Sometimes it IS the little things...

So my last post was regarding me NOT being jealous (I'm still not, btw).  After I worked through all my feelings regarding the situation, I realized that the majority of them had to do with triggers regarding how my last marriage imploded.  I worked through that, and what I was left with was this:

• I love TK
• I know that he did not intend to hurt me
• I know that although he was dishonest, it was only because he feared my reaction, not because of any infidelity
• I know that my view of the dishonest act was much larger than his was

Now, please don't think that I am condoning that he did not tell me the truth about his "friend", because that is not the case at all.  Matter of fact, he answered every single question with unwavering honesty, repeatedly matching up the facts, so I had no doubt he was telling the truth. 

No, what really drove the point home was the answers he did give.  They were completely innocent.  Not ignorant, but innocent.  By that I mean that he's a guy and he sees things in black and white.  Us girls, we tend to find the grey areas, and sometimes we get mired in the details, when it's actually not that complicated at all.  Then I asked him the one question that turned this whole thing around.

You see, all along I assumed he had not told me about N because he was hiding something.  I mean, seriously, as a girl, what else could there possibly be???  Granted, I had asked that first night if there was anything else about her he had not told me, and he said no - but then he had lied already so why should I trust him?  Another time, I had commented that I still didn't understand why he had kept this from me and he could only answer that he thought I would doubt him.  I was going crazy with the thoughts in my head, thinking that he had not told me because he had a past with her, or he liked her (I highly doubted this but imagination can do strange things), or she liked him....just so many scenarios that I didn't even want to think about.

Ultimately, I am glad that it took us two days to have the time to sit down and talk this through.  But that first day was excruciatingly painful.  I felt like when I did get a text from him, it was like he was talking to his sister, not to ME.  I hated it, but I understood - he didn't know where we stood any longer.  By that night, I had to ask some questions, and he answered them readily.  The next day, I would think of other small questions and ask, and again, he'd answer as quickly as he could.

Then I asked how he would feel if the tables were turned.  Something in his reply struck me, and I responded by telling him that he could ask me anything, that I am an open book.  I also said that I have several guy friends that I text - and that I am assuming N is single because he hasn't said otherwise - but that we don't text that often.  His reply?  "Btw, she's married."

WHAT???  I said, "That would have been nice to know sooner."  And his response?  "I didn't know that was part of the issued."  OMG.  It wasn't - it really doesn't change the simple fact that he lied - but jeez, it would have helped my anxiety over those two days!  But see, that's how we are different than men...he didn't think it made a difference, because he didn't even think about that.  His only concern was that he didn't want me to be upset with him for having a female friend.  That's it.  Totally.  Completely.  Simply.  That one little question that changed everything.

Once I started thinking this through, the light bulb went on.  His former wife (she died five years ago) was the jealous type, and he remembered how she was if he had any female friends.  I guess he assumed I would be the same way, and thought it easier to not tell me.  In his words, he wanted to keep me from getting hurt, but in the process, hurt me more.

My anger was gone by then, the pain was lessening because I realized he truly had my best interests at heart, as mis-guided as they were.  And because it NEVER occured to him how it would look to me, he never thought about it.  Ever.

We talked that night, and honestly, it was not the long talk I had originally thought it would be.  Only a couple of tears from each of us.  And then he told me a story...

I won't go into details, but he told me how he met N at work shortly after his wife died and they became good friends, and how he subsequently got fired from that job.  He said it was hard to tell me this story because it was painfule for him, that there were some things that he did that he's not proud of, and that he was afraid I would judge him because of them, since #2 had also done some of these things.  But the difference is that TK learned and grew from it, whereas #2 keeps doing the same things 5 years later.

I get it now.  The sadness I felt from him was almost too much to bear.  I know they had a strained relationship, but it could not have been easy to deal with that, with such small children.  I gently reminded him that I am not S.  I asked if we were alike in other ways, and he was emphatic when he said, "No, not at all."  And I told him that he shouldn't assume I would have reacted the same way as her in this instance, either.  He promised he would do better, and I believe him.

Again, I don't condone the fact that he lied by omission, but now that I understand more that he was trying to protect me, I have dealt with it.  I told him that I felt as though he didn't trust me enough to tell me, and that bothered me a bit, even after he had already told me that he trusted me with his life.  I did ask that he not lie to me anymore, or that trust might be irrevocably broken. 

People deserve second chances, I truly believe that.  Almost everyone has needed one at some point in their lives because, let's face it, none of us is perfect.  I have forgiven him and we are moving on.  I won't dwell on this any longer, and honestly hope that eventually I can spend more time with N and get to know her.  You can never have enough friends.  :-)

I am not the jealous type...

I am really not. I am pretty confident, and have no reason to be jealous. I feel comfortable in the relationship I am in, enough that I trust him implicitly. Which is quite a feat considering my marriage to #2 ended because he was unfaithful (in addition to the “other” addictions). So why would I be jealous? I have told TK I don’t share, but I think the majority of women out there would back me up on that!

And yet, the last few weeks, something has been niggling at me. It started the Saturday after Thanksgiving. We had spent the day with the kids, and were enjoying snuggling on the couch, when I noticed he had gotten several texts (at least 5) from the same person. I don’t know whether he noticed if I was concerned or not, but he waved his hand towards his phone and mentioned his friend N, which of course is a female name and the first time I had heard her mentioned.

He started chuckling, and said his friend had texted him last week, that he hadn’t heard from her in months, and that he told her about me. She had just texted that she hoped I didn’t hurt him, that she wanted to know when we were moving in together or getting married, and when we did, she wanted to be his best man. I could see all the texts on one side, and no responses from him on the other, so he wasn’t texting her when he was with me – at least not that I had noticed, though occasionally he did turn his phone away slightly, which got me a little wary. The he mentioned his boss asking the same questions the week before, and he was like “it’s on the table but we haven’t even really discussed it yet”.

Now, at the time, I was more caught off guard by this statement than anything else. Whoa. This is the first time this had even been mentioned, other than a question the first week asking if he ever wanted to get married again (answer: yes, he thinks so. Or at least have a LTR with his best friend.) He had freaked his sh*t a bit the one day I mentioned wanting to wake up next to him every day, and he said it was trust issues on his part. Yet, it was okay for him to say the month before that he wanted to come home to me every day. Odd dichotomy there.

Still, I did finally ask him some questions about that and we have opened that discussion. But I digress - that’s not what I wanted to talk about today. Anyway, he had mentioned a 5K that was to be held this past Saturday, and had told me he had run it with her last year. He never really asked if I wanted to run it with him, but it was implied somehow because he brought it up in front of our kids. Okay, so I signed little guy and I up to run it, and sent a discount code to TK to use. He mentioned last weekend that he was signing his kids up – they had said yes, then no, then yes again so I assumed he was adding them on.

Last Thursday night, I offered to pick up his packets because I knew he was working. He said no thanks, he had “people”. Which I laughed at at the time, assuming that meant he was having his dad do it. We hadn’t discussed carpooling to the event, so I finally asked Saturday night if we were. He came back with “Are we?” which immediately got me a tad suspicious. Then he said he was supposed to meet N at the race to get his packets. So I said “If you don’t want to, that’s fine. Just thought I’d check.” To which he replied “Do you want to ride together? Or do you want to meet? I am ok fine either way.” See, this is odd. I thought he’d readily agree to ride with his girlfriend. Now I am getting bothered by this. Why can’t he just tell me what he wants to do???

So I said “I thought we might, but it sounded like you made other plans, so I wasn’t sure what you wanted to do.” Fifteen minutes pass, I am still recovering from pneumonia, it’s late and I am tired, so I send another text: “I gotta go to sleep, baby. Let me know if you want me to come by in the morning or just meet you there.” He said “Okay, baby. Get some rest. I love you. I will talk to you in the morning. Sweet dreams.”

He texted good morning the next day, and I replied “Hi! So what’s the plan?” He says “If you want to swing by, that would be nice. If it’s too late for you, that’s cool too.” Still being non-committal. Ugh. I told him that we were just leaving and we would be there in a few minutes. There, done. It’s not like this is a huge deal either, but it would be stupid for us living so close together to drive separately. Of course, now I know N lives a LOT closer to him than I do, and I can’t help but wonder if they had planned to drive together. And yet, I was pushing these thoughts out of my mind as fast as they came in.

I met her, she seemed nice, but I also noticed that if I was with my son and not near TK, she was right there next to him. If I was with him, she kept her distance. I even tried a little experiment to see if I was imagining this, but I was not…this was definitely happening. After, she gave his kids presents for Christmas, then gave TK a big, long hug behind my car, though I could clearly see them in my rearview mirror. Still, not jealous, but curious, you know? And then she texted him before we even got back to his house, and was texting him when he was at my house for the afternoon/evening. I was getting curiously annoyed now.

