Matter of fact, my children are very well cared for and live in a lovely home that I pay for, but I think that’s what irks him and drives him to do these things…he can’t accept that I can raise the boys on my own without any help from him. Yes, I get support, but it barely covers car/health insurance and food for the teenager, and I get nothing for the oldest, though I do pay his car/health insurance, tags/taxes, cell phone and help him with food, car repairs and spending money. And I haven’t asked for reimbursement for those things because I know I wouldn’t win – they aren’t covered in our agreement, and my oldest is over 20 years old.

I sat down and determined how much my mortgage, utilities and food costs were the year that my son lived at home (well, the 9 months of his sophomore year, since that’s what the university had also used, and how long he would have lived in the dorms). I told my lawyer I was doing this since the ex had determined that the $568 a month the university had estimated was too high, and that it was more like $200 a month.  Has he not fed a growing teenager??? So I figured it all up.  Drum roll please – the final amount per month was over $800! My lawyer laughed so hard at that! Food costs alone for my son were almost $300 a month. And the ex didn’t even want to pay me enough money to reimburse for food, let alone other living expenses!

My lawyer sent this information to his lawyer, with a request again to reimburse me for the $568 a month, OR when we go to court, we will present the actual costs to the judge. I’m not sure if it will work, but hey, at least it shows I am willing to compromise, right? And now not only have they come back asking what kind of settlement we can reach with the support, but are willing to settle with the expenses as well. Thing is, I am insisting on him paying my attorney’s fees. Our Separation Agreement states as well that any parent found in default, such as not paying medical/dental/college expenses as required, will pay the other parent’s attorney’s fees.  

If I don’t get the fees paid, I am already in the red, which just sucks. Honestly? I don’t believe he will want to settle if I present him with a request for at least $7,000 for the expenses, and if he makes what my lawyer thinks he makes, another $2,500 in back support. I would go as low as $8,500 total, or $7,500 if he makes less. But that’s it. I truly believe I would win in court, so I will take my chances otherwise.

Really, I just shake my head. I know that sometimes they can argue against paying the fees, and it just depends on how the judge feels that day. But I have every reason to believe the judge will rule in my favor, and that’s why I am not budging from what he owes. Oh, and did I mention that somewhere in there he paid off my son’s student loan, a loan my son HAD to take to go to school last semester because his dad wouldn’t pay? And he paid it off AFTER he met with his attorney in August, who probably told him he was going to have to pay. Yet, he didn’t tell me or my son. We found out in November when they sent us documentation about what HE had paid.

Yeah, it’s really just a pissing contest for him. He’s just a bully and gets his kicks out of making my life difficult, but he is really hurting his kids. The thing that he doesn’t get is that aside from paying my attorney, I find my ex a laughing stock. He has destroyed any possibility of a relationship with his oldest son, and the teenager is right behind him. Neither of them want anything to do with their dad. It’s pretty sad, really. I am angry to some extent, but only because of how my kids are treated by their own father. But on the other hand, I laugh because I am indifferent…I just don’t care. He’s a selfish jerk who thinks he can bully anyone to get his way. What surprises me is that he still tries to insist I have or have not done something when it is quite easy to provide emails as proof. And because I am OCD, my documentation is always in order, something my attorney commented on because it made his job so much easier!

I’ve also learned that when #1 calls my parenting skills into question, it is a reflection on him and not on me. I know I am good parent. I make mistakes but the difference is that I own my mistakes to my kids so that we all learn a lesson. I am raising them to have ethics, be moral, to tell the truth, to help others – all things that their father fails at. If he can’t even be there to help raise his own kids, well then, I’ve proven my point. My kids are amazing and I actually get compliments all the time with how well-behaved they are. They’re just great kids – I can’t take all the credit. J

The moral of this? I’m not sure there is one. I had tried to avoid court by asking him to comply with our agreement, to no avail. And because my son cannot sue him to get compensation, I had to do it – I’m the only one that can, since it was an agreement between US, backed up by the court. I guess it comes down to the fact you can mess with me, and I really could care less. But if you mess with my kids, you better have back up and a helluva lot of proof.

To live together, or not...???

Having been married twice already, I am a little gun-shy about the prospect of ever doing it again.  I am not adverse to living together, but I am not sure I can do the marriage vows a third time.  And this has nothing to do with TK, and everything to do with me.  I will never say never, and I have told him this, but it’s not on my horizon at this time.  TK told me early on that he thinks he would want to get married again, but that it took him a long time to even consider that.  (His wife passed away five years ago, and their marriage was not solid at the time.) 

We have only been dating for four months, so in my opinion, it’s still a ways off.  Having said that, this relationship moved quickly, and we felt strongly about each other from the beginning.  Not just in a physical sense, but with the emotional bond we developed.  We both felt it – it’s like we knew what we wanted and what we didn’t want, and when the right person was put in front of us, it just hit us.  Maybe it’s our age, or what we’ve been through in life, I don’t know.  But I could easily see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

We’ve both tip-toed around the subject of what we eventually want, though we do agree a long-term relationship with each other, for sure.  That’s a start.  We have been exclusive from the beginning, and I trust him.  He’s mentioned that he would love to come home to me at the end of the day – though I think he was afraid to say that much because I might get scared.  But I didn’t.  I found it very sweet and told him so.  A month or so later, I mentioned to him that I would like to wake up next to him every day.  Once he realized what I meant, though, he got a little freaked out.  He said it wasn’t anything to do with me, but trust issues on his part.  We have yet to talk about that because I don’t want to scare him.  But we’ve got time….neither of us is going anywhere.

Part of our apprehension probably stems from our past relationships.  Most of mine is because of my independence - I don’t want to give that up – and I have worked through all the other issues.  I love my freedom - to do what I want, to paint the house any color I want, to not have to ask someone else for their opinion if I want to buy something…  But I guess that is outweighed by what I would gain by having him in my life, by my side, every single day.

Selfishly, I do enjoy the weekends that the little guy is with his dad.  I miss him, sure, but with the teen working or out with his friends, I have those weekends almost entirely to myself.  I love it;  I can do whatever I want!   Have lunch with friends, volunteer, do yard work, build some walls in my basement, read by the pool.  I also know that at some point my need for that much time to myself will lessen, probably as my desire to be with TK grows.  And it is definitely growing.

