I have to admit, I have only had one family member that I was close to pass away. I cannot fathom what it must be like for someone to lose a spouse, child or parent because I have not yet experienced that. Well, I guess I can imagine it somewhat, but I am sure what I would conjure up in my head would be nowhere near what it is truly like.
TK lost his wife almost six years ago. Their marriage was almost at an end, according to what he has told me, for reasons I will not disclose. It is my understanding that she was not the same person he fell in love with all those years ago, and even after she came back into his life and they married three months later, she was not the same person then that she had been the first time they met. I think it was one of those “hindsight” things, but it happened, they were married and had children together and then she died.
Because I have never dealt with something like this, I have sought out advice from traditional sources, including one close friend whose husband passed shortly after they divorced. Six years seems like an adequate amount of time, but I also understand that no one can put a timeline on grief, so please bear with me if it seems that I am jumping to conclusions. I am trying not to, just relating my experiences and what I have observed.
TK was in another relationship before me, so that did make me feel a little less anxious when we first started dating…I didn’t want to be the first person he dated after his wife died. My marriage to #2 was as co-dependent as they come, and I have actively tried to avoid any relationship in which he might need “fixing”. In any event, I did not get that in any context from TK, and so I was able to let my guard down a bit.
I really fought falling for him at first, not because of him but because of me. I didn’t want to get hurt again. But sometimes in order to feel you have to open your heart and take that risk. I once read something that said falling in love is like giving the other person a knife and a map to your heart describing where to cut to do the most damage. It IS like that. You have to open yourself up completely, but that puts you at your most vulnerable.
What I had to remember was that he was open to that vulnerability as well. Maybe moreso than I was, considering what he had gone through. Yes, I had been through a painful divorce, but I cannot even begin to make a comparison with the death of a spouse. Even though he told me how bad things had been between them, he loved her at some point, and that meant something. And their love lives on in their children, so it deserves some respect. And probably what makes him even more vulnerable to love again.
The interesting thing was that he fell first. He told me probably on that first day, but for sure about six weeks in. He finally told me after two months – I knew how he felt before then, but by this point, I was in love with him, too. He asked me to meet her parents, and I met them that night. They were nice people – I had seen them before at baseball games. I understood that was a big step for him, and that he’d never introduced anyone to them before. Matter of fact, it was huge.
I want nothing more than to spend my life with him by my side, and I know he feels the same way. However, there is another person in this relationship, but she’s a ghost. And this week I need to find out how much she still means to him.
See, I went to his house last week. It was the first time I was actually IN his house. I had brought it up before, offered to come over, but he always had a reason to deny me. I finally brought it up with him a few weeks ago, and he told me he had not been comfortable having a woman in his house since his wife had died. But that now he was comfortable enough with me that he would be okay with having me over, and he issued a standing invitation for me to visit anytime I wished.
Hmmm. Okay, so I went with him to a family gathering, and after, we came back to his house. And I went inside. I had no qualms about this at all – I was slightly concerned that he was embarrassed about the state of his house because I am just a little OCD and keep a very tidy home. But it was about what I expected, so I wasn’t surprised.
No, what surprised me was what happened when I walked in the living room with is daughter and sat down. I looked up and right in front of me was a very large picture of TK and his wife, hanging on the wall. The television was offset to the corner, so it was not hard to miss this picture. And when I say large, I mean almost poster-sized. It was quite intimidating. I had expected to see pics of his late wife, but I hadn’t bargained for their engagement photo to be so prominently displayed. It was all I could do to avoid looking at it.
So I turned myself to face his daughter and there was another picture on that wall. And a wedding photo on the table next to me. I knew I had to get myself under control, and I was able to calm myself by not looking at the pictures and concentrating on his daughter. But once she left the room, I had to get out of there. I stood up, facing the dining room, and I’ll be damned if there wasn’t another large engagement photo of them in there! I quickly exited the living room in the other direction, only to be confronted by even more pictures (almost 10) hanging in the hallway on the way to the kitchen. OMG.
Please don’t judge me here. I completely understand having pictures of their mom for the kids’ sake - I get that. But all the pictures of them together as a couple, it was just too much for me. I retreated to the kitchen and stayed there the rest of the time I was in his home. The kicker was when TK started pointing out the things “the wife” had done around the house –tiling this or painting that – as though I was merely a family friend who was visiting. And then he took me by the arm and led me to the dining room, turning on the light and telling me how they had had their engagement photo at the wedding and had people sign it, then framed it and hung it on the wall.
I felt like an intruder in their marriage, and I seriously began to wonder if he was over her, or if he was just that blasé about it. I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt because I am certain that she hung the pictures and he’s probably just so used to them being there 10+ years later that it has never occurred to him to take at least some of them down, or move them. To top it off, I saw only one picture each of his children hanging in the dining room. It truly was like a shrine but not just to her, to them as a couple. I mean, where were the family pics? Did they not take any together in the 4-5 years they had children before she died?
And it made me wonder what his room was like. I didn’t get that far. He said it had been an emotional day, and though he really wanted me to stay, we both knew I had to go so we could both get some sleep. And what I didn’t tell him was I was scared to death to go in his room, because I was almost certain what I would find there. Dear Lord, if I do ever make it to his room, and there are pictures of her there, I swear I will let him know immediately that I cannot stay and exactly why.
I know better than to ask him to take the pictures down, but I also have no qualms about telling him how I feel. Unfortunately, we have not had any time alone to talk in the last week, a point that is starting to aggravate me. I hope tonight we will have the chance, but if not, at least by this weekend. It is something I have to discuss with him. I need to know that he is ready to move on, that he is past what they had and come to terms with it and can have a relationship with me in every sense of the word.
I don’t doubt how he feels about me. Not at all. Matter of fact, I know exactly how he feels and how much. And I also know that you can love two people at the same time, though not like he loves me. But I need to know he is not replacing her with me, you know? He’s told me stories about their marriage and how it was over at the end, and has told me he made peace with possibly losing his house a few years ago and says he has no ties to it. And yet he was so emotional about me being in his house.
Maybe I am reading too much into this, but the pictures… That could hint that this is more than I thought, or it could just be that he was a guy and clueless about what it might mean to me to see them. But the only way I will find out for sure is to ask him, and I have to be prepared for what I hear, no matter what it is.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Discipline and my boyfriend's kids...
I think it’s always difficult to watch someone else’s child misbehave and not have it corrected. I am not trying to judge anyone…please don’t think that’s what I am doing here. But I think we have all been in a circumstance where the child clearly is in need of structure, rules and guidance, and yet the parent(s), for whatever reason, is not providing what is needed; hence, the child acts out.
Now, I am not a perfect parent and I certainly have made my share of mistakes! Believe me - I have been married twice, after all! But, I have raised three wonderful boys. They are respectful, courteous, well-behaved, funny, sometimes sarcastic, loving individuals. Yes, they were disciplined, and sometimes that meant a spanking, though that was usually reserved for when there was a safety issue or imminent danger, such as running through a parking lot (DS2 did this and we discovered later he had ADHD). Neither of my exes have much, if any, input in raising my boys because they either chose to move away, or were self-involved with their own troubles, so it was left to me.