Believe me, if you saw this person, you would understand why I am not jealous. She seems nice, but not attractive at all, in my opinion. And I truly believe that TK is not attracted to her at all. BUT, I think she is attracted to HIM, and he is clueless about this…or perhaps he knows and ignores it or has told her he just wants to be friends. I have asked him to clarify that. Interestingly enough, she never spoke to me again that day at the race, though I did overhear her tell his son that she had signed TK and herself up together and paid for his registration. WHAT??? OMG, this just keeps getting better and better! NOT!

In any event, my suspicions got the best of me last night. I had intended to casually ask how long they had been friends, the nature of their past, etc. in a non-threatening way, the next time we were alone together. However, what is it they say about a woman who has been cheated on? She has better detective skills than the FBI! Ha ha, yeah, I learned a lot four years ago. So I googled the race he had run in October, just to see if she might have run it, too. (I found her last name on his Facebook friends list.)

And guess what I found? Yep, they had run it together! Why didn’t he tell me that??? One of the questions I had asked him early on was regarding his idea of a perfect date, and it involved spending a day together, so I had asked if I could kidnap him after the race that day. He had agreed, and he had even texted me when he finished to tell me he was done. I assumed he’d want to go home and shower and rest or see the kids, then we would have the afternoon/evening/night together (he was aware I had booked a hotel room to ensure we had alone time). Well, I waited all afternoon, and by 3:00 I had heard nothing from him. I was quite annoyed by that time. So I texted him, asking if I had misunderstood, weren’t we supposed to spend the day together?

He apologized, saying he had run an errand to get boxes for his daughter’s Halloween costume, and was going home to shower and change and come over. Huh. You mean he hadn’t already showered the mud off??? It just didn’t make for a good start for the date. And if he had told me he had some errands to run first, I would have been fine with it.  It's the lack of communication that bothered me at first.  I tried very hard to put it behind me, and we ended up having a good time, though something just seemed “off”, and I could not put my finger on it. Now, I wonder if it had anything to do with her… God, I hope not.

So I found a way to ask him last night if he had run the race alone. And he said no, with N. At least he was honest about it, then. To me, a lie of omission is still a lie, and one of the worst kinds because you KNOW you are hiding something from the other person, and being deceitful in the process. My stomach clenched and I was nauseous and it hasn’t relented yet.

I asked why he hadn’t told me about it and he said he didn’t really know, never actually thought about it. So then I asked why when he had mentioned N a few weeks ago, he had said he hadn’t heard from her in a few weeks. He responded that he did not recall saying that nor did he know why he would say that. That they don’t get together often but they do talk…well, text.

I responded with his almost exact words from that night because I remember journaling about the whole scenario, though I was focused more on the marriage/living together part. I told him I was not jealous, but I am trying to figure out why he hadn’t told me the whole truth. That I am trying to understand. He finally responded with “It’s stupid. I was uncomfortable with talking about her, because I didn’t want you to doubt me.” Wow. Not only was he hiding this friendship from me, he was uncomfortable talking about her to me?

I told him that I don’t doubt him at all. But I also don’t think he realizes how déjà vu this is for me. And how much it hurts that he felt he had to lie to me instead of telling me the truth. So he responded “Double edged sword. Trying not to hurt you. I hurt you. I realize that and I am sorry. I f*cked up trust. I feel so bad. I am sorry, baby.” But still, it’s not enough. “I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me. I don’t care if you have female friends…unless there’s something I’m missing/don’t know about her in particular.” I got a single word response: No.

I waited a bit, and he went on, “I was constantly doubted in my past, I never came close to cheating. I guess I carry that expectation for doubt with me. That’s not fair to us. I won’t do that anymore.” And a few minutes later, “I’ve never been able to trust anyone with my whole life. I trust you.”

I thought about this, because I appreciated what he was saying. But it was like an olive branch way too soon. I still had questions that needed answered. “I never have, either. And I know you’re not #2 and you’re not planning to live the rest of your life with this “friend”. I’ve worked very hard to be confident in myself, and I have been confident in our relationship for a long time. Did I do or say something to make you think you couldn’t tell me?”

He responded “I don’t know. Maybe your dislike of #2’s actions. I don’t want to be grouped with him, scared to, I think.” Now, this makes no sense. I disliked the fact that #2 cheated! And quite honestly, he actually told me about her in the beginning, about reconnecting with his first girlfriend on Facebook. Of course, then he hid everything after that, but I wouldn’t even begin to compare the two. “I don’t understand. I would never group you with him. I knew something was up with him and I found the evidence. He had something to hide. You didn’t. Please don’t keep things from me because you’re afraid of how I will feel/think/act. It’s 1000x worse to learn the truth later because someone didn’t think I could handle it.” See, that’s disrespectful in my opinion. Do not assume I can’t handle something, that I am too much of a delicate flower. PUHLLEEEEZZZZ! After all I have been through, it’s only made me stronger! I thought he knew what I could handle….but this was probably a projection on his part to sway me a bit.

He came back and told me he made a poor choice, and that he was sorry. I told him I was sorry, too. Then I asked him for something…”I need something from you – I need you to tell me what you want from me, from us, now and in the future. I need to hear it from you. I just need the affirmation right now…” His response was very sweet, “I want us to be together for a very, very long time. I want us to be happy. I want….us.” Then he told me he loved me.

One last thing I had to ask – was I wrong about what I thought he’d said that Saturday night regarding N? He replied, “Sometimes we don’t see or talk for long periods, but we text, sometimes just hi bye, every few days.” Well that was a punch to the solar plexus, and not what I meant at all. Wow. I don’t even text my BFF that often. Wait, I thought TK was my BFF now. Apparently he’s already filled the slot. If they text that much, then again, why has he never mentioned her to me??? I so badly want to read these texts, but then, I know I really don’t. I don’t think I can take it, not if they are like the ones I have “discovered” in the past.

I decide to skip over this for now. “Oh, though that’s not what I meant. You told me earlier that what I remembered you saying that night you wouldn’t have said. So is my recall that bad or was you telling me that part of the lie?” Was that harsh? Maybe, but it’s to the point and at this point, I am so sick of beating around the bush. Just freaking tell me the truth!! Then I added, “Is there anything else I need to know? I’m not trying to hurt you, I just want to rip the bandaid off now if there is.”

“I don’t recall saying that. I don’t know why I would. That was not part of a lie. If you remember me saying it, then I guess I did.” OMG, I think I am going to scream. Quit making it sound like I am crazy and not remembering what you said!!! No, I didn’t say those things, but they went through my head. He then sent another text, “I got fired once. It was one of the greatest things that ever happened to me.”

Now, let’s address this last statement. I told him early on that I was fired from my job last year, and explained the circumstances. He never once told me, even with ample opportunity, about his own termination. So while this statement wasn’t what I had in mind, I was caught off guard yet again. When actually what I was wanting was confirmation that this relationship with N held no more surprises for me. I texted back “???” because I wasn’t entirely sure why he was telling me about getting fired, or if he was trying to be funny, but he must have fallen asleep because I didn’t hear from him again last night.

This morning, after a sleepless night, I texted at 9:15 to tell him I was struggling today. Almost an hour later, he asked if he could do anything, and said he was sorry that he passed out on me last night. (Yeah, me, too.) It took me almost an hour to compose a text that did not have any barbs in it, because I was going through the anger phase and just felt like lashing out. Which is when I turned to my journal, to help prevent that. Finally, I sent “We need to talk. I still have questions, and I will need reassurance. I need to know what your relationship is and has been so I don’t get any more surprises.” It took him an hour to compose: “Ok”.

Now, I love my boyfriend, I really do. And I know that he really, truly loves me and cares about me. Right now, we are in the kind of relationship where I can tell he is all-in, hook, line and sinker, you know? He’s not going anywhere, no doubts, etc. And I’m the one who’s held just a tiny bit back, afraid of getting hurt, I guess. Though maybe I am more all-in that I thought I was, because this really hurts.

Ultimately, it’s the lack of trust he had in me, that he felt he had to hide this relationship from me, that hurts the most. It’s disrespectful, in my opinion. Just give me the benefit of the doubt, that I am not like the other women he has been with. I thought I had made that abundantly clear, and shown him every day. So what went wrong? That’s what I need to figure out, so I can start to fix this.

I know that a lot of the feelings I had last night were because of the trigger of this happening, how it seemed like it was the same thing all over again. But there are differences and that’s what I have needed to focus on. I had to work through a lot of that already this morning, which was easier because he wasn’t around, but hard because I have had no sleep, had to get the kids off to school without them knowing anything was amiss, and then go to work. So I sit here now thinking that a nap sounds really good, but I need to run to the store, and then cook dinner. Find/wrap a present for the white elephant gift exchange tomorrow. Help Sam make a present for his dad. And a card. Ugh.

My heart hurts, it’s heavy, and I am sad, but it’s not as bad as it was this morning. This could be a good opportunity for us. I am trying to look at the positives, but it is very difficult when you feel this way. I don’t want to just resign myself to giving in because I want to be with him, and I honestly don’t think I am. No, he has some tough questions to answer, ones that I might not want to hear the answers to. But then I think about how clueless he has seemed about some of this, and truly I feel he has no feelings for her other than as a platonic friend. I just need to hear that from him, need that reassurance…rinse, repeat.

