Honestly, I have never been in a relationship where I have said the L word first. I am not sure if I felt it first, but if I did, I certainly didn't say it. I can't tell you why, it's just the way I wanted it to go, the way I felt it should be. Now, almost everything I read online says you should let the guy tell you first since they guide the relationship more - you don't want to scare them away. Maybe there's some truth to that, I don't know. I would just rather do what comes naturally.
I have also read a few articles that say men want you to open up to them, be emotionally honest, because that helps them feel more comfortable opening up to you. Okay, I get that, too, but there is a fine line between the two that we women have to walk. I think it's like a tight rope - one slip either way, and you're doomed.
Up til this year, there have been three boys/men that I have been in love with in my life, and I might have loved a fourth - I just can't honestly say because I ran from my feelings back then. (Don't worry, I did contact him years later to apologize and we are friends again.) The last time, though, I was scared to death when he told me. I think I saw it coming and even avoided situations where he might say those words out loud. I was recently divorced, he's the first guy I dated after... Let's just say I was a wounded rabbit that should have taken a lot more time to heal from the demise of my last marriage before jumping into a serious relationship. But no one told me that then...
Oh, he pursued me, relentlessly! And eventually, I caved. We married. We had a son. Things went very bad. I kicked him out. We got divorced. And I thought I would probably never want to get married again, let alone fall in love with anyone. I mean, #2 changed before my eyes and I just didn't see it happening. Could that happen again? Yes, possibly. So that's why just casually dating someone had such appeal. If I kept them at a distance, I couldn't get hurt, right?
When TK and I first started texting/talking, it was as though he could read my mind. When I asked him what characteristics he found attractive, he described me to a T, and this is before we knew each other. I also told him what I was looking for in a partner, and knowing him like I do now, I realize I had chosen someone who fit every single trait. I couldn't wait to get to know him better, though I tried to go slow, take my time. The first time he referred to me as his girlfriend, I flipped out a bit - he had no idea at the time, but I did come back and say I didn't feel I had earned the girlfriend title, since it had only been two weeks. I asked him to be patient with me, give me time, and he did. I think it was only about a week later that I was hooked, and relented on the girlfriend label.
We have similar parenting styles, we make each other laugh, we support each other, we are extremely attracted to each other, we thoroughly enjoy each other's company - especially when just doing the mundane things like shopping or cooking. The day of our first "family" outing, that I previously referred to in another post...that's the day he said he felt it. We were at the Irish Fest held each year at Crown Center. I remember sitting in Washington Square Park watching my son and his daughter climb a rock wall. I saw him walking towards me out of the corner of my eye, but I kept my eyes on the kids. I saw him stop and just stare at me for the longest time, a little smile playing on his face. As he started towards me again, I turned and gave him a big smile, and that's apparently what did it. He told me later that he wanted to tell me right then, in that moment, but he couldn't because it wasn't "part of our vocabulary yet". Yet I think it stunned him a bit that it came to him so naturally, as though we had been saying to each other for years, so it's probably best that he waited a few more days.
Later that evening, I sent him an email. I told him how I felt, without using the L word. He asked if I had crossed the line, no turning back. Before I could respond, he told me he had. I asked when, and he said probably from day one. (Wow!) He told me that he had had to bite his tongue several times to keep himself in check, because he didn't want to do or say anything to make me uncomfortable or scare me off. I told him I want him to talk to me about his feelings, and he said he would in time, he didn't want to rush anything though it also felt impossible to slow it, us, down.
I felt a lot of feelings for him by this time, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to call it love. Doing more research on the subject didn't help much, unless I wanted to determine when the right time was to tell my first love that I loved him. How do you tell someone twenty-plus years later? Things are just different when you're in your 40s. I wasn't looking for someone to father my children, or someone to support me. And I had been through enough in my life to know what I didn't want, and have an idea of what I DID want.
As I started thinking more about it, I realized that what I felt was different than anything I'd ever felt before. Perhaps it was love. It was quite a strong emotion, that's for sure. It felt different because I was different - I was a different person than I had been at those other times in my life, I was at a different place in my life with a different outlook, and it was okay to feel this way. Again, I didn't say anything more to him about it - I wanted to savor this feeling for a bit.
Less than a week later, we spent an afternoon off together. At one point he pulled me close, and told me he wanted to tell me something. I'll keep the details to myself, but he said those words to me. And it felt so right and natural, that I said them back to him. They've been in our vocabulary ever since.
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