I have had so many friends tell me what great kids I have, how respectful and kind they are. They tell me I have done a good job raising the boys, and I do take great pride in that. I also pass their kind words on to the kids, because it’s not just about me – it’s about them, too. I know I have great kids and I tell them that all the time. Because they are.
TK has recently told me that my kids are much better behaved than his are. He also has told me he wants what I have – I laugh and have a good time with my kids, and I agree that that’s important. He says he wants to be a better father when he is around me, with me, as a family. I appreciate that, and love that he acknowledges this and wants to work on it.
We have talked about moving in together, so about a month ago, I implemented Saturday night sleepovers - TK brings the kids and they all sleep at my house. This gets us all used to being around each other, to see how well we mesh, and used to the idea that we might eventually live in the same house. I think it’s a much better plan than just having them move in, and it’s working out so far, though there have been a few snags.
But the snags are important, and I am finding that they need to be addressed sooner rather than later. I finally understand what TK meant when he said he wants to be a better father when he’s around me. Because we have begun spending even more time together, I have started to see a pattern in TK’s discipline of his kids. And I am afraid this could be a major source of the stress he has been going through, let alone a small red flag to address soon.
One of the biggest things I learned early on as a parent was that you shouldn’t threaten your kids with punishment that you cannot, or don’t intend to, follow through on. A friend recently told me about her niece being told that she wouldn’t get to have her birthday party next week for misbehaving. In my opinion, nothing a 3-year-old does warrants having her birthday party taken away. But this child is already aware that whatever Mommy threatens she isn’t following through with anyway, so who cares, right?
I admit there have been times when I have reacted out of emotion rather than keeping my wits about me and thinking things through. Sometimes you just snap, and as a single parent, you’re the only one there, so things can get pretty crazy (I realize it can happen with married parents, too). Even if you do overreact, you must act to correct it immediately. I remember once I got upset with DS1 about something and immediately told him he was grounded for a month. Now, as soon as I said that I knew I couldn’t live with the consequences, let alone have him live with them. He was ten, a month was a long time in the summer, and I would be punished just as much as him. I stopped right then, looked at him and told him that I didn’t really mean a month, more like a week, but if the behavior continued, I would increase it to a month. He ceased the behavior then and there because I took a stance, and he knew I meant business. Throwing “The Look” at him helped, too.
Yet I have witnessed many occasions where TK does this with his own children (they are 11 and 9, by the way). I love TK and I love his kids, but sometimes I want to just jump in and discipline them myself. And in some instances I do. For example, I cooked dinner last night, and while his son was eating, I watched him pick up his pork chop with his fingers and take a bite of it. I got his attention and told him to please use his fork to eat with. He immediately did as he was told, though 20 minutes later, he did it again. This time TK was sitting at the table with us, though not aware of his son’s actions. I held up a finger for TK to give me a second, and again asked his son to use his fork as I had told him before. He said “oh yeah” and did as I asked. TK just smiled a bit and shrugged.
Now, this took me a bit by surprise. I wouldn’t have thought so, but I am fairly certain this is common practice in TK’s house, if his son had to be reminded again to correct his behavior. No, he wasn’t harming anyone but I expect basic manners to be used when eating, as I have taught my kids to do – it’s an expectation in my home and at restaurants. Looks like I may have some work to do here, even more so because TK did not say anything to back me up, but at least he didn’t say or do anything negative.
I understand that his children lost their mother almost 6 years ago, and have been raised by their dad and fraternal grandfather ever since. I don’t want to excuse their behavior, and this isn’t anything too serious, but it is the tip of the iceberg. I have witnessed many more serious issues that I am somewhat concerned about. They are allowed to hit each other, to some extent, and get threatened with spankings for doing so. I contend that physical harm should not be punished with the like. If my kids ever hit someone else, they were put in time out or given another kind of punishment, but never spanked for it. I just don’t believe in that.
Additionally, I have had to tell TK’s son to get out of the ice chest at Walmart, get out of the refrigerated cooler at Costco, and to stop crawling on the shelves behind the televisions on display. I understand small children having a natural curiosity, but by this age, it’s usually somewhat tampered by understanding basic right and wrong. Which makes me think that these kids have been given a lot of leeway because they have lost their mother, and their father feels guilty about working so much that he lets them do what they want when he is with them.
But I can’t sit by and say nothing, because that’s not who I am. If they are in my house or with me and my son, they will be treated the same as my child. They will be expected to follow my house rules, and abide by basic manners in public. I have watched them be disrespectful to their father, in part because he doesn’t enforce the discipline and it gets out of hand sometimes. I am waiting for the day that one of them is disrespectful to me. I hope it doesn’t get to that point. But if they do move into my home, I hope that TK and I will be able to agree on house rules that everyone follows, and enforce them.
I do say things to his kids, correct their behavior, especially if I know that their dad is not aware of what they are doing. I don’t mete out punishment, only try to redirect them. I don’t think it is wrong to expect them to have basic manners and treat others with respect.
With that said, I do plan to talk to TK soon. We have things to work out regarding “The Move”, and this issue is definitely something to address prior to that happening. As I see it, it would be summer before they did move in – partly because they will have to change schools, and partly because I need time to finish the basement so that DS2 can have his room down there, away from all the younger children. He’ll be a senior in high school then, and really does deserve his own space. And that means we would have two free bedrooms on the second floor for TK’s kids, so one of them wouldn’t have to be in the basement so far from their dad.
I think dating a widower has its own set of challenges, and I am trying to work through the issues the best I can. Communication is extremely important in any relationship, and it was glaringly absent in my last marriage despite my best efforts (addicts crawl into their shells and hide things – go figure). I am trying my best to keep this as healthy as possible, and I know TK is trying, too. It’s all I can ask at this point.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
A tidy house...
Once upon a time, I lived with my parents. They were not neat people. Granted, we cleaned on a weekly basis, but it involved moving the tchotchkes to dust around them and putting them back where they had been. They served no useful purpose, mind you, but this was the desired process my mother forced upon us.
Now that I think about it, the kitchen counter was almost never de-cluttered to allow for a proper cleansing. The right side of the kitchen, between the sink and the stove, was where the majority of the cooking took place, so it got a daily wipe down even if there were things that had to be moved temporarily to do so, or more often than not they were wiped around. But it was the left side of the kitchen, the expanse of counter between the sink and the refrigerator, that held my disdain.
We lived in a small house – <1,000 square feet containing a living room, eat-in kitchen, three bedrooms and one bathroom, and a utility room. There was absolutely NO place for a desk, or any place to even file anything, so the left side of the kitchen became the Land of Misfit Papers/Junk. It was where all the mail got tossed, whether it was opened or not. I grew up believing that everyone waited until they got the pink slip in the mail to pay their electric bill (yeah, I get it now). And that was because there was no filing system, no way of keeping tracks of the bills, because everything was tossed in the same place: baseball schedules, errant socks, outdated newspapers, rubber bands, permission slips (usually NOT signed), grade cards, shopping lists, birthday party invitations, tax forms, my mom’s curling iron and hair products (yes, she did her hair at the kitchen table every morning- ick), etc. See the problem here?