No, I am not the jealous type but what’s mine is mine. And when I get lied to, all bets are off. The truth shall set you free? The truth shall be always what I want to hear, and I will never ask a question that I am not prepared to hear the answer to. As much as it might hurt at the moment, it’s better than finding out I was still being misled. So yes, it shall set you free.

As far as N?  I am not going to insist he quit being friends with her, but I will insist that he tell me when they spend time together.  I don't know how much of it I can do, though.  Whenever she texts him, I can imagine how it will make me feel, knowing that he had that from me.  And it will be a constant reminder.  I won't ask him to not text her, but I sure hope he offers to end that friendship.  A friend of mine had a very similar thing happen, and her bf did offer to give her peace of mind.  It's the least TK could do for me, but ultimately, he has to decide what he wants.

The joys and struggles of single parenting

One can find good and bad in every experience, every opportunity – it’s what you choose to focus on that guides you most in life. If you always look at the negatives, well, you will probably be a pretty unhappy person. But if you choose to be positive, I bet you are pretty darned happy with your life, am I right?

I am not a single parent by choice. I attempted co-parenting with #1 until he chose to move half way across the country and not speak to his kids for months on end. And the boys did not understand this “abandonment” – a term they use because that’s how they felt, that was their perception of the situation, which of course is their reality. At the time, #2 stepped in and was a good surrogate dad…in the beginning. Things went downhill as the addictions took hold, and in essence, my boys lost another father figure.

I can only imagine the depths of their pain. Yes, I talk to my kids and they share an awful lot with me, but they laugh off so much and I know it’s because they would rather not talk about it. Whether that’s because it’s painful or they just don’t care, I am not entirely sure. But shortly after the college kid moved back to school for his junior year, he asked me to help him find someone to talk to. I didn’t ask a lot of questions, but on his own he had deduced he had some anger issues that stemmed from the abandonment of his father(s). I got him set up with someone at school, and he’s doing very well.

Because #1 lives so far away, he has visitation with the teen 2-3 times per year (the teen will turn 18 next December). Most often #1 cancels at the last minute, or schedules the flights outside of the visitation schedule to suit his plans, I assume – and at least once when he refused to change the flights to the correct days, I did not send the teen. I am sure this is not recommended, but the kid didn’t want to go and the ex was being a total dirt bag and refusing to change the dates, as though it was my fault he didn’t follow the schedule!

Did I mention he’s a bully and wants everything his way, regardless of anyone else’s wishes, or what’s spelled out in court documents that HE agreed to abide by??? I make plans around that visitation schedule, and often have to cancel them when #1 makes these changes or cancels his time with the teen. Of course, this is covered in the agreement as well - #1 is supposed to make alternate arrangements for care of the teen if he cannot exercise his visitation. I scoff at this because it has never happened! I AM the alternate arrangements! On one hand, I don’t mind – he is my son and I will do anything for my kids. But it is quite annoying to look forward to a mini-vacation myself, only to have my plans dashed because #1 is a selfish jerk. He’s the one that misses out on spending this time with his son, though. So I win. And the kid doesn’t want to go anyway, so he wins, too. 

This year, there has been issues surrounding #1 not paying the college student’s college expenses, so when I threatened to take him to court, he immediately contacted his lawyer and filed papers against ME! I laughed at first - my son wouldn't even be in college if I hadn't been paying IN ADVANCE - and then had to hire a lawyer. What a waste. By the way, this is how it usually goes with him and paying expenses - he pays his attorney all this money to try to get him out of paying what he is clearly responsible for in the first place! He tries to bully his way through, like always. I am asking for attorney’s fees, and we will see what happens.  Oh, and when the winter visitation flight schedule was questioned, he ignored me and ran to his lawyer to complain. SMH.

Nonetheless, the failure to pay expenses justifiably causes rancor with the oldest. I feel so bad for him. He doesn’t need the stress of not knowing if his dad is going to pay or not.  It took #1 a year and a half to pay off the student loan the kid had to get his very first semester to even ensure he could attend college! So neither of us believe his promises at this point. Now, he has stated through his lawyer his intent to pay the spring semester tuition. We are asking the court to ensure that it is done in advance, instead of waiting months later and then trying to pay off the kid’s student loan instead. My son needs that loan to help pay his books and other living expenses so he doesn’t have to work a ton of hours to make his car payment. If his dad doesn’t pay, then it all goes to tuition, and my son is left struggling, or else I pick up the slack…again. He is almost 21, and it’s his choice to have a student loan. He felt he had to take it in the first place because a year ago his dad told him he wasn’t paying for college ever again, and didn’t want to speak to him. So my son has not spoken to him, and deleted his # from his cell phone. His dad has texted a few times, usually on a holiday, but that was it.

I realize that’s a lot of insight on just one topic, but it’s how things go with #1. When we first dealt with this issue just over two years ago, I finally had reached the end of my rope and blew up.  My sons told me that it was about time…they had watched me take the high road for so long, and they knew what their dad was like and wondered why it took me so long to realize it. I told them I already knew, but I had done it for them. And they said it was not necessary, so I gave up the ghost. Now we speak freely about their father, and sadly, it is never really good.

#1 left me to raise my boys on my own, and if there is an issue, I of course get blamed for it, including how they treat him. He fails to understand where they are coming from, and why they feel the way they do – they do not trust or respect him at all. Even a mediator with the courts, a social worker with over 20 years of experience, told him it was solely up to him to repair his relationship with the boys, but he wouldn’t listen to her, either. If he won’t listen to the boys, and certainly not to me, then what is left?

Let me tell you about a recent experience: I ran my first half marathon this past October. The teen was working but texted me beforehand to wish me luck. The oldest was in town and brought the little guy down to see me finish and drive me home afterwards. I finished the race (which was my MAIN goal), under my goal time (yay!!), so I was ecstatic when I crossed that finish line. Seeing my kids waiting for me, telling me how proud they were – I was overcome with emotion. The next day, I was reviewing my results online and discovered that #1 and his wife had flown into town to run the race (which they had signed up for in May because it filled up quickly), and had finished just 10 minutes ahead of me! Not once did #1 contact his kids while he was in town. He also will never know that feeling of crossing the finish line with his son looking on – though by all accounts he did, without either of them ever knowing it. How lucky am I to get to have experienced that? It was one of the best days of my life.

We are on our own, and we are doing well in spite of it…or because of it. And some day, perhaps, he will wake up, but I doubt it. In the meantime, we live our lives and basically ignore him. My oldest quoted Will Smith: if you are absent during my struggles, don’t expect to be present during my success. I think that sums it up perfectly, though it makes my heart ache for my sons. However, I will be there for the graduations, weddings, etc., because I have been there for them through everything, every day. Their dad will not be invited if he doesn’t change.

My boys are literally my greatest accomplishment. I realize I am not perfect and that there is so much to teach them that I can’t possibly cover everything, but I am trying my best. And they understand this. I am humble, I make mistakes but I own them and they see that, I work hard and they see the work ethic and the older two are emulating that which makes me immensely proud. Sometimes I am hard on myself because I might forget a school event or not feel like I followed up on homework like I should have, but I work a lot of hours and it’s just me! The kids have chores, but with the teen working and carrying a lot of AP and Honors classes, I don’t make him do much to help. Little guy helps some, but I’m working on helping him focus (borderline ADHD) so I don’t add much more to his workload.

Yesterday I awoke feeling depressed, but not sure why. Later when I journaled, I realized there were several things that had caused this, and I wrote them down and analyzed how to take care of them. I filled TK in on why I was feeling the way I was, and he informed me that it made him think more of me than he already did. I asked why, and he said that it’s good to see Superman’s human side from time to time, that it makes me real. Hmmm, I certainly don’t claim to be perfect, but I guess that’s how he sees me – a single working mom who does it all and never asks for help. Dude, even Superman has Kryptonite. He knows I am not perfect and loves me even more because of it. Awwww.  He's a keeper!

I learned a few years ago that I just don’t care what anyone thinks of me, and this especially includes #1, and his mother and wife, by the way. I.Just.Don’t.Care. And it has made my life so much nicer, easier, happier. All I want is to be happy, and for my kids to be happy, so I try to stay focused on the positives. The kids ground me. When things (like this court stuff) start dragging me down, I try to shrug it off and focus on them, and it helps. I am virtually a single parent to the little guy, too, because #2 is almost never around and has limited visitation as it is. Plus when he is involved, he screws up so much that I’d rather he not stick his nose in things and confuse the little guy!

So to all you single parents out there – you have my support and my blessings. This is the hardest job anyone has ever had. But it is also my greatest joy, even if I have to do it all on my own – it makes the reward that much sweeter.

