When I was finalizing my divorce, I thought at the time that I wanted to date a man with no children. I thought he would have more time for me, would possibly be available when I was without having to rearrange schedules, we wouldn't have to worry about finding a place to be alone with no kids around. (Shut up, don't judge, I was naive, okay?) But one of my college boyfriends pointed out that perhaps I should consider dating someone with kids. Wouldn't they better be able to relate to me as a single parent if they were in the same boat?
So I thought about it, and realized he was right. And not just because he was single and had kids (we did try that out, but he lives too far away), but he had a good point. Just like having a boss that has kids is more relatable to what you go through as a parent than one that has never had children, so is the man that eventually won me over.
We met through out kids' baseball team, and we have discovered that we have similar parenting styles. However, his wife passed away years ago, so his children don't have a mother in their lives. Then again, #1 is not active in my kids' lives, and #2 has issues and isn't exactly a stellar hands-on parent, so though their dads are alive, it doesn't make them parents. (I refer to them both as sperm donors in my head, at least!) So essentially, we are in similar situations.
Because my youngest goes to his dad's every other weekend, that's the time I set aside to date. I realize it's not a lot of time, but I'd rather not take any time away from the kids until I get to know the person I am seeing. The oldest is off at college so I don't have to worry about planning around him. The teen is usually busy with school, his friends or work, so I try to see him when he isn't busy, and work around that.
TK and I spent our first "date" just talking at my house. He had worked, so it was late in the evening when he finally arrived, and he brought chocolate! We'd only been talking for a week, and he already knew the way to my heart. We talked well into the night. When he finally mentioned heading home, I realized if I wanted to kiss him, I was going to have to do it. And so I did. He finally left four hours later, after we had stayed up all night. All I knew then was that I wanted to get to know him better. (And in case you were wondering, nothing further happened since the teen was asleep upstairs!)
Of course, that also meant that he had had no sleep and went home to spend the day with his children. He managed to sneak in some naps and go to bed fairly early. At least I was able to go to sleep after the teen went to work, and he never knew I had been up all night. Oh, the things we do to keep our kids in the dark!
I didn't hide my relationship with TK from the kids, but I also didn't flaunt it to them. First of all, I have this thing where I am afraid to say too much to anyone too soon. Not in a superstitious way, but if it doesn't work out, I won't have to explain much to anyone this way. Second, my kids are aware that I date some, but because of what happened when I gave the older ones a stepfather (still some residual guilt there), I am VERY protective of who I bring around my children. I would rather my kids feel safe and secure in the knowledge that I love them and will always be there for them, and my wants on a personal level are secondary to that. Now, I am not saying that I plan to remain celibate, but again, it's not a subject I want to discuss with my kids, so if I keep them removed from it, I won't have to.
My kids had all been around TK at ball games, though at the time they were like me - we knew who he was but didn't interact with him much at all. Eventually, the oldest ascertained there was a budding interest on my part, but I didn't give him any details and he quietly refrained from giving me any grief about it. I have a wonderful relationship with my boys, and they love to tease me good-naturedly. Perhaps he sensed something different with this one, I don't know, but he didn't ask any questions and I let it be for awhile.
It was about two weeks in when I invited TK and his son to a pool party/BBQ at my house. TK was working but his son came to the party, and TK came to the party when he got off of work. I figured if we were going to be seeing each other, our kids would be spending time together, too, and it went well. The poor man was also subjected to both my brother and over-protective cousin, and he came out the other side none the worse. I guess he passed some kind of test! The kids all played well together, and the party was still going strong at 2:00 am. (Apparently, I throw some kind of party!)
Because of his work schedule, the best we can usually do is to sneak time alone after he got off work, always at my house when the littlest is at his dad's and the teen is out or asleep. We have managed a few dinners out as well, and a quiet afternoon alone on occasion. After about six weeks, he suggested an outing with his kids and my youngest. (The teen was working that day.) It was a fabulous day! And apparently, it was the day that sealed the deal for him, but that will be another post.
It hasn't been easy, trying to find that balance. Somehow, my life is a bit calmer than his, I have a much better, more flexible work schedule that suits single-parenthood well, so my life is somewhat more manageable than his might seem. I also have the occasional "break" from my hectic life when my youngest goes to his dad's. I used to feel so sad when my son left, then I tried to look at that time as opportunities to do things for me, and now that's the time I can set aside to see TK, when he's not working or with his kids.
One of the things that I told him in the beginning was that I understand that his kids will always come first, and that's okay. There have been times that he has had to leave because one of the kids is sick, and I keep my disappointment at bay because I would do the same thing. What has been more difficult is realizing that his work comes second. That has been the one area I have really pushed for communication in, because his work is so unpredictable, and many times it has impacted plans we have had. I get to see him so infrequently that this has become a bigger issue than I hoped it would be. I feel like the kid picked last in gym class, that I get the scraps left over, but that's what I signed up for. So I pull up my big girl panties, give him the space he needs, and live my life. (John Gray would be so proud!)
I still have friends and refuse to make them take a backseat to a man, so I make sure I have time for them, and that I keep running, and doing the things that make me happy. In addition to all the family stuff, of course! Somehow, we are making it work. The boys are gradually adjusting to this person in my life, and they seem to like him, which is a huge plus. They also a know that I am not trying to give them a new dad. No, this relationship is for ME first. That may sound selfish, but if I'm not happy, what's the point? And it's not like I'm going after the "bad boy" rebel who would not be a good role model for anyone. This one, though? He's a good dad - I can spot them a mile away - and that's a huge turn-on for me at this point. (Oh, the irony!)
But with the right person, and I think he is, eventually we might all become some sort of family. Maybe not in the classic sense, because let's face it - we are waaaaay past that! But a family unit that works for us.
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