I realized when I was quite young (like nine or ten years old), that I had a tendency to want my room tidy. Hard to do when you share a bedroom with a sister who shucks her clothes and leaves them where they laid. I even once used tape to separate our room so my side could stay neat and tidy. This tendency I had? Yeah, it’s OCD…I understand and accept the diagnosis. But this went beyond my bedroom and the kitchen counter. I would often count to four – a LOT – much like Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory always knocks three times on Penny’s door. Almost everything had to be done in fours. I also typed words with my fingers as I would speak, something that I found I had in common with my high school Spanish teacher, a kindred spirit.
I was a neat freak, plain and simple. Perhaps it was in my nature, or because of/in spite of the way my parents chose to live (and subsequently my sister AND my brother), who knows, but I was constantly picking up after everyone. I tried to organize the kitchen counter, but had to give that up when I realized I couldn’t keep up – and my mom got mad for misplacing something. The irony!
I would even gather things from the living room and literally dump them on my siblings’ beds so that they would be forced to deal with them or put them away before they could sleep that night. Although, you guessed it, more often than not everything ended up on the floor (that’s probably what elicited the partitioning of our shared bedroom with tape), but at least it wasn’t in the living room!
I never had friends over because I was always afraid of what the house would look like when I got home. When I was in high school, it finally dawned on me that this was a battle I would never win. My parents weren’t going to change, and it was clear my siblings were on the same path as them. I was the odd man out. So I swore that some day when I have my own house, I would not live that way. I moved out a few years later, and yes indeed, even my college apartment was kept neat, tidy, and almost spotless. (I do say almost because all-nighters to study for a Chemistry test sometimes precluded the dusting.)
#1 was NOT a neat person, either, and that was the root cause of the one and only time we broke up while dating. I should have heeded that, but I thought I was in love and that he would change. Ha. And he was probably ecstatic that he had someone like his mother to clean up after him. Yes, I became the mother figure in that relationship – something I am not proud of – but I have definitely learned from it.
Having children lends a whole other challenge to those of us with OCD, mostly because of the disarray that accompanies said children. When they are old enough to motor about on their own, they leave a trail of destruction in their wake. One thing I did was just not have so many toys out and available to my oldest, though I did rotate them out weekly so that he didn’t get bored. It made clean up a lot easier, I wasn’t limiting him, and I actually included him in putting the toys away (you just sang the Barney clean-up song, didn’t you?).
This worked for us. Believe me, I needed all the help I could get because by the time the second one was walking, the marriage was done. There’s only so much a working mom with two kids who does everything around the house except mow the yard (and I even did THAT most of the time) can handle until she eventually snaps. I was forced to relax the OCD a bit because I just couldn’t deal with the stress. However, in that time I had learned that it’s a lot easier to keep the house neat than to try to be in a constant state of coming from behind. I learned that if I invited friends over, I was much more inclined to do the deep cleaning that I usually neglected (seriously, who cleans baseboards…ever?). I still do this. :-)
So at that time, I elicited help from the boys. They each got a few chores to do, and I had some help keeping things normal. It was normal for them, too, because they weren’t used to a messy house. They’d go visit my brothers’ kids and come home quite appreciative of the environment in which we lived…we didn’t have trails marked through piles in the house. Sometimes seeing how other people live is enough to make them appreciate what they have. Enough said.
There was also some turmoil that began shortly after my marriage to #2. I’ve outlined the issues before so I won’t go into it now, but having a tidy home helped to keep things calm for me and the boys. Some people thrive on chaos, and if that works for them, by all means let the tornado fly. But it’s just not for me. If my house is tidy, if everything (well, almost everything) is in its proper place, and there is little clutter to distract me, then I am soothed. I also feel that with the stress we’ve all been through during and after #2’s presence in the house, keeping the environment they are in as stress-free as possible served to help them to heal.
They say your home is your sanctuary, and I feel it every day. I need the serenity I get from walking in the door and know that everything should be as I found it. Granted, with three boys running/wrestling/horsing around, that may not always be the case, but they are pretty good about putting things back where they belong. Not always, but they understand (remember, they’ve seen how my nephews have lived in the past). I’m not saying we’re perfect and there’s never any drama in my house – it happens sometimes, even with boys! But we are very low-key most of the time, and I think they appreciate that. Plus I allow them to kind of do what they want as far as their bedrooms go. I may suggest they clean their rooms, but I don’t throw a fit about it. I pick my battles.
I recently had to take care of a friends’ pet while she was out of town, and TK came with me. I commented while walking through her small duplex that I could not live this way – the clutter, the dirt, the unnecessary junk was just too much for me. There was almost no place to sit in the living room, the kitchen counter and table were covered with stuff…you couldn’t even sit at the table to eat. Now, I love my friend and her kids, and if they are okay with that lifestyle, that’s great for them. But it’s not for me, and that’s all I said.
However, I realize how TK may have taken that comment. You see, I have yet to step foot inside his house. Oh, I have been there several times, but it’s usually to pick up/drop off TK and/or his kids, so even if I have gotten out of my car, I have never been farther than the driveway. This didn’t bother me at first, because he has commented from the beginning how much he enjoys the peace and serenity at my house.
And yet, the first time I mentioned stopping by his house on a night I could come and see him instead of him always coming to my house, I was turned down. He said he was tired and going to bed, and it wasn’t even 9:00! He makes fun of me if I go to bed before 10:00, so I tried to let it go, telling myself that it wasn’t about me.
Another night, there had been miscommunication regarding our regularly scheduled date night. It wasn’t until after 9:00 before we had a conversation about it, when he told me he had thought I could come over and hang out with him that night. Of course, it was way too late for that, but I told him that would have been nice, I would have enjoyed that, if he had actually INVITED me! And yet, even though it was only 9:30, he didn’t.
More recently, I made a comment that I could come over to his house on those nights I did not have my youngest son, which are every Wednesday, our standing date night. He hesitated, then made some excuse, so I called him on it. I asked why he seemed to not want me to ever come to his house, why when I have been over, he’s always waiting outside for me, as though he doesn’t want me to come in.
He told me a story then, about how he has not been comfortable having women in his house since his wife died. I said sometihng about him not being comfortable with me, and he was immediately chagrined. He said that’s not the case, that he is very comfortable with me and wouldn’t mind me being in his house. But that’s how it’s been for so long that he just didn’t think about it til now, and that I am welcome.
This past Sunday, he wasn’t feeling well. I picked him up for a couple’s massage that he’d scheduled for us. When I dropped him off, having told him I had nothing to do that day til I picked my son up at 6:00, he said nothing about me coming in and hanging out with him and the kids. I told later I had wanted to take care of him and I shouldn’t have to ask, and he said no I shouldn’t, that I could come and go as I pleased.
Hmmmmm, okay. And then yesterday, since he had to work til 8:00, I asked if I could come over when he got home and spend time with him, and with the kids. He told me he had been thinking that he would come and see me instead. While that is perfectly fine with me, is it just me or is there a pattern here? I am sensing there is a lot more to this than he is letting on.