Gratitude

It’s a simple word, no? And yet, I know so many people who could benefit from it. Of course, just saying that makes me sound like I have it all together, doesn’t it? I don’t, and I am not about to judge anyone else, but one thing that I have learned over the last year is that I have a lot to be thankful for. Sometimes it’s not until something important is ripped away from you do you realize what you still have and how much it means to you.

I lost my job a year ago. It sucked. I loved that job. Well, I loved the work that I did and most of the people I worked, and I was GOOD at it! However, my manager was NOT good at her job and chose to blame anyone around that she could. I just didn’t get out of the line of fire fast enough. Suffice it to say that stuff is still going down there, so they must finally realize it wasn’t me, or the plethora of other people who have been in HR getting blamed for God knows what. Maybe they will finally fix the problem.

Nonetheless, I had stood up for what I believed in and yet I still lost my job. It was upsetting to say the least, but the next day, I felt like a huge burden had been lifted (much like I felt the day I decided to kick #2 to the curb). I took stock of what had been happening – I had adjusted my schedule to accommodate work which sacrificed time with my boys, I lacked sleep because of it, my blood pressure was creeping up when it had always been quite low, I was on an anti-depressant with Xanax and Valium on the side as needed. When you figure in all of that, the job didn’t seem so rosy anymore. I immediately weaned myself off the medication and started running again. I lost weight and felt better about myself. With my confidence and self-respect restored, it was easy as pie to get offered not one but two jobs at the company of my dreams.

I am grateful for the learning experience. I’ve learned that we should be grateful for the bad as well as the good because they teach us valuable lessons. Believe me, there are things I will never forget and will never repeat. Making new friends at work this year has been challenging, mostly because I was afraid to trust anyone again. But I have an outgoing, likable personality (I guess) and I couldn’t stave them off for long. I do have several close friends here now, am well-liked on my team, and I am exceedingly happy.

I also used what I went through as a teaching moment for my kids. They had seen me struggle and yes, complain, about work for so long, then watched me hit my low point and yet bounce back. They saw me take on the challenge of looking for a new job relentlessly, and luckily I was able to eventually get the offers from the first company I applied with. (thanks, Mike!). To set that example for my boys – it is an invaluable experience to show them that I am resilient, yet humble. That perseverance and believing in yourself go a long way. And that standing up for yourself and others and for what you believe is right is never wrong.

Not only did I get a better job, but I have much better hours, more money than I could ever have made at my old one (I was capped out there), better benefits, with a company that is world-renowned and growing exponentially in their field, and best of all? I am respected as a “highly valued” member of our team (that was from my first review here, something my old manager could never bring herself to write about me). My career self-respect has been restored in spades.

I’m not just grateful for my job, but for the entire experience that got me to this point, good or bad. I love my boys and would do anything for them, I am thankful I can provide a nice home for them and keep them fed and in decent clothes, that I can (so far) send my oldest to college (3 semesters to go!), that I have so many close friends and family members I can rely on if I need to or even just sit around and talk with, and that I have the love of a wonderful man showered on me each and every day. I appreciate living in a free country, and that we have a military force to protect this right, and people like my dad and cousin who keep watch and protect us while we sleep.

Each and every day I try to remember to be thankful for what I have because there are so many that have a lot less. I try to teach my kids the importance of altruism and not to just think of themselves, both by word and example. Just a few months ago, I realized I had gotten my point across. My middle son works at McDonald’s and posted on Facebook that a homeless man had come into the restaurant with his dog that day, but before he could order anything, the manager refused him service because he had brought the dog inside. The man mumbled an apology and left, whispering to his dog how sorry he was that he couldn’t feed him. A few minutes later, my son went out to deliver food to a waiting car and noticed the man sitting on the ground near the dumpster with his dog in his lap. It was my son’s break time, so he went back inside, ordered his free meal, and delivered it to the man and his dog instead of eating it himself (with a few extra sandwiches thrown in). I cried the day I read that, and I am crying now as I type this. Being a single parent is the hardest job there is, but I know I did something right for them to have such caring hearts. THAT is what I am most grateful for – the unconditional loving nature of my children, and that I get to be a part of their lives.

A little flash of jealousy?

Interestingly enough, I have never been the jealous type. There have been moments where if I had not been secure in the knowledge of how I felt about myself and my relationship (at the time), I could easily have turned into a green-eyed monster (the fact that I have green eyes not withstanding). But when I enter a committed relationship, that’s how I see it – from both sides. I expect both of us to be faithful, so harmless flirting aimed at my partner means nothing to me. I am confident, but a little too much attention thrown his way and I might have to say something.

This past Saturday, TK and I were sitting on the couch while the kids played board games in the other room. He received about 5-6 text messages in a row, and I assumed they were from work. I happened to glance over and see a name at the top of the screen, with all the text messages from “her” down the left, though no responses sent from him. And I got this feeling, irrational as it was, in the pit of my stomach. I recognized it immediately, and then felt ashamed. But I get it now. And I didn’t like it at all. I am as confident in myself as I ever have been, moreso even. I am an observant sort, being a scientist and all, and I KNOW I have never heard that name mentioned before. I thought perhaps it was work, sending him texts regarding some issue they were having, so I told myself to stop feeling that way. I had no reason to. I mean, he was with me, loves me, is committed to me, had just spent the entire day with me and my son, and didn’t want to leave. I should be thrilled, so I stopped. And then he told me about her.

Apparently, this is someone he used to work with years ago, and they were good friends but he hadn’t heard from her in months. She had texted him last week out of the blue, and so he had told her about me. She was texting to tell him that she hoped it worked out, that she didn’t want to see him get hurt, that I better take care of him (um, what? Who is this person?), and that when he gets married, she wants to be the best man!! OMG!! It was almost more than I could take. The M word has not fallen from our lips till he dropped it right then, and I was kinda shocked. She had asked if we were going to live together if we weren’t getting married right away, and I now wonder how much and exactly what he has told her!

The jealousy flew right out the window, though not without a thought that perhaps she had a thing for him at one point and it was not reciprocated. I mean, why be so protective? My brother and cousin might act that way, because my cousin is like my brother, and guys do that, especially relatives. But not this way around, not usually. (Plus I looked her up on Facebook – yeah, no need to be jealous at all.)

In any event, he then proceeds to tell me that his boss was asking the same things last week. His response was that it was on the table, that we hadn’t even really discussed it, and that they needed to stop pushing and give us time to talk about it. Again, I wonder how much he has told his boss! It seems that he has discussed more with these people than with me. But, then again, I have done the same thing in talking with my girlfriends…it’s what us girls do! We think out loud over lunch or drinks because our friends help us put things into perspective. I guess men do it, too? Guess it makes sense.

Let me mention something here. A few months ago, TK told me one night that he sometimes fantasizes about coming home to me every night…talking, cooking dinner, doing chores, watching television, that sort of thing. I understood that to mean that we’d at least have to be living together for that to happen, and probably why he hedged it by asking if it was okay if he told me something, wanting to prepare me for something…he didn’t want me to get antsy like I had with the girlfriend label (it had only been a week, okay???!!!). And I told him that would be lovely. It stopped there, but at least we were taking baby steps, right?

A month later, I mention to him in a text that I would love to wake up next to him every day. He made a joke, and I said I was serious, and…crickets. Finally, he responded that it sounded nice but to be honest, it scared him. He said it was probably due to trust issues he had to deal with, and nothing to do with me. Which I can relate to, because that’s my stance on marriage at this point. A few weeks later, I brought this up again, and he told me that it had sounded like a marriage proposal at the time and it freaked him out a little. Really? And I said, “So it’s okay for you to bring these things up but not for me? That’s not fair. And that’s what you had implied two months ago with wanting to come home to me every night.” He then told me that that was “a while ago” and he doesn’t feel that way anymore, he knows what he wants now. Well, okay, but I am still not going to be the one to start this discussion…I need to know that he’s ready because it didn’t go any further that night.

So now that you know where we stood on living together and marriage up til this past Saturday, you can imagine I was quite surprised to find out he had been thinking about it, let alone talking about it! And once the shock wore off (though I think I managed to keep a poker face!), I asked if that’s what he wanted, eventually. And he said yes, that’s what he would eventually like. I didn’t ask which – moving in or marriage – but figure it’s bound to come up again soon.

And I am soooo not jealous anymore. :-) Maybe a little scared, extraordinarily happy, but NOT jealous!!

Speaking our language

Are you familiar with the Five Love Languages? It’s a book that outlines how we each speak a certain “love language”, that we respond best to that language we are attuned to the most. Some of us may have more than one language, some may only have one. In any event, to prevent discord and have the most harmonious relationship, Dr. Chapman suggests that you learn your partner’s love language, what makes them tick, what they respond best to.