I have to say that I have considered what it would be like to have him and his kids move in with me.  I have a great house with plenty of room, and it would make the most sense.  He loves my house and so do his kids, plus it is much more energy-efficient than his, and there are other pluses, too.  What would happen to his house, I don’t know…he could sell it or allow his sister and dad to continue to live there and pay him rent.  Those are details that would get worked out when/if it comes to fruition.  Just some thoughts I have had.  I have to remember to be open to his suggestions as well, when the time comes…part of that Type A control thing I am trying to rein in.

If they do move in, however, it will mean a big change.  No more free time for me, not to the same extent as I have had in the past, and I have to be at the point where I am okay with that.  I will be a mother “figure” to two more children, one a girl – I have never had a daughter.   More food to prepare at meal times, more laundry to do, my laundry to oversee, more fights to intervene in…

But it means a big change for TK as well.  He’s used to his independence, too, raising his kids on his own, though he has had tremendous help from his dad and former in-laws, as well as his sister.  Living with me would mean an end of sorts for that help, because I would plan on helping get the kids to their practices and games, just as I do now. 

And an adjustment for all of the kids – including the college kid.  He is the only one I have even broached the subject with, and surprisingly, he was not opposed.  I think he sees how happy I am and just wants me to be happy.  He even offered to help them move, if the time comes, as long as I am certain and they aren’t moving out a year later. Yeah, me, too.

It’ll be a matter of weighing the pros and cons and talking it through, though.  I would plan, insist on, keeping our finances separate.  I don’t think he’d have a problem with that – I would just ask that he pay a set amount of “rent” each month to help with the bills, and I hope it would be less than what he pays now.  Without his dad asking for money all the time, and with hopefully a lesser outlay of money for bills, he should benefit financially as well.  The kids get a nice house in a great neighborhood, another dog, and other playmates.

I understand that some people would have an issue with a single mom considering moving in with her boyfriend without the benefit of marriage.  It’s not like I am asking him to support me.  Nope, as a matter of fact, I make more than he does, and he doesn’t appear to be intimidated by this.  If it comes down to TK or the kids needing health insurance or something catastrophic (God forbid), then of course, I would consider marriage, but then again, I might consider it sooner.  Who knows? 

I can’t predict what will happen.  All I can say is that these thoughts have gone through my head and haven’t even been spoken aloud.  I’m just trying them on for size.  And I know that as long as I am waffling, that I am not quite ready to discuss it with him.  I think this is what I want, but I still have to work through everything in my head and feel that I am at least closer to 100% ready before I broach the subject with TK.  Who knows?  He may have it in his head that we won’t live together until all of the kids are out of the house.  Ah, the art of compromise…

Triggers in a new relationship

I have worked hard on myself to overcome some of the fears and insecurities I had as a result of an abusive (mentally and emotionally), co-dependent marriage.  I can now trust without the fear I once felt, I can love without caution (well, to some extent), and I can be happy without putting that on anyone else. 

With that said, we all have vulnerabilities, and I am the first to admit that on occasion, insecurities come to the forefront that I was not previously aware of, or that I thought I had worked through.  Yes, these often raise up at "that time of the month", so there is some correlation to my hormones.  (John Gray refers to this as The Well that women go into.)  I just make sure to acknowledge how I am feeling and know that although it might be based somewhat in reality, it is also a skewed perception of said reality.

TK has been working 90+ hour weeks the last few weeks.  He told me in the beginning that it would be a challenging next couple of weeks, but he did not tell me he wouldn't see me for a week at a time.  I like to plan ahead - my Type A personality - and if I had known I wouldn't see him for a whole week, I could have handled that much better than wondering every day if I would see him.  I sent him an email during that week, asking for more communication around weekly date nights, and to let me know if they weren't going to happen as early as he could (within reason).  I got no response from that.

Lack of communication is a trigger for me, I have come to realize this.  And because this happened at "that time of the month", it caused me to be a little bit insecure as it were.  I counseled myself continuously that I knew he loved me, and that he would be in contact when he could.  I also took to wearing a rubber band on my wrist - another tactic to remind myself that I needed to not text him constantly and ask when I would see him.  He didn't need that pressure, he still has his kids to be a parent to as well, so I had to take a back seat (yet again) to everything else in his life. 

So I put on the big girl panties and stayed busy.  I spent a lot of time with my kids (they probably thought too much!), hung out with friends, worked on ripping out the flooring in the bathroom I was re-tiling...in essence, I lived my life as though my boyfriend was out of town or something.  TK would bounce back every few days, expressing how much he missed me and wanted to see me.  By the time that week was up, he was telling me he needed to see me.  That was affirmation enough for me.
I had made it through!

But then one day this week he had an unexpected day off.  I, however, ended up having several meetings thrown onto my calendar.  We texted throughout the day - I had a cold and was finally feeling better, he asked how I was feeling and I told him the fog was lifting and I was okay.  We exchanged several more texts throughout the day, and I didn't think twice about it.  Of course, I was also anticipating seeing him that night for date night.  I should learn not to assume.

See, I had told him previously that due to his work schedule and his children, he was "driving this bus".  I had given him days that I was available (when little guy is with his dad), and it was up to him to let me know when he could fit me in, for lack of a better phrase.  He had already asked for a standing reservation for Wednesdays (his normal day off), so anything beyond that was icing on the cake in my book.  But I found that if I lowered my expectations and told myself I wouldn't see him, it was just easier...I didn't set myself up for the disappointment, and subsequent hurt for the few times it hadn't worked out the way I thought it would.

So what happened?  I assumed we had a standing date.  I should have kept my expectations low.  Apparently he decided that I was not texting as much that day, and somehow perceived that I was upset with him.  He ended up on a roller coaster, insecure about something, though in my mind, I still haven't figured out what triggered this.  (We'll talk about it tonight.)  I thought that perhaps something had happened with the kids, another pile I don't want to step in, so I waited.

Finally at 8:00 pm, he texts and asks how I'm doing.  WTF?  I respond that I'm fine, and asked how he was.  He said he was good...and that was it.  I was so annoyed by then - both with him and at myself - that I had to wait a bit before texting.  I finally asked that if we weren't going to have the standing Wednesday night dates anymore, could he please let me know?  We texted back and forth then, though I would much rather have spoken on the phone about it and resolved the issues, but he said he wasn't feeling well (sore throat, headache, upset stomach), so I didn't pursue that avenue.