And this is what I have come up with, what ties this in with the theme of this blog: I wonder if his house is like the one I grew up in, like my friends’ house is? He knows how I feel about it since we have discussed it before, though I have never been derogatory about it because these are people I care about and if they are happy to live like that, then who am I to judge? But I also fear that he has taken it too much to heart and thinks I will judge him if he lives that way, too. Does that make sense?
I honestly don’t give a rat’s ass how he lives. I mean, he’s well-groomed and his kids are clean and taken care of, so that’s not an issue for me. But I do wonder if he is embarrassed by the state of his house. He has told me several things, like that his dad is not good about cleaning (more like shuffling things into piles and then moving them around), that his sister’s’ two dogs are NOT house trained and tend to pee and poop all over the house (this makes me sick), that he has several appliances that are not working or only partially working, that he had to fix a leak in a shower wall by accessing the wall from behind (and me thinks that perhaps he didn’t fix the hole he made to do so). Not exactly the living conditions I am used to.
I don’t want him to be embarrassed, though I can understand how he might be. And his long term goal of wanting a nice house could either be because he wants out of the one he’s in and is striving towards that, or because he has seen mine and it’s what he would want for himself (I have a great house and I love it). We’re getting into the “living together” territory and I don’t want to stray too far off topic with this, but it is a way for him to get the nice house, have less stress in his life, etc. BUT, it also makes me wonder if he would choose to just walk away from that house. He has alluded to some financial issues in the past, and I think that’s a possibility if there are more things wrong with the house that he couldn’t really afford to fix. I understand that has happened a lot in this economy, and it might be a pride thing with him. We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it.
I know I am not perfect – far from it! I have my flaws, have certainly made mistakes. But one thing I have realized is that you truly have to learn from those mistakes and move on and hopefully not repeat them. TK has told me that he wants to be a better parent, more like me, and I took that as the compliment it was intended to be. He has said he wants to live in a nice house like mine – same thing. He said I make him want to be a better person, more giving, more loving, more altruistic – like me. Apparently he must think I live a perfect life to want to emulate me so much!
Joking aside, I really appreciate that he sees what I have accomplished and wants to try harder, to be a better father, partner, person. And he makes me want to be a better person, too. I am accountable to someone else again, someone who encourages my running and is proud of me for accomplishing my goals, someone who appreciates my job – that while it isn’t physically taxing like his, it still has its challenges. Someone who makes fun of my OCD.
Yes, he teases me, but in subtle ways. When I make the bed, sometimes he will turn the corner up just to mess with me. Or he will rearrange things on the kitchen counter. Or he will unfold a towel that I had folded. But I take it all in fun, because I know he loves me and accepts me for who I am. Tidy house and all.
Now that I think about it, the kitchen counter was almost never de-cluttered to allow for a proper cleansing. The right side of the kitchen, between the sink and the stove, was where the majority of the cooking took place, so it got a daily wipe down even if there were things that had to be moved temporarily to do so, or more often than not they were wiped around. But it was the left side of the kitchen, the expanse of counter between the sink and the refrigerator, that held my disdain.
We lived in a small house – <1,000 square feet containing a living room, eat-in kitchen, three bedrooms and one bathroom, and a utility room. There was absolutely NO place for a desk, or any place to even file anything, so the left side of the kitchen became the Land of Misfit Papers/Junk. It was where all the mail got tossed, whether it was opened or not. I grew up believing that everyone waited until they got the pink slip in the mail to pay their electric bill (yeah, I get it now). And that was because there was no filing system, no way of keeping tracks of the bills, because everything was tossed in the same place: baseball schedules, errant socks, outdated newspapers, rubber bands, permission slips (usually NOT signed), grade cards, shopping lists, birthday party invitations, tax forms, my mom’s curling iron and hair products (yes, she did her hair at the kitchen table every morning- ick), etc. See the problem here?
I realized when I was quite young (like nine or ten years old), that I had a tendency to want my room tidy. Hard to do when you share a bedroom with a sister who shucks her clothes and leaves them where they laid. I even once used tape to separate our room so my side could stay neat and tidy. This tendency I had? Yeah, it’s OCD…I understand and accept the diagnosis. But this went beyond my bedroom and the kitchen counter. I would often count to four – a LOT – much like Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory always knocks three times on Penny’s door. Almost everything had to be done in fours. I also typed words with my fingers as I would speak, something that I found I had in common with my high school Spanish teacher, a kindred spirit.
I was a neat freak, plain and simple. Perhaps it was in my nature, or because of/in spite of the way my parents chose to live (and subsequently my sister AND my brother), who knows, but I was constantly picking up after everyone. I tried to organize the kitchen counter, but had to give that up when I realized I couldn’t keep up – and my mom got mad for misplacing something. The irony!
I would even gather things from the living room and literally dump them on my siblings’ beds so that they would be forced to deal with them or put them away before they could sleep that night. Although, you guessed it, more often than not everything ended up on the floor (that’s probably what elicited the partitioning of our shared bedroom with tape), but at least it wasn’t in the living room!
I never had friends over because I was always afraid of what the house would look like when I got home. When I was in high school, it finally dawned on me that this was a battle I would never win. My parents weren’t going to change, and it was clear my siblings were on the same path as them. I was the odd man out. So I swore that some day when I have my own house, I would not live that way. I moved out a few years later, and yes indeed, even my college apartment was kept neat, tidy, and almost spotless. (I do say almost because all-nighters to study for a Chemistry test sometimes precluded the dusting.)
#1 was NOT a neat person, either, and that was the root cause of the one and only time we broke up while dating. I should have heeded that, but I thought I was in love and that he would change. Ha. And he was probably ecstatic that he had someone like his mother to clean up after him. Yes, I became the mother figure in that relationship – something I am not proud of – but I have definitely learned from it.
Having children lends a whole other challenge to those of us with OCD, mostly because of the disarray that accompanies said children. When they are old enough to motor about on their own, they leave a trail of destruction in their wake. One thing I did was just not have so many toys out and available to my oldest, though I did rotate them out weekly so that he didn’t get bored. It made clean up a lot easier, I wasn’t limiting him, and I actually included him in putting the toys away (you just sang the Barney clean-up song, didn’t you?).
This worked for us. Believe me, I needed all the help I could get because by the time the second one was walking, the marriage was done. There’s only so much a working mom with two kids who does everything around the house except mow the yard (and I even did THAT most of the time) can handle until she eventually snaps. I was forced to relax the OCD a bit because I just couldn’t deal with the stress. However, in that time I had learned that it’s a lot easier to keep the house neat than to try to be in a constant state of coming from behind. I learned that if I invited friends over, I was much more inclined to do the deep cleaning that I usually neglected (seriously, who cleans baseboards…ever?). I still do this. :-)
So at that time, I elicited help from the boys. They each got a few chores to do, and I had some help keeping things normal. It was normal for them, too, because they weren’t used to a messy house. They’d go visit my brothers’ kids and come home quite appreciative of the environment in which we lived…we didn’t have trails marked through piles in the house. Sometimes seeing how other people live is enough to make them appreciate what they have. Enough said.