Let me give you an example. I personally have several, but I respond best to Touch and Words of Affirmation. Quality Time is a very close third. I could care less about Gifts or Deeds or Services. I have been this way for a long time, and knew this before I ever met #2. But #2 had some narcissistic need to give me things – all the time! At Christmas, I almost always had more gifts than my kids – combined! It was crazy! I would tell him to stop, to not buy me so much, but he just couldn’t. Perhaps that was his love language or else it was his perverse need to show off that we could afford such things. I always gave him things he wanted and he loved everything I did give him, but I didn’t go to excess. And he bought me flowers several times a week, which at first was very sweet. Until he made it seem like it was a chore, that he had to get me flowers and then he’d bring them home and throw them on the counter and say “Look what I got you, aren’t you going to put them in water before they die?” Not exactly a loving gesture now, was it?

I also did a lot for #2, because I realized in the beginning he tried to do that for me. I honestly didn’t appreciate it because I was independent, but I think it was one of his languages, so I tried to “speak” it for him. I never got upset when he did things, but I did have to tell him to stop several times, to no avail. Now, this isn’t why our marriage didn’t work out. You’d have to read the “A little background on the insecurity issue” (http://anewbeginning68.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-little-background-on-insecurity-issue.html) for that story.

I have become even more in tune with what I want, and try to be more aware of what language my partner speaks. I have already started talking to TK about his love language(s), and his are remarkably similar to mine, which helps explain why we are able to express ourselves so easily to each other. I have told him to only give me flowers on special occasions if at all, though I consented to him bringing me a single rose on occasion if that’s what he wants to do, and he’s okay with that.

Last week, the topic of Christmas came up and I told him I didn’t want him to buy me anything for Christmas. His response? “Okay, but you can’t buy me anything, either.” Deal. But his next words swept me off my feet all over again because it was exactly what I was thinking - “Know what I want? To spend an entire day with you, just the two of us, and the night, too.” You see, quality time ranks pretty high for him, as well. Touch is high on his list, so I can’t honestly say which is his primary language, if there is one. I haven’t asked, though apparently I am doing something right. But it’s a topic I intend to bring up soon.

We don’t get to see each other much if you haven’t figured that out, and “alone time” is even more fleeting for us. He has been working 80-90 hours a week, and he has two little people that call him dad that don’t have a mom, so they get first dibs on him. I understand and respect that, but it is so hard sometimes! We are gradually carving out time for just the two of us, and spending more time together with the kids - maybe once a week or every other week, we do things with the three younger ones. (The teen is usually working, doing homework or hanging out with his friends, but I do get one-on-one time with him each week.) Even when we do the family things, the two of us still touch, whisper, talk, laugh, kiss, hold hands...it’s just that at the end of the day, he and the kids go to their house and us to ours.

It’s not like we want to pretend we’re single and childless. No, nothing like that. But when you only see each other twice a week – maybe – and even then it’s after his kids are in bed and he can get away to my house…you can understand what it might be like. Even when I was married, I insisted on date night every two weeks so that we had “couple time”. I still want that. TK’s schedule lately is pretty hairy and we might be lucky to get half a day to spend together, but we will try.

I have vacation coming up in exactly 18 days…I cannot wait! I will have 9.5 days off, and I will have three entire days with no children in my home! Well, except now that the college student told me he will be home for two of them…. Okay, I can deal. I’m down to one day with no kids! And TK is taking a week off, so as long as that one day is covered, I am happy! Even so, any of the other two days work for me, too, since the college student’s girlfriend will also be in town at her dad’s and they will be together most of the time. I will just be the one he comes to when he’s hungry or needs gas money. Figures. :-/

Can you tell I am looking forward to my first real vacation in over a year???  Need me some Quality Time!!

To live together, or not...???

Having been married twice already, I am a little gun-shy about the prospect of ever doing it again.  I am not adverse to living together, but I am not sure I can do the marriage vows a third time.  And this has nothing to do with TK, and everything to do with me.  I will never say never, and I have told him this, but it’s not on my horizon at this time.  TK told me early on that he thinks he would want to get married again, but that it took him a long time to even consider that.  (His wife passed away five years ago, and their marriage was not solid at the time.) 

We have only been dating for four months, so in my opinion, it’s still a ways off.  Having said that, this relationship moved quickly, and we felt strongly about each other from the beginning.  Not just in a physical sense, but with the emotional bond we developed.  We both felt it – it’s like we knew what we wanted and what we didn’t want, and when the right person was put in front of us, it just hit us.  Maybe it’s our age, or what we’ve been through in life, I don’t know.  But I could easily see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

We’ve both tip-toed around the subject of what we eventually want, though we do agree a long-term relationship with each other, for sure.  That’s a start.  We have been exclusive from the beginning, and I trust him.  He’s mentioned that he would love to come home to me at the end of the day – though I think he was afraid to say that much because I might get scared.  But I didn’t.  I found it very sweet and told him so.  A month or so later, I mentioned to him that I would like to wake up next to him every day.  Once he realized what I meant, though, he got a little freaked out.  He said it wasn’t anything to do with me, but trust issues on his part.  We have yet to talk about that because I don’t want to scare him.  But we’ve got time….neither of us is going anywhere.

Part of our apprehension probably stems from our past relationships.  Most of mine is because of my independence - I don’t want to give that up – and I have worked through all the other issues.  I love my freedom - to do what I want, to paint the house any color I want, to not have to ask someone else for their opinion if I want to buy something…  But I guess that is outweighed by what I would gain by having him in my life, by my side, every single day.

Selfishly, I do enjoy the weekends that the little guy is with his dad.  I miss him, sure, but with the teen working or out with his friends, I have those weekends almost entirely to myself.  I love it;  I can do whatever I want!   Have lunch with friends, volunteer, do yard work, build some walls in my basement, read by the pool.  I also know that at some point my need for that much time to myself will lessen, probably as my desire to be with TK grows.  And it is definitely growing.

I have to say that I have considered what it would be like to have him and his kids move in with me.  I have a great house with plenty of room, and it would make the most sense.  He loves my house and so do his kids, plus it is much more energy-efficient than his, and there are other pluses, too.  What would happen to his house, I don’t know…he could sell it or allow his sister and dad to continue to live there and pay him rent.  Those are details that would get worked out when/if it comes to fruition.  Just some thoughts I have had.  I have to remember to be open to his suggestions as well, when the time comes…part of that Type A control thing I am trying to rein in.

If they do move in, however, it will mean a big change.  No more free time for me, not to the same extent as I have had in the past, and I have to be at the point where I am okay with that.  I will be a mother “figure” to two more children, one a girl – I have never had a daughter.   More food to prepare at meal times, more laundry to do, my laundry to oversee, more fights to intervene in…

But it means a big change for TK as well.  He’s used to his independence, too, raising his kids on his own, though he has had tremendous help from his dad and former in-laws, as well as his sister.  Living with me would mean an end of sorts for that help, because I would plan on helping get the kids to their practices and games, just as I do now. 

And an adjustment for all of the kids – including the college kid.  He is the only one I have even broached the subject with, and surprisingly, he was not opposed.  I think he sees how happy I am and just wants me to be happy.  He even offered to help them move, if the time comes, as long as I am certain and they aren’t moving out a year later. Yeah, me, too.

It’ll be a matter of weighing the pros and cons and talking it through, though.  I would plan, insist on, keeping our finances separate.  I don’t think he’d have a problem with that – I would just ask that he pay a set amount of “rent” each month to help with the bills, and I hope it would be less than what he pays now.  Without his dad asking for money all the time, and with hopefully a lesser outlay of money for bills, he should benefit financially as well.  The kids get a nice house in a great neighborhood, another dog, and other playmates.

I understand that some people would have an issue with a single mom considering moving in with her boyfriend without the benefit of marriage.  It’s not like I am asking him to support me.  Nope, as a matter of fact, I make more than he does, and he doesn’t appear to be intimidated by this.  If it comes down to TK or the kids needing health insurance or something catastrophic (God forbid), then of course, I would consider marriage, but then again, I might consider it sooner.  Who knows? 

I can’t predict what will happen.  All I can say is that these thoughts have gone through my head and haven’t even been spoken aloud.  I’m just trying them on for size.  And I know that as long as I am waffling, that I am not quite ready to discuss it with him.  I think this is what I want, but I still have to work through everything in my head and feel that I am at least closer to 100% ready before I broach the subject with TK.  Who knows?  He may have it in his head that we won’t live together until all of the kids are out of the house.  Ah, the art of compromise…

A little background on the insecurity issue...

I think in order to understand more about how I got here, I want to tell you about my second husband (referred to as #2).  We met while I was still married to #1, though that marriage was imploding – we were in counseling, to no avail.  We had been too young when we got married, he’s a selfish bastard who was never meant to father children (I refer to him as the sperm donor because he is not a parent to my older boys), and sadly I didn’t see any of this until after we’d had children. 

On the advice of my counselor, I was trying to do more things for myself, get involved in something to get me out of the house once in a while.  This was difficult for me because my life was enmeshed in my boys.  I was their primary caretaker and I loved them with every breath I took – why would I want to be away from them?  But she helped me to see that I was losing myself and I had to take care of me first, so I could be a better parent to my boys. 