Still, at one point the trigger hit: he told me he had felt insecure.  I had not been texting as much and when I had, to him it seemed as though I was short and distant.  He knew I hadn't felt well, and thought that was it, and that I didn't want to talk.  Wow.  So he had done the assuming.  I had told him I felt better - I even went back through my texts to make sure I hadn't been short and distant.  And then I started to panic a bit.  I didn't want to deal with another insecure male.  The last one had been plenty for one lifetime!  But then he had been an addict and was so unhappy with himself that no one would ever make him happy...nothing I did was ever good enough.

I hadn't seen any signs of  insecurity from TK in the four months we'd been dating.  So why now?  And what did I do about it?  If he was truly not feeling well, then that might have caused his emotions to run a little higher.  Still, I couldn't apologize for being busy at work!  Though I did apologize for being short at 8 pm when I realized things had gone south.  And he apologized as well.

I also pointed out that I had gone through a similar situation for the last several weeks - that he had seemed distant (because of work) and that I had kept myself busy and tried not to check my phone every five minutes.  I admitted that it sucked but I had no other option.  I think putting it perspective helped him to see it from my point of view, and what I had done to handle it.  Not that I am perfect!  I admit the insecurity I felt!  But I didn't tell him - I handled it.  I looked at myself to figure out why I felt the way I did, and determined the best course to change that.  I am the only one responsible for how I feel, and so is he.

Still, I also know I am not responsible for his insecurities.  That is something that he has to own and deal with and figure out why he feels that way.  He told me that nothing I said or did caused him to feel that way, so at least he does recognize that it's something only he can work on.  God, I don't think I could handle another co-dependent relationship!  I will keep my eye out for any other signs, but I think this is just a bump in the road that we are navigating as best we can.  I'll keep you posted. 

Dating a younger man

When I first spotted TK at our sons' baseball game, I honestly thought he was my age.  He looked like he was at least forty, had more grey hair than even salt-and-pepper, and was thinning out on top just a tiny bit.  To me, he looked distinguished, and quite handsome.  (I think distinguished is a word we women use to refer to a gentleman who perhaps may look a bit older, certainly not younger, but still quite easy on the eyes.)  I admit I was intrigued.  And when I caught him looking my way, those beautiful light blue eyes captivated me.  I had to know more about him.

My dad was a cop my entire life, and only just recently retired completely from law enforcement.  He instilled in me a guarded optimism - it's not that I am not trusting, but I do hedge my bets when I feel it is necessary.  And after some of the men I have met in my life, I am conditioned to be quite careful in that regards.  So yes, I Google people.  I have discovered quite a bit when doing so, and have outed several men in lies they were perpetuating (the worst one being that a particular male had a restraining order against him for stalking a woman three months before we began talking, something that did not actually surprise me from the way he had been acting... and I ended it right then.) 

I did Google TK, but really didn't learn much.  I had heard from his son that his wife had passed away, and I did find her obituary online.  It gave her age at the time, five years previously, so I assumed that TK was about her age, making him about five years younger than me.  Okay, I could deal with that.  I have been told quite often that I look younger than I actually am - people used to tell my mom that, too, so it must be in my genes.  If I look younger, and he looks older...

A few weeks later, I was bored so I Googled him again, and finally found an age for him.  Hmmm, it appeared he might actually be seven years younger than me, not five like I had thought.  Which would also mean that his wife was older than him, giving the impression that he liked older women?  Still, I didn't have a problem with that, and I wasn't sure the age listed was correct anyway - you know how the internet is.  Heck, sometimes they have #2's age listed as mine and he is four years older than me!  Oh, no, we can't have that! 

Once TK and I actually started talking, we briefly joked about Googling each other, but I never told him what I had found.  We had danced around the age thing, with me never actually telling him how old I was.  I know he had Googled me, trying to guess my middle name, and I warned him not to believe what age he might find (meaning that #2's might be listed instead).  One day, after weeks had gone by, I asked if he had figured out how old I was.  He replied that he thought he knew how old I was, but he had seen me in a bikini and there was no way I was the age Google told him I was.  Awwww!  That was one helluva compliment! 

I don't think I have an issue with my age (45), because I look and feel much younger.  I have to admit, a couple of years ago, I probably did look my age.  But I started running and taking better care of myself, and became more diligent about keeping the grey out of my hair, plus I think the confidence I feel with myself and in my life helps project a more youthful appearance.  In any event, I firmly believe you are only as old as you feel, and I'm going with 35.  Of course, when I have a twenty-year-old son, it's a little hard to explain that I didn't have him when I was fifteen!

So yeah, I think TK has figured out my age, but he just doesn't care.  If anything, I am probably more youthful than him.  He has said that years of working in his industry has put major strain on his knees, so he feels his age a lot more than I do.  He was never a runner, but for whatever reason, after we started dating, he took up running and actually enjoys it.  To me, running makes me feel younger and more alive, and I hope that's how he feels, too.  We haven't actually run together yet - I don't know if he is intimidated by me because I have been running longer, or if I am intimidated by his younger, male body, but in March, we will be running a half marathon together.  I ran my first one last month and it was one of the greatest achievements of my life - and a bucket list item I got to check off.  The elation I felt after was incredible - so much so that I added completing a full marathon to my bucket list.  Let's see if the younger man can keep up with me for that!

All in all, I have no qualms about dating a man seven years my junior.  As long as it doesn't bother him, I am good.  I think he finally knows my age - one day he asked me what my Chinese Zodiac sign was, I guess to see if we were supposed to be compatible, and asked if it was the rat.  I said no, I think it's the monkey, then teased him that he only asked because he was trying to figure out how old I was.  So now he knows what year I was born, he knows my birthday...I imagine he's smart enough to do the math.

Someone called me a cougar one day, and I was not offended.  I mean, I certainly didn't set out to go after a younger man.  Matter of fact, on my online dating profile, I only put that I was seeking a man a couple of years younger to approximately ten years older than me.  I just didn't think someone that much younger than me would be interested.  Besides, I didn't set out to be a cougar, and yet the title means nothing to me.  Another friend who is TK's age, joked with me about going after the younger men.  I told him that it's not that I go after them, but that age range seems to be the ones interested in ME (my last relationship was with a man-boy who was 38).  Who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 

I do have limits.  I personally could not date someone who was young enough to be my son.  Ewwww.  Besides the ewww factor my son would feel.  And what if they would want to have kids????  Nope, I think this baby factory is closed.  The only way that would happen is if I won the lottery and didn't have to work anymore or worry about money and financing college.  And I don't see THAT happening!  (Can't win if you don't play, right?) 