There was also some turmoil that began shortly after my marriage to #2. I’ve outlined the issues before so I won’t go into it now, but having a tidy home helped to keep things calm for me and the boys. Some people thrive on chaos, and if that works for them, by all means let the tornado fly. But it’s just not for me. If my house is tidy, if everything (well, almost everything) is in its proper place, and there is little clutter to distract me, then I am soothed. I also feel that with the stress we’ve all been through during and after #2’s presence in the house, keeping the environment they are in as stress-free as possible served to help them to heal.
They say your home is your sanctuary, and I feel it every day. I need the serenity I get from walking in the door and know that everything should be as I found it. Granted, with three boys running/wrestling/horsing around, that may not always be the case, but they are pretty good about putting things back where they belong. Not always, but they understand (remember, they’ve seen how my nephews have lived in the past). I’m not saying we’re perfect and there’s never any drama in my house – it happens sometimes, even with boys! But we are very low-key most of the time, and I think they appreciate that. Plus I allow them to kind of do what they want as far as their bedrooms go. I may suggest they clean their rooms, but I don’t throw a fit about it. I pick my battles.
I recently had to take care of a friends’ pet while she was out of town, and TK came with me. I commented while walking through her small duplex that I could not live this way – the clutter, the dirt, the unnecessary junk was just too much for me. There was almost no place to sit in the living room, the kitchen counter and table were covered with stuff…you couldn’t even sit at the table to eat. Now, I love my friend and her kids, and if they are okay with that lifestyle, that’s great for them. But it’s not for me, and that’s all I said.
However, I realize how TK may have taken that comment. You see, I have yet to step foot inside his house. Oh, I have been there several times, but it’s usually to pick up/drop off TK and/or his kids, so even if I have gotten out of my car, I have never been farther than the driveway. This didn’t bother me at first, because he has commented from the beginning how much he enjoys the peace and serenity at my house.
And yet, the first time I mentioned stopping by his house on a night I could come and see him instead of him always coming to my house, I was turned down. He said he was tired and going to bed, and it wasn’t even 9:00! He makes fun of me if I go to bed before 10:00, so I tried to let it go, telling myself that it wasn’t about me.
Another night, there had been miscommunication regarding our regularly scheduled date night. It wasn’t until after 9:00 before we had a conversation about it, when he told me he had thought I could come over and hang out with him that night. Of course, it was way too late for that, but I told him that would have been nice, I would have enjoyed that, if he had actually INVITED me! And yet, even though it was only 9:30, he didn’t.
More recently, I made a comment that I could come over to his house on those nights I did not have my youngest son, which are every Wednesday, our standing date night. He hesitated, then made some excuse, so I called him on it. I asked why he seemed to not want me to ever come to his house, why when I have been over, he’s always waiting outside for me, as though he doesn’t want me to come in.
He told me a story then, about how he has not been comfortable having women in his house since his wife died. I said sometihng about him not being comfortable with me, and he was immediately chagrined. He said that’s not the case, that he is very comfortable with me and wouldn’t mind me being in his house. But that’s how it’s been for so long that he just didn’t think about it til now, and that I am welcome.
This past Sunday, he wasn’t feeling well. I picked him up for a couple’s massage that he’d scheduled for us. When I dropped him off, having told him I had nothing to do that day til I picked my son up at 6:00, he said nothing about me coming in and hanging out with him and the kids. I told later I had wanted to take care of him and I shouldn’t have to ask, and he said no I shouldn’t, that I could come and go as I pleased.
Hmmmmm, okay. And then yesterday, since he had to work til 8:00, I asked if I could come over when he got home and spend time with him, and with the kids. He told me he had been thinking that he would come and see me instead. While that is perfectly fine with me, is it just me or is there a pattern here? I am sensing there is a lot more to this than he is letting on.
And this is what I have come up with, what ties this in with the theme of this blog: I wonder if his house is like the one I grew up in, like my friends’ house is? He knows how I feel about it since we have discussed it before, though I have never been derogatory about it because these are people I care about and if they are happy to live like that, then who am I to judge? But I also fear that he has taken it too much to heart and thinks I will judge him if he lives that way, too. Does that make sense?
I honestly don’t give a rat’s ass how he lives. I mean, he’s well-groomed and his kids are clean and taken care of, so that’s not an issue for me. But I do wonder if he is embarrassed by the state of his house. He has told me several things, like that his dad is not good about cleaning (more like shuffling things into piles and then moving them around), that his sister’s’ two dogs are NOT house trained and tend to pee and poop all over the house (this makes me sick), that he has several appliances that are not working or only partially working, that he had to fix a leak in a shower wall by accessing the wall from behind (and me thinks that perhaps he didn’t fix the hole he made to do so). Not exactly the living conditions I am used to.
I don’t want him to be embarrassed, though I can understand how he might be. And his long term goal of wanting a nice house could either be because he wants out of the one he’s in and is striving towards that, or because he has seen mine and it’s what he would want for himself (I have a great house and I love it). We’re getting into the “living together” territory and I don’t want to stray too far off topic with this, but it is a way for him to get the nice house, have less stress in his life, etc. BUT, it also makes me wonder if he would choose to just walk away from that house. He has alluded to some financial issues in the past, and I think that’s a possibility if there are more things wrong with the house that he couldn’t really afford to fix. I understand that has happened a lot in this economy, and it might be a pride thing with him. We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it.
I know I am not perfect – far from it! I have my flaws, have certainly made mistakes. But one thing I have realized is that you truly have to learn from those mistakes and move on and hopefully not repeat them. TK has told me that he wants to be a better parent, more like me, and I took that as the compliment it was intended to be. He has said he wants to live in a nice house like mine – same thing. He said I make him want to be a better person, more giving, more loving, more altruistic – like me. Apparently he must think I live a perfect life to want to emulate me so much!
Joking aside, I really appreciate that he sees what I have accomplished and wants to try harder, to be a better father, partner, person. And he makes me want to be a better person, too. I am accountable to someone else again, someone who encourages my running and is proud of me for accomplishing my goals, someone who appreciates my job – that while it isn’t physically taxing like his, it still has its challenges. Someone who makes fun of my OCD.
Yes, he teases me, but in subtle ways. When I make the bed, sometimes he will turn the corner up just to mess with me. Or he will rearrange things on the kitchen counter. Or he will unfold a towel that I had folded. But I take it all in fun, because I know he loves me and accepts me for who I am. Tidy house and all.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Sometimes I don't like to be right...
I had a great time during our vacation, but then something happened. It was a little something, and I let it nag at me and fester and make it into something that was bigger than it needed to be. Still, it ended up having some merit, so I think it was justified. The Sunday night after Christmas, when we were with the kids playing board games, I had noticed that N was texting TK an awful lot. Then she tried to call him twice, and he just ignored her because he was using his phone as a timer. And then his daughter was playing on it so he wasn’t able to check his texts then, either. I was able to push it aside and let it go…that day, at least.
