Why is it that no one warns you that dating nowadays is so much different than it was back in high school and college? Yeah, I get that I am no longer looking for Mr. Right to be the father of my children, and we will live happily ever after. (Yes, some people CAN and DO find him, but I did not.) I am not expecting the fairy tale, just someone that I can have fun with, be happy with.
I discovered after some time that online dating was not for me. I just don't have the time to devote every day to reading and answering messages, texts, and online questionaires. And let's face it, I didn't actually get a ton of responses, but a respectable amount. Still, raising three kids on my own, working full time and taking care of a house - yeah, there's little time left over for me, let alone trolling in the online dating pond.
And I don't like to go out to bars very often. Once in a while, if a friend's celebrating a birthday, then I don't mind. We grab a few drinks, laugh and have fun, maybe do a line dance or two, and call it a night. Occasionally, we have an interested male come around, but I just don't feel the need to look for a potential suitor in a bar, of all places.
Some of my single girlfriends (who are all single moms, as well) have expressed the same feelings as I. We came to the conclusion last year that we were giving up the online drama - it just wasn't for us. Instead, we decided to focus on ourselves more, do things that we enjoy, spend more time with our kids, family and friends and if we happen to meet someone in the meantime, so be it. It seemed much more likely that by attending school functions, spending time at our kids' athletic events and activities, immersing ourselves in our own hobbies, or even going to the grocery store (or hardware store - whatever your pleasure is), we might run into someone who had similar interests as us. In a nutshell, we were going to live our lives.
Men our age, though, are a fickle bunch. Most often if they are single, they have already been married at least once. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it can make for some interesting dates. I myself have been married twice (the first, we were too young; the second, he was an addict) and have my own share of baggage in the form of ex-husbands and their various and asundry issues. However, I have also worked hard to distance myself from the BS that seems to get hurled a few times a year from halfway across the country, courtesy of the still-immature first husband, as well as the ongoing problems that stem from multiple addictions on the part of the second. My life is a constant joy, and I am not being facetious. More on that in a bit.
You see, men that have been through the gamut once already have a tendency to go for a, shall we say, younger model? One especially that has no baggage to speak of. And, many women do tend to age less graciously than men, but that doesn't mean that we should be pushed aside as a last resort, does it? No! But, there comes a time in our lives when we should really look deep inside ourselves and decide if we like what we see. Because if we don't, how will anyone else?
So, I made a decision...I had worked hard on myself (I had years of emotional/mental abuse to overcome from husband #2), and was at a good place mentally. I lost my job but found an even better one, and realized that even though that transition sucked, it was the best thing that could have happened to me (old job was a very toxic environment - good riddance). See, I found the positive in that situation, and was able to set an example for my kids.
I am very grateful for all I have, and feel very blessed. I have learned that even the bad situations (including my two failed marriages) provide us growth opportunities if we let them. Change doesn't always have to be bad. Embrace change, and look for the silver lining! This new outlook also helped with my confidence. I am not an insecure person, but we all feel insecure sometimes. As my confidence grew, my insecurities melted away. I felt like I could take on the world!
To some extent, I did. I decided to not live with regrets. I asked a guy out that I thought was cute. I sent another guy a Facebook message, and we started a (albeit short) relationship. The things I thought I couldn't do before, I said "Why not?" and did them anyway. I don't subscribe to the theory that you have to wait for the guy to ask you out. If you see something you want, just go for it. What do you have to lose? Can you live with not knowing how it would have turned out? I can't, not anymore. Maybe it's being in my 40s, but I'm done playing games.
I became a happier person, and in doing so, my kids are happier, too. Not that I wasn't before - but sometimes you don't realize how repressed you are until you shed some of that baggage. I was thrilled that I could support my children, emotionally and monetarily; I was ecstatic that I could do it all on my own, with little help from my kids and virtually no help from anyone outside out little family. Granted, once the college kid moved back to school, I lost a drive and helper, but I gained another driver when the teen got a car.
I also added indifference to my vocabulary and actively lived it. When someone is not adding value to your life, you have to make a choice - cut them loose, or become indifferent. I cut those I could, but I couldn't necessarily cut my exes from my life. So I choose to not let the small stuff bother me. What a freeing experience that was! I no longer responded to all the negativity that comes my way from #1. If it is not good for my kids, I ignore it (because let's face it, it's NEVER good for me!). It hasn't changed the amount that comes our way, but I am happier because I don't let it bother me.
I am not saying I am the perfect mom - I'm not! But essentially, I am the only parent my kids have that they can rely on consistently on a daily basis, and things are going well. My kids are happy, though the oldest does have some issues with his dad (and former stepdad) that he's working through in therapy. I did have to own a little of that because I let husband #2 stay a little too long, trying to make it work. In addition, I feel that I have found a good work/life balance. I also started running again earlier this year, and have completed a number of 5Ks, as well as my first half-marathon last month! Running helps me clear my head, gives me "alone time", and is good for my health. As well as for losing weight!
What does all this have to do with dating, you ask? Think of it like this: you have to present the best version of yourself to a potential date, right? So what's better than being a happy, well-adjusted, active, energetic, and confident woman who can support herself? My girlfriends and I have discussed many a time that we "want" a man in our lives, but we don't "need" one. Sound familiar? we are an independent bunch, and we've been doing this for awhile. We don't want to lose our independence or our freedom, though we do want to find someone to share it with.
And I did. A younger man, even!! Our boys played baseball together (go figure!). You can bet he will be the subject of future blogs, as we navigate the dating world. Stay tuned!
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