Maybe it helps that TK looks older than his age.  I won't tell him that, but it's true.  It puts us more on the same level.  So if I start showing my age, and he is already looking a bit more distinguished, then I don't think he'll turn me over for a younger model.  At least I hope not.  But I can't think about that.  Ex #2 turned me over for an older one!  LOL!  I guess it's not really an issue for me.  As long as I am happy with TK and he is happy with me, then I will live in the moment and enjoy the love of a (much) younger man. :-)

Falling into the-L-word

Honestly, I have never been in a relationship where I have said the L word first.  I am not sure if I felt it first, but if I did, I certainly didn't say it.  I can't tell you why, it's just the way I wanted it to go, the way I felt it should be.  Now, almost everything I read online says you should let the guy tell you first since they guide the relationship more - you don't want to scare them away.  Maybe there's some truth to that, I don't know.  I would just rather do what comes naturally.

I have also read a few articles that say men want you to open up to them, be emotionally honest, because that helps them feel more comfortable opening up to you.  Okay, I get that, too, but there is a fine line between the two that we women have to walk.  I think it's like a tight rope - one slip either way, and you're doomed.

Up til this year, there have been three boys/men that I have been in love with in my life, and I might have loved a fourth - I just can't honestly say because I ran from my feelings back then. (Don't worry, I did contact him years later to apologize and we are friends again.)  The last time, though, I was scared to death when he told me.  I think I saw it coming and even avoided situations where he might say those words out loud.  I was recently divorced, he's the first guy I dated after...  Let's just say I was a wounded rabbit that should have taken a lot more time to heal from the demise of my last marriage before jumping into a serious relationship.  But no one told me that then...

Oh, he pursued me, relentlessly!  And eventually, I caved.  We married.  We had a son.  Things went very bad.  I kicked him out.  We got divorced.  And I thought I would probably never want to get married again, let alone fall in love with anyone.  I mean, #2 changed before my eyes and I just didn't see it happening.  Could that happen again?  Yes, possibly.  So that's why just casually dating someone had such appeal.  If I kept them at a distance, I couldn't get hurt, right?

When TK and I first started texting/talking, it was as though he could read my mind.  When I asked him what characteristics he found attractive, he described me to a T, and this is before we knew each other.  I also told him what I was looking for in a partner, and knowing him like I do now, I realize I had chosen someone who fit every single trait.  I couldn't wait to get to know him better, though I tried to go slow, take my time.  The first time he referred to me as his girlfriend, I flipped out a bit - he had no idea at the time, but I did come back and say I didn't feel I had earned the girlfriend title, since it had only been two weeks.  I asked him to be patient with me, give me time, and he did.   I think it was only about a week later that I was hooked, and relented on the girlfriend label.

We have similar parenting styles, we make each other laugh, we support each other, we are extremely attracted to each other, we thoroughly enjoy each other's company - especially when just doing the mundane things like shopping or cooking.  The day of our first "family" outing, that I previously referred to in another post...that's the day he said he felt it.  We were at the Irish Fest held each year at Crown Center.  I remember sitting in Washington Square Park watching my son and his daughter climb a rock wall.  I saw him walking towards me out of the corner of my eye, but I kept my eyes on the kids.  I saw him stop and just stare at me for the longest time, a little smile playing on his face.  As he started towards me again, I turned and gave him a big smile, and that's apparently what did it.  He told me later that he wanted to tell me right then, in that moment, but he couldn't because it wasn't "part of our vocabulary yet".  Yet I think it stunned him a bit that it came to him so naturally, as though we had been saying to each other for years, so it's probably best that he waited a few more days.

Later that evening, I sent him an email.  I told him how I felt, without using the L word.  He asked if I had crossed the line, no turning back.  Before I could respond, he told me he had.  I asked when, and he said probably from day one.  (Wow!)  He told me that he had had to bite his tongue several times to keep himself in check, because he didn't want to do or say anything to make me uncomfortable or scare me off.  I told him I want him to talk to me about his feelings, and he said he would in time, he didn't want to rush anything though it also felt impossible to slow it, us, down.
I felt a lot of feelings for him by this time, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to call it love.  Doing more research on the subject didn't help much, unless I wanted to determine when the right time was to tell my first love that I loved him.  How do you tell someone twenty-plus years later?  Things are just different when you're in your 40s.  I wasn't looking for someone to father my children, or someone to support me.  And I had been through enough in my life to know what I didn't want, and have an idea of what I DID want. 

As I started thinking more about it, I realized that what I felt was different than anything I'd ever felt before.  Perhaps it was love.  It was quite a strong emotion, that's for sure.  It felt different because I was different - I was a different person than I had been at those other times in my life, I was at a different place in my life with a different outlook, and it was okay to feel this way.  Again, I didn't say anything more to him about it - I wanted to savor this feeling for a bit.

Less than a week later, we spent an afternoon off together.  At one point he pulled me close, and told me he wanted to tell me something.  I'll keep the details to myself, but he said those words to me.  And it felt so right and natural, that I said them back to him.  They've been in our vocabulary ever since.

Dating and the single parent

When I was finalizing my divorce, I thought at the time that I wanted to date a man with no children.  I thought he would have more time for me, would possibly be available when I was without having to rearrange schedules, we wouldn't have to worry about finding a place to be alone with no kids around.  (Shut up, don't judge, I was naive, okay?)  But one of my college boyfriends pointed out that perhaps I should consider dating someone with kids.  Wouldn't they better be able to relate to me as a single parent if they were in the same boat?

So I thought about it, and realized he was right.  And not just because he was single and had kids (we did try that out, but he lives too far away), but he had a good point.  Just like having a boss that has kids is more relatable to what you go through as a parent than one that has never had children, so is the man that eventually won me over.

We met through out kids' baseball team, and we have discovered that we have similar parenting styles.  However, his wife passed away years ago, so his children don't have a mother in their lives.  Then again, #1 is not active in my kids' lives, and #2 has issues and isn't exactly a stellar hands-on parent, so though their dads are alive, it doesn't make them parents.  (I refer to them both as sperm donors in my head, at least!)  So essentially, we are in similar situations.