But then on New Year's Eve, N was texting him again…lot. We were sitting on the couch and it was one text after another. And it seemed as though he was turning the phone away like he was trying to hide it from me. That was annoying in light of the “trust” issue we had discussed. But then he told the kids that N said to tell them happy new year, and his daughter asked if he was still mad at her. Um, what is this? He told her no, that N had apologized. I was sitting down next to him and said “What?” and he shrugged and ignored me. What the heck??!!
So yeah, putting that all together and it started bothering me even more…not jealousy, but a niggling intuition-type thing. And then it seemed as though he was not as attentive, not as demonstrative. Ironically, he slept really well for the first time in a long time, while I tossed and turned and stewed all night because I had really wanted to discuss this before bed and it hadn’t happened. Which meant I got virtually no sleep. He did ask how I had slept and I told him I hadn’t slept well at all. He asked why, and when I didn’t answer, he asked if it was because of him. I know he meant because he was in my bed, but I said yes and no. He asked if I wanted to talk about it and I just shook my head.
Even after a little good morning "fun", I felt this depression settling over me that I just couldn’t shake. I went downstairs with him after he got dressed and I was in my robe, to see what the kids wanted to eat. He noticed something was off then and asked if I was okay. I nodded but he could tell something was wrong and he came over and hugged me and asked if I was okay again, I just shrugged and told him I was going to get dressed.
When I came back down, he was playing in the basement with the kids so I just stayed in the kitchen until the bacon was done and he came back upstairs. He asked if I was okay again, and I just shrugged and looked out the window, then shook my head. I had to bite my lip to keep from crying - I hadn't even realized that I had reached that level of emotion about it. He could tell I was upset because he sent the kids in the other room and came over to me and held me. He asked repeatedly to tell him what was wrong, stroked my hair, my face, hugged me more, rubbed my back, and begged me to talk to him. I could tell he was worried the few times he actually made me look him in the eyes.
I finally hugged him again and then I told him how I felt. I said I was okay with him having female friends, but it seemed that N was texting him an awful lot and while that didn’t bother me, it seemed that he was turning his phone away when she did, like he was trying to hide it from me. And with the trust issue we had talked about and trying to rebuild trust, giving the illusion that he was trying to hide something from me bothered me greatly. I also told him that it seemed to drive the point home when I had asked about the conversation the night before and he just blew me off. I told him that I needed to be able to trust him, and it was hard to do in light of all that.
It took him a few minutes before he started talking. He told me that N was going through a mid-life crisis and was driving him crazy with all her texts and drama. (I find this odd considering she is married…why can’t she talk to her husband??!!) He said instead of putting her issues all into one text, she was sending multiple texts, and it was annoying him. He also told me about Sunday night when we were playing games and she got upset about him not answering the phone or responding to the texts. He said it pissed him off, that she got “sensitive” because he wasn’t immediately available.
I asked if she was going to be that way when we were together if he didn’t answer the phone or respond to her texts immediately, and he said he hoped not, that he kind of understood her need to vent, but the drama was just too much and he didn’t like it. Maybe the drama is about her husband? Maybe she likes TK and he just doesn't realize it? Maybe those vibes I picked up on were real? She eventually apologized to TK, though, about getting angry at him. Still, it bothered me. I told him that he has to tell me these things, and not hide things from me because it makes me not trust him. I mean, I don't need to know details, but turning the phone away when she texts is not going to win him any points. He said okay, he would work on that, and not hiding things from me thinking he's protecting me. And I honestly do believe him, and trust him.
And yet, I have my suspicions. Not about TK…no, not at all. He has been nothing but supportive and loving and sweet. I trust him completely. He has been very up front about everything and seems to understand this need I have for being completely open and honest with each other. Ironically enough, there are similarities with #2 and this issue. You see, #2 was having a mid-life crisis, chased down his high school girlfriend, and immediately started pursuing a relationship with her, even while maintaining our marriage. But after I found out, I knew he had feelings for her and continued to, so I was always suspicious while we were trying to build the trust back up. We never did.
I can’t help but think N has feelings for TK – remember those vibes I told you about a month ago? And I think that since TK gave her attention as a friend, she has latched onto that and possibly turned it into more than it is, in her mind, just like #2 did. Granted, eventually the other woman caved to #2 because she didn’t have a good marriage. But TK and I have a great relationship, and we trust each other implicitly. I just hope N doesn’t cross the line.
But now I know more….TK texted that N and her husband had a talk yesterday and they mutually decided to get a divorce. Whoa. I am happy that TK texted me to keep me in the loop – it shows he was paying attention and cares about my feelings, and wants to be open and honest with me.
So, those vibes I picked up about her being single/on the prowl might really have been there. And it is even more likely that she really has attached herself to TK. I’m not saying she has, but all the wondering about what kind of husband would allow his wife to text another man that much… Yeah, it makes much more sense now. I just hope TK isn’t part of her mid-life crisis, like she’s decided that she wants something different than she already had. God, just like #2 did.
And I will tell you right now – I honestly believe that if she comes on to TK, he will 1) reject her, 2) tell me right away, and 3) I will insist he have nothing further to do with her….because if she was his friend, she should have shown restraint knowing that he was in a serious relationship.
You know, I have been there/done that in more ways than one. I admit that my self-esteem took a hit when I was divorcing #2. Whose wouldn’t? I mean, my husband essentially threw me over for an older woman who had a lot less going for her than I did. (That may sound petty, but in all honesty, it is true.) I had to build myself back up. And the first thing I did was look up some old boyfriends, guys that once liked me for me, and were now single. Yes, it was wrong to look for validation in that way, and although they never realized what I was doing, I think I knew in the back of my mind. It didn’t take long for me to figure out what I was doing and start seeing my counselor again for a healthier way to proceed. I knew I needed to fix myself first, and I did that, and I became happy with myself again.
I understand that N might be reaching out to TK because he shows her attention, albeit only as a friend. Maybe now you can understand why this makes me slightly apprehensive. Again, not because I don’t trust TK, but because I don’t trust her. I don’t even know her! I'm constantly checking myself to see if I have any feelings of jealousy towards her, and I don't. Really. Jealousy stems from insecurity, and if our relationship wasn't as solid as it is, if I truly didn't know how deeply TK feels for me, then yeah, I could see me being a little insecure about her. But that's not the case. I am not jealous. She's more like an irritation to me, if that makes sense.
So I keep my questions and concerns about her to myself, and absorb any information he passes along and file it away in case I need it later. Who knows? Maybe I am being a bit suspicious for nothing. But if I have learned anything from my past it’s that I should listen to my gut instinct. I could be wrong. But I would kick myself if I were right and I had buried my head in the sand. And I don’t want to be right.
But then on New Year's Eve, N was texting him again…lot. We were sitting on the couch and it was one text after another. And it seemed as though he was turning the phone away like he was trying to hide it from me. That was annoying in light of the “trust” issue we had discussed. But then he told the kids that N said to tell them happy new year, and his daughter asked if he was still mad at her. Um, what is this? He told her no, that N had apologized. I was sitting down next to him and said “What?” and he shrugged and ignored me. What the heck??!!
