Yes, it may be my tagline, but it is sooooo true! I cannot emphasize enough how important it is! Never, ever put your happiness in someone else's hands....it's too easy to lose that way. Nope, only you are responsible for your own happiness, no one else. Let me explain.
If you meet the man you think is Mr. Right, and you fall totally, helplessly in love with him, want to devote yourself to him, spend ALL your time with him, and he ends up walking away, what are you left with? A broken heart, for sure, but you've alienated all of your friends in the meantime because you thought he was the one - you lost yourself in him, and in the end, YOU is all you have left. Not to mention you attached your self-esteem to him by giving him every ounce of your being. Do NOT do that. You are more important than that, you are worth more than that, you need that sense of self! And what you need to do is love yourself.
How do you do that? Well, it might be hard work at first. You will need to look inside yourself, really take a good, honest look, and see if you like what you see. Not what others might see, but what YOU see. And if you don't, if there are things about yourself that you don't necessarily like, or aren't happy with, then change. Make a concerted effort to work on yourself and your issues. I'm not saying you have to fix everything - we're all perfectly imperfect. But I guarantee you as you work on yourself, you will begin to LIKE yourself, a little more every day, until you are so happy with your life and yourself that you will exude confidence. And what do most men look for in a woman? I can guarantee you that confidence is high on the list! Girls that completely immerse themselves in their man gradually lose their confidence as they lose their self-awareness, and insecurities start to niggle at them. Don't let that happen to you!
Yes, I know this from experience, and it was a hard lesson to learn. With #2, I KNEW this and even during the unhappy times in our marriage, I was still a relatively happy person. I could separate myself from him and focus on my kids, or even myself, but being an addict, he couldn't understand why...mostly because he couldn't work on himself. Yes, I got blamed for his unhappiness, but I also knew it wasn't true. He was in counseling, but from the things he brought back from his sessions, I knew he wasn't telling the truth. As I learned how he was slipping away from his program, I realized more than ever I had to keep true to myself, lest he bring me down with him. Plus, I had three kids to protect.
Ultimately, his addictions won out and manifested in other ways - the affair being the culmination. I guess I should have seen it coming, but I was so focused on just trying to survive. More and more things began to add up, and I finally realized I couldn't do it anymore. I was quickly becoming unhappy in this marriage, and it was apparent the marriage was crumbling anyway. (No way was I going to allow him to stay married to me while he slept with someone else!) And so I kicked him out. Oh, it wasn't easy and he fought like a tiger (especially because I only gave him a week to get out), but in the end, it was for the best. Once I'd made the decision, a huge burden was lifted, and that burden pretty much disappeared by the time he left.
Almost instantly, there was a change in the atmosphere in my house, and I knew I had made the right decision. Granted, I had to work through the fact that I should have done it a lot sooner - he had made our lives miserable for too long. I own that, I accept it, and I have worked to help my kids deal with it, too. We were so much happier, just the four of us, and it's only gotten better as the years have passed. We truly love each other, respect each other, and have a great time together. I also feel that having experienced what they have, my children have a greater appreciation for their lives now, for their own happiness. They watched me take the steps I had to take to guarantee our happiness (there have been other times as well), and I hope they can take that example into their own lives as they grow and strike out on their own.
What's funny is that I was soooo happy with my life that I thought it couldn't get any better. I mean, I have a wonderful job that I love and am respected for (after some turmoil in that area), I can support my family, we live in a lovely home, we get to take trips every couple of years, my kids have everything they need and some of what they want....what more could I want?
In a previous blog, I talked about wanting a man but not needing a man. I thought that having one around once in a while would fill that role, and I would be fulfilled. Several men came and went, yet none fit the bill. And then TK came along. And like I said before, what I thought I wanted flew out the window, and in its place is this man who makes me feel like a goddess, who is kind, respectful, funny, a great parent, a hard worker, who can make me smile with just a look.
I thought I knew happy. But I have never felt like this before. Yes, I have been in love several times in the past, but this is different. I say that it's because I am at a different point in my life, and I feel things differently. Or this is what it's like to have an honest, mature love. In any event, he has completely changed my life. I WAS happy before, and yet I have reached a new level of happiness that I never knew existed. I try every day to not lose myself - it requires a constant diligence because it is so easy to want to spend all of my time with him. Yet, we both have children that take precedence in our lives, and our relationship is secondary. If anything, I love him more for that. (#2 can barely take care of himself let alone our son, and #1 rarely contacts his boys as it is.)
I still spend a lot of time with my kids, make time for my girlfriends, run when I can, and still do DIY stuff around the house (this month's project - ripping up the vinyl and installing tile in the college kid's bathroom). These are things that I like to do, and they make me who I am. TK respects that and encourages it at the same time. There's a balance, and we are still trying to find it - I think it may be one of those things that's ever-changing and we will just have to find a balance every single day that works for us. Both of us are working towards a common goal: to be happy. Happy with ourselves, and then happy in our relationship. So far, we're doing quite well!
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