Because my youngest goes to his dad's every other weekend, that's the time I set aside to date.  I realize it's not a lot of time, but I'd rather not take any time away from the kids until I get to know the person I am seeing.   The oldest is off at college so I don't have to worry about planning around him.  The teen is usually busy with school, his friends or work, so I try to see him when he isn't busy, and work around that. 

TK and I spent our first "date" just talking at my house.  He had worked, so it was late in the evening when he finally arrived, and he brought chocolate!  We'd only been talking for a week, and he already knew the way to my heart.  We talked well into the night.  When he finally mentioned heading home, I realized if I wanted to kiss him, I was going to have to do it.  And so I did.  He finally left four hours later, after we had stayed up all night.  All I knew then was that I wanted to get to know him better.  (And in case you were wondering, nothing further happened since the teen was asleep upstairs!)

Of course, that also meant that he had had no sleep and went home to spend the day with his children.  He managed to sneak in some naps and go to bed fairly early.  At least I was able to go to sleep after the teen went to work, and he never knew I had been up all night.  Oh, the things we do to keep our kids in the dark!

I didn't hide my relationship with TK from the kids, but I also didn't flaunt it to them.  First of all, I have this thing where I am afraid to say too much to anyone too soon.  Not in a superstitious way, but if it doesn't work out, I won't have to explain much to anyone this way.  Second, my kids are aware that I date some, but because of what happened when I gave the older ones a stepfather (still some residual guilt there), I am VERY protective of who I bring around my children.  I would rather my kids feel safe and secure in the knowledge that I love them and will always be there for them, and my wants on a personal level are secondary to that.   Now, I am not saying that I plan to remain celibate, but again, it's not a subject I want to discuss with my kids, so if I keep them removed from it, I won't have to.

My kids had all been around TK at ball games, though at the time they were like me - we knew who he was but didn't interact with him much at all.  Eventually, the oldest ascertained there was a budding interest on my part, but I didn't give him any details and he quietly refrained from giving me any grief about it.  I have a wonderful relationship with my boys, and they love to tease me good-naturedly.  Perhaps he sensed something different with this one, I don't know, but he didn't ask any questions and I let it be for awhile. 

It was about two weeks in when I invited TK and his son to a pool party/BBQ at my house.  TK was working but his son came to the party, and TK came to the party when he got off of work.  I figured if we were going to be seeing each other, our kids would be spending time together, too, and it went well.  The poor man was also subjected to both my brother and over-protective cousin, and he came out the other side none the worse.  I guess he passed some kind of test!  The kids all played well together, and the party was still going strong at 2:00 am.  (Apparently, I throw some kind of party!)

Because of his work schedule, the best we can usually do is to sneak time alone after he got off work, always at my house when the littlest is at his dad's and the teen is out or asleep.  We have managed a few dinners out as well, and a quiet afternoon alone on occasion.  After about six weeks, he suggested an outing with his kids and my youngest.  (The teen was working that day.)  It was a fabulous day!  And apparently, it was the day that sealed the deal for him, but that will be another post.

It hasn't been easy, trying to find that balance.  Somehow, my life is a bit calmer than his, I have a much better, more flexible work schedule that suits single-parenthood well, so my life is somewhat more manageable than his might seem.  I also have the occasional "break" from my hectic life when my youngest goes to his dad's.  I used to feel so sad when my son left, then I tried to look at that time as opportunities to do things for me, and now that's the time I can set aside to see TK, when he's not working or with his kids.

One of the things that I told him in the beginning was that I understand that his kids will always come first, and that's okay.  There have been times that he has had to leave because one of the kids is sick, and I keep my disappointment at bay because I would do the same thing.  What has been more difficult is realizing that his work comes second.  That has been the one area I have really pushed for communication in, because his work is so unpredictable, and many times it has impacted plans we have had.  I get to see him so infrequently that this has become a bigger issue than I hoped it would be.  I feel like the kid picked last in gym class, that I get the scraps left over, but that's what I signed up for.  So I pull up my big girl panties, give him the space he needs, and live my life.  (John Gray would be so proud!)

I still have friends and refuse to make them take a backseat to a man, so I make sure I have time for them, and that I keep running, and doing the things that make me happy.  In addition to all the family stuff, of course!  Somehow, we are making it work.  The boys are gradually adjusting to this person in my life, and they seem to like him, which is a huge plus.  They also a know that I am not trying to give them a new dad.  No, this relationship is for ME first.  That may sound selfish, but if I'm not happy, what's the point?  And it's not like I'm going after the "bad boy" rebel who would not be a good role model for anyone.  This one, though?  He's a good dad - I can spot them a mile away - and that's a huge turn-on for me at this point.  (Oh, the irony!) 

But with the right person, and I think he is, eventually we might all become some sort of family.  Maybe not in the classic sense, because let's face it - we are waaaaay past that!  But a family unit that works for us. 

Be Happy!!!

Yes, it may be my tagline, but it is sooooo true!  I cannot emphasize enough how important it is!  Never, ever put your happiness in someone else's hands....it's too easy to lose that way.  Nope, only you are responsible for your own happiness, no one else.  Let me explain.

If you meet the man you think is Mr. Right, and you fall totally, helplessly in love with him, want to devote yourself to him, spend ALL your time with him, and he ends up walking away, what are you left with?  A broken heart, for sure, but you've alienated all of your friends in the meantime because you thought he was the one - you lost yourself in him, and in the end, YOU is all you have left.  Not to mention you attached your self-esteem to him by giving him every ounce of your being.  Do NOT do that.  You are more important than that, you are worth more than that, you need that sense of self!  And what you need to do is love yourself. 

How do you do that?  Well, it might be hard work at first.  You will need to look inside yourself, really take a good, honest look, and see if you like what you see.  Not what others might see, but what YOU see.  And if you don't, if there are things about yourself that you don't necessarily like, or aren't happy with, then change.  Make a concerted effort to work on yourself and your issues.  I'm not saying you have to fix everything - we're all perfectly imperfect.  But I guarantee you as you work on yourself, you will begin to LIKE yourself, a little more every day, until you are so happy with your life and yourself that you will exude confidence.  And what do most men look for in a woman?  I can guarantee you that confidence is high on the list!  Girls that completely immerse themselves in their man gradually lose their confidence as they lose their self-awareness, and insecurities start to niggle at them.  Don't let that happen to you! 