So yeah, putting that all together and it started bothering me even more…not jealousy, but a niggling intuition-type thing. And then it seemed as though he was not as attentive, not as demonstrative. Ironically, he slept really well for the first time in a long time, while I tossed and turned and stewed all night because I had really wanted to discuss this before bed and it hadn’t happened. Which meant I got virtually no sleep. He did ask how I had slept and I told him I hadn’t slept well at all. He asked why, and when I didn’t answer, he asked if it was because of him. I know he meant because he was in my bed, but I said yes and no. He asked if I wanted to talk about it and I just shook my head.
Even after a little good morning "fun", I felt this depression settling over me that I just couldn’t shake. I went downstairs with him after he got dressed and I was in my robe, to see what the kids wanted to eat. He noticed something was off then and asked if I was okay. I nodded but he could tell something was wrong and he came over and hugged me and asked if I was okay again, I just shrugged and told him I was going to get dressed.
When I came back down, he was playing in the basement with the kids so I just stayed in the kitchen until the bacon was done and he came back upstairs. He asked if I was okay again, and I just shrugged and looked out the window, then shook my head. I had to bite my lip to keep from crying - I hadn't even realized that I had reached that level of emotion about it. He could tell I was upset because he sent the kids in the other room and came over to me and held me. He asked repeatedly to tell him what was wrong, stroked my hair, my face, hugged me more, rubbed my back, and begged me to talk to him. I could tell he was worried the few times he actually made me look him in the eyes.
I finally hugged him again and then I told him how I felt. I said I was okay with him having female friends, but it seemed that N was texting him an awful lot and while that didn’t bother me, it seemed that he was turning his phone away when she did, like he was trying to hide it from me. And with the trust issue we had talked about and trying to rebuild trust, giving the illusion that he was trying to hide something from me bothered me greatly. I also told him that it seemed to drive the point home when I had asked about the conversation the night before and he just blew me off. I told him that I needed to be able to trust him, and it was hard to do in light of all that.
It took him a few minutes before he started talking. He told me that N was going through a mid-life crisis and was driving him crazy with all her texts and drama. (I find this odd considering she is married…why can’t she talk to her husband??!!) He said instead of putting her issues all into one text, she was sending multiple texts, and it was annoying him. He also told me about Sunday night when we were playing games and she got upset about him not answering the phone or responding to the texts. He said it pissed him off, that she got “sensitive” because he wasn’t immediately available.
I asked if she was going to be that way when we were together if he didn’t answer the phone or respond to her texts immediately, and he said he hoped not, that he kind of understood her need to vent, but the drama was just too much and he didn’t like it. Maybe the drama is about her husband? Maybe she likes TK and he just doesn't realize it? Maybe those vibes I picked up on were real? She eventually apologized to TK, though, about getting angry at him. Still, it bothered me. I told him that he has to tell me these things, and not hide things from me because it makes me not trust him. I mean, I don't need to know details, but turning the phone away when she texts is not going to win him any points. He said okay, he would work on that, and not hiding things from me thinking he's protecting me. And I honestly do believe him, and trust him.
And yet, I have my suspicions. Not about TK…no, not at all. He has been nothing but supportive and loving and sweet. I trust him completely. He has been very up front about everything and seems to understand this need I have for being completely open and honest with each other. Ironically enough, there are similarities with #2 and this issue. You see, #2 was having a mid-life crisis, chased down his high school girlfriend, and immediately started pursuing a relationship with her, even while maintaining our marriage. But after I found out, I knew he had feelings for her and continued to, so I was always suspicious while we were trying to build the trust back up. We never did.
I can’t help but think N has feelings for TK – remember those vibes I told you about a month ago? And I think that since TK gave her attention as a friend, she has latched onto that and possibly turned it into more than it is, in her mind, just like #2 did. Granted, eventually the other woman caved to #2 because she didn’t have a good marriage. But TK and I have a great relationship, and we trust each other implicitly. I just hope N doesn’t cross the line.
But now I know more….TK texted that N and her husband had a talk yesterday and they mutually decided to get a divorce. Whoa. I am happy that TK texted me to keep me in the loop – it shows he was paying attention and cares about my feelings, and wants to be open and honest with me.
So, those vibes I picked up about her being single/on the prowl might really have been there. And it is even more likely that she really has attached herself to TK. I’m not saying she has, but all the wondering about what kind of husband would allow his wife to text another man that much… Yeah, it makes much more sense now. I just hope TK isn’t part of her mid-life crisis, like she’s decided that she wants something different than she already had. God, just like #2 did.
And I will tell you right now – I honestly believe that if she comes on to TK, he will 1) reject her, 2) tell me right away, and 3) I will insist he have nothing further to do with her….because if she was his friend, she should have shown restraint knowing that he was in a serious relationship.
You know, I have been there/done that in more ways than one. I admit that my self-esteem took a hit when I was divorcing #2. Whose wouldn’t? I mean, my husband essentially threw me over for an older woman who had a lot less going for her than I did. (That may sound petty, but in all honesty, it is true.) I had to build myself back up. And the first thing I did was look up some old boyfriends, guys that once liked me for me, and were now single. Yes, it was wrong to look for validation in that way, and although they never realized what I was doing, I think I knew in the back of my mind. It didn’t take long for me to figure out what I was doing and start seeing my counselor again for a healthier way to proceed. I knew I needed to fix myself first, and I did that, and I became happy with myself again.
I understand that N might be reaching out to TK because he shows her attention, albeit only as a friend. Maybe now you can understand why this makes me slightly apprehensive. Again, not because I don’t trust TK, but because I don’t trust her. I don’t even know her! I'm constantly checking myself to see if I have any feelings of jealousy towards her, and I don't. Really. Jealousy stems from insecurity, and if our relationship wasn't as solid as it is, if I truly didn't know how deeply TK feels for me, then yeah, I could see me being a little insecure about her. But that's not the case. I am not jealous. She's more like an irritation to me, if that makes sense.
So I keep my questions and concerns about her to myself, and absorb any information he passes along and file it away in case I need it later. Who knows? Maybe I am being a bit suspicious for nothing. But if I have learned anything from my past it’s that I should listen to my gut instinct. I could be wrong. But I would kick myself if I were right and I had buried my head in the sand. And I don’t want to be right.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Baby steps
Now that the holidays are over, it’s back to normal in our household. Ha ha, what’s normal??? T and I both took some time off from our jobs and spent a lot of time together, alone and with the kids. Although we didn’t see each other on Christmas Day, we spent time together every other day of his vacation, and it was…wonderful.
On our first day back to work on Thursday, I knew T was busy, but it bothered me a bit when I hardly heard form him all day. I knew my reasoning was because we had spent so much time together over the holidays, that I was afraid he was kinda sick of me and ready for a break. I really didn’t think so, but that’s what happens when no one else is in the office and you are bored out of your mind – you tend to overthink things! I, on the other hand, loved the time we spent together so much that I wanted nothing more than to ask him and his kids to move in with me. (Please hold off on the 2x4s.)