I started playing volleyball on a team from work, where I met #2.  We were friends, nothing more.  He certainly didn’t do it for me.  He was kind of a hot mess, but the male version, when I first got to know him.  I have to admit, there was no attraction on my part…at all.  We hung out before our volleyball games and talked, but that was it.  Until I started to notice his interest went way past just being friends.

One thing to point out: #2 was up front about being a recovering alcoholic, and had just over a year in recovery when we met through his sponsor, who was a friend of mine from work.  Prior to that, he had been homeless for 18 months, a fact I learned much later.  I had never really been around an alcoholic, recovering or not.  It didn’t bother me, I learned a lot about how AA worked as we talked.  I was not offended by him being in recovery….it really didn’t matter to me since I don’t drink much anyway.  I just didn't realize at the time that was only part of the bigger picture.

After I separated and filed for divorce, #2 asked me out.  I admit this was a mistake – it was too soon.  I thought I was doing well on my own, and I see now that I was on the rebound.  His attention was flattering, his pursuit unwavering.  He had had some dental work done, got contacts, cleaned himself up, so yeah, he was now somewhat attractive.  My BFF later told me that she saw him as hunting me until he caught me, which would explain the manscaping.  I held out for quite a long time, but in the end, I did fall for him. 

In the beginning things were great.  He really seemed to love my boys and try to be a step-parent to them as best he could (he’d never been married or had children).  All was good, we were happy.  Looking back, I can see when the decline started, but as par for the course, you often can’t see it when you’re in it.

Years of alcohol abuse led to necrosis in his hip, so he was in a lot of pain.  He was eventually prescribed pain killers, and became addicted to them.  He changed…and not in a good way.  Oh, he still appeared to “work his program”, but it was tearing him apart.  He struggled to keep up the façade, and as it crumbled away, he took it out on those of us around him.  I bore the brunt of it, and to some extent, my kids.  Eventually he had his hip replaced, we weaned him off the pain killers, he relapsed, and finally we got him clean. 

However, within a year, a back injury put him back on the pills, and he’s been on them ever since (7+ years).  See, as an addict, he can justify in his mind that he is taking prescription meds, so he’s okay.  Doesn’t matter that they recommended surgery – he refused.  I think he likes those pills a little too much, a point proven several times over.  The addiction to the pills ate away at him, and I saw a decline in the number of AA meetings he attended.  He also got sent to anger management classes by his boss .  We even had perfect strangers call him out on his anger issues, I would find myself walking on eggshells around him, watching what I said to avoid any confrontation because it would only end badly.  At first, he was never physical.  No, it was all mental, verbal, emotional abuse.  But even that happened so gradually that I didn’t see it.

Now I do.  He was so insecure with himself, hated himself sooooo much, that he had to lash out at everyone else just to feel a little better.  We all had the problem, not him.  He would tell me he wasn’t happy, but I didn’t know how to help him – I was happy with myself, but it wasn’t enough.  He had to work on how to make himself happy, but he expected me to do it.

It wasn’t until I found out that he was having an affair, that all the pieces finally fell into place.  The affair was another manifestation of his addictions - looking for that next high, the euphoria from not getting caught.  And then more addictions came to light.   I really tried for several months, but I realized he was not going to get better until he wanted to get better.  Deep down inside, he hated himself and had tried to use me and the boys to prop him up until it didn’t work anymore.  AA had helped him, but it is tough work to fix yourself, and so much easier to blame everyone else.   Plus, those meetings he was supposedly going to?  He left the house, but he didn’t go to any meetings - he called the mistress every time.

Around this time, I attended the second of two AlAnon meetings, ever.  When someone said that just because they’re not drinking doesn’t mean they are sober and in recovery, it was in that instant that God told me what to do.  I realized I could never fix him and it wasn’t my place to try, as much as he told me it was.  And that he wasn’t the same person I had met who wanted to fix himself, and had used AA to help him.  He didn’t want AA to help him anymore.  So I went home, and I told him to leave.

Immediately, the atmosphere at my house was calm, peaceful, and happy.  I realized how insecure he really was – that the constant belittling of me (most of which I didn’t believe anyway) was his way of making himself feel better.  And when it didn’t work, he looked for other ways.  The affair.   Other addicitons.

I can look back over the course of these events and pinpoint with scientific precision when certain things occurred, and being a scientist, that helps me to understand that it was all out of my control.  Yes, I could have ended it a long time ago, but I couldn’t see clearly then. 

I have learned some powerful lessons, not the least is that insecure people will do anything they can to bring others down.  They will joke, insult, be mean, get jealous, be self-deprecating (but actually mean it), point out others’ apparent faults, try to isolate you from friends, need to have the best of everything, get angry if you try to correct them.  Some of our worst fights were because I knew how to do a lot of DIY projects and it intimidated him.  And the jealousy!  I never gave him a reason to be jealous, and yet I remember him asking on the weekends why I would put on make up to run errands.  Well, because it made me feel better.  I get now that he thought I was trying to find someone to replace him.

In the end, I was able to hold onto a lot of my self-confidence, though it was a little damaged.  I rebuilt it quickly because I had a solid foundation to begin with - and an excellent counselor who just so happened to specialize in drug and alcohol addictions, a fact I did NOT know when I first met with her.  That confidence is what attracted TK to me, and I am so happy to have him in my life.  He is confident in his own right – I don’t have to constantly stroke his ego!

And lastly, my kids are the center of my world.  They respect me as a single parent, and I think I am doing a damn fine job given the circumstances.  They are all amazing, loving, wonderful boys, and I can proudly say I have raised them on my own.  I am very grateful every day for my children.  Recently I apologized to my oldest for not being able to give him an adequate father figure, and that though I like sports and DIY projects, I was sorry that hunting and fishing were out of my realm.  He replied, “It’s all good, Momma.”  That’s all I need to hear.

Triggers in a new relationship

I have worked hard on myself to overcome some of the fears and insecurities I had as a result of an abusive (mentally and emotionally), co-dependent marriage.  I can now trust without the fear I once felt, I can love without caution (well, to some extent), and I can be happy without putting that on anyone else. 

With that said, we all have vulnerabilities, and I am the first to admit that on occasion, insecurities come to the forefront that I was not previously aware of, or that I thought I had worked through.  Yes, these often raise up at "that time of the month", so there is some correlation to my hormones.  (John Gray refers to this as The Well that women go into.)  I just make sure to acknowledge how I am feeling and know that although it might be based somewhat in reality, it is also a skewed perception of said reality.

TK has been working 90+ hour weeks the last few weeks.  He told me in the beginning that it would be a challenging next couple of weeks, but he did not tell me he wouldn't see me for a week at a time.  I like to plan ahead - my Type A personality - and if I had known I wouldn't see him for a whole week, I could have handled that much better than wondering every day if I would see him.  I sent him an email during that week, asking for more communication around weekly date nights, and to let me know if they weren't going to happen as early as he could (within reason).  I got no response from that.

Lack of communication is a trigger for me, I have come to realize this.  And because this happened at "that time of the month", it caused me to be a little bit insecure as it were.  I counseled myself continuously that I knew he loved me, and that he would be in contact when he could.  I also took to wearing a rubber band on my wrist - another tactic to remind myself that I needed to not text him constantly and ask when I would see him.  He didn't need that pressure, he still has his kids to be a parent to as well, so I had to take a back seat (yet again) to everything else in his life. 

So I put on the big girl panties and stayed busy.  I spent a lot of time with my kids (they probably thought too much!), hung out with friends, worked on ripping out the flooring in the bathroom I was re-tiling...in essence, I lived my life as though my boyfriend was out of town or something.  TK would bounce back every few days, expressing how much he missed me and wanted to see me.  By the time that week was up, he was telling me he needed to see me.  That was affirmation enough for me.
I had made it through!

But then one day this week he had an unexpected day off.  I, however, ended up having several meetings thrown onto my calendar.  We texted throughout the day - I had a cold and was finally feeling better, he asked how I was feeling and I told him the fog was lifting and I was okay.  We exchanged several more texts throughout the day, and I didn't think twice about it.  Of course, I was also anticipating seeing him that night for date night.  I should learn not to assume.

See, I had told him previously that due to his work schedule and his children, he was "driving this bus".  I had given him days that I was available (when little guy is with his dad), and it was up to him to let me know when he could fit me in, for lack of a better phrase.  He had already asked for a standing reservation for Wednesdays (his normal day off), so anything beyond that was icing on the cake in my book.  But I found that if I lowered my expectations and told myself I wouldn't see him, it was just easier...I didn't set myself up for the disappointment, and subsequent hurt for the few times it hadn't worked out the way I thought it would.

So what happened?  I assumed we had a standing date.  I should have kept my expectations low.  Apparently he decided that I was not texting as much that day, and somehow perceived that I was upset with him.  He ended up on a roller coaster, insecure about something, though in my mind, I still haven't figured out what triggered this.  (We'll talk about it tonight.)  I thought that perhaps something had happened with the kids, another pile I don't want to step in, so I waited.