Yes, I know this from experience, and it was a hard lesson to learn.  With #2, I KNEW this and even during the unhappy times in our marriage, I was still a relatively happy person.  I could separate myself from him and focus on my kids, or even myself, but being an addict, he couldn't understand why...mostly because he couldn't work on himself.  Yes, I got blamed for his unhappiness, but I also knew it wasn't true.  He was in counseling, but from the things he brought back from his sessions, I knew he wasn't telling the truth.  As I learned how he was slipping away from his program, I realized more than ever I had to keep true to myself, lest he bring me down with him.  Plus, I had three kids to protect.

Ultimately, his addictions won out and manifested in other ways - the affair being the culmination.  I guess I should have seen it coming, but I was so focused on just trying to survive.  More and more things began to add up, and I finally realized I couldn't do it anymore.  I was quickly becoming unhappy in this marriage, and it was apparent the marriage was crumbling anyway.  (No way was I going to allow him to stay married to me while he slept with someone else!)  And so I kicked him out.  Oh, it wasn't easy and he fought like a tiger (especially because I only gave him a week to get out), but in the end, it was for the best.  Once I'd made the decision, a huge burden was lifted, and that burden pretty much disappeared by the time he left. 

Almost instantly, there was a change in the atmosphere in my house, and I knew I had made the right decision.  Granted, I had to work through the fact that I should have done it a lot sooner - he had made our lives miserable for too long.  I own that, I accept it, and I have worked to help my kids deal with it, too.  We were so much happier, just the four of us, and it's only gotten better as the years have passed.  We truly love each other, respect each other, and have a great time together.  I also feel that having experienced what they have, my children have a greater appreciation for their lives now, for their own happiness.  They watched me take the steps I had to take to guarantee our happiness (there have been other times as well), and I hope they can take that example into their own lives as they grow and strike out on their own.

What's funny is that I was soooo happy with my life that I thought it couldn't get any better.  I mean, I have a wonderful job that I love and am respected for (after some turmoil in that area), I can support my family, we live in a lovely home, we get to take trips every couple of years, my kids have everything they need and some of what they want....what more could I want? 

In a previous blog, I talked about wanting a man but not needing a man.  I thought that having one around once in a while would fill that role, and I would be fulfilled.  Several men came and went, yet none fit the bill.  And then TK came along.  And like I said before, what I thought I wanted flew out the window, and in its place is this man who makes me feel like a goddess, who is kind, respectful, funny, a great parent, a hard worker, who can make me smile with just a look. 

I thought I knew happy.  But I have never felt like this before.  Yes, I have been in love several times in the past, but this is different.  I say that it's because I am at a different point in my life, and I feel things differently.  Or this is what it's like to have an honest, mature love.  In any event, he has completely changed my life.  I WAS happy before, and yet I have reached a new level of happiness that I never knew existed.  I try every day to not lose myself - it requires a constant diligence because it is so easy to want to spend all of my time with him.  Yet, we both have children that take precedence in our lives, and our relationship is secondary.  If anything, I love him more for that.  (#2 can barely take care of himself let alone our son, and #1 rarely contacts his boys as it is.) 

I still spend a lot of time with my kids, make time for my girlfriends, run when I can, and still do DIY stuff around the house (this month's project - ripping up the vinyl and installing tile in the college kid's bathroom).  These are things that I like to do, and they make me who I am.  TK respects that and encourages it at the same time.  There's a balance, and we are still trying to find it - I think it may be one of those things that's ever-changing and we will just have to find a balance every single day that works for us.  Both of us are working towards a common goal: to be happy.  Happy with ourselves, and then happy in our relationship.  So far, we're doing quite well!

The man of my dreams?

Last time, I mentioned the man I met through my son's baseball team.  Met?  Well, we hadn't actually "met" yet, merely seen each other at a few games.  And....it was more than that, because I would catch him glancing at me during the games, following me with his eyes as we loaded into the car and left afterwards.  I didn't mind.  Matter of fact, I was intrigued.

I learned a little about him from some of the other parents.  I had also met his dad, who helped him with the kids, getting them to games, practices, and such.  My friends and I deduced that he was at least single, and appeared to have the kids all the time.  Then his son mentioned to some of the boys on the team that his mother had passed away...so sad to hear.  I think I at least waited a few minutes after hearing this before putting it together that he may be available.  Have I no shame???!!!

Still, I wasn't sure how to approach this.  He was cute, appeared to be active in his kids' lives, had a job (yay!), took care of himself, and seemed to be somewhat interested in me, if the glances my way were any indication.  There were several other single moms on the team, and I observed him at a few of the games - none of the other moms seemed to catch his eye.  This was a good sign, I thought.

One detriment - #2 was at most of the games, and always seemed to think it necessary to sit as close to me as possible.  I am quite sure this is his way of assuaging any lingering guilt he had over the demise of our marriage (believe me, he better have plenty of that) - thinking that if there's an appearance that I can tolerate him, then maybe he's been forgiven and we can pretend everything's fine.  Yeah, no.  Besides the fact that I almost always had at least one other son with me, and you can imagine that I wasn't exactly approachable by someone who might want to ask me out.

I talked to my girlfriends about this, and they encouraged me to talk to him, ask him out, give him my number.  But I wasn't even sure he was available!  And the last time I had asked someone out when I didn't know their status, it backfired.  Still, I was willing to try what I could - because I had decided last year to live in the moment without regrets.  Could I live with myself if I didn't talk to him, and never saw him again?  I didn't want to have to find out.  Live in the moment!

I did make an attempt at conversation after one game, though #2 walked right up next to us, so the conversation was essentially over before it started.  I got a reply to my question, and that was as far as it went.  Another time, I sat quite near him on the bleachers before the game started, and though he showed interest in my conversations with others, he never tried to start one with me.  Odd indeed.  Granted, my son was sitting on the other side of me -  maybe he was afraid to talk to me with my son there.  Oh, and #2 kept making sketchy appearances, which could have been a deterrant.

At the last game of the regular season, I finally decided it was now or never.  And it ended up being never, because his daughter came to the game, and I just couldn't approach him with her there.  I did see him following me with his eyes, which was the only reason I was still thinking about him!  Seriously, he seemed interested, but was he ever going to make a move?  It just wasn't going to be that night.  Damn.