The next day, we texted a bit, and I told him that I try not to bother him when I don’t hear from him because I know he is busy, but that I missed him terribly. He replied that he really missed me, too. And then he told me that he had wondered, or was a little nervous, before vacation that we might spend a lot of time together and maybe we would get sick of one another and need time apart. But that it was the opposite for him. He said he had a taste of something he really enjoyed and he wanted more.
Wow. I don’t know how he does that, but he had read my mind. I told him that I had been worried that I’d be so happy spending time with him and the kids that when vacation was over and I didn’t get to see him as much, that I’d be miserable. And that by not hearing much from him, I was sick with the thought that perhaps he was sick of me. But now I know the truth, and I feel so much better knowing we both feel the same way.
I also asked him what he meant by wanting more. Other than the typical male response which I will not print here, he said more time together, doing day to day stuff, with me, him and the kids. All of us. And both of us. I told him I would absolutely love that, too, and asked how did he see that happening? His response was in reference to the promotion he is in the middle of training for, working towards that goal, and then he said he’d have to give it some thought.
Me, on the other hand…I’m sitting here thinking that the only logical solution is for him and the kids to move in with me (my house is much bigger and nicer than his, so it is also the logical choice). But I don’t want to scare him if he’s not ready to discuss that so I wait. Then he asked if I had any thoughts. I told him that yes, I did, but I was not sure how much to share right now. I told him that I want more than anything for him to succeed, to reach his goal, because he is good at what he does. Beyond that, I, too, want more but that I need to hear what he wants. I KNOW what I want, but it’s not just about me, and I won’t force him into anything.
See, I DO know what I want. I have for quite some time now. And maybe it’s because I am older now and can filter through all the little stuff and see the big picture that I am more willing to accept exactly what I want. Plus, I have tried to live by the mantra that if it’s what you want, you have to go after it because life is just too short! I think he might realize that if I say it to him, but I’ve been waiting for him to come to that conclusion himself. I can be patient.
He also told me that his daughter would like to have sleepovers even when my youngest son is not there, she likes it at my house so much. Awww. So I thought about that some more, and yesterday I sent him a text letting him know that we can have sleepovers every Saturday, if he was okay with that. And he replied YES!! And then he told me he had talked to his daughter and she said that would be awesome! So see, I still get to see him, we get alone time after the kids are in bed, he sleeps better knowing his kids are nearby and he doesn’t have to rush home to them, and we get to be a “family unit”.
That’s where the baby steps come in. Maybe he cannot yet formulate what he wants – he has told me before that he’s slow sometimes but he eventually catches on. I’ll let this ferment in his brain for a while – the whole concept of wanting “more”, having more consistent “sleepovers”, doing more as a family just as we did over vacation. I’m not sure it’s in the realm of more frequent, but it’s at least more than we were doing before vacation. And I hope that this small step will help lead him to decide what he really does want. I think he knows, he just can’t yet say it.
I find it ironic that he was the first to tell me he loved me, and seemed to be all in so much faster than I was, and yet I have already decided what I want. Now I have to be patient and wait for him to figure out what he wants. And yes, I am fairly certain we are on the same page, once he thinks it through. However, I am not a patient person! And I have a constant fear of rejection, even when I come across as confident to everyone else. So that’s why baby steps are the best course of action for now. Stay tuned.
On our first day back to work on Thursday, I knew T was busy, but it bothered me a bit when I hardly heard form him all day. I knew my reasoning was because we had spent so much time together over the holidays, that I was afraid he was kinda sick of me and ready for a break. I really didn’t think so, but that’s what happens when no one else is in the office and you are bored out of your mind – you tend to overthink things! I, on the other hand, loved the time we spent together so much that I wanted nothing more than to ask him and his kids to move in with me. (Please hold off on the 2x4s.)
The next day, we texted a bit, and I told him that I try not to bother him when I don’t hear from him because I know he is busy, but that I missed him terribly. He replied that he really missed me, too. And then he told me that he had wondered, or was a little nervous, before vacation that we might spend a lot of time together and maybe we would get sick of one another and need time apart. But that it was the opposite for him. He said he had a taste of something he really enjoyed and he wanted more.
Wow. I don’t know how he does that, but he had read my mind. I told him that I had been worried that I’d be so happy spending time with him and the kids that when vacation was over and I didn’t get to see him as much, that I’d be miserable. And that by not hearing much from him, I was sick with the thought that perhaps he was sick of me. But now I know the truth, and I feel so much better knowing we both feel the same way.
I also asked him what he meant by wanting more. Other than the typical male response which I will not print here, he said more time together, doing day to day stuff, with me, him and the kids. All of us. And both of us. I told him I would absolutely love that, too, and asked how did he see that happening? His response was in reference to the promotion he is in the middle of training for, working towards that goal, and then he said he’d have to give it some thought.
Me, on the other hand…I’m sitting here thinking that the only logical solution is for him and the kids to move in with me (my house is much bigger and nicer than his, so it is also the logical choice). But I don’t want to scare him if he’s not ready to discuss that so I wait. Then he asked if I had any thoughts. I told him that yes, I did, but I was not sure how much to share right now. I told him that I want more than anything for him to succeed, to reach his goal, because he is good at what he does. Beyond that, I, too, want more but that I need to hear what he wants. I KNOW what I want, but it’s not just about me, and I won’t force him into anything.
See, I DO know what I want. I have for quite some time now. And maybe it’s because I am older now and can filter through all the little stuff and see the big picture that I am more willing to accept exactly what I want. Plus, I have tried to live by the mantra that if it’s what you want, you have to go after it because life is just too short! I think he might realize that if I say it to him, but I’ve been waiting for him to come to that conclusion himself. I can be patient.
He also told me that his daughter would like to have sleepovers even when my youngest son is not there, she likes it at my house so much. Awww. So I thought about that some more, and yesterday I sent him a text letting him know that we can have sleepovers every Saturday, if he was okay with that. And he replied YES!! And then he told me he had talked to his daughter and she said that would be awesome! So see, I still get to see him, we get alone time after the kids are in bed, he sleeps better knowing his kids are nearby and he doesn’t have to rush home to them, and we get to be a “family unit”.
That’s where the baby steps come in. Maybe he cannot yet formulate what he wants – he has told me before that he’s slow sometimes but he eventually catches on. I’ll let this ferment in his brain for a while – the whole concept of wanting “more”, having more consistent “sleepovers”, doing more as a family just as we did over vacation. I’m not sure it’s in the realm of more frequent, but it’s at least more than we were doing before vacation. And I hope that this small step will help lead him to decide what he really does want. I think he knows, he just can’t yet say it.
I find it ironic that he was the first to tell me he loved me, and seemed to be all in so much faster than I was, and yet I have already decided what I want. Now I have to be patient and wait for him to figure out what he wants. And yes, I am fairly certain we are on the same page, once he thinks it through. However, I am not a patient person! And I have a constant fear of rejection, even when I come across as confident to everyone else. So that’s why baby steps are the best course of action for now. Stay tuned.
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