Finally at 8:00 pm, he texts and asks how I'm doing.  WTF?  I respond that I'm fine, and asked how he was.  He said he was good...and that was it.  I was so annoyed by then - both with him and at myself - that I had to wait a bit before texting.  I finally asked that if we weren't going to have the standing Wednesday night dates anymore, could he please let me know?  We texted back and forth then, though I would much rather have spoken on the phone about it and resolved the issues, but he said he wasn't feeling well (sore throat, headache, upset stomach), so I didn't pursue that avenue.

Still, at one point the trigger hit: he told me he had felt insecure.  I had not been texting as much and when I had, to him it seemed as though I was short and distant.  He knew I hadn't felt well, and thought that was it, and that I didn't want to talk.  Wow.  So he had done the assuming.  I had told him I felt better - I even went back through my texts to make sure I hadn't been short and distant.  And then I started to panic a bit.  I didn't want to deal with another insecure male.  The last one had been plenty for one lifetime!  But then he had been an addict and was so unhappy with himself that no one would ever make him happy...nothing I did was ever good enough.

I hadn't seen any signs of  insecurity from TK in the four months we'd been dating.  So why now?  And what did I do about it?  If he was truly not feeling well, then that might have caused his emotions to run a little higher.  Still, I couldn't apologize for being busy at work!  Though I did apologize for being short at 8 pm when I realized things had gone south.  And he apologized as well.

I also pointed out that I had gone through a similar situation for the last several weeks - that he had seemed distant (because of work) and that I had kept myself busy and tried not to check my phone every five minutes.  I admitted that it sucked but I had no other option.  I think putting it perspective helped him to see it from my point of view, and what I had done to handle it.  Not that I am perfect!  I admit the insecurity I felt!  But I didn't tell him - I handled it.  I looked at myself to figure out why I felt the way I did, and determined the best course to change that.  I am the only one responsible for how I feel, and so is he.

Still, I also know I am not responsible for his insecurities.  That is something that he has to own and deal with and figure out why he feels that way.  He told me that nothing I said or did caused him to feel that way, so at least he does recognize that it's something only he can work on.  God, I don't think I could handle another co-dependent relationship!  I will keep my eye out for any other signs, but I think this is just a bump in the road that we are navigating as best we can.  I'll keep you posted. 

Dating a younger man

When I first spotted TK at our sons' baseball game, I honestly thought he was my age.  He looked like he was at least forty, had more grey hair than even salt-and-pepper, and was thinning out on top just a tiny bit.  To me, he looked distinguished, and quite handsome.  (I think distinguished is a word we women use to refer to a gentleman who perhaps may look a bit older, certainly not younger, but still quite easy on the eyes.)  I admit I was intrigued.  And when I caught him looking my way, those beautiful light blue eyes captivated me.  I had to know more about him.

My dad was a cop my entire life, and only just recently retired completely from law enforcement.  He instilled in me a guarded optimism - it's not that I am not trusting, but I do hedge my bets when I feel it is necessary.  And after some of the men I have met in my life, I am conditioned to be quite careful in that regards.  So yes, I Google people.  I have discovered quite a bit when doing so, and have outed several men in lies they were perpetuating (the worst one being that a particular male had a restraining order against him for stalking a woman three months before we began talking, something that did not actually surprise me from the way he had been acting... and I ended it right then.) 

I did Google TK, but really didn't learn much.  I had heard from his son that his wife had passed away, and I did find her obituary online.  It gave her age at the time, five years previously, so I assumed that TK was about her age, making him about five years younger than me.  Okay, I could deal with that.  I have been told quite often that I look younger than I actually am - people used to tell my mom that, too, so it must be in my genes.  If I look younger, and he looks older...

A few weeks later, I was bored so I Googled him again, and finally found an age for him.  Hmmm, it appeared he might actually be seven years younger than me, not five like I had thought.  Which would also mean that his wife was older than him, giving the impression that he liked older women?  Still, I didn't have a problem with that, and I wasn't sure the age listed was correct anyway - you know how the internet is.  Heck, sometimes they have #2's age listed as mine and he is four years older than me!  Oh, no, we can't have that! 

Once TK and I actually started talking, we briefly joked about Googling each other, but I never told him what I had found.  We had danced around the age thing, with me never actually telling him how old I was.  I know he had Googled me, trying to guess my middle name, and I warned him not to believe what age he might find (meaning that #2's might be listed instead).  One day, after weeks had gone by, I asked if he had figured out how old I was.  He replied that he thought he knew how old I was, but he had seen me in a bikini and there was no way I was the age Google told him I was.  Awwww!  That was one helluva compliment! 

I don't think I have an issue with my age (45), because I look and feel much younger.  I have to admit, a couple of years ago, I probably did look my age.  But I started running and taking better care of myself, and became more diligent about keeping the grey out of my hair, plus I think the confidence I feel with myself and in my life helps project a more youthful appearance.  In any event, I firmly believe you are only as old as you feel, and I'm going with 35.  Of course, when I have a twenty-year-old son, it's a little hard to explain that I didn't have him when I was fifteen!

So yeah, I think TK has figured out my age, but he just doesn't care.  If anything, I am probably more youthful than him.  He has said that years of working in his industry has put major strain on his knees, so he feels his age a lot more than I do.  He was never a runner, but for whatever reason, after we started dating, he took up running and actually enjoys it.  To me, running makes me feel younger and more alive, and I hope that's how he feels, too.  We haven't actually run together yet - I don't know if he is intimidated by me because I have been running longer, or if I am intimidated by his younger, male body, but in March, we will be running a half marathon together.  I ran my first one last month and it was one of the greatest achievements of my life - and a bucket list item I got to check off.  The elation I felt after was incredible - so much so that I added completing a full marathon to my bucket list.  Let's see if the younger man can keep up with me for that!

All in all, I have no qualms about dating a man seven years my junior.  As long as it doesn't bother him, I am good.  I think he finally knows my age - one day he asked me what my Chinese Zodiac sign was, I guess to see if we were supposed to be compatible, and asked if it was the rat.  I said no, I think it's the monkey, then teased him that he only asked because he was trying to figure out how old I was.  So now he knows what year I was born, he knows my birthday...I imagine he's smart enough to do the math.

Someone called me a cougar one day, and I was not offended.  I mean, I certainly didn't set out to go after a younger man.  Matter of fact, on my online dating profile, I only put that I was seeking a man a couple of years younger to approximately ten years older than me.  I just didn't think someone that much younger than me would be interested.  Besides, I didn't set out to be a cougar, and yet the title means nothing to me.  Another friend who is TK's age, joked with me about going after the younger men.  I told him that it's not that I go after them, but that age range seems to be the ones interested in ME (my last relationship was with a man-boy who was 38).  Who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? 

I do have limits.  I personally could not date someone who was young enough to be my son.  Ewwww.  Besides the ewww factor my son would feel.  And what if they would want to have kids????  Nope, I think this baby factory is closed.  The only way that would happen is if I won the lottery and didn't have to work anymore or worry about money and financing college.  And I don't see THAT happening!  (Can't win if you don't play, right?) 

Maybe it helps that TK looks older than his age.  I won't tell him that, but it's true.  It puts us more on the same level.  So if I start showing my age, and he is already looking a bit more distinguished, then I don't think he'll turn me over for a younger model.  At least I hope not.  But I can't think about that.  Ex #2 turned me over for an older one!  LOL!  I guess it's not really an issue for me.  As long as I am happy with TK and he is happy with me, then I will live in the moment and enjoy the love of a (much) younger man. :-)

Falling into the-L-word

Honestly, I have never been in a relationship where I have said the L word first.  I am not sure if I felt it first, but if I did, I certainly didn't say it.  I can't tell you why, it's just the way I wanted it to go, the way I felt it should be.  Now, almost everything I read online says you should let the guy tell you first since they guide the relationship more - you don't want to scare them away.  Maybe there's some truth to that, I don't know.  I would just rather do what comes naturally.

I have also read a few articles that say men want you to open up to them, be emotionally honest, because that helps them feel more comfortable opening up to you.  Okay, I get that, too, but there is a fine line between the two that we women have to walk.  I think it's like a tight rope - one slip either way, and you're doomed.

Up til this year, there have been three boys/men that I have been in love with in my life, and I might have loved a fourth - I just can't honestly say because I ran from my feelings back then. (Don't worry, I did contact him years later to apologize and we are friends again.)  The last time, though, I was scared to death when he told me.  I think I saw it coming and even avoided situations where he might say those words out loud.  I was recently divorced, he's the first guy I dated after...  Let's just say I was a wounded rabbit that should have taken a lot more time to heal from the demise of my last marriage before jumping into a serious relationship.  But no one told me that then...

Oh, he pursued me, relentlessly!  And eventually, I caved.  We married.  We had a son.  Things went very bad.  I kicked him out.  We got divorced.  And I thought I would probably never want to get married again, let alone fall in love with anyone.  I mean, #2 changed before my eyes and I just didn't see it happening.  Could that happen again?  Yes, possibly.  So that's why just casually dating someone had such appeal.  If I kept them at a distance, I couldn't get hurt, right?