The next week, the entire team went to the local minor league baseball game.  I took pictures during the game, and even sent a few to TK (who was working), but I never got a response.  I honestly felt then that if he could not respond to an email, then perhaps he wasn't interested like I thought he was and I should let it go.

In the meantime, my son finally decided where he wanted to have his birthday party, so he made a list of kids to invite, and TK's son was on it.  I sent out the invitations online, and was delighted when TK responded that his son would be there.  Yay!!!  Yet, on the day of the party?  TK's dad brought his son and dropped him off.  I could not have been more disappointed.  By this time, my oldest son (who had overheard my friends at one of the games) had figured out what was going on, and told me he was sorry.  I knew what he meant, and that he really meant it.  What a sad day.  But I had tried my best.

Then an inspiration struck later that afternoon.  My son needed to send thank you notes, and I needed an address.  So I emailed TK and asked for his.  He responded and thanked me for the invite, saying that his son had had a good time.  And that was it.  Dang it!!!  So was that it???  I stewed about it for a few minutes, irritated that he was never going to express any further interest, and then I remembered: no regrets.  How could I live with myself knowing I hadn't tried everything I could? 

And so I sent one more email: Can I ask you a question?  He replied, Of course?  And I asked if he was seeing anyone.  He replied that he was not, and should he have come to the party???  We exchanged a few more emails before he offered his cell number, and we haven't stopped texting since.  It's been over three months...

I was right - having my ex and my kids near me made things a little more difficult as far as him approaching me.  He was interested - he said he loved my energy and drive, and the fact that I was attractive!  Wow, he's a keeper already!  And though we haven't discussed why exactly he never thought to email me, he has told me that he is glad that I reached out to him.  I am, too.  Because I have no regrets.  And this man could very easily be the one I have been waiting for.

What I thought I wanted....

Having been married twice to two totally different men (and I use that term loosely as maturity was lacking in both - their one similarity), I had a pretty good idea of how the male mind worked.  I had read "Men are from Mars..." by John Gray, as well as "The Five Love Languages".  I knew that I liked words of affirmation and touch - those were my languages, and yet no matter how hard I tried, I had not been able to get #2 to realize what I needed from him.  He truly believed that what worked for him should work for me, too, and wasn't willing to understand what needed to happen to make our marriage work.  Selfish, yes, as many addicts are.  And yet another reason things didn't work out, but I digress.

My focus was on what I thought I wanted.  I wasn't sure I ever wanted to get married again (though I will never say never), but dating wass okay.  I just wanted to find someone that I could be friends with, and see what happened.  I think many single women feel that way, especially those of us who are able to support ourselves and aren't looking for a mate to do that for us.  (And please don't think I am putting those women down - I am not, I am just not one of them.)  Because of my independence and freedom, I thought that a perfect relationship for me would be with someone, possibly another single parent, who perhaps didn't have a lot of free time, either.  I thought maybe we could get together on occasion, have dinner or drinks or go to a game, talk, etc.  A nice, casual friendship that could turn into something more.

As I mentioned previously, I did try online dating, but after several passes through various sites, I gave up.  I just don't have the time to devote to it, and decided I'd just try to meet someone the old-fashioned way.  I had even dated an old college boyfriend - I think he was trying to relive his youth or something, but I gave it a go.  He was an excellent prospect in the beginning, though, because 1) I already knew him, and 2) he lived 4 hours away!  What better way to have a casual relationship than to have a long-distance one?  (Please, save the 2x4s for later.)   Anyway, it didn't work out for other reasons, but that was one helluva boring drive.

Earlier this year, my cousin came to visit and brought his best friend with him.  I had only ever seen this boy/man one other time, and had readily dismissed him at the time.  This time, there were some sparks.  After they left, I messaged him on Facebook and that started what can only be labeled as a friends-with-benefits situation.  I knew what I was getting into with him.  I also knew from the beginning that he was NOT boyfriend material, but I didn't care.  I just wanted to have some fun, and that I did.  He lived two hours away, so we texted a lot and visited when we could.  Which ended up not being a lot considering he ended up not fulfilling the "friends" part of the relationship.  Lesson learned.

In the meantime, I started running again.  Another high school friend who lived in Florida had taken up running a few years before, and I started asking him for advice, which he readily gave.  Yes, he was single and cute and probably a little too far away for even a long-distance relationship, so I kept this strictly on the friends level.  A few times I have wondered if he felt otherwise, but he has never come right out and said so, so I let it go.  No assuming here.

Anyway, I ran.  And I got a little better every week.  Then I signed up for my first half-marathon, to fulfill something on my bucket list.  I was so excited!  But pretty nervous, too.  Still, the running was helping me in other areas, like losing weight, toning up and having so much more energy.  Plus it's great (free!) therapy!  I love to run!

My youngest decided to play baseball this past summer, so while he was at practice, I ran.  It seemed like the best time to do it (squeeze it in when I have time!), and there was a trail there anyway...what excuse did I have?  Plus, maybe if I was running where there were cute guys, I just might meet one.  Score!  One more reason to love running!  If said guy was also active, and a runner, then we would have a lot in common already.  And didn't I at least want someone I had things in common with? 

It just so happens that I did meet someone - though at his baseball games, not at practice.  Seems that one night, this cute guy showed up.  My friends and I had not seen this person at any of the practices (that we could recall), nor at any of the games to date.  It did not take long to figure out which child he belonged to, as there was quite a resemblance.  During the game, I glanced at him a few times, only to find him always looking my way.  Hmmm.  He didn't really smile, but then he didn't glare at me, either.  I wasn't sure if that was a good sign or not.

He came to several other games, though it appeared he worked late a lot and sometimes came straight from work.  One night, he came to the cages while the boys had batting practice.  Just so happens I was running the trail, and lo and behold, there he was.  Of course, I was looking particularly sweaty and hot!!  And I don't mean atrractive-hot!  Still, I kept finding him looking my way.  As he sat on the ground to watch his son take his turn, I almost sat down next to him to talk, but I couldn't find the courage.  He was cute, I'll give him that.  He looked to be about my age as well.  Then I noticed his shirt had a familiar restaurant logo on it, and my heart sank.