When TK and I first started texting/talking, it was as though he could read my mind.  When I asked him what characteristics he found attractive, he described me to a T, and this is before we knew each other.  I also told him what I was looking for in a partner, and knowing him like I do now, I realize I had chosen someone who fit every single trait.  I couldn't wait to get to know him better, though I tried to go slow, take my time.  The first time he referred to me as his girlfriend, I flipped out a bit - he had no idea at the time, but I did come back and say I didn't feel I had earned the girlfriend title, since it had only been two weeks.  I asked him to be patient with me, give me time, and he did.   I think it was only about a week later that I was hooked, and relented on the girlfriend label.

We have similar parenting styles, we make each other laugh, we support each other, we are extremely attracted to each other, we thoroughly enjoy each other's company - especially when just doing the mundane things like shopping or cooking.  The day of our first "family" outing, that I previously referred to in another post...that's the day he said he felt it.  We were at the Irish Fest held each year at Crown Center.  I remember sitting in Washington Square Park watching my son and his daughter climb a rock wall.  I saw him walking towards me out of the corner of my eye, but I kept my eyes on the kids.  I saw him stop and just stare at me for the longest time, a little smile playing on his face.  As he started towards me again, I turned and gave him a big smile, and that's apparently what did it.  He told me later that he wanted to tell me right then, in that moment, but he couldn't because it wasn't "part of our vocabulary yet".  Yet I think it stunned him a bit that it came to him so naturally, as though we had been saying to each other for years, so it's probably best that he waited a few more days.

Later that evening, I sent him an email.  I told him how I felt, without using the L word.  He asked if I had crossed the line, no turning back.  Before I could respond, he told me he had.  I asked when, and he said probably from day one.  (Wow!)  He told me that he had had to bite his tongue several times to keep himself in check, because he didn't want to do or say anything to make me uncomfortable or scare me off.  I told him I want him to talk to me about his feelings, and he said he would in time, he didn't want to rush anything though it also felt impossible to slow it, us, down.
I felt a lot of feelings for him by this time, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to call it love.  Doing more research on the subject didn't help much, unless I wanted to determine when the right time was to tell my first love that I loved him.  How do you tell someone twenty-plus years later?  Things are just different when you're in your 40s.  I wasn't looking for someone to father my children, or someone to support me.  And I had been through enough in my life to know what I didn't want, and have an idea of what I DID want. 

As I started thinking more about it, I realized that what I felt was different than anything I'd ever felt before.  Perhaps it was love.  It was quite a strong emotion, that's for sure.  It felt different because I was different - I was a different person than I had been at those other times in my life, I was at a different place in my life with a different outlook, and it was okay to feel this way.  Again, I didn't say anything more to him about it - I wanted to savor this feeling for a bit.

Less than a week later, we spent an afternoon off together.  At one point he pulled me close, and told me he wanted to tell me something.  I'll keep the details to myself, but he said those words to me.  And it felt so right and natural, that I said them back to him.  They've been in our vocabulary ever since.

Dating and the single parent

When I was finalizing my divorce, I thought at the time that I wanted to date a man with no children.  I thought he would have more time for me, would possibly be available when I was without having to rearrange schedules, we wouldn't have to worry about finding a place to be alone with no kids around.  (Shut up, don't judge, I was naive, okay?)  But one of my college boyfriends pointed out that perhaps I should consider dating someone with kids.  Wouldn't they better be able to relate to me as a single parent if they were in the same boat?

So I thought about it, and realized he was right.  And not just because he was single and had kids (we did try that out, but he lives too far away), but he had a good point.  Just like having a boss that has kids is more relatable to what you go through as a parent than one that has never had children, so is the man that eventually won me over.

We met through out kids' baseball team, and we have discovered that we have similar parenting styles.  However, his wife passed away years ago, so his children don't have a mother in their lives.  Then again, #1 is not active in my kids' lives, and #2 has issues and isn't exactly a stellar hands-on parent, so though their dads are alive, it doesn't make them parents.  (I refer to them both as sperm donors in my head, at least!)  So essentially, we are in similar situations.

Because my youngest goes to his dad's every other weekend, that's the time I set aside to date.  I realize it's not a lot of time, but I'd rather not take any time away from the kids until I get to know the person I am seeing.   The oldest is off at college so I don't have to worry about planning around him.  The teen is usually busy with school, his friends or work, so I try to see him when he isn't busy, and work around that. 

TK and I spent our first "date" just talking at my house.  He had worked, so it was late in the evening when he finally arrived, and he brought chocolate!  We'd only been talking for a week, and he already knew the way to my heart.  We talked well into the night.  When he finally mentioned heading home, I realized if I wanted to kiss him, I was going to have to do it.  And so I did.  He finally left four hours later, after we had stayed up all night.  All I knew then was that I wanted to get to know him better.  (And in case you were wondering, nothing further happened since the teen was asleep upstairs!)

Of course, that also meant that he had had no sleep and went home to spend the day with his children.  He managed to sneak in some naps and go to bed fairly early.  At least I was able to go to sleep after the teen went to work, and he never knew I had been up all night.  Oh, the things we do to keep our kids in the dark!

I didn't hide my relationship with TK from the kids, but I also didn't flaunt it to them.  First of all, I have this thing where I am afraid to say too much to anyone too soon.  Not in a superstitious way, but if it doesn't work out, I won't have to explain much to anyone this way.  Second, my kids are aware that I date some, but because of what happened when I gave the older ones a stepfather (still some residual guilt there), I am VERY protective of who I bring around my children.  I would rather my kids feel safe and secure in the knowledge that I love them and will always be there for them, and my wants on a personal level are secondary to that.   Now, I am not saying that I plan to remain celibate, but again, it's not a subject I want to discuss with my kids, so if I keep them removed from it, I won't have to.

My kids had all been around TK at ball games, though at the time they were like me - we knew who he was but didn't interact with him much at all.  Eventually, the oldest ascertained there was a budding interest on my part, but I didn't give him any details and he quietly refrained from giving me any grief about it.  I have a wonderful relationship with my boys, and they love to tease me good-naturedly.  Perhaps he sensed something different with this one, I don't know, but he didn't ask any questions and I let it be for awhile. 

It was about two weeks in when I invited TK and his son to a pool party/BBQ at my house.  TK was working but his son came to the party, and TK came to the party when he got off of work.  I figured if we were going to be seeing each other, our kids would be spending time together, too, and it went well.  The poor man was also subjected to both my brother and over-protective cousin, and he came out the other side none the worse.  I guess he passed some kind of test!  The kids all played well together, and the party was still going strong at 2:00 am.  (Apparently, I throw some kind of party!)

Because of his work schedule, the best we can usually do is to sneak time alone after he got off work, always at my house when the littlest is at his dad's and the teen is out or asleep.  We have managed a few dinners out as well, and a quiet afternoon alone on occasion.  After about six weeks, he suggested an outing with his kids and my youngest.  (The teen was working that day.)  It was a fabulous day!  And apparently, it was the day that sealed the deal for him, but that will be another post.

It hasn't been easy, trying to find that balance.  Somehow, my life is a bit calmer than his, I have a much better, more flexible work schedule that suits single-parenthood well, so my life is somewhat more manageable than his might seem.  I also have the occasional "break" from my hectic life when my youngest goes to his dad's.  I used to feel so sad when my son left, then I tried to look at that time as opportunities to do things for me, and now that's the time I can set aside to see TK, when he's not working or with his kids.

One of the things that I told him in the beginning was that I understand that his kids will always come first, and that's okay.  There have been times that he has had to leave because one of the kids is sick, and I keep my disappointment at bay because I would do the same thing.  What has been more difficult is realizing that his work comes second.  That has been the one area I have really pushed for communication in, because his work is so unpredictable, and many times it has impacted plans we have had.  I get to see him so infrequently that this has become a bigger issue than I hoped it would be.  I feel like the kid picked last in gym class, that I get the scraps left over, but that's what I signed up for.  So I pull up my big girl panties, give him the space he needs, and live my life.  (John Gray would be so proud!)

I still have friends and refuse to make them take a backseat to a man, so I make sure I have time for them, and that I keep running, and doing the things that make me happy.  In addition to all the family stuff, of course!  Somehow, we are making it work.  The boys are gradually adjusting to this person in my life, and they seem to like him, which is a huge plus.  They also a know that I am not trying to give them a new dad.  No, this relationship is for ME first.  That may sound selfish, but if I'm not happy, what's the point?  And it's not like I'm going after the "bad boy" rebel who would not be a good role model for anyone.  This one, though?  He's a good dad - I can spot them a mile away - and that's a huge turn-on for me at this point.  (Oh, the irony!) 

But with the right person, and I think he is, eventually we might all become some sort of family.  Maybe not in the classic sense, because let's face it - we are waaaaay past that!  But a family unit that works for us.