This takes me back to what I thought I wanted...I thought I wanted someone who had an education, a degree, a career.  Someone who could support themselves, was self-sufficient.  Could I date someone who worked in the restaurant industry?  I hope that doesn't sound snobbish, because that's not how I intend it at all.  It's just that after #2, I got burned and I thought I couldn't handle dealing with someone who didn't have his sh*t together.  Though the fact that he worked for a major company didn't mean he didn't have a fairly decent job.  I decided that at least I wouldn't hold that against him, in the off chance I would ever learn more about him.

So, the moral of this story?  Be careful about setting your expectations too high.  You could be limiting yourself from the most amazing people.  What I thought I wanted?  It didn't matter.  Because as soon as I saw him, I think I was gone.  It was even better to find out that he was, too.  More on that next time. :-)

Dating...again

Why is it that no one warns you that dating nowadays is so much different than it was back in high school and college?  Yeah, I get that I am no longer looking for Mr. Right to be the father of my children, and we will live happily ever after.  (Yes, some people CAN and DO find him, but I did not.)  I am not expecting the fairy tale, just someone that I can have fun with, be happy with.

I discovered after some time that online dating was not for me.  I just don't have the time to devote every day to reading and answering messages, texts, and online questionaires.  And let's face it, I didn't actually get a ton of responses, but a respectable amount.  Still, raising three kids on my own, working full time and taking care of a house - yeah, there's little time left over for me, let alone trolling in the online dating pond.

And I don't like to go out to bars very often.  Once in a while, if a friend's celebrating a birthday, then I don't mind.  We grab a few drinks, laugh and have fun, maybe do a line dance or two, and call it a night.  Occasionally, we have an interested male come around, but I just don't feel the need to look for a potential suitor in a bar, of all places. 

Some of my single girlfriends (who are all single moms, as well) have expressed the same feelings as I.  We came to the conclusion last year that we were giving up the online drama - it just wasn't for us.  Instead, we decided to focus on ourselves more, do things that we enjoy, spend more time with our kids, family and friends and if we happen to meet someone in the meantime, so be it.  It seemed much more likely that by attending school functions, spending time at our kids' athletic events and activities, immersing ourselves in our own hobbies, or even going to the grocery store (or hardware store - whatever your pleasure is), we might run into someone who had similar interests as us.  In a nutshell, we were going to live our lives.

Men our age, though, are a fickle bunch.  Most often if they are single, they have already been married at least once.  That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it can make for some interesting dates.  I myself have been married twice (the first, we were too young; the second, he was an addict) and have my own share of baggage in the form of ex-husbands and their various and asundry issues.  However, I have also worked hard to distance myself from the BS that seems to get hurled a few times a year from halfway across the country, courtesy of the still-immature first husband, as well as the ongoing problems that stem from multiple addictions on the part of the second.  My life is a constant joy, and I am not being facetious.  More on that in a bit.

You see, men that have been through the gamut once already have a tendency to go for a, shall we say,  younger model?  One especially that has no baggage to speak of.  And, many women do tend to age less graciously than men, but that doesn't mean that we should be pushed aside as a last resort, does it?  No!  But, there comes a time in our lives when we should really look deep inside ourselves and decide if we like what we see.  Because if we don't, how will anyone else?

So, I made a decision...I had worked hard on myself (I had years of emotional/mental abuse to overcome from husband #2), and was at a good place mentally.  I lost my job but found an even better one, and realized that even though that transition sucked, it was the best thing that could have happened to me (old job was a very toxic environment - good riddance).  See, I found the positive in that situation, and was able to set an example for my kids. 

I am very grateful for all I have, and feel very blessed.  I have learned that even the bad situations (including my two failed marriages) provide us growth opportunities if we let them.  Change doesn't always have to be bad.  Embrace change, and look for the silver lining!  This new outlook also helped with my confidence.  I am not an insecure person, but we all feel insecure sometimes.  As my confidence grew, my insecurities melted away.  I felt like I could take on the world!

To some extent, I did.  I decided to not live with regrets.  I asked a guy out that I thought was cute.  I sent another guy a Facebook message, and we started a (albeit short) relationship.  The things I thought I couldn't do before, I said "Why not?" and did them anyway.  I don't subscribe to the theory that you have to wait for the guy to ask you out.  If you see something you want, just go for it.  What do you have to lose?  Can you live with not knowing how it would have turned out?  I can't, not anymore.  Maybe it's being in my 40s, but I'm done playing games.

I became a happier person, and in doing so, my kids are happier, too.  Not that I wasn't before - but sometimes you don't realize how repressed you are until you shed some of that baggage.  I was thrilled that I could support my children, emotionally and monetarily; I was ecstatic that I could do it all on my own, with little help from my kids and virtually no help from anyone outside out little family.  Granted, once the college kid moved back to school, I lost a drive and helper, but I gained another driver when the teen got a car. 

I also added indifference to my vocabulary and actively lived it.  When someone is not adding value to your life, you have to make a choice - cut them loose, or become indifferent.  I cut those I could, but I couldn't necessarily cut my exes from my life.  So I choose to not let the small stuff bother me.  What a freeing experience that was!  I no longer responded to all the negativity that comes my way from #1.  If it is not good for my kids, I ignore it (because let's face it, it's NEVER good for me!).  It hasn't changed the amount that comes our way, but I am happier because I don't let it bother me. 

I am not saying I am the perfect mom - I'm not!  But essentially, I am the only parent my kids have that they can rely on consistently on a daily basis, and things are going well.  My kids are happy, though the oldest does have some issues with his dad (and former stepdad) that he's working through in therapy.  I did have to own a little of that because I let husband #2 stay a little too long, trying to make it work.  In addition, I feel that I have found a good work/life balance.  I also started running again earlier this year, and have completed a number of 5Ks, as well as my first half-marathon last month!  Running helps me clear my head, gives me "alone time", and is good for my health.  As well as for losing weight!

What does all this have to do with dating, you ask?  Think of it like this: you have to present the best version of yourself to a potential date, right?  So what's better than being a happy, well-adjusted, active, energetic, and confident woman who can support herself?  My girlfriends and I have discussed many a time that we "want" a man in our lives, but we don't "need" one.  Sound familiar?  we are an independent bunch, and we've been doing this for awhile.  We don't want to lose our independence or our freedom, though we do want to find someone to share it with.

And I did.  A younger man, even!!  Our boys played baseball together (go figure!).  You can bet he will be the subject of future blogs, as we navigate the dating world.  Stay tuned!